The lesson from the story is this: If you’re not a caring person now—but you desire to be a caring person—then go out and behave in caring ways. If you’re not an honest person now—but you desire to be honest—then go out and behave in honest ways. Just do what caring and honest people do. It may take time, but as you do these things, you can behave yourself into the kind of person you want to be.
Put another way, trust the noun—what we feel—is often the result of trust the verb—what we do.
BUILDING TRUST ACCOUNTS
As you work on behaving in ways that build trust, one helpful way to visualize and quantify your efforts is by thinking in terms of “Trust Accounts.” These are similar to the “Emotional Bank Accounts” my father introduced in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. By behaving in ways that build trust, you make deposits. By behaving in ways that destroy trust, you make withdrawals. The “balance” in the account reflects the amount of trust in the relationship at any given time.
One of the greatest benefits of the Trust Account metaphor is that it gives you a language to talk about trust. It’s also valuable because it helps you become aware of several important realities:
Each Trust Account is unique. As my children were growing up, I distinctly remember contrasting the huge difference in the account I had with my then three-year-old daughter and the one that I had with my oldest son, who was then in his teens. While my three-year-old trusted me implicitly, my teenager constantly reminded me of the words of Mark Twain: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years!” Recognizing uniqueness can help you build each account more effectively.
All deposits and withdrawals are not created equal. Often the little things can be disproportionately large. One year when a hurricane hit the southeastern coast of the U.S., one of my associates sent a brief e-mail of concern to a client who had to evacuate her island home. He said that he hoped she was doing well, that she was in his prayers, and that he would talk to her when she was able to return. She later said, “That was the only e-mail I got that expressed concern from anyone outside of my family, and it meant a lot to me. Thank you.” On the other hand, seemingly little things such as forgetting a family member’s birthday (or worse, your own wedding anniversary!), not saying “thank you,” or failing to attend to other small courtesies or customs can create huge withdrawals, particularly with some people, or with most people in some cultures around the world.
What constitutes a “deposit” to one person may not to another. I may think it’s a deposit to take you and your partner out to dinner. But to you, it may be a withdrawal. Maybe you don’t like to eat out with business associates, or you’re on a diet, or you really want to spend the evening at home, but you feel obligated because you don’t want to offend me. Or I may think it’s a deposit to publicly acknowledge you for some positive thing you did. But to you, it may be a withdrawal—even a huge withdrawal—because you wanted your deed to remain anonymous. Always remember: It’s important to know what constitutes a deposit to a person when you’re trying to build trust.
Withdrawals are typically larger than deposits. As Warren Buffett has said, “It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” In general, withdrawals can have 10, 20, or even 100 times more impact than deposits, but there are some withdrawals that are so significant that they completely wipe out the account in one stroke. I once heard the analogy that trust is like a big bucket that gets filled with water (making deposits) one drop at a time, and some withdrawals (the massive ones) are like “kicking the bucket”—in other words, because of a single action, you simply don’t have anything left. The important thing to remember here is that it’s not smart to kick the bucket! You’re going to make mistakes—everybody does—but try not to make the ones that completely destroy trust, and work hard to build trust and to restore whatever trust has been lost.
Sometimes the fastest way to build trust is to stop making withdrawals. When I assumed the challenge of turning the Covey Leadership Center around, we had five different businesses, four of which were profitable. The fifth was losing money, taking 20 percent of my time and providing only 2 percent of our revenue. Although this business had been popular with some of the company’s leaders, I recognized that the quickest way to improve the overall profit was not to focus on improving the other four, but to eliminate the fifth. So we sold it, and that made a huge difference in turning the center around and restoring the trust of bankers and others who were involved. As this experience affirms, to raise the level of performance (or, in this case, trust) you not only need to strengthen the driving forces, you also need to remove the restraining forces. If you don’t, it’s like trying to drive a car with one foot on the gas pedal and the other foot on the brake. Sometimes the fastest way to achieve results is to simply take your foot off the brake.
Recognize that each relationship has two trust accounts. The way you perceive the amount of trust in a relationship and the way the other person perceives it may be different. So it’s generally wise to think of any relationship in terms of two accounts—not one—and to try to be aware of the balance in each account. I’ve often thought it would be helpful if we could see “signal bars” over people’s heads (like those in the cell phone commercials that showed the bars going up and down to reflect varying cell phone reception). Instead of cell phone reception, these bars would show the effect of every interaction—whether it made a deposit or a withdrawal, and the resulting balance. But without such graphic help, it’s best to make a sincere effort to understand what makes a deposit or withdrawal to another person and always try to act in ways that build trust.
There are no facts, only interpretations.
—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND
As we move now into the 13 Behaviors, I’d like to call your attention to a few ideas that will help you with understanding and implementation.
First, all the 13 Behaviors require a combination of both character and competence. The first five flow initially from character, the second five from competence, and the last three from an almost equal mix of character and competence. This is important to recognize because generally, the quickest way to decrease trust is to violate a behavior of character, while the quickest way to increase trust is to demonstrate a behavior of competence.
Second, like any good thing, it’s possible to take any one of these behaviors to the extreme. And any strength pushed to the extreme becomes a weakness. As we discuss each of the behaviors, it will be helpful to keep the following visual in mind. I will point out specific ways you can use the 4 Cores and strengthen your judgment to hit the “sweet spot” on the curve for each behavior.
Third, these 13 Behaviors work together to create balance. For example, “Talk Straight” must be balanced by “Demonstrate Respect.” In other words, you don’t want to talk so straight that you’re like a bull in a china shop, showing blatant disregard for the worth or ideas or feelings of others.
Fourth, along with each behavior, I will note the principles upon which it is based. I will also give the opposite and the counterfeit for each behavior. It’s these opposites and counterfeits (often unrecognized) that create the biggest withdrawals.I
Fifth, at the end of each chapter, I’ll suggest a few “Trust Tips.” This will include ideas for strengthening your 4 Cores to hit the “sweet spot” on the curve, and also a few specific suggestions for ways to apply the behavior. Keep in mind that the behavior itself is the real “to do” in each chapter; the application suggestions are designed to stimulate “next step” thinking.
MAKING IT PERSONAL
At the end of one of my presentations, a man came to me with tears in his eyes. He said, “I wish I had heard all of this ten years ago. That Warren Buffett quote, ‘It takes twenty years to build your reputation and five minutes to ruin it,’ i
s so true. In five minutes, I ruined my reputation with my wife, and it’s been a battle ever since.”
As I acknowledged to him, there are situations where the withdrawals have been so huge and the pain is so great that trust cannot be restored. In effect, the account is closed. But I firmly believe that in the vast majority of cases—particularly in personal friendships and family relationships—we are far too quick to make that judgment. I have literally seen miracles in relationships when people sincerely and diligently work to restore trust, even in situations where you would never believe it would be possible. Sometimes it happens over time; often it happens faster than people think. In some cases, the rebuilt trust is actually stronger than it was before.
So I encourage you to make this section highly relevant and personal by thinking of two specific relationships—one in your professional life and one in your personal life—that currently have a low Trust Account balance. The relationships you select should be ones where you would like to increase trust, and where, by improving trust, you would get far better results professionally and find far greater happiness personally.
At the end of this section, I’ll give you the opportunity to look back, identify the two or three behaviors that would make the greatest difference for you, and create an actionable plan for change.
The only relationships in this world that have ever been worthwhile and enduring have been those in which one person could trust another.
—SAMUEL SMILES, BRITISH AUTHOR AND BIOGRAPHER
As you think about behaving in ways that build trust, keep in mind that every interaction with every person is a “moment of trust.” The way you behave in that moment will either build or diminish trust. And this opportunity is geometric. How you behave with one family member is noticed by other family members. How you behave with one report gets discussed with other reports. How you interact with one client is observed by other clients. This is the stuff by which corporate legends are created. It’s the ripple effect—once again, the opposite of the mafia creed: By behaving in ways that build trust with one, you build trust with many.
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I. To see the impact of counterfeit behavior on culture, go to the Book Promises on www.speedoftrust.com/book-promises.
BEHAVIOR #1: TALK STRAIGHT
The people who I have trouble dealing with . . . are people who tend to not give full information. They purposefully leave out certain parts of the story—they distort facts.
—SHELLEY LAZARUS, CHAIRMAN EMERITUS, OGILVY & MATHER
At one time I worked with a person who would never let you know where he stood on an issue until the decision was made and the wisdom of the decision was either validated or shown to be in error. You could never pin him down. However, once the decision was finally made and the results were in, he rode the winning horse and energetically asserted that that had been his opinion all along.
At one point a very important proposal came up in our executive meeting. I knew that if we acted on this proposal, it would either be fantastic or it would bomb. As usual, this person said a lot in the meeting, but he really didn’t commit one way or the other.
Tired of his sidestepping, I wanted to have him on record as committing one way or the other. So that night I went to his home to talk with him. He knew that I was against the proposal. So when I asked him where he stood, he said, “Oh, I am totally against it.”
The next day, in front of the entire group, I said to him, “Yesterday in our meeting it wasn’t clear to me where you stood on this issue. Would you please share your views?” The chairman of the company was at this meeting, and because this man knew that the chairman wanted to accept this proposal, he postured entirely differently than he had with me the night before.
Somewhat exasperated, I said to him, “That’s not at all what you said last night to me. You told me straight up that you are against this proposal.” He hemmed and hawed and said, “Yes, well, that’s what I was thinking at that point, but . . .” He was masterful at skirting commitment and playing to the preferences of the key players involved.
TELL THE TRUTH AND LEAVE THE RIGHT IMPRESSION
In your personal life or your professional life, have you been in situations where you wish people would just be honest and up-front, tell it like it is, say what they think, give you the facts, make their agenda clear?
What happens to trust when they don’t?
What happens to trust when they do?
“Talk Straight” is honesty in action. It’s based on the principles of integrity, honesty, and straightforwardness. As I said earlier, it means two things: to tell the truth and to leave the right impression. And both are vital to building trust. It’s possible to tell the truth and to leave the wrong impression. Leaving the right impression means communicating so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood.
What we say is true and forthcoming—not just technically correct.
—DELL INC.’S CODE OF CONDUCT
A good example of Talk Straight is a man I know who is president of a large division of a public company. Whenever he has to give formal feedback to someone who is not performing and whose job is on the line, this man will always say very clearly, “Here are the specific things you need to do, and if you do not do these things, you will be fired.” He doesn’t allow people to think they are just going to get some slap on the wrist or be transferred to another division. They clearly know: if they don’t perform, they will be f-i-r-e-d. This is hard for people to hear. Undoubtedly it’s hard for him to say. But saying it is a lot kinder than leaving the impression that there is any other option in mind.
Another excellent example of Talk Straight is Warren Buffett. Every year he writes a management letter for his company’s annual report. His letters are descriptions of things as they really are, without spin. For example, he writes:
• I’ve made this kind of deal a few times myself—and, on balance, my actions have cost you money.
• I didn’t do that job very well last year. My hope was to make several multibillion acquisitions that would add new and significant streams of earnings to the many we already have. But I struck out.
• Rather than address the situation head-on, however, I wasted several years while we w . . . . Fault me for dithering.
In contrast, many management letters in annual reports read like public relations blather, positioning their companies to look as good as legally possible. When a letter begins with a statement such as, “2018 was a challenging year for XYZ Corp . . . .” you know that the company probably had a lousy year, but will try to “put makeup on the pig.” Buffett would just straight out call a pig a pig.
Another example is Abraham Lincoln, whose ability to inspire trust in others—even in his former rivals—is legendary. Undoubtedly, there are many reasons for this, but clearly one of his most defining characteristics was his method of communication. He was often described as being “plainspoken,” which is another way of saying he talked straight. And while some people disagreed with him, no one saw him as being duplicitous. Said Lincoln with his characteristic wit: “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
The opposite of Talk Straight is to lie or to deceive. Such behavior creates a huge tax on interactions—either immediately or at some later time when the deception is discovered. The U.S. presidential Watergate scandal of the early 1970s is a powerful example of the impact of lying and deceiving and attempting to cover up. When people lie, they destroy trust. Period. They make it so that no one going forward can take them for their word.
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that I can no longer believe you.
—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
Most people don’t flat-out lie—at least not blatantly. Instead, they engage in the counterfeit behaviors of Talk Straight. These counterfeits include behaviors such as beating around the bush, withholding information, double-talk (speaking with a “forked tongue”), flattery, positioning, posturing, and the granddaddy of them all: “spinnin
g” communication in order to manipulate the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others. Another dangerous counterfeit is “technically” telling the truth but leaving a false impression. This is mincing words and legally splitting hairs. All these behaviors invariably diminish trust.
THE IMPACT ON SPEED AND COST
A Mercer “What’s Working” survey revealed that only 44 percent of workers trust that senior management communicates honestly—which means that about six in ten believe their bosses are not honest about what they’re saying.
What kind of impact do you think that has on speed and cost?
Instead of straight talk, much of organizational life is filled with spin. This creates what I call a “spin tax,” and is one of the main reasons why trust is low in so many organizations. When people keep hearing spin from their leaders, they tend to become skeptical and cynical—much in the same way that many people respond to politicians and their perpetual spin. Then when the tough changes take place—the layoffs, restructurings, or mergers—people don’t give the benefit of the doubt to what top management says or does. Instead, they tax it all right off the top.
The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything Page 18