All I Am--Drew's Story

by Jodi Ellen Malpas

  I cannot believe I’m taking advice on women from these two chumps. They are the worst example of how to get the woman you want. But one thing is for sure: I already have battle wounds. Some of them visible. Some of them not so much. I rub my forehead, trying to stem the building headache.

  I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. My next move is crucial. It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew where exactly I wanted to be. I’m forty this year, and I was content with all I am, what I have, where I was heading, until an intriguing young woman turned up at Hux and ground that all to shit. The only woman in my life to make me stop and think for a moment. Think about everything. Analyze everything. Damn her.

  I could ask her not to go, simple as that. Except it isn’t that simple. What would that mean? Commitment on my part? I laugh at the notion. I can’t give her that. The only female I’ve ever been committed to is seven years old and wears pigtails. Asking Raya to stay would mean telling her about Georgia. And introducing Georgia to a woman is out of the question unless that woman is guaranteed to be in my life forever, and that’s never guaranteed. Besides, that’s assuming Raya would want to meet her. She might run for the hills at the news that I have a daughter. Raya is twenty-four. I’m touching forty.

  I laugh out loud, prompting peculiar looks from Jesse and Sam. What am I thinking? Why am I even wasting time playing tug of war in my head? Raya’s leaving the country, and she seems quite content with that. Anyway, my personal life has no room for any female except Georgia. Back to reality.

  “Hey, boys.” Kate breezes into the bar, her vibrant red hair in a low ponytail over one shoulder. She has a customary smudge of frosting on her cheek that Sam makes quick work of licking away when she sits on his lap.

  “I need your help delivering a cake,” she tells him, taking the beer from his hand and setting it on the bar.

  “What do I get in return?” He grins, and Kate dips, whispering something in his ear. Then she stumbles from his lap, laughing when he shoots up and declares his departure. “Would love to stop and continue with the therapy session, but I’ve had a better offer.” Seizing Kate’s hand, he all but hauls her out of the bar.

  “Therapy session?” I say to his back, turning my moody glare onto Jesse when he chuckles. “What’s so fucking funny?”

  “Nothing, Drew. Absolutely nothing.” He picks up a text on his phone, and the glint in his green eyes, the glint that’s always there since he met his wife, reflects off the screen.

  “Ava?”

  “Ava,” he sighs, tapping out a quick reply. “Her parents are taking the kids out this weekend.” His eyebrows waggle cheekily, no doubt making plans for the alone time he’s going to get with the love of his life. For the first time I can remember, I’m envious of my friends’ contentment. Both Jesse and Sam are still head over heels, eight years later. I honestly never thought they would find women who could handle them. And now it’s just me. It never bothered me before now.

  “She’s too young for me anyhow.” I say to myself. “And Georgia is my priority. There’s no room in my life for much else.”

  Jesse smiles to himself knowingly. “You could leave Hux behind, because I’m damn sure that would leave a space to be filled.”

  “I like it, though. It’s easy. No commitment. No expectations. No drama.”

  “Yeah, because your life isn’t a soap opera right now, you twat.”

  I scoff. That will soon be resolved. Raya will be leaving when the house is sold and my life will be back to normal. All of this weird shit going on in my head. All these alien feelings. Gone.

  “Anyway, you sorry motherfucker.” Jesse slides off his stool and slaps my back. “I have to get home to my beautiful wife.”

  He strides out, and my phone rings. I sigh, answering Andrea. She sounds excited. “The lady, Annie Ryan, the woman who viewed the rundown Georgian in West London. Remember?”

  “Yeah.”

  “She loved it,” she declares happily. “Offer on the table and accepted.”

  “That’s great.”

  “And we have an offer on Raya Rivers’s place.”

  My grasp tightens around the tumbler on the bar. “That’s good.”

  “Full asking, too.”

  “Just like that?” The knife that’s been wedged in my side since I left Raya’s earlier twists. Harshly.

  “Have you put the offer to Miss Rivers?”

  “Straight away.”

  “And she accepted?”

  “Well, of course.” Andrea laughs, quite rightly since it’s a daft question. And the knife doesn’t just twist; the motherfucker plunges deeper. “The solicitor is already on it. Surveys arranged, contracts being drawn up.”

  How prompt. Anyone would think she’s desperate to leave. “Great. I’m on my way back.” I hang up, finish my beer, and drag myself out of the bar before I drown myself in alcohol. The few streets’ walk feels long, my legs heavy, my hands deep in my pockets.

  By the time I make it there, Andrea is getting ready to leave, and the rest of the office empty.

  “Are you okay?” she asks as she pulls on her coat.

  “Fine.” I smile curtly, my way of telling her she’s my employee, not my therapist, and usher her out. “See you tomorrow.” I put the door between us, then close my eyes and relish the silence. I drop to a seat and sink my head into my hands. Don’t think. Don’t think. Do not think about her, Drew.

  “Hello?”

  I look up and find a young woman by the door, laden with files and a laptop case, a slouchy leather bag slung over her body.

  “Can I help you?”

  Her green eyes take in my slumped form as she blows her dark hair from her face. “I’m here to drop off some paperwork for Andrea. My name’s Annie Ryan.”

  “You bought the Georgian apartment, right?”

  Her eyes sparkle excitedly. “That’s right.” She holds up some papers. “Andrea wanted me to sign these.”

  “I can take them.” I drag myself up with too much effort and accept the envelope.

  “Can I get a copy?”

  “Sure.” I motion to the soft seating by the door. “Take a seat.”

  “Thanks.” Her bags spills onto the seat, her arse dropping down soon after. “I haven’t stopped today.”

  I smile, small and tight, and make my way to the copier. I’ve not stopped either. Sulking. I set the papers on the glass and press a few buttons, resting my hands on the side of the machine while it does its job, falling into thought.

  Australia. Fucking Australia. She has no one and she’s moving to Australia. I pout to myself.

  “I think they’re done.”

  Looking over my shoulder, I see Annie Ryan pointing to the machine. “Oh, right.” I pull the papers out of the tray and hand her a copy.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, taking the paperwork.

  I look up at her, and I have no idea what comes over me, no idea at all, but all of a sudden I’m talking and it has nothing to do with property. She just has a warm, friendly face, one that’s inviting me to ask. “You’re a woman, right?”

  Her frown is deep. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “If you had plans to move out of the country and you met a man before you were leaving, what would you say if he asked you not to go?” The next thing, I’m sitting next to her, getting comfortable.

  Annie laughs, seeming a little uncomfortable. “I’m probably not the best person to ask. I don’t really do relationships.”

  I retract, surprised. She’s a beautiful woman, and from what I know she’s smart, too. Self-employed, ambitious, driven. “So you’ve never had that spark all these people talk about?”

  “Not even a sizzle.” She stands, collecting her things together, smiling as she does. “But it sounds like you have.”

  I laugh under my breath, joining her. What the hell am I doing? I’ve completely lost my mind. “I’m sorry.” The poor woman only came to drop off some paperwork. “Bet you’re glad you stopped by.”


  “Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.” Taking the door handle, she pauses a moment, and then looks over her shoulder. “I guess, if I ever did get that spark, I’d have to follow my heart.”

  “What if you don’t have a heart?”

  She laughs, her eyes sparkling. “You must have a heart, or you wouldn’t be in such a tangle.”

  I suddenly feel like a total tit. “I’m asking for a friend, of course.”

  “Of course.” She smiles knowingly.

  “It was nice meeting you, Annie. We’ll keep you up to date on the progress of the sale.”

  “Thanks. Hope your friend sorts out his little dilemma.”

  Little? I inwardly scoff.

  I see out Annie Ryan and lock the door, gazing around the empty space of the front office. I should get a grip. Next thing I know, I’ll be letting Georgia put me in one of her princess costumes. On a shake of my fuddled head, I head for my office, but I’ve barely put one foot in front of the other when a knock on the door behind me halts me. I frown, turning toward the door…and freeze.

  Raya stares at me through the glass, her face as straight as could be.

  Air inflates my lungs, the sight of her instigating prickles all over my skin. Just the sight of her. I haven’t heard her, touched her. But I want to. I shouldn’t, but I want to. Little dilemma? It’s laughable. I know the reasons for her sadness now; my questions have been answered, but my want for her hasn’t changed.

  For an age, we just stare through the glass at each other. If I open this door, I know what’s going to happen. I know I won’t be able to resist her this close. She came looking for me. What does she want, a parting gift? A good fuck before she disappears off on her travels and then makes a new life for herself in Australia? Falling further under her spell would be monumentally stupid. Tasting something, a personal favorite, knowing I’ll never get to ever again? No way.

  So why do I reach for the latch and pull the door open? It’s beyond me, and now there is nothing between us. No protection. No barrier. “What do you want, Raya?”

  She steps toward me tentatively, as if she’s questioning what she’s doing. And when she reaches me, her chest pressed to mine, she gazes up at me. “I don’t know.” Her eyes are wild and unsure. “But I know that every time we’re close, suddenly things are gray. I can’t figure you out. You’re warm and cold. I know what I’m scared of, but what are you scared of, Drew?”

  “You.” My mouth is on her before I can think better of it, and I’ve lifted her from her feet before my tongue breaches the seam on her lips. We should talk, but this is the only thing I know what to say right now, and when her arms circle my shoulders, her mouth opening up, inviting me in, I know she’s okay with it. I know she gets it.

  With one arm around her waist holding her to me and one secured on the nape of her neck, I walk to my office, my kiss deep, my blood racing, my heart bouncing off my ribcage. I set her on her feet and take the hem of her dress, pulling it up over her head, losing her lips for just a second in the process. And I lose the buttons on yet another shirt when she wrenches it open, her hands immediately finding my skin beneath. My forward steps encourage her backward, our kiss deepening as she unfastens my trousers and I push her knickers down her thighs.

  We’re all over the place, desperation getting the better of us, a mess of tongues, hands and bodies. I pull some strength from nowhere, seize her hands and break our kiss, breathing heavily. Her unsure brown eyes soon prompt me to start ridding myself of the rest of my clothes, all under her watchful gaze. Until I’m naked.

  “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” she whispers.

  “Yes it was,” I counter, picking her up and taking her to my chair. “What else did you think would happen if you came here, Raya?” I sit down and encourage her onto my lap.

  “I don’t know. Maybe you’d wrap me in chains and be all cold with me.”

  I can’t help it. I smile. I might have wrapped her in chains, but there was nothing cold about it. “Don’t think I won’t do that to you again. Up.” She rises on her knees, looking down between us as I take my cock, which is currently hard as iron, and guide it to her hungry pussy. “But for now I’m just going to make love to you.” She sinks down, taking both of our breaths in the process. My moan is carnal, her sigh is peaceful.

  Eyes fixed on me, she wedges her palms into my pecs and rolls her hips, sucking in a sharp hit of air as she does. My head falls back, but I keep her in view, blown away by the yearning on her face, her breasts beginning to bob as she works up her pace. I take my hands over my head and grip the back of the chair, letting the pleasure claim me. Letting her claim me. Her tempo is working us up slowly but steadily. So damn perfect. My heart is matching her rhythm perfectly, too, consistent and strong. She lowers toward me, ready to kiss me, but stops when I shake my head. “Let me look at you.” The vision is too amazing to give up, even for her mouth.

  I reach the edge, my hips beginning to flex upward into her, and her breath stutters, her hands starting to claw at my flesh. “There,” I whisper, watching her head go heavy, rolling on her neck. “There it is.” A rush of blood whips through me, and I brace myself for the hit.

  Her ragged exhale signals her climax, and I let my own release rip through me savagely, staring at Raya as we fight through the pleasure.

  She gasps, falling into my chest, the natural meld of her naked body into mine just fucking perfect. I rest my mouth on her neck and circle my arms around her shoulders, exhaling deeply as she sighs and burrows deeper into me. It feels so damn good.

  “Getting attached to someone wasn’t in my plan, Drew,” she murmurs, quiet and tentative. “Especially an older man who likes wrapping women up in chains. You were supposed to be cold and emotionless.”

  “I tried,” I admit. But Raya has a power over me that’s dictated a war between my sensible head and my closed heart. “And so were you,” I point out. “Seems we both failed. Why d’you think that is?”

  “You always find something when you’re not looking for it.”

  She isn’t wrong. I nuzzle her from my neck, pulling her face to mine. I cock my head, seeing that amazing shimmer in her eyes. Except this time it’s not forced. She’s becoming attached to me? Jesus, can a man be thrilled and scared at the same time? “You’re moving to the other side of the world, Raya.”

  I see utter confusion past her watery eyes. A struggle that I can relate to. “I know. And I’m mad to question my decision.”

  “Why?” I ask, trying to buy some time while I urgently figure out some of the shit in my head.

  “Because if you don’t have anyone, you can’t lose anyone.”

  I sag where I sit, my head about to explode. She could be more scared than I am. And I don’t know what to do to reassure her, especially since I’m trying to reassure myself.

  My phone chimes on the desk behind us, a text flashing up. Raya turns and looks down at the screen, as do I. Georgia’s name glows up at us.

  Can’t wait to see you x

  Oh fuck. It’s like the worst timing ever. I look at Raya, frozen. She stares at my phone until the screen times out and goes black. She thinks my little girl is someone else, and the disappointment on her face hurts. Right now, I could be strapped to a rotating wheel, a knife thrower with a terrible aim firing blades at me. And every one of the fuckers hits me. Bam, bam, bam!

  Raya laughs a little under her breath, lightly shaking her head, as if coming to her senses. She takes a breath and starts to break away from me, our skin peeling apart. “Take care, Drew.”

  Take care. It’s so final. She’s admitting defeat.

  “No.” I seize her, pinning her to me, not prepared to let her go.

  Though she fights me with all she has. “Get off, Drew. I’ve been made a fool of before. I’m not interested in going there again. I can’t sustain any more hurt. It’ll break me.”

  That fucking kills. “Raya, it’s not like that.”

  She laughs. “Oh my God, I’m so
stupid.” She gives up trying to escape and drops her head to my chest, hiding from me. “What was I thinking? You must think I’m so naive.”

  Rightly or wrongly, I take offense. I close my eyes to gather some patience. I’m desperate to tell her that Georgia isn’t who she thinks she is, yet I don’t even know where to start that conversation. I’m not even sure we should be having it at all, because then what will that mean for our future?

  “I don’t think you’re naive. It’s just a friend.” I breathe the words, desperate to reassure her, since I know trust is a major issue for her. It’s a little backward to say the least, since I’m lying, but the point is, Georgia really isn’t who she thinks she is.

  “A friend?” I see hope in her eyes again.

  “A friend,” I confirm. “Trust me, Raya, please.” And then I ask something I’ve never asked a woman before in my life. “Have dinner with me this weekend.” Between now and then, I need to find a way to tell her everything. That I’m a dad, about Coral, and the history.

  “Dinner?”

  “Yes, dinner,” I confirm. “It strikes me as unusual that we’ve fucked plenty of times, but we’ve never actually had dinner.”

  She pulls back, getting me in her sights. Her suppressed smile isn’t appreciated. She’s mocking me. “It strikes you as unusual?”

  I have never, not once, blushed in my life. But right now, I have forty years’ worth of them collecting on my cheeks. I sigh. “Will you have dinner with me or not?”

  “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” She bites her lip, gauging my reaction. I’m pretty sure I don’t disappoint her.

  My gawk must be fierce. “Tomorrow morning?” Jesus, she doesn’t hang around.

  “The house is sold, and my solicitor will take care of the final details.” Her eyes drop down to my naked chest. “There’s nothing here for me anymore,” she says quietly.

  “What if there was?” The words are out before I can’t think better of it, and her gaze darts back up to mine.

  “Are you telling me not to go?”

  I sag beneath her, so fucking exhausted by all this. “I don’t know, Raya. I honestly don’t know.”