by RJ Blain
The bitterness in Ryan’s voice was partnered with an acrid stench. When I breathed it in, it left a sour, bitter taste on my tongue. My wolf didn’t know what the smell meant, but she didn’t like it.
It reminded her of sickness.
“What about it bothers you?”
Ryan sighed. “Most submissive Fenerec want to be in the company of others. I like being alone. I like having the time to think.”
My eyes widened as I considered his words. In the airport, Ryan had spoken about how he loved the solitude of the mountains and their endless sapphire skies, skies I had never believed I could see for myself. The hope I would one day bear witness to the shade of blue Ryan so loved grew stronger.
Solitude was something I enjoyed, too. It let me think. It let me step away from the rigors of the world, regroup, and prepare for the future.
“That’s part of why you go up to your mountain, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
I bit my lip to contain my sigh of disappointment. I wanted to see Ryan’s sky, but I didn’t want to invade his privacy, not when it meant so much to him. “Are all packs like that? Containing you because you’re submissive?”
“Yes.”
“Is it true the—that the human in you will die, and they’ll have to kill you?”
“One day,” he acknowledged.
“Is there no way you can be in a pack and still be free?” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. “Is there no way to make it work?”
“If I were yours, would you let me go whenever I wanted? Maybe I’d be gone a day, maybe a week, maybe a month—maybe I’d stay up in my mountain for a year, alone.”
My wolf’s anger and dismay cut through me, and her emotions stole my breath. Her denial strengthened with every passing moment. I ground my teeth together, using so much force pain radiated from my jaw.
We had gotten along so well, my wolf and I, and refusing her wishes hurt. Fighting her was like driving a knife into my own stomach and twisting the blade.
I valued my freedom and independence, I valued being able to make my own choices, and I valued deciding for myself what sort of life I would live. The idea of someone caging me, no matter how comfortable the prison, left me sick to my stomach.
No one deserved that. I understood, and because I did, I forced myself to nod. “I would. I’d hate it, I’d hate every minute of it, but—”
Ryan crushed his mouth to mine and kissed away the rest of my words.
As a human, I had always enjoyed sex when I found a good partner. As a Fenerec, need and desire ruled, and even without my wolf’s urges spurring me, I wanted Ryan. One kiss from him was enough to make me burn.
Ryan toyed with me, and with any other man, I would’ve hated it. With him, my wolf loved every moment he left me breathless and wanting. Had I been the one in control, I would have gone for what I wanted most first.
I wasn’t, and by the time Ryan finished with me, I was sprawled on top of him, bathed in sweat and gasping for air. Pressing my nose to the side of his neck, I breathed in deep, savoring the way the spice of his scent mingled with mine.
“That wasn’t quite the response I was expecting,” I confessed, contemplating if I had enough energy to roll off Ryan. The warmth of his skin conspired to keep my body relaxed, and I made a contented noise in my throat. “I like being alone sometimes, too.”
“I really value my freedom.”
I laughed and drew circles on his chest, his skin slick beneath my fingers. “I can tell. If I’d known it was so easy to get a man to sleep with me, I wouldn’t have so many unused condoms in my purse.”
Ryan had far more strength than his lithe body suggested, and he used it to flip me onto my back and pin me beneath him. His breath washed over my throat. “I’m the jealous type, beautiful.”
Instead of being alarmed by a man trapping me with his body, a sense of security blanketed me, a feeling I hadn’t realized had been stripped away from me until I became aware of it settling around me and my wolf.
Dad had given me that feeling, but it had begun to crumble after La Guardia and had been crushed to powder by Harthel. Relief so strong it stole my breath flooded through me.
I wasn’t alone.
Other men I had let go before my jealousy could rear its ugly head, but Ryan had already worked his way under my skin, and I’d fight to keep him and the sense of safety he brought with him. “So am I.”
Ryan chuckled and kissed my throat before working his way up to my lips. After several gentle, feather-light kisses, he murmured, “Good. You deserve unwavering loyalty. Any man foolish enough to stray from someone as beautiful as you doesn’t deserve to have you. I’m also greedy and don’t like to share.”
My stomach chose that moment to gurgle its demands for food, and Ryan barked a laugh. “My father liked complaining he was always competing with my mother’s stomach for her attention.”
I blushed. “I’m sorry.”
“Small price to pay. However, if I don’t want to become your breakfast, I better check if there’s anything left in the fridge. If it’s stopped snowing, we could go hunt.”
My wolf’s interest piqued. “Hunt?”
“Hunt. As wolves. You’ll have to learn how eventually. I’ll teach you the basics in the cabin.”
“Let’s hunt.”
Ryan chuckled, dropped another kiss on my lips, and rolled off me. “If that’s what you want, that’s what we’ll do. It’s a good time to start teaching you how to be a Fenerec. It’s a good chance to see if you can figure out the trick of transforming, too.”
“I’m not sure what to do,” I confessed.
“When I want to change into my wolf, I concentrate on my wolf’s shape, his body, and him. However unhelpful this sounds, after that, it just happens. Part of your problem will be the fact you have no familiarity with your wolf. My wolf can sense yours and can call her out, though, just as I can sense you—the human part of you—and call you out and help initiate your shifting.” Ryan sighed, and his expression turned wry. “Dominant Fenerec have an easier time forcing someone else to shift—or stopping a transformation from happening.”
“But you can?”
“I do a lot of things I shouldn’t because I must.”
“Would it help if I watched you change?”
Ryan shook his head. “If anything, it’ll make it more difficult, I think. There’ll be time enough to watch me go through it later. Experience it a few times for yourself first. You have enough to come to terms with already.”
There was something about the way his voice turned guarded I didn’t like, and I narrowed my eyes, shifting on the bed so I could watch his every move. “Why would I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact you can shift into a wolf?”
Ryan grimaced. “It’s not the fact I can become a wolf. It takes me half an hour on a good day. Your wolf won’t like it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s painful, that’s why. Until you’ve experienced the pain of transformation a few times, your wolf will have a difficult time accepting the necessity of it, which will make it harder on you. Once you’ve begun transforming, the process will happen on its own, so I’ll shift while you’re shifting, too.”
“How long should it take me?”
“It took you almost an hour your first shift, but you were hurt. You probably don’t remember much about it, do you?”
While I had some memories of when Ryan had brought me to his cabin, they were blurred, and I had difficulty making sense of them. “A little, but not much.”
“Give it a try. See if you can coax your wolf to the forefront and take her shape.”
Although I was aware of my wolf’s presence and her eagerness to hunt, I couldn’t figure out how to break through the barriers separating us. After a few long minutes trying to puzzle it out, I shook my head in defeat.
Ryan shrugged and didn’t seem surprised by my failure. “You’ll figure it out eventually. Don’t worry about it. It get
s easier with each transformation. When the full moon rises, you’ll shift, and you’ll probably catch the hang of it then. Tell me when you’re ready. This will hurt, and there’s nothing I can do to help with that.”
I swallowed, worried about what I was getting myself into, and nodded when I was ready.
Ryan cupped my face in his hands, stared me in the eyes, and my world narrowed to the agony of every bone in my body breaking at the same time.
When I finally finished the transition from human to wolf, Ryan was waiting, his tail draped over his front paws, sitting straight and majestic, with every last strand of his fur neatly groomed to perfection. Despite Dalton’s belief my eyes would heal and I would see color, he was the familiar shades of gray I expected from the world, a dark slate compared to the lighter tones of his cabin.
My disappointment lasted only as long as it took for me to realize just how large Ryan was as a wolf. He towered over me so much I had to lean back to get a good look at his head.
His nose and muzzle were the purest white, as were the tips of his ears.
Rising, Ryan shook himself, unsettling his smooth fur so tufts of it stood up every which way. He dipped into a play bow, warbled at me, and batted me with his paw.
I fell over and rolled onto my back, astonished at how little effort it took him to knock me over. With my wolf’s help, I figured out how to get back onto my paws, mimicking the way Ryan had shook out his coat. With his tongue lolling out of his mouth in canine laughter, he knocked me over again with a single swipe of his paw.
My wolf’s desire to rise to his challenge burned in my bones, and I lurched upright and lunged at him, snapping my teeth in rebuke.
Ryan warbled and turned, cast a look over his shoulder, and brushed the long hairs of his tail against my nose. With his tongue still hanging out of his mouth in open mockery, he headed for the bedroom door, choosing to ignore my presence behind him. My wolf recognized the taunt for what it was, and her desire erupted into a need to put the male in his place despite his far larger size.
I howled and chased after Ryan, slipping and sliding when my paws hit the hardwood floor of the hallway. Crashing into the wall hurt, and I yipped as I sought to find my balance. My prey halted at the threshold between the kitchen and living room, watching me with pale, bright eyes. One of his ears twisted back as I tripped and flopped to my belly on the floor.
My wolf’s disgust at my clumsiness dulled the edge of her annoyance over Ryan’s mockery. Scrambling upright, I slowed to a careful prowl, aware of the way I couldn’t find any purchase even when using my claws to keep me from sliding on the floor. I flattened my ears and warbled a complaint.
Ryan’s tongue lolled out, and he jumped for the carpet, flicking his tail in silent challenge. Baring my fangs and growling, I stalked after him. Maybe I had no hope of overpowering such a large wolf, but I’d catch him all the same. When I reached the carpet, I crouched and launched in his direction.
With a single step to the side, he evaded me. The instant my paws hit the floor, I dug my claws in deep, twisted around, and lunged for him, snapping my teeth at his side.
Ryan knocked over the coffee table dodging out of my reach, and I recoiled and yipped from the noise. The furniture made a convenient barricade for my prey; while it wasn’t large enough to offer him complete coverage, I was too small to jump over it. Howling my annoyance at being thwarted, I raked my claws down the table’s underside. I darted for the end, reaching around to bite at his tail.
I caught a few hairs with my teeth before he took off for the kitchen.
A small size offered me agility and should have granted me speed, but Ryan always kept just beyond my reach, going as far as smacking me with his tail if I bored him. The living room lamp fell prey to my clumsiness. Ignoring the shattering of the glass bulb, I propelled off the wall and crashed into Ryan’s side. He jumped back, smacking into the television.
It teetered on its stand and fell towards us, and with a heavy sigh, Ryan stepped over me. The large screen smashed across his back, and glass showered down to the floor. I hunkered under Ryan’s belly, tucking my tail at the minefield of glittering shards strewn across the carpet.
Ryan sighed and stood still, supporting the ruins of his television so it wouldn’t crush me under its weight. When I took a single step to navigate my way through the shards, he growled at me. I froze, whining at the rebuke, retreating to my original spot, lowering my head.
Through Ryan’s legs, I got a good look at his living room and the rubble of what had once been his furniture. While I had managed to destroy the lamp, Ryan had broken off three of the four legs of his coffee table, added several long gashes to his couch, knocked over the end table and flattened it, destroyed the sound system, and had managed to bring down the curtain and its rod. The few paintings and decorations on the wall had toppled to the floor.
The kitchen hadn’t fared much better, although I had no idea how we had managed to knock open the cabinet doors and spill their contents all over the tiles.
Ryan shifted his weight, grunted, and bucked the television off his back, sending it on a crash course with his couch. A tangle of cables and devices followed, smashing to the floor in a cascade of plastic and glass.
Any other man I knew would’ve begun mourning the destruction of his property, but all I could detect from Ryan’s scent was his amusement, as though the evidence of my chase was a badge of pride rather than an unexpected expense or concern.
Ducking his head beneath his front paws, Ryan snagged me by the scruff of my neck and lifted me. I yipped and tucked my tail and paws. I wasn’t sure how he managed to navigate the minefield of glass shards, but Ryan carried me to safety before setting me down beside the door.
The scratch of a key in a lock startled me into retreating towards the kitchen. Before I could make it far, Ryan stepped on my tail, pinning me in place. I growled and batted at his paw, which earned me a huff.
A moment later, the door opened and Dalton let in cold air and snow, which swirled over the floor. The Alpha paused in the doorway, blinked at us, and stared in the direction of the living room.
“I’m not sure I should ask,” the man said with a sigh in his voice. “I see you weren’t exaggerating about her size, which leads me to far more questions than you can answer right now, Ryan. Is there a reason your home has been destroyed?”
With far more dignity than I thought possible for the situation, Ryan bobbed his head.
“Just answer me this: any problems?”
Ryan shook his head.
Heaving a sigh, Dalton shook his head, once again taking in the destruction of Ryan’s home. “All right. I’ll take care of the mess so you don’t shred your paws. Go blow off steam, but don’t be out long. It’s cold, and it’ll only be getting colder. The others will be up in a few minutes, but I’ll tell them you’re going for a run. Don’t lose your bitch in a drift. They’re bigger than she is.”
Laughing, the man squeezed by us and headed into the kitchen. With his tongue lolling out of his mouth, Ryan released my tail and nosed me in the direction of the door. I stared at the snow, casting a scornful look at the Fenerec males.
A drift would be overkill; the snow piled against the door towered over me, and not even the trail Dalton had broken was shallow enough for me to navigate without help. Ryan didn’t seem to care, snatching me by my scruff and lifting me up before plowing his way towards the forests surrounding his cabin.
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan carried me high onto his mountain where the gusting winds swept the rocks clean of snow. Setting me down, he dragged his tongue over my fur, soothing where he had bitten into my scruff. The cold air nipped my nose, and crisp scents filled my lungs with each breath.
Even in his cabin, I had been aware of the smells signifying civilization, but on the peaks of Ryan’s mountain, the reminders of humanity slipped away, leaving me with an unbroken view of pale skies, pristine snow, and dark rock.
If there were
colors in my world, I couldn’t see them, no matter how long I stared up at the sky in search of the sapphire Ryan loved.
Ryan nudged my shoulder with his nose, huffed, and took several steps in the direction of the peak, pausing to make certain I followed him. The rocks were cold beneath my paws. The difference in our size worried me. He walked without any sign of the snow bothering him, while I had to hop to make my way through the snow, which came up to my belly.
Would I one day grow to such a large size? Ryan had mentioned wanting to hunt, but beside him, I was aware he could swallow me without having to chew first. I shivered from more than the cold.
While I was aware of my wolf’s presence, she was distant, and I got the sense she had no interest in what I did, leaving me to discover the wonders of the wild on my own. After having been contained within a human body, I was a little dismayed by her lack of interest in the fact I was a wolf.
She was content to leave the matter of the hunt to me while she slept.
In a way, I couldn’t blame her. The reality of the chill biting through my fur and stinging my nose was a lot less thrilling than the idea of it, which had lured me from the warm comforts of Ryan’s bed.
Maybe I’d like the mountain top better when the wind didn’t threaten to knock me over each time it gusted. I scrambled after Ryan, struggling to keep up with him as he followed a path I couldn’t see. He abandoned the open slopes for pine forests, and the thick boughs overhead kept the worst of the snow off the ground.
A musky odor hung in the air, and I halted, lifting my head in my effort to identify it. Something about the scent roused my wolf, but after a moment of consideration, she slipped back into slumber, leaving me ignorant of its source. Ryan snuffled, and both of his ears pricked forward.
Instead of his brisk, purposeful stride, Ryan slid into a prowl, every step slow, smooth, and silent. He weaved his way through the trees, his head held low, although I was aware of how he scanned the forest in search of something.