What's Life Without the Sprinkles?

by Simon, Misty

  “Babe, you don’t need to throw another card on the table,” Claudia said, hooking an arm over May’s shoulder. “This is awkward and difficult for all of us, for different reasons. But we’ll get through it.” She let go to grab a handful of plastic silverware. “We’ll enjoy lunch and figure it all out later. It’s not a problem and not nearly as tough as I thought it would be. I can handle it. Don’t I always?”

  So they went out into the dining room, where everyone had gathered at the buffet on the long oak table Nate had made for May when she and Brad married three years ago. Just the reminder of him and her failed attempts at seducing him made her feel better, for some reason. She was moving on. She was moving forward with something she wanted, and no one, not even the reemergence of an old lover and the father of her child, was going to make her forget that she did have purpose and she did have goals that didn’t include him.

  Lunch got underway. Justin was called up from the basement and sat next to her in the living room. Since May had so many people there, with her parents and Claudia’s parents, her, Justin, and Zoe, everyone pretty much just spread out through the main floor of the house. Thankfully, she didn’t see Peter at all. But she was still waiting for Justin to start asking where he was. She’d finally screwed up her courage just this morning to tell her boy that Peter would be there. At first she’d thought he would be full of questions after he’d walked away the first time, but he’d surprised her by coming back to the living room and talking about the batting cages and some homework that still needed to be done tonight. Then her parents had shown up, and that had been the end of that.

  She wasn’t going to bring it up while they ate, with Zoe sitting on the living room floor in front of them like a guard dog, but she also knew it would come at some point. She’d be happy if only they could get through this. However, she wasn’t holding her breath.

  Sure enough, the other shoe dropped just as she put a particularly sour pickle between her lips.

  “So, Mom, that guy in there, he was my sperm donor, huh?” Justin shoved some chips in his mouth and settled back into the couch.

  He sounded so nonchalant, she almost choked on the pickle. That wouldn’t be a very nice picture, so she made an effort to finish chewing and swallow. She shot a look at Zoe. There was only one person who called Peter a sperm donor out loud, and she was staring at her.

  Zoe did everything but whistle and rock back and forth on her heels in a picture of total innocence.

  Claudia cleared her throat. “Let’s not use that term, okay?”

  “You mean ‘sperm donor’?” he asked loudly. Loudly enough to have several heads in the next room turn to see what was going on.

  Claudia inanely laughed and shook her head as if to say “Kids! What are you going to do?” but inside she was ready to throttle him. “Yes, that is the word I’m talking about, and I don’t want to hear it again.”

  “Aunt Zoe says it.”

  Claudia mentally rolled her eyes and set her foot down on the edge of Zoe’s pants when she tried to get up and walk out. “You are not going anywhere.”

  Zoe at least had the grace to look sheepish. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Claudia focused all her attention on Justin again and formed the words in her head to make him understand. “We won’t call him that because it could hurt his feelings.” Now it was Zoe’s turn to roll her eyes. Claudia saw it peripherally and let it pass. She didn’t know why she was worrying about Peter’s feelings either, but it was built into who she was. What happened was in the past, and she wasn’t going to drag it all up and examine it because of one lousy lunch.

  “So what should I call him?” Justin popped another chip into his mouth, but this time it was feigned nonchalance.

  She could almost feel him vibrating next to her. She’d tried over the years to understand what it must feel like to have one of the two people who should love you absolutely without reserve walk out, but all she could do was follow Justin’s lead. Sure, it had hurt that Peter left her in the lurch with a child on the way, but that was more pride than any love. She hadn’t had any deep feelings for him in years. “I don’t know, to be honest. I would think ‘Peter’ would be fine. Did you want to talk to him? He’s in the family room, I think.”

  Justin crunched his chips and darted his gaze everywhere but at her. Was he thinking he’d be betraying her if he went and talked to Peter? Was he nervous that Peter might not like him? This whole idea was feeling worse and worse as the moments dragged on. But then Justin surprised her. “Yeah, I think I should go talk to him, so he can see that I’m okay and that you did a great job raising me even if he couldn’t be here to help out.”

  She had a fantastic kid. “Okay, we can go find him.”

  Claudia ignored Zoe’s pointed stare and fake cough as she left her plate on the coffee table and took Justin’s hand. He must have been almost as nervous as she was, since his hand was sweaty and he actually let her hold it. He hadn’t wanted to hold her hand since he was six. “It’s going to be fine, hon.”

  “Oh, I know,” he said, his voice much more confident than the sweat on his hand revealed. “I just hope I like him.”

  That was a perfect attitude to take into this encounter. She wished her mind wasn’t running to “I hope he doesn’t think I’m a fat cow.”

  ****

  Claudia stood back from the scene unfolding before her and let her son do the talking, but she was there right behind him if he needed her. So far, she hadn’t had to say a thing, even though Peter kept flicking glances at her.

  Justin hovered on the arm of the big chair Peter sat in. As he explained the intricacies of his latest video game and the way Nate didn’t always let him win, since it was good for his character, Justin kept his arms crossed over his chest. But it was less a protective gesture and more a pride in himself and relaxation. He’d jumped into the conversation with Peter as if they were old friends and Justin had every right to his undivided attention.

  Fortunately, Peter hadn’t been talking to anyone at the time, so Claudia didn’t have to deal with Justin being rude and butting in once he got his mind set on something.

  “So anyway, there’s this level on Spiderman that you have to swing left and right and not miss a single thing while picking up clues. I scored on it, and it was so cool. I can’t wait to get to the next level.”

  Peter hadn’t said much yet, but Justin hadn’t exactly given him a chance. He looked a little bewildered, though he was at least paying attention. “How many levels are you talking?”

  “Probably about twenty or more, I think. I didn’t look at the back of the package yet, or even get cheat codes off the Internet, since we’re trying to beat it on our own.” Justin shrugged. “So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think it’s great meeting you, and thanks for being with my mom to make me.”

  Claudia felt her breath back up in her throat. The expression on her face most likely closely mirrored the dawning look of horror on Peter’s face.

  And Justin went on. “She hasn’t really explained the whole baby thing to me yet, so I’m not sure what all was involved, but I hope it was fun, since I’m fun.”

  Open up, floor, and swallow her whole. Yet she still couldn’t get her mouth to do anything but open and close.

  “If you’ve ever been worried that Mom wasn’t going to do a good job with me, you can stop now. She’s the best in the world, even if she won’t let me call you a sperm donor, and I think it’s cool to finally meet you. I mean, how many people get to go back to school tomorrow and say, ‘Hey, I finally got to meet my dad and he was pretty cool’? Ought ta be fun. I’m going to go get some more soda, Mom. I’ll see you later, Peter. I want to tell Grandpa about this awesome basket I made at church this morning. Have fun, and it was nice meeting you.” Justin trotted off toward the kitchen.

  Peter gave a vague wave of his hand before shaking his head and looking at Claudia. She swallowed nervously, still not sure what to say, if she should apologize or if sh
e should just ride the wave. Although that had gone a whole lot better than she had thought possible.

  It could have been worse, anyway.

  “Wow.” Peter wiped his fingers across the top of his mouth. It was a nervous gesture from years ago, and it tugged at her a little.

  “Yeah, he’s, um, something else, huh?” Claudia remained standing even though it made her feel awkward to tower over him in her three-inch heels. After the flats had gone into the fire the moment she got home from her date with Eddie, she’d worn only heels. They gave her a height advantage right now, but it seemed silly to force it—until he stood up and took her hand, leaving her at his eye level.

  “He is something, Claudia. You did a good job.”

  Well, that wasn’t quite the response she’d been prepared for. And now what did she say since the verbal ball was back in her court? “Um, thank you.” So weak, but she couldn’t think of anything else on such short notice. She couldn’t even dredge up all the old feelings of abandonment to blast him with.

  “Well, I think Brad’s waving me over, so I’ll be going.”

  He ducked out before she could say anything else, and it was a letdown to not have said anything but, “Um, thanks.” She looked around the room but couldn’t find Justin, and she didn’t want to face Zoe just yet. She could go talk to her parents. She hadn’t seen them since the buffet line. When she looked around for them, though, they seemed to be in a pretty intense conversation with their heads close together. Maybe not.

  May’s smiling face greeted her when she walked back into the dining room with the intention of maybe grabbing more potato salad, the great equalizer of confusion. She wished it was a chocolate cake. Maybe that would come later. She hadn’t been able to make herself bake a cake for this supposed celebration, but she would when it was all said and done.

  “How are you doing?” May asked.

  Claudia had stuffed some potato salad in her mouth and chewed for a while before swallowing. It gave her a chance to be as diplomatic as possible. “Fine. Everything was great. When does your dad want to start things?”

  “Hopefully soon. Things are going well...so far. I don’t want it to explode from prolonged exposure.” May stared down at her clasped hands.

  Claudia laughed and covered those hands with her own. “I can’t say I would have asked for this, but it actually did turn out okay. Peter and I had our first adult conversation in years, and it went fine. He even met Justin and was impressed with him. He complimented me on raising a good kid.” And hadn’t that been strange?

  May grabbed Claudia’s hands and beamed at her. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m so happy things worked out so well.”

  “I don’t know if I’d say they worked out well, but they worked out.” May’s smile slipped, and Claudia wanted to take the qualifier back. What did it matter if May wanted everyone to act like a big happy family? Would it kill Claudia to let her have her delusions for one afternoon?

  May held up a hand before Claudia could get word one out. “No, you’re right. I was hoping for too much too soon. Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay, May. I know this is hard for you, harder since he seems to want to be a part of your family again. I just don’t think I can let him be part of our family.” She’d never been less than honest with May—except for that terrible period where May had worn green eye shadow with green eyeliner. But that was minor compared to this conversation. She had to be honest here. This wasn’t merely a fashion faux pas. “If he wants to be involved with Justin, we’d have to talk about that a lot before it happened. But he didn’t seem to want anything more than what Justin gave him, which was a little conversation and some insight into what a great kid he is.”

  “That’s good. I’m glad, then. Do you know where he went? I wanted to make a little announcement.”

  May lowered her eyelashes, and Claudia knew something was up. She hoped it didn’t have anything to do with her and Peter. “He went off with Brad, somewhere in the back of the house. They could be grunting over tools, for all I know.” She did not want to offer to go find them. She’d done her good deed for the day by staying in this house with Peter and eating lunch despite his presence. She didn’t need to go any further.

  May wandered off with a slight smile on her face. Something was definitely up.

  Ten minutes later Claudia waited in the family room with everyone else to find out what that secret smile had been about.

  “We have an announcement to make,” Brad said, banging a plastic spoon against his plastic cup.

  “That’s not very effective,” Peter said from the other side of the room.

  Claudia’s gaze was drawn to him against her will. He was still a very good-looking man. He also had a magnetism that couldn’t be ignored, even if he had always been used to getting his way.

  The conversation continued around them with all the adults jabbering away. Claudia put two fingers in her mouth and whistled. That stopped everyone in their conversational tracks. She smiled and waved a hand at May, grateful that, despite the magnetism, she felt nothing at all for Peter.

  “Thanks, Claudia. I forgot you could do that.”

  “No prob, May. I don’t get to use it often anymore.”

  The small crowd laughed as Justin mumbled, “Yeah, right,” loud enough for everyone to hear.

  Brad took the floor again and raised his plastic cup. “I’d like to thank all of you for coming. Today is a special day for more reasons than you know. Tell them, May.”

  Eyes shining bright and hands clasped over her abdomen, May said, “We’re having a baby.”

  Brad grabbed her up as if she weighed nothing and twirled her around while she laughed like a loon. Everyone crowded in to tell the soon-to-be parents how exciting this was. Claudia hung back for a moment so Brad’s parents could get to her first. And then May’s father rose from his chair to hug her. Claudia looked away for a moment, knowing that she might not make it through seeing such happiness when her own expecting news had been met only with anger almost eleven years ago. While this wouldn’t be Roger’s first grandchild, it would be the first to be a happy blessing from day one. As much as Roger now loved Justin, it wasn’t going to be the same situation. Everyone had been hoping May would get pregnant soon. And now she was.

  Brad finally put May down when she threatened to throw up on him. Justin was yelling that this was fantastic because now they could all ruffle someone else’s hair, since there would be a new baby in the family. Zoe said something about not needing a dog now, and Claudia’s gaze caught on Peter’s.

  That’s how it should have happened for her, too, all those years ago. Pregnancy was a wonderful thing. Bringing another life into the world was fantastic. But at eighteen and barely out of high school, she had known it wasn’t quite what her parents hoped for her. And then Peter turned away from her and continued to make his plans for college as if nothing earth-shattering had happened. She looked down at her shoes and swallowed back unexpected tears. She was so happy for May and Brad. They’d been trying for the last three years for a baby. No way was she going to ruin this for them by wishing anyone would have been this excited for her when she got pregnant.

  Something drew her gaze back to Peter at that moment, and it was as if eleven years evaporated and left them able to read each other’s minds again, finish each other’s sentences. And if she wasn’t mistaken, he was regretting it, too.

  Chapter Seven

  “May, that was delicious. Thank you.” Claudia got up and started clearing paper plates and used plastic ware after they’d had cake and mimosas to celebrate the great news. May had just had a flute of orange juice.

  “Here, let me help you with that.” Peter got up from the table and gathered his father’s plate, his own, and Brad’s.

  Before she could protest, he led the way into the kitchen. Left with plates in her hands and a sinking feeling in her heart, she didn’t have much choice but to follow unless she wanted to look like an idiot by putting the
plates back down and sitting in her chair like a petulant child.

  But walking across the dining room and into the kitchen was the second hardest walk of the day. Zoe was caught in conversation with May and neither seemed to realize what had happened. Which left her to walk on her own.

  Once inside the kitchen with the door gently swinging shut behind her, she placed the plates in the trash can and turned to go back out as quickly as she could. Peter caught her arm before she made it two steps from the trash.

  “Claudia.”

  She stared down at his hand on her arm. His tanned flesh looked odd against her winter-white skin. And yet that used to make them laugh. They’d compare how she never tanned to how he could be a burnished gold within days of summer starting.

  The moment lasted too long with her continuing not to look up, but keeping her eyes on his hand.

  He backed up. “Sorry.”

  Finally she looked up at him and struggled to find some trace of the boy who had taken her virginity in the back of the Mustang he’d received from his dad before he went off to college and a career in business.

  She waited for him to say more. Crossing her arms over her chest, she stood as still as she could and tried to mentally prepare herself for whatever it was he needed to say.

  “That should have been how it was for you, and I should have been more mature.”

  She didn’t move a muscle. Peter didn’t say he was sorry, and he certainly didn’t admit he’d done something wrong. “Should” didn’t mean shit to her. “What does that do for me?”

  He dropped his gaze and seemed to have a great fascination with the tiles on the floor.