He shook his head and smiled. “Hal seems like a nice guy,” he said, and his forehead furrowed as if he couldn’t figure out how he got hooked up with Jen, free for all, Staple.
“Yeah, he was one of her dates for the prom,” I said with disgust.
“One of them?” he asked.
“Yeah, but she got them all rooms in the same hotel, so it worked out.”
“Who did you go with to the prom?” Julius asked, and I felt sick.
High school memories were not happy ones; the entire concept of high school was to teach people to be squares. Being different or sticking out was strongly discouraged. I did well on tests, but the teachers began asking me who I was cheating from, so I started missing questions on purpose.
Prom was a must, because the entire crape paper industry depended on it. It gives girls a glance at a guy’s potential. If you see your boyfriend in a tux it is easier to picture him paying a mortgage and parenting children. But it is all a lie, if a guy’s a shit; prom just shows you a shit in a tux.
“I went with Jack but there was no hotel and my parents chaperoned the dance,” I told Julius.
“That’s awkward,” he chuckled, and I rolled my eyes.
“I faked a wardrobe malfunction and we snuck into the broom closet to make out. It’s easy to put one over on my parents.”
Julius rolled onto me and pulled my nightgown off my shoulders. “Oops, we better make out.”
Yes, Julius would wipe away all memories of making out with Jack. I wrapped my legs around him and when I gave him a squeeze something awful happened. My eyes shot open and Julius roared with laughter, “Did you just fart?”
“No,” I lied, and quickly dropped my legs as my face turned red. This was worse than whacking him with my hoo hoo, because I didn’t fall, and I wasn’t forced to eat a bowl full of beans. I was trying to be sexy and make him dream of my long legs wrapping around him while he worked on the books at the club. He wouldn’t dream of my legs now, he would think of colons and buttholes.
“Did you fart in the broom closet with Jack,” he teased.
“I didn’t fart, it was the bed springs,” I said and tried to push him off me, but I didn’t push hard in case I had butt bubbles lining up in my intestines ready to emerge with the smallest of pressure.
“Hey, claim it, don’t blame it,” he said and fell to his side in laughter.
I hated being pregnant, my body was going insane and there was nothing I could do about it. Budge was going to be an only child because I was not going through this again. If Julius wanted more kids he would have to fart them out himself.
I decided to talk with Claire about what I was going through, surely, she remembered being pregnant and would be sympathetic. I showed up at her house the next day as she was bathing ugly Amy in the sink. She was sitting it a square full of bubbles and her blond, curly hair was all over the place. She was so cute, for having the name Ugly Amy… wait, only I called her that.
“How are you feeling,” Claire asked sweetly and then looked at my stomach and smiled wider. “You’re showing a little.”
I looked down to make sure she meant the pregnancy and I didn’t have pubic hair sticking out of my pants buttons, since I wasn’t wearing underwear. This was nothing like Jennifer going pantiless; I wasn’t trying to be al natural; I just hadn’t had the energy to do wash.
“I’m exhausted all the time, and my moods change so quickly,” I said, before I began to either cry or try to rip her head off.
“Yeah, you feel like a crazy person and your husband is convinced you’re a crazy person,” she said with a sigh. I didn’t understand her point, what did that have to do with pregnancy… that was my everyday life.
“Were you ever… constipated?” I asked with a red face.
“Just wait until the last trimester. You would pay good money just to be able to shit.”
“Did you… I mean, did you ever, well, was holding… oh man,” I said as I tried to find a way to ask.
“Did I pass gas?” she finally asked, and I really liked the way she worded it, but you don’t actually pass gas, because who would you pass it to; I mean, would someone actually take gas if you passed it?
“Yes,” I said with a sigh of relief.
“Amos called me ‘Tootles.’ I couldn’t walk without announcing my coming,” she laughed.
“I’m not walking anymore,” I announced and clinched my butt cheeks tightly. I couldn’t imagine ‘passing’ gas in front of Amos after all the crap I gave him over the years.
“Did you know it is a real possibility you’ll take a dump while giving birth?” she said to really mess up my head.
That was it; I burst into tears and wanted Budge to be born cesarean. My doctor told me child birth was beautiful and now I had some real serious concerns about my doctor. If he’ll lie about what he does for a living, he probably lied about sex being safe. He was just a man, making sure another man was gettin-sumpin, while his fat, farting wife worried about shitting out her baby.
Claire laughed at me and finished with ugly Amy’s bath. She wrapped her in a towel, so just her face was peeking out and said, “Can you say hi to Toto?”
“Hi,” a tiny adorable voice came out and I really wanted Budge to arrive today, so he could play.
“My pediatrician said Amy is quite advanced for her age,” Claire said proudly, and I was sure it was something that worried her, since Amtard was the father.
“Julius ran into Jen and Hal last night at the club,” I said, and Claire looked at me with raised eyebrows.
“How did that play out?” She asked.
“He thought Hal seemed nice,” I said with a sigh, feeling so sorry for Hal Nelson.
“Did he tell you she’s pregnant?”
“What?” I yelled and then wondered how Julius could even tell.
“Yeah, she looks about as far along as you are. And if you do the math it makes her a pregnant bride.”
“You were a pregnant bride,” I pointed out and she glared at me. I forgot we were gossiping and not stating facts.
“I was with Amos for years, it isn’t the same thing,” Claire said angrily.
“I hope she poops during childbirth,” I said getting back to the Jen matter. “And I doubt she’ll even have a contraction, I mean, a child could stand and walk out of her vagina.”
“Hey, is the club having a Halloween party?” Claire asked, taking the conversation on a wild turn without warning me.
“I don’t know, why?” It wasn’t even fall yet and she thought I would have Halloween plans. Claire was never one to dress up and I didn’t know why she would start now.
“Amos has that night off and I really need a night away from Amy.”
I knew ugly Amy wasn’t as loved as Claire pretended. If she was willing to dress as a slutty cheerleader, or slutty Cinderella, I bet she could hardly stand the child. Budge was going to go everywhere with me. I would never leave his side, well, maybe when he does Scarlett on the table I won’t be there, but maybe I will; someone must take the pictures to show the Stovalls.
I was now deep in costume decisions when she finally left the room to get ugly Amy dressed. I was still deep in thought when she returned and put the baby in a play pen, so we could talk.
“Are you and Julius having sex,” she asked, and I wondered why that would come up.
“Yeah, why?” I asked and felt a bit of relief they couldn’t hear him screaming profanity from their house.
“I don’t know, Jen can be pretty pushy and if she showed up at the club maybe she wants something from Julius again.”
I jumped up from the chair I was sitting on and rushed home to do some wash. I was coming back to the club and I needed underwear for my show down with the biggest whore west of the Mississippi River, maybe even west of the Atlantic Ocean, maybe even the entire world, heck, the whole universe.
I suddenly had energy I never knew I had. I washed everything in the entire house. Even a basket of clothes Julius
washed but never put away. I showered and shaved my legs, I plucked my eyebrows that were threatening to become an eyebrow, and I used hot rollers in my hair. I walked into that club looking smokin’ hot, from the chest up. And might I add my chest was looking big and beautiful.
It was all worth the effort when Julius looked at me and almost fell to the floor. He smiled and walked toward me, scanning my body, when I really wanted him to stop at my chest. I wore a little black dress and heels, too dressy for the Driftwood, but not too dressy for a whore fight.
He pulled me into his arms and spoke in my ear with his cookie voice, “God, I want you.”
“Pick a table when you close and I’m all yours,” I said with my fishing shack voice.
“Why Tobi, I believe you’re turning Southern,” he said with a drawl to mimic Travis’.
“Go sing me a song, Rhett,” I laughed and grabbed a handful of his perfect backside.
He walked to the stage and the female clientele began to scream as I searched for the breathing disease. I saw Hal first and felt my heart ache for him. Jenifer wouldn’t be faithful… ever. But, then I saw Hal looking some young thing up and down and wondered if it wasn’t a match made in heaven.
My eyes moved around the room and settled on her Majesty, Queen Whore. She glared at me and refused to look away. I smiled in a disturbed way. Julius didn’t keep peanuts out like Old Jessop did, so I had to come up with something better without the help of my bitchy sisters.
Pregnancy caused Jen’s large breasts to become massive. It made me think of a dairy commercial I saw as a child where the cow was given chocolate and then shaken to make chocolate milk. I wonder if that really happens. Maybe Julius will buy me a trampoline, so Budge can have chocolate milk.
Oh, where did the whore go, there she is, still staring at me.
I walked toward her, and she took a big sip of her water, or maybe it was Vodka and her baby was a lush already. Anyway, I could tell she planned on spitting at me, so I stopped walking toward her.
I placed my hand on my barely perceptible baby bump and smiled, but she rolled her eyes and did the same, so I laughed and looked at Hal before giving her a pity expression. She swallowed her vodka water and said loudly, “Like I would be jealous of a man who barely moves in bed.”
I glanced at my guy as he sang, giving most of the room orgasms with his sexiness and saw something clearly for the first time, not that I never had a clear thought before, but a clear thought regarding my man, okay, my first clear thought ever, I admit it.
Julius wasn’t a wall banger by nature, I did that to him, me. He got so worked up he pounded the wall and let everything flow at that moment, even his filthy words. Jen never got that out of him, I did. Jen didn’t teach him a thing, his prowess with me was all him.
I lost focus and began moving toward my guy as he sang and played guitar with his delicious fingers. I walked onto the stage and stood right next to him, so he sang into my eyes. My newly impressive chest was heaving with desire and I wondered at that moment if my water had broken. He finished the song and grabbed me forcefully, bringing me to his lips as I kissed him sloppily and noisily.
The crowd cheered and when we pulled apart I said, “You only bang the wall and scream profanity when you bang me, profanely.”
“Yes, only you,” he said with a smile and looked cautiously at the audience since we were standing by the microphone.
“So, it is my… you know… you can’t get effing enough of,” I clarified, as if he hadn’t screamed it loudly several times.
“Yes, only yours,” he repeated.
“I really am your soulmate,” I said confidently.
“Yes, you are,” he said proudly, and I began to cry. It was the perfect revenge and I never planned it that way. Jennifer stood in a room full of people to hear her ex-husband loved another woman so much he moved wildly in bed and screamed profanity as he orgasmed. He admitted it to a room full of panting women that only I got him off that intensely.
He took my hand to lead me from the stage, but I wasn’t that big of a person, so I leaned into the mic and said, “Jennifer, Hal is leering at all the tight pussy, so you might want to get him out of here.”
She spit her vodka water at me, but she didn’t keep her lips tight enough, which was the entire point I was trying to make, and the water spilled down the front of her huge, bovine boobs.
Revenge is sweet.
Chapter 22
Halloween is a bit of a mystery for me. Is it about the costumes, or the candy? Should the costumes be scary, or sluty? Should the lighted pumpkins go on the porch, where rain and wind can put out the candle, or in the window, where the curtains can catch on fire? Halloween was just too confusing.
I chose my costume to work with my new belly. I dressed in a flesh colored bodysuit which left only a small hole for my face to peek through, and then cut out a hole in the middle, so my baby bump poked out. I went as a belly button, an outie of course.
Julius threw a huge party at the club. Travis and Sara came to ours, not the one at his club. They showed up as a southern officer and his lady. I knew he had a uniform tucked away somewhere, I just expected it to be covered in swastikas. Amos came as the incredible hulk, obviously not getting the whole costume purpose. Claire was Wonder Woman, well, sluty Wonder Woman. I had no idea what Julius chose, but he was really worried about it when he found out my parents were coming, too. They came as raggedy Ann and Andy… because they are weird like that.
The party was in full swing and Claire was having a ball without her ugly baby. I couldn’t drink, so I walked around the club handing out candy and explaining my costume. Square people can be so dense sometimes.
I heard someone scream my name and looked over to see a gorgeous woman holding onto Kurt’s arm. She was dressed as Carman Miranda, with a sexy skirt and fruited wig. I didn’t care how hot she was; she was not bringing Kurt to my party.
I marched over to throw them out when the woman said, “You’re a belly button, right?”
I loved her; she was my new best friend, a fellow squiggle at heart, until she asked about Julius. It was then I recognized the eyes. “Kevin?” I asked in shock.
“In the banana,” he answered, and I looked really hard for his banana and didn’t see a trace.
“Oh my God, you’re gorgeous,” I said with a gasp and Kurt smiled proudly, which wasn’t fair because nobody in the room would know he was with a man.
“I’m only fixing what God messed up,” Kev said and grabbed some candy from my bowl. “Where’s the man?”
I noticed he said ‘The’ man, not ‘My’ man, but I was going to let it slide because if Jen couldn’t get him to pound walls, Kevin didn’t have a chance.
“My husband is coming later, he is still working on his costume,” I said, and then walked away from Kev so if Julius showed up he wouldn’t see the stark contrast between us.
I was busy with my candy duties when someone dressed as a bunny spoke to me. Now, it wasn’t a playboy bunny, or even a sultry bunny. It was a full head-to-toe, thick material and feet pajamas, kind of bunny. I looked at the whiskered face and realized it was Sues. Oh, heck no, if she thought she was doing the bunny hump with my husband she was wrong.
“Remember my husband,” she said, and I looked at a man I expected to be dressed as a pig and being forced to squeal. But, he was dressed as a race car driver and still looked too much like Ned Beatty.
“You keep your eyes to yourself or I’ll….” I see now, she wore the bunny suit to deflect my rubber bands. “Or I’ll hit Dale Earnhardt in the head, and I am not talking about aiming for his helmet.” I grabbed the second candy bar from her hand and put it back in my bowl as she quickly moved away from my sight.
I groaned loudly and planned on firing the doorman when I saw S’bastard walk in with Mr. California’s wife. He was dressed as a Merman and she was a Mermaid. It worked with his slicked back hair, when nothing should work with that look. I walked toward them with a scowl on my
face. He scanned my body and I suddenly felt exposed in a bodysuit, so I placed the candy bowl over my personal candy spot.
“What are you supposed to be?” he asked with a chuckle.
“Nice to you, but Julius isn’t around.”
He turned to his date and said, “Penny, this is my sister-in-law, Tobi… or Erica… she’s not sure.” His laughter rang throughout the club.
I absolutely knew my name. It was officially Erica, but I went by Tobi, so he was the idiot, not me. I looked at the beautiful woman whose face was covered in glitter and it threw me a bit. I wanted to be covered in glitter, but I would never want to be a Mermaid, I mean, the most important part of a woman was missing. Penny’s mouth was moving, but I wasn’t listening to anything she said. Once it stopped moving, I began listening.
“What did you say?” I asked rudely.
She looked at S’bastard and widened her eyes in surprise, or confusion, or maybe she had something in her eye. I tried to see if she had glitter floating around in there, but when I moved closer she backed up. Her mouth was moving again but I missed it. I sighed loudly and held out my candy bowl, but she shook her head to refuse my offer. I wanted to walk away from them, but it would put the back of my bodysuit in full view, so I backed up until people filled in the gap and then turned and made my get-a-way.
The crowd seemed to be having fun and Travis walked to the microphone to make an announcement, like it was his club, which it technically was, but still. “Welcome to the Driftwood,” he said, and I wondered where his accent went. “As a special treat we brought back the King of Rock and Roll to entertain you tonight, so welcome Elllvvviiisss Presley.”
Everyone went insane and the curtain opened to show an impersonator with a full band. He began with, Jail House Rock, and I had to admit he was really, really hot. His pelvic moves alone were so spot on, I wondered if Travis had some inside connections to actually revive the King of Rock and Roll.
When the song ended the lights lowered and he sat on a stool to sing, Love me Tender. I swooned, and Budge swayed as he appreciated the song, too, or maybe he was just expecting daddy to scream loudly at any second and was preparing himself.
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