And that was nothing compared to the way my heart jumped up in my throat when they put him on a stretcher and wheeled him back through the team tunnel on that little cart.
He didn’t give us a thumbs up to signal that he was okay, either.
The staff, the coaches, the players—they gave us nothing to indicate what was wrong.
Little did we know, everything was wrong.
Chapter Forty-One
“Nothing Else Matters”
by Metallica
Sam
Three days.
Three damn days later I was wondering why the hell Kade had spent the last three damn days avoiding me. Our only communication had been a few terse texts, but it was mostly radio silence on his part. I even had to call Mr. Jennings just for a freaking update on his injury.
Oh, Kade.
My heart had absolutely broken for him when I’d heard the news. Hearing the doctor say that he’d likely never play football again would understandably screw with his head. It hadn’t even happened to me and I was crushed.
The term was aseptic necrosis, or osteonecrosis. I’d hated anatomy in high school, so I didn’t get the full gist of it. But from what I understood it affected the ball-and-socket joint of his hip. Basically, the bone at the head of his femur was dying, which causes the articular cartilage between the bones of the ball and socket joint to collapse, which eventually causes arthritis and a whole lot of pain.
The doctor said that the minor injuries Kade had sustained over his football career had probably caused the initial decline of the bone. And with the way he’d twisted his hip on Saturday when he was pushed, his fate had pretty much been sealed. Nothing could be done to repair the cartilage, and Kade would experience a tremendous amount of pain if he attempted to keep playing.
Clearly, the reality of never being able to play the game he loved again had been setting in for him these last three days. I got that. I probably understood better than anyone how much the sport meant to him.
But did that mean he had to shut me out?
Well, I was about to find out. Because I was at his apartment, knocking on his front door.
I’ve had enough.
He was going to let me help him. Period.
I didn’t care if he liked it or not.
No one answered the door. He wasn’t answering his phone, either. Just in case, I tried the doorknob and jolted when it easily opened. Unlocked.
“Kade?” I called out.
The apartment was empty and dark, all except for a light coming from beneath Kade’s bedroom door. I quietly approached, not wanting to disturb him if he was asleep. Still, I heard nothing as I stood right outside. I lightly knocked and cracked open the door when all remained silent. Kade was lying on his back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with headphones over his ears.
The first thought that slammed into me was that I’d been on that same bed with him just four nights ago, in a much different scenario.
We’d tangled those sheets.
We’d laughed together.
We’d sweated together.
We’d slept and held each other.
Now, it felt like that was some kind of dream. Like it never even happened.
I opened the door wider and stepped into the room. His head swiveled over to me, outrage marring his features. But when he saw it was me, he didn’t look as relieved or happy as I would have hoped. In fact, every emotion on his face just sort of dulled. When I saw what I thought was dread in his eyes, I felt a sense of foreboding force its way into the room.
He removed his headphones and sat up. “What are you doing here?”
That halted me mid-step.
His tone had a dangerous bite, sounding almost like a warning. I was suddenly second guessing my decision to seek him out.
“I came to see how you were doing. I tried calling a few times.”
He threw his legs over the side of the bed, turning his back to me. He didn’t get up. Just leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, refusing to look at me.
“I know,” he said in a somber voice. “Sorry I didn’t answer, but I needed to be alone.”
Feeling like I was walking on eggshells, I practically tip-toed across the room and sat on the corner of the mattress.
“It’s okay. I understand why you did. I just want to help any way I can.”
His laugh was dark—bitter—and it scared me. “How can you understand, Sam? How can you help? It’s my life that just got fucking turned upside-down. Not yours.”
“I know,” I said gently. “I can’t fix that, but I can at least be here for you.”
He fisted his hands, the blood leaving his knuckles and turning them white. “This is something I have to figure out by myself.”
“Why? You don’t have to be alone, Kade. We can figure everything out together.”
I placed my hand on his back in a comforting gesture.
It was the wrong move.
He shot up from the bed and immediately faltered, his injured hip giving out underneath his weight. My first instinct was to rush over and grab the crutches he’d left leaning against the wall, but I stayed put. I knew he wouldn’t appreciate it, the acknowledgment that he needed help in any way. He never liked feeling weak, and he probably hated me seeing him like this.
Well, that’s just too damn bad.
He righted himself and took a few deep breaths before spinning back around. “Figure what out? Huh? There’s nothing to figure out. Without football, I have nothing.”
Tears filled my eyes at the desolation in his voice. “You have me,” I whispered.
His jaw clenched. “And what can I give you now, Sam? Football was supposed to take me places. I was going to be someone. I told you once that I have no other skills other than playing football, and now I don’t even have that. What am I supposed to do?”
“You always have options. You’re smart and talented—”
“At football!” he shouted. “Talented at football. A smart player. But that’s out of the equation now.”
He started pacing, limping across the floor. His hip was obviously bothering him, but he stubbornly didn’t reach for the crutches.
“You should sit down and rest. Your hip—”
“I don’t even know who I am without football.” His hands flew over his head in a punishing grip. “It’s all I’ve ever known!”
I’d never seen him like this, so dejected and lost. I was struggling with how to handle it. I desperately didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing.
“And we’ll figure out who you are together. This isn’t the end for you. Your life will go on without football.”
“But it won’t be good enough,” he spat. “Not for you. You won’t want to be with me when I can’t give you everything you want in the future.”
That drove me to my feet, my blood simmering. “You think I’m some kind of gold digger or something?”
He shook his head vigorously, grunting in frustration. “No, that’s not—”
“When have I ever cared about money?” I pushed, my blood now boiling. “Do you honestly think the only reason I want to be with you is because you were on a fast track to making millions and becoming famous? I don’t need you to provide for me, Kade. I want to be with you because of who you are. Not because of how well you play a sport. Without football, you’re still the same guy I met in high school and became best friends with. You’re still the same guy you were in this apartment four nights ago. You’re still you.”
He seared me with those hazel eyes. “Am I?”
“Yes.”
He bit his lip, shaking his head. He turned his gaze to the floor when he said, “I’m not so sure. In fact, I’m starting to think that maybe you were right. Maybe it was meant to be this way.”
My heart squeezed inside my chest. I don’t think I want to hear this.
“What does that mean?”
Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.
“It’s just like what y
ou said in your dorm room the other night. Every time we try taking the next step, all these roadblocks get in our way and stop us.” He waved down at his bed with the disheveled sheets. “Well, we took the next step the other night and look what happened.” He punctuated those words by waving down at his hip.
I could barely breathe around the giant lump in my throat. “You said you didn’t believe in fate or any of that stuff. You said that we’re the only ones who control our actions and our choices. Right?”
He ignored that. “Think about it, Sam. Back in high school, when things changed with you and Trent and we could finally be together, what happened? His mom died, and you had to be there for him. So, we had to wait. And then it just never felt like the right time for us. Right?”
I fought to find my voice around the sobs rising in my chest, threatening to burst free. “Things were complicated back then.”
“Now look at us. We both break up with the people in our lives so we can be together. We take that leap, and then I have everything stripped from me. My life has completely changed.”
I swallowed. “What’s your point?”
“It’s a sign!” he bellowed, throwing his hands up. “You were right! You and I aren’t supposed to happen. How many hints does the universe have to drop before it finally sinks in?”
Punching me in the stomach would have hurt less than hearing those words.
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“I’m saying I don’t think I’m supposed to be with you. After everything that’s happened in the past and after what happened on Saturday, I think I’ve finally accepted that.”
“You’ve accepted that?” I asked incredulously. “Without even giving us a chance? Without asking me what I think about it, you’re just writing us off? I ended a potentially good thing with a great guy for you. Because I realized that no matter how well he treated me or how he made me feel, he could never be you. Don’t you get that?”
“He would probably make you happier than I could now.” He put his hands on his hips, refusing to meet my eyes. “Me and you…I think it’s meant to be this way.”
The sound of my disbelieving laugh filled the room. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this from Kade Jennings, of all people. Since when do you let anyone or anything, including fate, dictate your life?”
He shrugged in defeat. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Sam. I’m done.”
“You’ve just decided you’re giving up, then? Is that what you’re saying?”
He had my heart on the chopping block, and he didn’t even care.
But I guess it didn’t matter.
My heart was on the verge of shattering at his feet, all on its own.
He waved down at his left hip, while putting all his weight on the right one. “I don’t have to choose to give up. The decision’s already been made for me.”
“Maybe for football it has been. But you are the one making the choice about me and you. Don’t blame it on anything else. It’s a cop-out. Isn’t that what you said to me the same night I threw all of this in your lap? This decision right here, it’s all you, Kade. And you know what? I kind of hate you for it.”
He winced before schooling his features back into that resolved mask. “I’d rather you hate me now, before anything more has happened, than have you waste years of your life with me and finally realize you hate me somewhere down the road.”
My head reared back, his words jarring me. “Before anything more has happened? Something more did happen the other night! And before that a friendship happened! We could have something so good now, but you’re too scared to deal with reality to let it happen. At least when I’d been too scared that night in my dorm room, I eventually got my head out of my ass and realized the mistake I was making.”
An unfamiliar coldness washed over his expression. Ice and snow… He became a damn blizzard.
“Trust me, I’m dealing with reality and I’m not scared. I’m just finally being smart and paying attention to something that’s been staring us in the face for years. The only mistake I’d be making now would be to ignore that message, and try to force something between us that was never meant to be.”
Those words reminded me so much of my father’s, but I didn’t want to believe them. I couldn’t.
And I couldn’t hear anymore.
If his goal was to completely decimate my heart and soul, he’d done a bang-up job. Those words were the icing on the cake.
“If this is how you want to handle your situation, then fine.” My voice was wooden even to my own ears, but I was lucky I had one left at all. “I’ll stay out of your life. But I hope that when you look back at this moment years from now, you’ll know the truth and see how you’re lying to yourself. You said that night in my dorm that using fate or the universe as an excuse for anything is a crutch. Well, you were right. It’s the easy answer, the easy way out. And it’s bullshit. For your own sake, I hope you see that one day.”
I stomped to the door.
His raspy, broken voice stopped me when I had my hand on the knob. “Nothing about this is easy, Sam.”
I looked over my shoulder, the tears beginning to fall of their own accord. It was impossible to hold them back when I saw the anguish on his face. One lone tear slid down my cheek, his eyes following it the whole way down. Just like the night he came to my dorm, demanding me to choose him.
What a difference a week makes.
“Then allow me to make it easier for you.”
I swung open the door and took one step, but something compelled me to glance back. More tears escaped when I saw his eyes glistening with his own. It hurt—physically hurt me—to face him right then, knowing this was goodbye.
“After all this time,” I whispered, “after all the wanting and the waiting…this was it. You could have had me, Kade. You could have kept me.”
“Sam…” His voice was thick with agony, but his tormented eyes remained on me. “You’ve never been mine to keep.”
With that final dagger to my heart, I walked out of his bedroom, out of his apartment, and out of his life.
Sam and Kade were no more after that.
Not best friends.
Not lovers.
Nothing.
Chapter Forty-Two
“I Want You to Want Me”
by Cheap Trick
Now
Sam
The memories of that night assault me, transcending time and space to fill me with a barrage of painful emotions. His last words spoken to me for eight years still have the ability to nail me right in the chest with pinpoint accuracy, as if no time has passed at all. The hurt is still just as sharp as it had been that night.
He’d left Florida University after that night, without a single word to me. Even after our argument in his bedroom, I’d still expected a short explanation, maybe even some kind of weak apology.
But…nothing.
His little vanishing act had been swift and abrupt, his self-imposed isolation lasting for years as he apparently dealt with his own demons. I’d known the second he came out of it and stepped back onto the football scene. I’d wondered if he’d seek me out, but I refused to get my hopes up. Good thing, too, because that had been years ago and he only just came back into my life a couple of months ago.
But his words from that night tortured me for years. I’d struggled with my own self-doubt, debating over whether or not I’d handled it the right way. He’d been in such grief and inner turmoil over the death of his dreams. Should I have offered to give him more time? More space? Should I have said something like come to me when you’re ready and I’ll be waiting? Would any of that have changed his mind?
I eventually told myself that no, it wouldn’t have.
I’d settled comfortably into my resentment after that.
Had that night played out like it was supposed to? Was the whole thing meant to be?
The way I still feel about him, despite how severely he’d damaged my heart, tells me that
maybe splitting up had been the wrong move.
It feels like our entire relationship hinges on this conversation—this moment.
“I need to know why,” I tell Kade as we face off in my condo’s living room, my voice almost pleading. “Why you showed me exactly how it could be between us, and then shut me out when things got tough. Why did you leave me?”
His jaw hardens, much like it did that night long ago. Although he’s changed physically in many ways—he’s broader and more muscular now, with a new haircut and more facial hair—but something in his heart has obviously altered since that night. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
“I was messed up back then, Sam. Getting injured like that and having my entire future suddenly vanish in an instant…it wasn’t something I was prepared for. My head was so fucked up, I don’t think anything or anyone would have gotten through to me. At least not in those first few months. I wasn’t capable of dealing with it. I’m not proud of that.”
My heart tightens at the thought of him being all alone, coming to terms with everything without anyone there to unburden himself on.
But he made that choice.
“We’ll never know because you didn’t give me the chance to try to get through to you.”
His expression shudders as he stares at the wall behind me. “I’m not a noble guy. I’m not going to tell you that I pushed you away out of some noble act so that you’d find someone better than me, someone who could give you everything you deserve. At the time, that’s exactly what I thought I was doing.”
“But you weren’t?”
He scrubs his hands down his stubbled cheeks, laughing mirthlessly. “I was being selfish. Thinking only about what I was going to do with the rest of my life, what I had just lost, and what I would never become. And I…didn’t feel good enough for you. I wanted to be something you could be proud of, and I didn’t think getting some nine to five desk job would cut it. I thought that’s what I was looking at back then. Mediocrity. I wanted to be better for you.”
“But that still doesn’t make sense to me.” My voice is calmer now as other thoughts overtake my mind. “Why could I not even be a part of you making something of yourself? If you wanted to be better for me, why did you push me away?”
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