Little Darlings

by Jacqueline Wilson

  ‘How are things at home?’ Lucy asks, trying another tack.

  ‘They’re fine too,’ I lie. ‘Please can I go and have my lunch now, Lucy?’

  I get away from her, unable to bear the thought of telling her that my dad’s walked out and my mum keeps crying and I don’t know what to do. She finds out anyway, because the head of the Infants has a word with Claudia. Poor Sweetie has wet herself in class and is terribly upset about it. They’ve put her in dry knickers and given her a little plastic carrier bag containing the wet ones. It’s like Sweetie’s banner of shame and she’s scarlet in the face. Ace is hot and flustered too – he’s been in a fight.

  ‘So I had to tell the teacher that things were . . . very disturbed . . . at home. I didn’t want Ace to get into trouble when it isn’t really his fault,’ says Claudia. ‘He’s just upset. I’m sure he didn’t really mean to bite that other little boy.’

  ‘Yes I did,’ says Ace. ‘I’m Tigerman and I go round biting all the bad people.’

  He roars and pretends to bite Sweetie. She’d normally simply give him a shove, but she shrinks away from him now, looking woebegone. I try to give her a cuddle, but she hunches up, thumb in her mouth. She kicks the bag with her wet knickers to the other side of the car.

  ‘Not near me! I don’t like smelly wet knickers!’ Ace yells meanly, because they’re inside the bag and don’t smell at all.

  Sweetie bursts into tears.

  ‘Don’t cry, Sweetie,’ I say. ‘Anyone can have an accident. Ace wets himself heaps of times, you know that.’

  ‘No I don’t!’ Ace roars.

  ‘He’s only little so it doesn’t count,’ Sweetie sobs mournfully.

  ‘Darling, it truly doesn’t matter,’ says Claudia. ‘Goodness, I’ve wet my wretched knickers in my time.’

  ‘But not in front of everyone,’ says Sweetie. ‘I didn’t even know it was going to happen. I was feeling sad because we were all talking about our daddies, and then whoosh, it just came out! They all saw because it made a puddle and they laughed at me. You won’t tell Mummy, will you, Claudia?’

  ‘Well, perhaps Mummy needs to know you’ve had an unhappy day, darling,’ says Claudia uneasily.

  We drive along the road towards our house. There are a couple of photographers waiting as Claudia struggles to get the car through the security gates. They click and flash at us through the windows, though Claudia shouts at them angrily. Ace pulls faces at them through the window but Sweetie shrinks away in terror.

  ‘They’ll see I’ve got the wrong knickers on! They’ll guess I’ve wet myself! Oh help me, help me, they’re looking!’ she whimpers.

  ‘Don’t be silly, Sweetie, they can’t possibly tell,’ I say, wondering what the paps are doing back outside our house. They haven’t waited there for years. Perhaps Dad’s come back and Mum was waiting on the doorstep with open arms, and they’ve photographed the reunion, and now Mum and Dad have fallen in love all over again and are already planning to renew their wedding vows?

  I don’t think so. There’s no sign of Dad indoors. Mum is up now, stamping around the house, closing all the curtains so the photographers can’t get any pictures with long-range cameras.

  ‘They know already,’ she says, calling them very rude names. She’s got a glass of wine in her hand, carrying it wherever she goes. She keeps spilling it and then refilling it. She gives Sweetie a kiss and ruffles Ace’s hair distractedly but barely listens when Claudia tells her about school.

  ‘Never mind, never mind. I’ve got more important things to worry about now,’ says Mum. ‘Take the children off for their tea, Claudia, for God’s sake. I’ve got a splitting headache.’

  ‘If you keep on drinking like that you’ll only make it worse,’ Claudia mutters as she drags Sweetie and Ace away upstairs for a wash.

  I go over to Mum, who’s now lying on the sofa, her hand over her eyes. I sit down on the sofa beside her.

  ‘Sunset! You’re pulling the cushion lopsided. Please go and have your tea.’

  ‘I could massage your poor head, Mum, and try to make it better. Look, like this.’ I touch her gently on the temple but she swats my hand away.

  ‘I know you mean well, Sunset, but for pity’s sake, leave me alone.’

  So I stand up and slope off. I notice a little torn-up scattering of newspaper in the corner. It’s just little bits so it’s impossible to piece together, but I know what to do now. Up in my room I google Dad’s name and the tabloid on my computer, and a photo of Dad flashes onto the screen – Dad and Big Mouth.

  Dad is wearing a ridiculous cowboy hat tipped at a silly angle. He’s got one hand up making a peace sign. His other arm is round Big Mouth’s shoulders. She’s staring up at him, her mouth very big and black in the photo. She’s wearing tiny shorts that wouldn’t even fit Sweetie, and very high heels. The caption reads: Danny Kilman and his new friend Lizzi Shaw leaving Beaches nightclub at 2 a.m. Danny and Lizzi met on the set of their new film Milky Star. Danny insists they’re just good mates – but they were seen getting very close and personal in the VIP section of Beaches earlier in the evening. Tut tut, Danny! Up to your old ways?

  I put my hand over Lizzi Big Mouth, blotting her out. I stare hard at Dad.

  ‘You can’t just go off with her, Dad,’ I whisper. ‘What about Mum and Sweetie and Ace and me?’

  Dad stares back, making his silly sign, tipping his hat, not caring. Is this it? Isn’t he ever coming back?

  It doesn’t look like it. He stays away all week. Every day when I Google the tabloids there are new pictures of Dad and Lizzi reeling out of different clubs and restaurants, climbing into cars, even buying bags of sweets and chocolates in a late-night shop like a pair of greedy children.

  Dear Destiny,

  I wonder if you’ve seen the photos of our father in the papers? It is so awful. He has gone off with this horrible actress, Lizzi. She is only eight years older than me. She is young enough to be Dad’s daughter too. No, she could be his GRAND-daughter. You should be glad Dad’s not part of your life. I hate him. But I also miss him. It’s so awful that he seems to have forgotten us altogether. Mum keeps crying, and don’t tell anyone but she’s drinking all the time too, and last night she was sick on the stairs. She told our housekeeper, Margaret, that it was Ace who’d been sick, which was really mean, but Margaret didn’t believe her and they had a big row.

  It is so horrible here now. Everyone is so cross and unhappy. Sweetie has all these wonderful new toys – a doll as big as herself and a shop with real sweets, but she doesn’t play with them much – and Ace keeps breaking all HIS toys.

  I’m too old for toys of course. Well, I did try to play with my doll’s house – you know, the one I keep in my wardrobe. I rearranged all the furniture and tried making new clothes for all the little teddies and people, but then I got fed up. What I mostly do now is write songs. They’re not very good – in fact they’re total rubbish, but I like doing it. There’s one sad one I think you might like. It’s called ‘In My Black Clothes’. I’ve written it out for you on a separate sheet. I copied you. I wear black clothes now. I hope you don’t mind.

  I do hope your concert went well. I wish I could have been there too. I am so glad you’re my sister.

  Love from Sunset

  Destiny wrote back to me immediately.

  Dear Sunset,

  I can’t believe Danny could do this. Mum says she’s sure it’s just a temporary mad fling and he’ll soon see he’s made a BIG mistake and come running back. Yes, we’ve seen the photos in the paper and can’t understand it. This Lizzi isn’t even very pretty. Your mum is heaps prettier (and if I’m saying this it must be true, because I’ve no reason to like your mum seeing as she was so rude to me and MY mum.)

  Mum says Danny is a family man at heart and wouldn’t ever walk out on you permanently. I said he didn’t mind walking out on US, but Mum says that’s not fair, he didn’t even know I existed until that day at the premiere of Milky Star. Well, he does now, and
yet he still doesn’t seem at ALL interested – quite the opposite in fact, so I hate him too sometimes. I think he’s MAD. Mum bought Hi! Magazine this week, and we’ve pored over it for hours. Danny and your mum look so HAPPY together. We can’t believe they can have split up so soon. We’ve worked it out – it must have been that very night. What a terrible thing to have happened on Sweetie’s birthday! We couldn’t believe the photos of all the presents, the huge doll and the shop, and Sweetie looked so lovely in her posh party dress. I wish there’d been more photos of YOU. You’re just on the edge in the family picture and I can’t spot you at all in the rest of the party photos. I’ll tell you something silly my mum did. She cut out a photo of me and stuck it beside you in the little gap on the sofa, like I was really part of the family too.

  I have been soooo worried about my mum. She got so thin and ill and was acting a bit crazy at times, but we’ve found out she’s got HYPERTHYROIDISM (I looked it up in a medical book in the library) and she’s been to the hospital to get her blood tested and now she’s on a special medication called THIONAMIDE and it’s going to make her better.

  I dedicated my song to her when I sang at the talent contest. The afternoon concert was a bit rubbish because the kids on the panel didn’t reckon me, but I WON the evening contest. And I don’t want to boast but I got four tens, the top mark!!!

  I’m enclosing a DVD of the concert. I’m right at the end. You might want to fast-forward lots of it, but the leader in the first act, the dark good-looking boy, he’s called Jack and he’s started to hang out with me. He comes calling for me in the morning and walks me through the estate to school, and then sometimes he comes back with me after school and I make him some tea and stuff. He’s not like a BOYFRIEND, just a friend. If you want to check out my worst enemy, watch out for the girl in shiny white leggings (yuck!) in the middle of the DVD, doing this weird acrobatic dance.

  I think you’re amazing writing your own songs!!! ‘In My Black Clothes’ is soooo good. I’ve learned all the words. Maybe I could sing it some day?!? I wouldn’t have the first idea how to write a song. You’ve obviously inherited Danny’s talent, though you probably won’t like me saying that just at the moment. I do hope things are back to normal when you get this letter. Mum sends her love to you, and like I said before, she says she’s sure Danny will come back soon.

  Love from Destiny xxx

  Dad comes back on Saturday afternoon, when he’s been gone exactly a week and we’ve broken up from school. Claudia’s out buying stuff at the offlicence for Mum. Sweetie hears his car outside and goes running to the door.

  ‘Daddy, Daddy, my Daddy!’ she cries.

  Mum runs to the door too, we all do, but when we see the car at the front of the driveway we stop. There’s Dad getting out, wearing that cowboy hat, already holding out his arms to Sweetie – but there’s someone else in the car. He’s brought Lizzi Big Mouth with him.

  Mum cries out, grabs Sweetie and Ace, pulls them inside and slams the front door shut. ‘How dare he bring her here again!’ she says.

  ‘Mummy, please, let me go to see Daddy!’ Sweetie says frantically.

  ‘No, absolutely not. I’m not having you kids contaminated by that little tramp,’ says Mum, and she bolts the door.

  It’s ridiculous: there’s Sweetie and Ace screaming to get out and Dad thumping on the door to get in. I’m shivering in the hallway, not sure what I want, just wishing we were a proper family again. I wouldn’t even mind if we were all pretending, the way we do for a photo shoot.

  It’s so silly anyway, because Dad simply strides right round the house to the back door by the kitchen and Margaret lets him in right away. So here he is, coming back up the hallway, and Mum can’t stop Sweetie and Ace running to him and giving him a huge hug, their arms and legs wrapped right round him like little monkeys. I hang back, but Dad looks over Sweetie’s shoulders and says, ‘How about a hug from my big girl?’ I burst into tears and rush to him too.

  All this time Mum is screaming, ‘Get out, get out, I’m not having that girl in my house!’

  ‘Whose house?’ says Dad. ‘My house, Suzy. Now get a grip – she’s not coming in, not just now. Stop the silly noise, you’re upsetting the kids.’

  ‘How dare you say that when you’re the one who’s broken their hearts, not coming to see them for a whole week.’

  ‘Well, I’m here now. Where’s the nanny? I want their little cases packed. I’m having them for the weekend. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, kids?’

  ‘No you don’t! You can’t just waltz in and whisk them off like this. I don’t even know where you’re staying.’

  ‘I’m at the Lane Hotel. I’ve got a suite. The kids will love it. Wait till you see the bathtub, Sweetie, it’s just like a swimming pool!’

  ‘Is she staying there too, that little tramp?’

  ‘Stop calling her names, Suzy, it’s pathetic. Yes, as a matter of fact she is staying there. So what?’

  ‘Then they’re not going, I won’t have it! What are you playing at, Danny? I’m your wife.’

  ‘Look, let’s not go into this now. I’m trying to think of what’s best for the children. I’m going to be renting a place soon, somewhere with a garden so the kids can run around – and we’re going to need to have serious talks about this house eventually.’

  ‘What? You’re trying to steal the children away – and now you’re taking the house?’

  ‘Let’s just take this one step at a time. We’ll get everything sorted fair and square. I’m perfectly willing to provide for you and the kids. I’ll be truly generous, no worries, but you know I’ve lost a lot of money because of the recession. Things will pick up once I get the new album launched—’

  ‘There isn’t going to be a new album! Your career’s over, you wizened old fool. You’re just a laughing stock now,’ Mum shouts.

  ‘Right, that’s it. I’m not hanging about to be insulted. Come on, kids. Never mind your stuff, we can always buy you new clothes. We’re going.’

  ‘Oh no you’re not! There’s guys with cameras outside. What will it look like, you dragging three screaming kids away from their mother – you with your Mr Nice Guy Family Man image nowadays. What would your precious Rose-May say to that?’

  ‘Look, Suzy, grow up. What’s the point of making this so ugly? See what you’re doing to the kids? You’d better watch it. You’ve clearly had a drink or two – or ten. If you don’t clean up your act you’ll find I’ll fight you for custody of the kids. I’ve got myself a very good lawyer. You’d better start cooperating. The kids are coming with me now, and if you have hysterics in front of the paps you’ll simply be helping my case. I’ll bring them back tomorrow afternoon. Come on now, kids.’

  He lifts Sweetie in one arm, Ace in the other, and starts walking.

  ‘Don’t you go too, Sunset,’ Mum says, hanging onto me.

  I hover helplessly, not knowing what to do. My heart’s pounding and I feel sick. Mum’s asked me to stay, she needs me – but Sweetie and Ace need me too. Dad doesn’t have a clue how to look after children. They won’t be able to manage without me.

  ‘I’ll have to go, Mum. Don’t worry, I’ll look after Sweetie and Ace,’ I say. ‘I’m not taking sides, I love you both. Please don’t be cross with me, Mum . . .’

  But she turns away from me and won’t say goodbye to any of us, not even Sweetie.

  Then we’re bundled into the back of the car and we hurtle out of the gates, Dad telling us to duck down. He laughs as he speeds away, waving his cowboy hat and then plonking it on Lizzi Big Mouth’s head. She laughs with him and then looks round at us.

  ‘Hey, kids!’ she says, waving her fingers in the air.

  We stare at her. We don’t wave back.

  ‘Who are you?’ Sweetie asks indistinctly, her thumb in her mouth.

  ‘I’m Lizzi, sweetheart. I’m your dad’s girlfriend,’ she says.

  ‘I’m Sweetie, not sweetheart. And I’m Daddy’s girlfriend,’ says Sweetie.
r />   Dad roars with laughter. Lizzi Big Mouth laughs too, her horrible lips wide open, as if she could swallow us up in one gulp.

  ‘You’re my little sweetheart, Sweetie. Liz can be my big one,’ says Dad.

  ‘What about Sunset?’ says Sweetie. ‘She’s your big girl, not her.’

  ‘Oi, little Miss Sulky Chops, I’m not her, I’m Lizzi,’ she says. She pulls a face at Sweetie, then raises her eyebrows at me.

  ‘Hi, Sunset. You were very kind to my little niece – unlike some members of your family. Thanks for giving her that panda. It was sweet of you.’

  I don’t want her to feel I’m sweet. I don’t reply. I hold Sweetie’s hand and Ace’s grubby paw in solidarity. Ace shuffles nearer to me.

  ‘I don’t like her,’ he whispers, not quietly enough.

  I don’t either, I mouth.

  ‘I’m Tigerman and I’m going to bite her,’ he says. Then he looks down at himself, stricken. ‘I want my Tigerman costume!’

  ‘Oh, Dad, Ace needs his Tigerman outfit. He’ll never settle without it. Can we go back for it?’ I say.

  ‘Don’t be silly, Sunset.’

  ‘But it’ll only take five minutes—’

  ‘I’m not going through all that palaver with the paps and your mother screaming her head off. I’ve told you, we’ll stop off somewhere and buy you all new clothes, OK? And stop taking that tone with Liz, all of you. I want you to be very, very nice to her, because she’s a very, very nice girl, OK?’

  Of course it isn’t OK. She’s not the slightest bit nice. She’s stolen our dad and she doesn’t seem to care. Ace starts crying and Sweetie starts fidgeting. I hope she’s not going to wet herself again. I’m starting to feel horribly sick. One way or another it seems likely we’re going to make a mess of Dad’s upholstery.

  He drives us to Harrods again, trying to turn it into a treat. At least we can all go to the bathroom. Lizzi Big Mouth comes into the ladies’ with us. She doesn’t try to supervise Ace or Sweetie. She just stares at herself in the mirror and applies another shiny dark coat of lipstick to her big mouth.

  ‘You wear too much lipstick,’ says Sweetie.