Julius fell onto the couch in laughter and I stood and grabbed a candy cane from the tree, ready to sodomize him with it, when my parents knocked on the door. I pulled a sweater from the coat rack and wrapped it around my waist before answering the door.
My dad looked at Julius’s laughing face and then at my furious expression before asking, “Is something going on?”
“I’m fat, daddy,” I cried, and he held me in his arms.
“You’re not fat, princess. You’re still wearing your regular jeans,” he said to make me feel better, but I cried louder, and Julius laughed harder.
“She hasn’t zipped them for months and she just blew out the back,” Julius said and tried to reach for me. I moved out of his reach and held onto my daddy.
“Julius felt me up at work,” I said and stood back to allow the shooting to start. I just forgot to add the fact it was two years ago, and he was married to crotch-rot at the time.
My father got a nervous look on his face and finally said softly to Julius, “Yeah, um, wives don’t like that.”
Julius moved to quickly cover my mouth with his hand and assured my father he would control himself at the club from now on. I took a swing at his dangler, but he was too fast for me and I missed him completely.
I marched angrily up to my room and pulled out a pair of maternity pants. I stared at them with confusion. Did the stretchy part go in front or back? It was the back I split, but the front was growing quickly. I finally decided to put it in the front and headed downstairs to collect my gifts.
I grabbed Julius’ guitar on the way down and he looked at it, terrified I was planning to toss it into the fireplace. I handed it to him and listened as he began playing various Christmas tunes. My mother handed me a gift and she was anxious for me to open it. I stared at the box of plaster and wasn’t sure what it was.
“You make a mold of your belly, so you have a cast of your child while it is still inside of you,” she said, and Julius stopped playing to look at the box with excitement.
“So, what is it used for afterwards?” I asked.
“It is just a cast, like art work,” she said.
I looked at the instructions and saw I could mold my breasts and stomach as one piece. I could see so many possibilities, but a chip and dip bowl came to mind first. We could throw a huge party with a bowl that large.
I gave my mother a hug and handed over the gifts we purchased for them. I got my mother a purse she had been hinting about and my dad a box of Barnes bullets, which he almost jumped up and down over. Another knock sounded, and Claire, ugly Amy, and the thing walked in.
“Merry Christmas,” Claire said happily. She sat ugly Amy down to show off her outfit, a red dress with a crinoline slip, making her look like a tiny ballerina. She had on candy cane covered tights and little black, patent-leather shoes.
Everyone began making over how well she walked for an eleven-month-old, but I didn’t think it was anything spectacular. I handed Claire a gift bag, with the makeup tote she hinted at, so she hugged me for paying attention. I got Amos the toy from a happy meal, but dang that Julius bought him something to go along with it, a game for his X-box.
Ugly Amy opened her gift without any assistance, starting from the ends and not even tearing the paper, the little freak. I got her an abacus, and the ugly, cute girl pointed at a bead and said, “red.” And guess what, it was red. Claire gushed over the gift, while me and Amos planned to have ugly Amy explain to us how it worked when no one was around to hear.
Next to arrive were the Carmichaels. Our fathers sat off to the side making small talk and acting like they would rather be anywhere but stuck making small talk with each other. Charlotte handed me and Julius a gift to open together. It was some sort of radio thingy made from bright colors. “Wow,” Julius said and hugged his mother.
I managed to get really close to him and whispered, “What is it?”
“It is a surveillance system. We can watch the baby’s room on any computer and hear him anywhere in the house.”
“Like walkie talkies?” I asked.
“Kind of, think of Skype mixed with a walkie talkie,” he said and watched me try to work it out in my mind.
I’m sure he thought I was imagining Budge crying for a bottle as we watched him on a screen, but I was imagining us having sex while in separate rooms and watching each other on the screen as we moaned into the radios, but yeah, we could use it in the baby’s room, too.
“Have you chosen a name for the baby yet?” Charlotte asked, and the room grew silent, even ugly Amy looked at me.
I glanced at Julius to save me, but he was sitting with his head down. Ugly Amy had bigger balls than Julius. I took a deep breath and said, “Budge Q. Carmichael.”
Claire reached out and smacked Julius on the arm and he scooted away from her. My mother tried to smile and looked a bit guilty for giving birth to someone willing to name a baby Budge.
William dear was not one to keep quiet; he beat Microsoft once, so he felt entitled to speak. “Does it have some sort of meaning to you?”
“When I was little everyone said, ‘Tobi, don’t you Budge,’ and you shouldn’t tell a child that. So, I’m gonna name my child Budge and he can move whenever he wants. Also, I like the sound of the letter Q, not words that start with Q, but just the letter.”
William dear looked at my dad and Kenneth sat up a bit taller in case he had to defend his princess. He turned to his son and said with a tight jaw, “This is a joke, right?”
Julius walked over to where I stood and put his arm around my shoulders. “Ashley wanted to name a baby, Julius Ethan, and she cheated on me. Jennifer wanted to name our child Julius Richard Aiden George, and she cheated on me.”
I wanted to laugh and point out she most likely cheated with Julius, Richard, Aiden, and George, but I kept quiet as he made his point.
“Tobi wants to name our son, Budge Q., and she has never cheated on me, so I’m pretty good with that name. Is there anything you would like to say, father?”
In your face, you square, I thought to myself, but the way everyone turned to look at me it must have been said out loud. All discussion of names ceased for the rest of the day.
Christmas night, we were lying in bed and Julius pulled out a present from under his pillow and handed it to me. It was flat, so it wasn’t something to add to my bracelet. I pulled off the paper and saw a CD with Julius sitting on a piece of driftwood in the middle of an ocean.
“I recorded my songs for you,” he said, and my heart took off in a sprint.
“This looks professional,” I admitted, and he nodded.
“I rented time in a studio.”
I jumped up as fast as a pants splitting person can jump and put the CD in the stereo. The sound was amazing. The bass was rich, and his voice was crystal clear. I stood in the middle of our bedroom and cried. How did I end up with such an astonishing guy? I realize two squiggles can’t be together, they would most likely lose each other. A square and a squiggle would kill each other, but a lemniscates was perfection and he was my perfection.
“Why are you crying,” he asked softly as he came up behind me and pulled me to his chest. His lips kissed my shoulder and the palms of his hands rested on our child.
“You brought me Oz,” I said through my tears. “My world was black and white, but when I met you it turned to color, just like in The Wizard of Oz.”
“There’s no place like home,” he whispered as he kissed up to my ear. “There’s no place like home,” he said again as his hands moved to cup my breasts.
I reached behind my body to touch him and said with him, “There’s no place like home.”
This time when he pounded on the wall, I was praying for a house to land on Jennifer.
Chapter 25
We had three things to get through before Budge would arrive, Lamaze class, ugly Amy’s first birthday party, and my baby shower. I wasn’t sure which one I dreaded the most. I never considered having children and beli
eved I would most likely get them off the internet like my bitchy sisters. So, the mechanics of childbirth wasn’t something I really looked into.
The class was held at the Harborton hospital and we walked in as Lamaze virgins, thinking we would be told about a magic tea, or something soothing, and then given parting gifts. We left with stunned faces and I wondered if Budge could attend kindergarten while still in my uterus.
Some woman, obviously a relative of Jennifer’s, allowed a camera to film her giving birth, like right up in her hoo hoo, and man, I have no idea what it is about vagina’s that men love. I watched the screen, wondering if crotchless panties would have made it better, but there was nothing in the world more terrifying than a seven-pound baby coming from somewhere extra-large tampons struggled.
I glanced at Julius during the film and he sat with his legs crossed and his butt cheeks clenched. He wouldn’t even look at me, and I so wanted to use my you did this to me stare. I was denied critical need to know information regarding the birthing process. A video should come with your birth control pills as a warning.
We sat silent in the car for several moments before he turned and said, “It will be fine, Tobi.”
I continued to stare out the window and said softly, “Don’t speak to me, ever.”
“Okay,” he said and sounded relieved, too.
We drove home in silence and I picked up the phone and called Claire to come right over. Julius went to his office to gouge out his eyes as I sat at the table in shock.
Claire walked through the back door and came over to give me a hug. “It is harder to watch than to do,” she said, and I seriously doubted it.
“I want an abortion,” I blurted out and she laughed. Abortions weren’t laughing matters and it wasn’t like Claire to be so inappropriate. “I can’t do it,” I cried and began to shake. “I mean, they said first labors can last for hours. I’m going to have my child hanging from my personal squiggle for hours, Claire.”
“Once you’re ready to push it goes a lot faster,” she said, and I had no idea how I was going to get in there to push. “The greatest thing about childbirth is how quickly it leaves your memory. Once you hold your baby, you would do it all over again. Just ask for an epidural and you won’t feel a thing.”
“Wait, what’s that?” I asked and prayed I found a loophole.
“It is a needle in your spine to numb you. It is harder to push with it, but you don’t feel anything.”
“Okay, where do I get one?” I asked, planning to run to the store this very moment.
“When you get checked in at the hospital tell them you want an epidural and they will call an anesthesiologist to come put it in. Hasn’t your doctor talked to you about all of this?”
“Maybe, I don’t listen very often,” I admitted, but I was certainly going to make more of an effort from now on.
“Where’s Julius?” she asked and looked around the parts of the house she could see from her seat.
“He’s in his office, praising the Almighty for making him a male,” I said and wasn’t kidding.
She walked to his office to see if he needed a sedative and make sure he wasn’t removing his own dangler after seeing what those dumb things can cause. I got up and stood against the wall outside of his office to hear them talk.
“How did it go?” Claire asked him.
“I’m not usually a squeamish person,” he said softly. “But, damn.”
She laughed loudly and said something that really shocked me. “Amos has delivered three babies, one in Iraq, one on base as a M.P. and we used a birthing suite, so he delivered Amy. He could deliver a baby with one hand and eat a sandwich with another. Why don’t you talk to him about what you’re feeling?” Like I would allow Julius to discuss anything as important as bringing our child into the world with Amos.
“Thanks, Claire. How’s Tobi processing everything?” he asked because my guy was so sweet, wait, he caused this!
“If there is a way to give birth painlessly through your nose, Toto will find it,” she said and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
I walked into his office after saying goodbye to Claire and Julius held out his hand for me, so I sat on his lap. He rubbed my stomach for a moment and then looked into my eyes. “Do you still love me?” he asked.
“Yes, but I hate your penis,” I said with a pout. “I’m getting an epidural.”
“Okay, I’m getting a blindfold,” he said, and I nodded with understanding. “You can name our child anything you want after doing what I witnessed tonight.”
“Oh, you are going to give in way more than just a name. I pretty much own your butt for the rest of my life,” I informed him, and he smiled and nodded.
Neither one of us got much sleep that night. I began reading everything I could get my hands on regarding child birth.
On the twentieth of January, we walked across the frozen yard to attend ugly Amy’s birthday party. She was now putting two words together, one more than Travis usually did, and could put simple toddler puzzles together, which was more than Amos could do.
When we walked in, Claire told her to welcome us to her party. She said something unintelligible, but I caught the word party. For all I know she told us to leave her effing party. Sara and Travis came in right behind us and when our men hugged, it reminded me to bring up old sis when I got a free chance. My expanding middle made me a bit insecure, so I wanted to make sure sis never came back to the north.
Sara put her hands on my stomach and said, “We’re trying for a baby, I hope I get pregnant soon.”
“Do you know how babies are born?” I gasped and hoped to spare her the shock I had.
“Travis and I want to have a water birth,” she said and smiled at her husband who looked at her with his freaky eyes.
“The Stovalls seem to have a thing for water,” I said angrily, and Julius gave me a warning glare, so I quickly asked, “What is a water birth?”
“You sit in a warm tub together, with the lights low and soft music playing, and the baby is born into the water, so its first experience with life isn’t traumatic.”
This time people weren’t staring at me like I just announced I was the antichrist. They were staring at Sara that way. What in the heck was she talking about, it wasn’t the air that was traumatic, it was the narrow birth canal. She could sit in a tub of champagne with a choir singing, When the Saints Come Marching In, and it was still going to be traumatic.
“What if your baby can’t swim?” I asked to break the silence.
“They’re in water already,” she tried to point out, but I had more information now, so I could refute her deduction.
“And if you recall, they are trying to get out of the water, so wouldn’t having them in water just piss them off or hurt their feelings?”
“No,” she said angrily. “It transitions them slowly in a soothing way.”
“So, a tub of water makes up for smashing their head through your vagina? Because water ain’t fixing that,” I laughed.
“Okay, the focus is on Amy today,” Claire said to stop the vagina talk in her kitchen. “There’s coffee over there and make a plate of food.”
The Bicknells arrived and so did a few couples from ugly Amy’s Gymboree group. Julius spent most of the evening talking about the clubs with Travis; Amos spent it putting together a big plastic kitchen to indoctrinate ugly Amy as to her place in the world.
I was sitting like a lump in the recliner when ugly Amy came up and handed me her doll as she said, “Bebe.” Then she touched my stomach and said, “You bebe.”
I picked up her doll and gave it a kiss before noticing it cried when you laid it down. I picked it up again and made it cry several times before I began having images of cutting open the back. “Here, take your bebe,” I said to ugly Amy.
She rocked it in her arms and said, “Bebe cwy.”
“I didn’t cut it,” I informed her, and got up to remove myself from her accusatory stare.
I walked into the
kitchen to hear Claire and Sara talking about my baby shower. It would be easier to have it in San Francisco, but I was the one that shouldn’t travel that far with only a few weeks to go. Sara assured me they would set up car pools and everyone would make it to Claire’s house.
“Are you sure you don’t want some girl stuff, just in case?” Sara asked, and I shook my head adamantly, knowing how much Julius feared the color pink. “Travis’ family is coming to visit next month; I hope it isn’t during the shower.”
I looked over at the two men still talking, planning to discuss the rape of my husband, when suddenly my stomach turned rock hard. I grabbed the back of a chair and yelled, “Ahhh.”
My guy turned white as a ghost and jumped up to rush to my side. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“It didn’t hurt, it just felt really weird,” I said and moved to sit in the chair.
“Those are false labor pains,” Claire said, “It is just your uterus preparing for birth. They go away when you lie down. You’ll learn to just ignore them.”
“Do you want to go lie down?” Julius asked me, and I nodded feeling too emotional to speak.
He put my coat on for me, since false labor pains make you suddenly handicapped, and held me tightly as we walked back to our house. I went right to bed and waited, and waited, and waited. Not one more contraction was felt, so I got up and did a few loads of wash while Julius, Travis, and Sara spent the evening at the Driftwood.
Things began to speed up. I went to more doctor appointments, I watched the scale move up and up and up, the fake pains became more constant, and Budge decided his favorite spot was lying on my bladder with his heel kicking my ribs. When he moved, my entire abdomen did the wave, causing Julius to freak out and jump away from me.
“God, that looks like the movie Alien,” he said to an emotionally drained, water retaining, sleep deprived, heartburn suffering woman.
“You want to talk about Alien,” I screamed. “Let’s talk about that junk hanging between your legs that can’t decide if it should be hard or soft. It isn’t that tough, pick one.”
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