This Quest is Broken! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 1)

by J. P. Valentine

  But here she was, crying alone in an empty field. It wasn’t a game. It wasn’t a grand adventure to save the world. It wasn’t even a worthwhile adversary. A couple of goblins was all it took, and for all her training and all her confidence, there was nothing Alex could’ve done about it.

  The sky glowed red with the setting sun by the time she finally stood.

  As Alexandra Reeve took her first steps on the long walk back home, a single thought drove her forward. It kept her going as she fought with the guild to claim what pay she could for the failed dungeon, as she spent her final coin replacing the lost spear, and as her finances forced her to once again sign up at the guild to be paired with a new team.

  Next time there’d be something she could do about it.

  Next time, she wouldn’t run.

  * * *

  The air itself broke apart. A jagged crack ran from the vaulted ceiling to the stone floor, spewing frost into the ritual chamber. Eve took a step back. “I don’t have the Mana for another fight.”

  Wes nodded in agreement.

  Preston snatched his pack off the ground, digging through it in search of the relevant potions. Alex stood at his side, reaching in to withdraw one for herself.

  The crack widened.

  Eve took a step back, her heel colliding with the stone altar behind her. Shifting silhouettes appeared on the other side of the growing portal, outlines of horns and teeth and claws she’d sooner forget than engage in combat.

  The crack widened.

  “I don’t know about this,” Wes said, shouldering his own pack.

  The crack widened.

  Eve got her first good glimpse of the veritable horde within. They were each over eight feet tall, their flesh a haphazard collection of rough stones bound together by a layer of dark ice. Their eyes glowed blue.

  The crack widened.

  Level ?? Lithodemon

  Level ?? Lithodemon

  Level ?? Lithodemon

  Level ?? Lithodemon

  Four Appraises was enough for Eve.

  “Run!”

  They ran.

  Wes was the first to heed her call, picking one from the array of doorways and dashing for it.

  Eve lingered for a moment to make sure Alex and Preston made it in after him before following herself. With her supernatural speed, she would always catch up, and there was no point in running ahead. Her efforts would be better spent helping anyone who fell behind.

  Wes’s staff came alight as they ran, his flames lighting the way through the dark tunnel.

  The cavern shook as howls rang out behind them.

  Preston stumbled, but Eve was there to support him as he regained his footing. She took the opportunity to look back.

  The demons were coming.

  They ran on all fours, like the twisted amalgam of man and beast and golem they were. Their icy claws scraped against the stone with every bounding step, forming a dissonant chorus of ice and rock to join their terrible snarls.

  Fear welled in the depths of Eve’s stomach, not for herself but for her companions. She could outrun the high-level demons. Her friends couldn’t.

  They came in droves. Only three could fit abreast along the tunnel’s floor, so the monstrosities found space along the walls and ceiling, digging into the stone as they charged. It painted a horrifying picture as the horde seemed to devour the passage itself.

  At least the path ahead held some hope. Its straight and upward slope didn’t escape Eve’s attention. This tunnel they’d chosen had to lead somewhere, and she could only hope that somewhere was outside. She tried not to think about the fact the demons could just follow them out. It wasn’t like there was much she could do about it.

  Alex had a similar thought.

  Eve noticed the warrior lift a leather pouch to her mouth, downing the potion as she continued to run.

  The demons drew nearer, their howls more ravenous, their clawing louder.

  They weren’t going to make it.

  Eve’s mind raced as she fled, deliberately slowing herself to keep pace with her companions. There had to be something she could do. She considered carrying them like she’d once carried Wes, but she had more companions than she had arms. She mentally reread each of her abilities, desperately brainstorming for some combination that could stop the coming horde.

  She found none.

  The cavern grew brighter as the ethereal white glow of raw Mana filled the air. Eve scowled. She hadn’t eaten anything. Hells, with all the running her Mana pool should’ve been shrinking. A quick scan of her status screen confirmed it was.

  It took Alex stopping short in the tunnel’s center for Eve to realize what was going on.

  That was no Stamina potion the Survivor had swiped from Preston’s supply.

  The web of lines along Alex’s right hand shone with blinding brilliance as she clutched her spear.

  Eve froze. “What are you doing?!”

  The Burendian Mana core in the warrior’s spear glowed brighter than it ever had. The weapon vibrated with energy as Alex pushed it well beyond its capacity. “You can’t outrun them!” she called back.

  Eve’s heart froze. She ran back to stand at Alex’s side. “And you can’t fight them!”

  The warrior’s face hardened, determination sharpening her jaw. “I don’t have to.”

  “Alex, you can’t—”

  Alex snapped, “I’m not running. Not again.” She held up her spear, its enchantments already growing unstable. “Remember the Burendian sentry golem?”

  The demons grew closer.

  “Alex, no!”

  “This isn’t just about us. How many people will they kill if they get out of here? We have to do something.”

  Eve’s stomach sank. “Not this.”

  Alex swallowed. “I’m not running,” she repeated. Her eyes flashed blue as a notification appeared.

  Eve knew she’d lost the moment she glimpsed the message’s reflection.

  Life Quest Complete: Prove Your Valor.

  “Alex, I—”

  The howls rang louder.

  “Run!” Alex barked.

  Eve ran.

  Her Haste carried her away from the lone Survivor even as the tears began to fall. She couldn’t look back as Alex slammed her spear tip into the stone wall. The weapon snapped.

  Eve Charged forward as the explosion shook the very ground beneath her. Only Surefooted kept her on her feet as the first of the rocks began to fall.

  She caught up with Preston first, snatching him off his feet to carry him under her arm. She grabbed Wes in similar fashion moments later.

  With a companion under each arm, Eve shot through the cavern, stone and dirt collapsing behind her. The last of the howls fell silent long before the earth finally stilled.

  Eve released Wes and Preston with a shaky breath, all three adventurers turning to look back the way they’d come at once. A wall of stone greeted them.

  “Did—um—” Preston stammered, “did Alex just…”

  “She did.” Eve gulped. “Brought the cavern down on top of herself to stop the demons getting out.”

  “Gods below,” Wes cursed. “Do you think she could’ve—I mean—she’s a Survivor, right?”

  “I don’t—I can’t imagine she—” Eve sighed. “I don’t know, Wes. It doesn’t seem likely. I mean…” She trailed off, gesturing to the mass of rubble before them.

  “Shit.”

  “We knew what we were getting into,” Eve murmured. “Adventurers are good at two things: drinking and dying.”

  The guardswoman’s words cut through them. They all remembered how she’d directed them to the graveyard upon their arrival at Foot’s Garrison. The thought didn’t help.

  Eve exhaled, fighting back the tightening of her throat. Silence dominated the stale air as she turned her gaze ahead, squinting down the passage ahead. They weren’t home yet.

  “Wait,” she said, “do you guys see that?”

  Wes and Preston follow
ed her gesture, nodding along as they confirmed the sight.

  There, in the distance, beyond an untellable distance of gloom, a glimmer of autumn sun shined in. However dark and twisted and hopeless their journey there may have been, at least this tunnel in particular had a light at the end.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  The Wrong End

  THREE ADVENTURERS WALKED together down a dark tunnel, each wrapped deep in their own thoughts as they processed in silent solemnity. Eve kept her face stoic. She could appreciate the irony of the Survivor being the first to die, whether or not her companions still held out hope.

  Even if Alex had lived through the initial cave-in, no number of survival skills could keep someone alive long trapped beneath a thousand tons of stone. Eve shuddered. She’d rather die outright than slowly suffocate under a mountain of rubble.

  She wondered, as they followed the gentle slope up to the distant light of the cave’s mouth, what she would do next. Maybe she’d take a break. It’d been some time since she’d been home to Nowherested, and Eve could certainly use some of her mother’s cocoa right about now.

  Continuing as an adventurer would mean heading back to Foot’s Garrison, selling the dungeon core and other loot, collecting the measly fee for the job itself, and making the trek all the way to Lynthia to find a new tank. Replacing Alex felt hollow, wrong somehow. Eve swallowed. A break sounded good.

  It was shortly after coming to the decision that Eve noticed something off about the light to which they walked. It was unfiltered. There was a purity to the orange glow, a certain crispness devoid of the mottled shadows of a forest canopy.

  Eve squinted. “Do you… see any trees?”

  “No?” Wes shrugged. “So this exit’s in a clearing. Or a bit farther into the mountains. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find our way back; south is south, after all.”

  “Right,” Eve said, allowing the conversation to go quiet once more. She had known this wasn’t the way they’d come in; it was only a question of exactly how far they’d traveled in the maze of passages. She hoped it wasn’t too far.

  Her concern only grew as they traveled closer and closer to the opening. From her vantage lower in the sloping tunnel, Eve could see no trees, no stone, no features of any kind. Only late afternoon sky filled the mouth ahead. It wasn’t until they finally arrived that she realized why.

  It was gods-damned high.

  Or at least, Eve assumed they were high up. The exit spat them out upon a wide stone landing overlooking a sea of clouds. To her left a narrow stairway carved into the rock descended into the mists, but all other directions held only more of the same sheer cliff face.

  The clouds themselves weren’t quite right. She gazed across not the fluffy white of a spring day nor the gloomy gray of a summer storm, but a dirty pale brown. If she stared too long, they even seemed to pick up a hint of sickly green, a color no self-respecting cloud should ever be.

  None of the land below revealed itself through the obscuring blanket, leaving Eve to wonder where exactly they’d found themselves.

  Preston had an idea.

  “Ayla’s bloody tits,” he cursed to himself.

  Wes’s face fell. “What’s wrong?”

  “We’re fucked is what’s wrong,” the Priestess replied. “These are the dead fields.”

  Eve furrowed her brow. “What does that mean?”

  “It means we’re on the northern side of the gods-damned mountains.” Preston’s voice shook. “We’ve come out the wrong end.”

  “So we’ll find a way back over. There’s gotta be a pass around here somewhere.” Eve gestured down the ragged stairway. “The path seems pretty clear.”

  “You don’t understand,” Preston said. “You ever wonder why the adventurer’s guild has a tier four working the front desk? Because once you get to the high eighties, your options are either retire or come here.”

  Eve gulped. “Okay. Okay. Um… alright. So we’re lost in a place way higher level than we are. Got it. The good news is you both have class promotions pending.”

  Wes’s eyes lit up. “You know, I’d forgotten about that.”

  Eve snorted. “No you didn’t. You’ve spent this entire time daydreaming about how cool your Epic is gonna be. Your probably dangerous, going-to-drive-you-insane Epic.”

  “Actually,” Preston spoke up, “I think he should take it. We’re gonna need all the power we can get. Wes’s class driving him mad won’t be a problem if none of us survive to make it home anyway.”

  Eve sighed. “You may be right.” She rounded on Wes. “You’d better tell me if the whispers are getting to you.”

  He held up his hands. “I promise you, I will do my absolute best to avoid, you know, going insane.”

  “Okay,” Eve exhaled. “So we’ve got our Disciple of the Devouring Flame.” She turned towards Preston. “What about you?”

  The healer shrugged. “No Epics, but I’ve got a Rare: Caretaker of Ayla. Something to do with animals. Thank you, Regi.” He reached into his sleeve to caress the baby drake.

  Wes snorted. “So you’re a veterinarian now?”

  “Hey, it beats being a Priestess.”

  Eve held up two silencing hands. “Alright, you two. Let’s just go ahead and accept the upgrades. I’ll lookout.” She tried not to think about keeping watch over Alex in the Burendian ruin while she’d slept through her promotion to Survivor.

  Preston nodded, setting out his pack as a pillow as he lay on the hard stone.

  Wes lingered for a moment, watching the healer’s eyes turn blue and then shut entirely as sleep took him. The mage exhaled. “Do you—um—” he started, “do you still have that chess piece the man of the mists gave you?”

  Eve cocked an eyebrow at him as she reached into her pocket to withdraw the ivory knight. “Right here, why?”

  “I found this in that cult leader’s pocket.”

  Eve cursed as she gazed upon the item in Wes’s hand. A bishop. It was the same snowy white, bore the same simple yet stylized carving, and released the same wafting tendrils of cool fog.

  Wes handed it to her. “What does it mean?”

  Eve turned the matching chess pieces over in her hand. “I don’t know. Either Melithor was another potential recruit, or the man of the mists intended me to fight him and find this.”

  “So it’s a test? Maybe you have to find a whole set’s worth of pieces?”

  “I don’t know,” she repeated. “Maybe.” She shook her head, pocketing the knight and bishop. “I don’t think I’d want to work for someone who recruits cultists. Or someone who puts together a bunch of cryptic puzzles for that matter.” She shrugged. “We can worry about it later. Mysterious job offers don’t mean shit if we all die to some high-level monster.”

  Wes nodded, stepping around to lie at Preston’s side. “We’re going to get out of this,” he said as his eyes flashed blue with a status screen. “Just you wait.”

  Eve looked on with soft eyes and a hesitant grin as Wes too fell into a deep slumber. She breathed. The air was fresh on the mountainside, though she suspected that wouldn’t last as they descended into the haze below. She’d have to enjoy it while she could.

  It was only then, once the rhythmic snores of her companions left Eve in the comfort of solitude, that the tears finally came. She cried for the desperation of their situation. She cried for the wall of stone between her and the comforts of home. She cried for Alex.

  The grief struck in waves, each passing with the mirage of solace before crashing against her anew. She’d only known the warrior a few weeks, and never well at that. Still she wept. How could there be joy and hope and laughter anymore? Alex was gone and with her the carefree world they’d all thus far enjoyed. Any one of them could be next.

  Eve didn’t let herself hold out hope. It was better this way, she told herself, better to face the grief now than to hide behind a bulwark of prayer that the Survivor might’ve done just that. Still she wept.

  Only as the hour
s dragged on and the autumn sun dipped low upon the horizon, did Eve finally look up from her grief to marvel at the painting before her. Yellows and reds and pinks danced through the sky, twirling and blending with an artistry only the heavens could hope to match. The clouds beneath glowed orange with the fading sunlight, as if a sea of flame had come to cleanse the blanket of filth once and for all.

  Eve smiled.

  It was a weary thing, weak and wet with tears, but in that moment, it was everything. For all the death and danger and general terribleness her bullshit life quest had set upon her, she could still appreciate the unearthly beauty of a sunset on a clear night.

  And then she saw it.

  A dark shape darted in and out of the sunlit haze, distant enough to be no more than a silhouette, but large enough to catch her notice from so far away. Eve squinted. Out of some combination of curiosity, boredom, and a need to confirm this place truly was as dangerous as Preston believed, she Appraised it.

  Her eyes flashed blue and her jaw dropped open. She Appraised it again. The result was the same. Eve thought back to all the beasts she’d seen thus far. The drake, the golem, hells, even the lithodemons had all displayed with two question marks in place of their level. She reread the unsightly azure screen before her.

  Level ??? Ironclaw Griffin

  Eve’s imagination ran wild as she envisioned what other sorts of monstrosity may lurk beneath the layer of clouds, what manner of beasts even a tier four might fear. She cursed. No matter how she thought and rethought through their situation, a single conclusion bubbled up again and again.

  “Preston’s right,” she muttered to herself, “we are fucked.”

  STATUS

  EVELIA GREENE

  Manaheart

  Level 38 Shatterfate Striker

  Exp: 12715/25311

  Health: 720/720

  Stamina: 0/0

  Mana: 2850/2850