Lawlessly in Love

by Mercy B

  “I just nearly bodied a man in broad daylight in a fucking mall with spectators because you bitched up around him. That’s the exact reason I stay away from this shit. I could’ve brought so much unnecessary attention my way for this dumb ass shit.”

  Sosa shoved my body forward until my back was against the wall. He ripped the gray tights I’d worn out to shreds before doing the same to my satin underwear. My arms wrapped around his neck instinctively while still under great distress from his previous confession. I felt his enlarged manhood enter my most sacred space, the one that he’d claimed due to his selfishness.

  Up and down, he stroked me as if he were going for broke. Deep, long, calculated strokes that broke my heart a bit more with each one. Soundlessly, Sosa was relaying a message to me, fucking me as if he’d never see me again because he probably wouldn’t.

  This wasn’t makeup sex. This was the type of lovemaking soldiers delivered their wives before they went off to serve. This was the kind of pipe criminals laid down on their girl before going to do a bid. This was the type of sex that sealed fates and made goodbyes easier to fathom because one was still floating before the realization was apparent.

  I rained on him, drenching him with my forgiveness, and he hadn’t even come back yet. But I knew he would. If what he’d confessed was truthful, then there was no amount of risk that would deter his efforts. He’d come back to me. We were just getting started. He had no other choice. I felt his climax reaching as his strokes quickened, and his grip tightened.

  “I can’t do this shit, G,” he confessed. “This shit gon’ get a nigga fucked off. I’m sorry. I can’t do this shit,” Sosa whispered in my ear as he released himself into my awaiting oasis.

  “You can,” I encouraged him as my body went limp. The wetness that stained my face was evidence of my dissatisfaction with Sosa’s revelation. “I know you can.”

  His strokes had discontinued as he leaned forward and buried his face in my hair. His labored breathing was music to my ears, pulling emotions from deep within that I’d harbored since the first time he’d cut off communication over a month ago.

  “No, I can’t. Any sign of weakness, and there’s a target on my back. A target on yours.” He began letting me down.

  “I love you, Sosa.” The tears were in abundance.

  “Don’t say that shit,” he fussed, lowering my feet to the floor. “I’ll have ya shit brought to your house before long. I need some time to sort this shit out.”

  “Why are you so upset?” I had to know. “Why is it so frustrating to admit how you feel? What’s the harm in admitting what—”

  “Because, G. Niggas like me don’t get to fall in love.”

  With a crumbled face, displaying his true feelings, Sosa reached forward and wiped the tears from my eyes. “That’s just the way it is.”

  Chapter 7

  Gauge

  The bright morning sun shone through my window with cruel intentions. My eyes prickled, reminding me of the long night I’d spent alone. After a late rehearsal, I stopped by the liquor store and grabbed two bottles of Stella Rosa Black. Netflix had been my savior, allowing me to watch an unlimited stream of movies.

  The Vow happened to be one, which left me crying, horny, and wishing Sosa would come around. It had been three days, and no word from him. The first two days, I’d blown his line down but decided to give it a rest last night. Now, I was sitting on the edge of my bed with a lousy hangover, wondering if he would come to my graduation as he’d promised weeks ago.

  I continued replaying our last encounter over in my head to understand how I had become the issue suddenly. The misery that covered Sosa’s face as he confessed his love for me was something I’d never forget. That shit haunted me in my sleep.

  In all of my years, I’d never met a man so damned determined not to love. I understood that he was in the streets, but that was no excuse to run from the very thing that had been the reason for his existence—I was sure. Thoughts of him were becoming agonizing, so I tried pushing them to the back of the brain.

  Today was about progression, starting with walking my ass across the stage after five-years of undergrad. I could’ve graduated last semester and stayed at the four-year mark, but I was two credits shy, which pushed my date back a full semester. Being that I was in no rush, I took my loss like a champ and continued pushing. I was on a full ride, academically outperforming my entire school body and graduating valedictorian of my high school. Again, I was in no rush to kick the books to the curb. After completing my undergrad, I had every intention of completing my Master’s.

  My alarm sounded as assurance that I was up and at it. With the way that my night had gone, I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to wake myself without a bit of assistance. I shut it down before opening the messages I’d been receiving throughout the morning.

  They were mostly from family, while others were from my two best friends. My father’s message was the most heartening. He’d raised me alone, taking on the responsibility at only seventeen years old. My mother, whom I despised with great joy, had opted for adoption after begging my father for abortion money that he would not give her.

  At the hospital, she insisted they give me up for adoption, being that she had her entire life ahead of her. She was only sixteen at the time. After discussing it with my grandparents, my father took sole custody of me, even omitting my mother’s name from my birth certificate upon her request. When my father turned eighteen, and I began walking, my father was forced out of his parents’ home and into the real world. It was tough love, and he thanked them for it every day.

  When I turned fourteen, I met my mother for the first time. We happened to run into her at the grocery store while shopping for my birthday party. My father introduced her as my mother, and the look on her face spoke volumes. She hadn’t expected him to, and neither had I. By now, I’d come up with my own theory. I’d repeated to my classmates and friends so many times that my mother died giving birth to me that I began to believe it myself. She was as good as dead to me. I didn’t see her again until my high school graduation, where she made it clear that she wanted to establish a relationship with me, but I declined.

  Every so often, she’d try slithering her way into my life, but I would shut it down the minute I got word. She’d been getting my father to do her dirty work, serving as the middleman and message deliverer. He’d always wanted us to make amends, but I didn’t give a damn about that shit.

  Quickly, I responded to every message I’d received with intentions to see everyone later. My father had reserved a section at Red Lobster for our large party, knowing that it was my favorite seafood spot. There would be fifteen of us, fourteen being that Sosa was MIA. Trying not to get too caught up in my feelings again, I headed for the shower.

  Sosa

  I watched my baby walk across the stage. As much as I wanted to disappear and not confirm my presence, I felt that I needed to let Gauge know that I’d kept my promise and showed. There were hundreds of graduates to be called after her, but I had moves to make. Finally, I’d gotten a detective on board and would be meeting him in an hour outside of Dallas.

  Come here.

  I texted, knowing she had her phone in her hand. Nearly the entire student body did. I waited as the gray bubble appeared before she responded. Taking a peek at my surroundings, I tried figuring out where the hell I was, knowing that she’d ask.

  G: You’re here? Where?

  Instead of explaining, I took a few pictures before sending them out. Gauge responded with the quickness. She let me know that she’d come but couldn’t stay long.

  G: I’m coming, but I only have about five or ten minutes to spare.

  I may not even have that long.

  I responded before sliding my phone inside of my pocket.

  “Hey.” She was so angelic, the complete opposite of the man before her.

  Her soft nature reminded me of why she didn’t belong in my world, a world filled with strife beyond one’s w
ildest dreams. It was enough looking over my own shoulder. I didn’t want to have to look over hers too. Besides, the feelings that I had for G were so immense that I would never subject her to the lifestyle I’d grown to love. It was all I knew.

  I’d been in the streets since the age of sixteen and hadn’t looked back. Tired of seeing my mother struggle, an empty dinner table, and no new shoes by the time the new school year started, I picked up my first piece of crack after taking the alleyway home and finding a dealer slain.

  She was so beautiful, her hair straightened and the sparkly dress we’d agreed on hugging her curves. She had unfastened her robe to let some air inside. I was certain she was burning up in that thick motherfucker.

  “What’s good? You out of there.”

  Temptation led me to reach out to her and pull her into my chest. I hadn’t shared an embrace with her since leaving her home a few days ago, and I was feeling the effects of it all. Each night I laid in the bed that she once occupied, I realized how special she actually was to me. The darkness that she’d lit had returned, and my lonesomeness was more apparent than ever.

  Gauge had provided me with something intangible, something undeniable, something unforgettable. Her absence was devastation and far more notable than her presence. I was plain sick without her, but I’d never admit it. Not to her, and especially not to anyone else. So I held my shit together while showcasing the genuine happiness I had for her.

  “Yeah.” I tried removing myself from her space, but she wasn’t ready. “G.” I pried us apart. “You good?”

  The waterworks began. I hadn’t intended to make her cry. “Maybe I shouldn’t have called you out here. I just wanted to let you know I’d kept my promise. Let me get out of your hair.”

  “No. I’ll be fine. It’s just that… this is all so new to me. Have you had enough time to sort things out?”

  “G, not today.”

  “I really need to know, Sos. I’m sick about this.” She wiped her tears. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” I admitted, assisting her in wiping her tears.

  They were swords through my chest. “Are you coming to dinner too?”

  “Na, G. I just wanted to see you walk and give you these.” I reached into my back pocket and retrieved the envelop.

  “What’s that?”

  “Dry your eyes, and I’ll let you open it,” I bribed, desperate for her to dry those tears that were spilling from her beautiful eyes.

  “Okay.” Gauge straightened her face and posture.

  “Here.”

  She tore the flap and pulled out the contents. Inside were three tickets to New York with the plane leaving in the morning. We’d made plans to drive to Houston that no longer existed, so I was certain she’d be free.

  “Sosa.” She began jumping up and down. “You didn’t.”

  “I did. Go enjoy your girls. There’s a debit card in there as well that I loaded with money. Everything is on me. Make sure that I got their information correct. If not, then I can give you my travel agent’s information to get the shit straightened out. I’ve got to run, G. I’ll see you around.” Pulling her by the chin, I kissed her forehead and then her cheek. “I’m proud of you, baby girl.”

  With that, I disappeared into the small crowd of people walking about. Once I made it to the door, I could still feel her presence. Turning around, I noticed she hadn’t moved from the spot she’d been standing in. Giving into my flesh, I circled back around.

  “I’m sorry,” were the only words that came to mind as I pulled her into my arms and savored her essence. “Go back inside, G.”

  On the hour journey outside of the city, I contemplated busting a U-turn and being at Gauge’s side. But that shit wasn’t happening. The travel station that I had agreed to meet the detective that would be on my team was equipped with a Subway in which we’d be conducting business. Once I was parked at the far end of the lot, I pulled the hoodie over my head and slid the dark shades onto my face.

  “Detective Lancer,” I greeted, sitting at the table next to the one he was perched at. With our backs toward one another, he began.

  “Evening, Mr. Law. I have a few files for you to look over. The lead detective on your case is squeaky clean. I’ve tried to get dirt on her, but I’m coming up empty-handed. Her partner, however, Mansfield, has a bit of a coke habit. He’s adamant about keeping his shit under the rug. He doesn’t score. He ruffs up the local dope boys and takes what they have on them. Seen it with my own eyes.”

  “How much do they have on me? Did Fonzo and Whim sing or what?”

  “They don’t have enough to convict you of anything right now. It’s all just a theory. They’re scrambling to find information, but no one talked.”

  I would spare their lives. “Appreciate it. Put the files in the second stall of the men’s room. I’ll be in right behind you.”

  Gauge

  “Look what I got, bitches!” I whispered to my friends as we all settled in our seats at the long table.

  My father, Sauni, her twin girls, her husband, Brielle, my grandmother Lorraine, a friend I met in school named Audrey, and a host of others had gathered after my graduation to celebrate my accomplishment.

  “Where are you going?” Brielle asked.

  “Where are we going is the question. Sos got us tickets to New York. We head out tomorrow. Sauni, do you think that you’ll be able to get away?”

  “As much as I need this damn girl’s trip, my husband had better comply, or I’m divorcing his ass.”

  “We both know that is a lie, but we will let you have that.” Brielle shrugged.

  “Seriously, I’m in. How long?”

  “A week, but we can rearrange your flight if you need to be back early. I know it’s such short notice.”

  “No, ma’am. Count me in. Between my mother, mother-in-law, and grandparents, the girls will be just fine. Hell, they can alternate days for all I care. I’m tired.”

  My girl was raising two beautiful babies and caring for her husband without complaint. She deserved some time away, and I was thrilled that she’d be able to get that. I couldn’t wait to get to New York and show the hell out. Sosa might not have been talking to me at the moment, but I planned to spend his money like he was.

  “Mili. Come here, baby,” I heard my father call out to me.

  I stood and skipped over to where he was seated near my grandparents. My father didn’t look a day over thirty, and it was hard to believe that he was my dad. When anyone saw us out together, they assumed we were a couple until we told them otherwise.

  He was such a loving and kind spirit. I couldn’t remember a time when he’d even yelled at me. Many predicted he’d fail as a single father, while people like my grandparents were rooting him on from the sidelines. I was so happy to prove to everyone who’d counted him out that he’d raised a good one. Giving him something to brag about was my life’s mission.

  “What’s up, old man?” I pulled out the extra seat next to him.

  “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you again. You know how many times I quit college and how many student loans I racked up. I didn’t give two snips, though. I used that refund to provide us with a roof over our head and food in our mouths. Looking back, I’d say that it was all worth it.”

  My grandparents nodded and agreed. “Every other year, you were enrolling somewhere.” My grandmother chuckled.

  Their genes were dominant. I resembled my grandmother in her younger days so much that it was uncanny. However, I didn’t mind seeing how I’d age beforehand. She was simply the more mature version of myself, and she aged like fine wine.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. One time, he even found a community college that had a daycare. While he skipped class to work, you were taken care of.”

  “See. It all worked itself out.” My father grinned. “Whatever it took, I was willing to do.”

  “And look what came of it all.” My grandmother patted me on the knee before
grabbing my hand.

  I could feel the cash she had clutched in her palm, warming me up inside. She was the sweetest, and I loved gifts from her. They were the most thoughtful and most forgotten at the same time. She always gave me jumbo packs of socks that I always loved. Another gift of hers was pajamas, which I wore the threads loose on. There was a plethora of others that I wouldn’t think to gift anyone, but they surely came in handy.

  Thank you, I mouthed.

  “I need to use the ladies’ room. I will be back. Don’t order without me, guys!” I yelled to the remainder of my guests.

  My bladder felt as if it were about to burst at any minute. I stood from my seat and followed the restroom sign until I was pushing the door open and rushing into a stall. Luckily, the restroom was very clean and consumer friendly. I pulled a seat cover from the box and placed it beneath me as I sat.

  “Ahhhh.” The sensation that rushed through me as I released a stream of urine was inexplicable. After I was done, I handled my hygiene and exited the restroom. On the way out, I bumped into a budded chest, which caused me to stumble backward a bit.

  “My apology—” I started.

  “Gauge?” The unfamiliar tone caused me to inquire about its messenger.

  “Do I know you?” I questioned.

  “Yes.” Removing the shades from her face, I recognized the woman in question as my womb donor. She’d given me life and decided against being in mine. “I’m your mother.”

  “Na, you shouldn’t use that word so loosely. Try womb donor. I wouldn’t even call myself a mom if I was you.”

  “How long will you punish me for my past mistakes.”