Sometimes entire cultures are held hostage by a downward cycle of spin and posturing. This diminishes trust and creates an additional “withholding tax” where people withhold information and keep things “close to the vest.” As a result, companies often have three meetings instead of one: the premeetings (to prepare and position), the meetings themselves (where, because of all the spin and withholding, very little discussion of the real issues take place), and then the “meetings after the meetings” (the smaller meetings where the real discussion happens and the real issues are aired).
When a culture is caught up in a downward cycle of spin and withholding, it requires great courage to Talk Straight. Perhaps you remember the Hans Christian Andersen story “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” An emperor is sucked into a scheme by two charlatans who claim they can weave a magical cloth that is invisible to all who are either stupid or unfit for their positions. Not wanting to appear stupid or unfit, everyone who comes to see the cloth (including the emperor) praises its excellence. Soon—despite the obvious—everyone gets caught up in spinning and flattering and following the “company line.”
When the emperor finally wears the “clothes” made out of this cloth in a public processional, all the people lining the streets begin to “oooh” and “ahhh.” But finally, one little child says, “But he doesn’t have anything on!” As the people realize the truth, they all begin to shout, “But he doesn’t have anything on!”
When people do have the courage to stop the cycle of spin and Talk Straight instead, amazing things happen. Communication is clear. Meetings are few, brief, and to the point. Trust increases. Speed goes up. Cost goes down.
WHEN TALK STRAIGHT IS TAKEN TOO FAR
Like all of the other behaviors, Talk Straight can be taken too far. I knew one leader who, in the name of talking straight, justified cruel, brutal communication. Either he didn’t recognize the harmful impact his approach was having on others and on trust, or else he recognized it and did it anyway—and in this case, his “straight talk” became an extreme weakness.
While straight talk is vital to establishing trust, in most situations, it needs to be tempered by skill, tact, and good judgment. I had this point burned indelibly into my own mind one time when our family was on a vacation at the beach and I decided to go for a swim. When I took off my shirt, my then three-year-old daughter Arden looked at me and exclaimed, “Whoa, Daddy! You have a big tummy!” Unfortunately, that was straight talk—but it was not tempered by any tact or consideration whatsoever!
These simple examples affirm how the behaviors need to balance each other out, and how the 4 Cores provide the judgment that will keep you on the “sweet spot” of the bell curve. When you blend courage (Integrity) with an agenda that is truly mutual benefit (Intent), with the ability to address situations directly (Capabilities), and a focus on building trust (Results), you have the discernment that enables you to Talk Straight in a way that significantly increases trust.
TALKING STRAIGHT AT HOME
Talk Straight is important not only in organizational life, but in personal and family relationships, as well. Particularly in such close relationships, it is often helpful to preface your discussions by declaring your intent—especially if you have difficult things to say or to hear.
Good examples of talking straight in homes include:
• A parent who is appropriately straightforward and clear in teaching or helping a child, even in dealing with difficult topics, such as drug abuse, choosing friends, or sex.
• Couples who kindly but clearly express their thoughts and feelings to each other and work toward win-win solutions, even in dealing with difficult topics such as child discipline, in-laws, or money.
• Family members who take the responsibility to say, “Hey, I’ve done something here I’d like you to notice” instead of feeling belittled and victimized or accusing others of being insensitive or uncaring.
As you think about Talk Straight, think about the powerful difference it could make in your relationships with the most important people in your life.
TRUST TIPS
When you put Talk Straight on the bell curve, you will notice that behaviors on the left—which represent not talking straight enough—might typically be caused by Integrity issues (a lack of courage), Intent issues (a self-focused agenda—you care more about avoiding discomfort than acting in someone’s best interest), Capability issues (a lack of verbal or interpersonal skills), or Results issues (a failure to focus on outcomes that build trust). Obviously, behaviors on the left side of the curve will not maximize moments of trust.
But neither will excessive behaviors on the right. This is where you find examples like the ones I mentioned under “When Talk Straight Is Taken Too Far.” It would also include the married couple who go to counseling to learn how to be more skilled communicators, only to come out better fighters. Or the person who, in the name of “straight talk,” constantly bad-mouths and puts down others behind their backs. Excessive behaviors such as these also reflect the 4 Cores issues—perhaps a lack of humility (Integrity) or caring (Intent), or an overbearing style (Capabilities), or insensitivity to the consequences (Results).
Again, the key to optimization is to make sure that each behavior is at its highest point of connection with the 4 Cores. This will maximize judgment in applying the behavior and ensure alignment with the principles that govern trusting relationships. As a result, it will enable you to create the biggest trust dividends and avoid trust tax.
Following are a few suggestions for improving in your ability to Talk Straight:
• Ask yourself: What keeps me from talking straight? Is it fear of the consequences? Fear of pain? Fear of being wrong? Fear of hurting others’ feelings? Is it a desire for popularity? A lack of courage? The challenge of living or working in an environment where people don’t Talk Straight? Identify the dividends of being honest and straightforward and the cost when you’re not. Then work to strengthen your 4 Cores and your ability to Talk Straight.
• Become aware of your conversation. In the middle of an interaction, stop and ask yourself, Am I talking straight—or am I spinning? If you’re spinning, figure out why, recognize you’re paying a tax for it, and work on Integrity and Intent.
• Learn to get to your point quickly. Avoid long prologues and giving excessive context. Recognize that in most cases, “less” is “more.” In the legal world vernacular, “If you’re explaining, you’re losing.” The personal discipline of talking straight helps create a precision of language, an economy of words, and a lack of spin.
Though I won’t list it in every behavior, I have one more suggestion I believe is good to keep in mind with them all:
• Involve other people. Tell them, “I’m really trying to improve my ability to Talk Straight in my communications with others. Would you be willing to help me by giving me feedback to let me know how I’m doing in my relationship with you?”
Involving others will do two important things:
First, it will make it easier for you to change. By enlisting others in your growth and development, you transform a culture that typically resists change to one that encourages it.
Second, it will enable you to better see your current situation and your progress. When it comes to our own behavior, we often have “blind spots”—things that we can’t see but others can. Getting feedback helps us see those blind spots.
If you do decide to involve others, however, you need to be aware that you will be held to a higher standard. By engaging others in your efforts to improve, you raise their expectations. If you don’t follow through, you’ll definitely be making withdrawals. But if you do follow through, this is another great way to build trust.
SUMMARY: BEHAVIOR #1—TALK STRAIGHT
Be honest. Tell the truth. Let people know where you stand. Use simple language. Call things what they are. Demonstrate integrity. Don’t manipulate people or distort facts. Don’t spin the truth. Don’t leave false impressions.
BEHAVIOR #2: DEMONSTRATE RESPECT
You can judge a person’s character by the way he treats people who can’t help him or hurt him.
—ANONYMOUS
Synovus Financial was named the most reputable bank in the U.S. in 2017—and had the highest score in the history of the “Survey of Bank Reputations” conducted by the Reputation Institute. Their long-time former chairman and CEO, James Blanchard, shared what he believed was the main reason why the company—and others like it—are able to succeed in the marketplace and to be such great places to work:
There’s a common thread that runs through those very few organizations who are just busting out on top all the time. They’re meeting and exceeding their goals. They’re realizing their visions and aspirations. They’re always over and above their expectations . . . . And yet this group of robust, energized, enthusiastic, continually successful organizations, they seem to have a secret. And frankly, we have studied it, we have gone to school, we have consulted, we’ve done everything we can to try and find that formula that says, “We’ll be one of these in this very small, select group that seems to achieve perpetual success.”
The secret, the clue, the common thread is simply how you treat folks. It’s how you treat your fellow man, and how you treat your team members and how you treat your customers, your regulators, your general public, your audiences, your communities. How you value the worth of an individual, how you bring the human factor into real importance and not just a statement you make in your annual report.
Behavior #2 is Demonstrate Respect. There are two critical dimensions to this behavior—first, to behave in ways that show fundamental respect for people, and second, to behave in ways that demonstrate caring and concern. In many cultures—particularly Eastern cultures—this behavior is highly valued as evidence of a person’s good upbringing. As a result, the casualness of much of the West is considered by some to be abrasive or rude. Understanding a cultural difference such as this becomes critically important in seeking to build Trust Accounts in today’s global economy.
Demonstrate Respect is based on the principles of respect, fairness, kindness, love, and civility. The overarching principle, however, is the intrinsic worth of individuals—the importance of each human being as a part of the human family. This behavior is the Golden Rule in action—a rule that is actually recognized by almost every culture and religion worldwide. Consider the following examples:
Christianity:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Judaism:
“What you hate, do not do to anyone.”
Islam:
“No one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”
Hinduism:
“Do nothing to thy neighbor which thou wouldst not have him do to thee.”
Buddhism:
“Hurt not others with that which pains thyself.”
Sikhism:
“Treat others as you would be treated yourself.”
Confucianism:
“What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.”
Aristotle:
“We should behave to our friends as we wish our friends to behave to us.”
Plato:
“May I do to others as I would that they should do unto me.”
The opposite of Demonstrate Respect is to not respect other people. This is commonly experienced as showing disrespect, which is a huge issue, both at work and at home. The opposite also includes not showing people you care—either because you really don’t care, or because you don’t know how or don’t take the time to do it.
The counterfeit of Demonstrate Respect is to fake respect or concern, or, most insidious of all, to show respect and concern for some (those who can do something for you), but not for all (those who can’t). This incongruence is becoming known as the “Waiter Rule.” It’s based on the idea that you can learn a lot about a person by the way he or she treats the waiter in a restaurant. Former Sara Lee CEO Brenda Barnes—herself a onetime waitress—said, “Sitting in the chair of CEO makes me no better of a person than the forklift operator in our plant. If you treat the waiter, or a subordinate, like garbage, guess what? Are they going to give it their all? I don’t think so.”
I try to treat people as human beings . . . . If they know you care, it brings out the best in them.
—SIR RICHARD BRANSON, FOUNDER AND CHAIRMAN, THE VIRGIN GROUP
I particularly like the story of the business student who did well on her final exam until she came to the last question: “What is the name of the person who cleans your dorm?” She was incredulous. How could she be expected to know the answer to that? And what in the world did it have to do with her business degree? Finally, she asked the professor if the question really counted on their final grade. “Indeed it does!” he replied. “Most of you dream about being the president and CEO of a successful company. But success is a team effort. A good leader takes nothing for granted and recognizes the contributions made by everyone on the team—even those people who appear to do the most insignificant jobs.”
On the job, problems such as discrimination and sexual harassment have elevated respect to a major focus of organizational excellence, both as the right thing to do and as a better way of doing business. The Great Place to Work Institute, which partners with Fortune magazine to produce the 100 Best Companies list, names respect as one of the three pillars of trust in organizations. Sirota Survey Intelligence recognizes respect as one of the key defining characteristics of superhigh morale organizations and observes that in these top 10 percent of organizations, lower-level employees are treated the same as senior managers. Many employers are taking action to at least ensure compliance with respectful behavior. The real opportunity, of course, is to move beyond compliance and into people’s minds and hearts.
THE LITTLE THINGS
Demonstrate Respect is a clear example of the disproportionate impact of the “little things” in building Trust Accounts. I remember what it meant to my executive assistant one time when I visited her mother in the hospital. This was just a little thing, but to my assistant it was a demonstration that I cared, and it really meant a lot to her that I would do that. Her response was similar to that of our client in Texas to whom my colleague sent an e-mail during a hurricane evacuation. As the expression goes, “There are no little things.”
One of our workshop participants who served as executive assistant to the president of a university for about ten years shared the following experience:
One afternoon, we were preparing for a special dinner in the president’s home. The following day was commencement, and that night we were hosting a dinner for major donors to the university and the honorary doctorate recipient, a prominent government official from Latin America.
As we were setting up the tables, a delivery of beautiful floral centerpieces arrived, obviously ordered by the university development office. The wife of our university president came over to him in a dither and said, “We have a problem.” She held up a plain-looking margarine tub containing violets from the garden. As it turned out, Lola—an older woman from Europe who had been their housekeeper for many years—had already prepared the “centerpieces” for the event.
The president looked at his wife and said, “No, we don’t have a problem. Just send back the flowers to the florist. We’ll use the centerpieces Lola made.”
That was a hugely defining moment for me. It taught me that no matter how small a contribution is to an activity or to an effort, that contribution needs to be honored and respected.
Just think about the deposit this “little” demonstration of concern and respect made in the housekeeper’s account. And think about the geometric impact it had on the Trust Accounts this university president had with everyone involved, including the staff, the guests, the people who worked in the university development office, and our workshop participant. In fact, I’m sure that everyone with whom
she has shared this story (including me) has been influenced by this moment of trust. And it hasn’t stopped there. After sharing this experience at the workshop, this woman went on to tell us of ways in which she has integrated the learning of this moment in her current job (which is totally unrelated to the university), and the effect it’s had on the Trust Accounts she has with the people with whom she currently works.
Just think of the trust that was created as a result of that one defining moment!
Several years ago, my team and I had the privilege of working with Lenovo’s executive team when they were in the throes of merging three cultures, or “streams,” as they called them. In a surprising move, Chinese computer maker Legend Computers had acquired IBM’s PC division to become a global player in the challenging computer hardware market. The new company rebranded as Lenovo, and the new executive team consisted of senior leaders from both Legend and IBM, as well as several senior executives from Dell—hence, their “three streams.”
Faced with all the typical challenges on senior teams (jockeying for position, strong identification with their specific business units, and blending disparate corporate cultures), these executives were also faced with the challenge of melding “Eastern” and “Western” cultures and leadership styles. Much progress was made in overcoming these challenges as the various players began to demonstrate respect in seemingly small things.
The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything Page 19