by Gerri Hill
She closed the book, wondering at her isolation. Hadn’t she missed having a close friendship with another woman? And how was it that she was just now noticing how empty her life had been?
She couldn’t fight off the depression any longer and her shoulders heaved only once before the tears came. She wept silently, hands covering her face as tears flowed between her fingers.
“Alex, give me a break.” Shawn kicked the tennis ball away as she tried once more to lay out the tent. But Alex was persistent. The dirty tennis ball once again found its way on top of the tent. “All right, already.” She dropped the tent and rain cover, picked up the ball, and threw it into the forest. She quickly assembled tent poles and, in between throwing the ball to Alex, finally managed to get the tent up.
It was still early and she craved another cup of coffee. She had left Fresno before dawn and had stopped for a bagel and coffee on the way out of town. That was two hours ago. She wondered if Susan was an early riser. She could always go bum a cup of coffee from her.
Actually, it was as good an excuse as any. She was relieved to find only Susan’s car at the cabin. She raised her hand to knock, then saw Susan sitting on the sofa in the dark, apparently lost in thought. Shawn watched her for a moment, then Susan turned, as if sensing her presence.
When Susan opened the door, Shawn noticed the red, puffy eyes immediately.
“What’s wrong?”
Susan saw concern and compassion in Shawn’s eyes and she smiled wearily, drawing Shawn into the room.
“Nothing. Just a night of feeling sorry for myself.”
Shawn followed her into the kitchen and accepted the coffee she had yet to ask for. They stood there quietly, each watching the other.
“I missed you.” Susan finally broke the silence.
“Yeah?”
Susan smiled. “Yeah.”
“I worked late,” Shawn explained. “I hate trying to put the tent up in the dark, so I just drove up early this morning.”
“You could have stayed here at the cabin, you know.”
Shawn reached out and touched under Susan’s eye. “Why have you been crying?”
Susan turned away, embarrassed.
“You can tell me,” Shawn urged.
Susan turned back around and found warm, gentle eyes on her. “I was feeling lost and alone . . . and depressed.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come up.”
Susan folded her arms across her chest. “It’s hardly your responsibility to be here for me.”
“Susan, that’s what friends do. They come when they’re needed.”
Susan couldn’t stop the tears that formed in her eyes, and she didn’t try to hide them. “And here I was thinking I didn’t have a friend in the world.”
Shawn put strong arms around Susan and drew her close. Susan hesitated only a brief second before relaxing completely in the younger woman’s embrace.
“PMS,” Susan explained. “My emotions are all over the place.” Susan finally pulled out of Shawn’s arms. “Don’t you think it’s odd? With us, I mean.”
“Odd?” Shawn asked.
“This friendship that we seem to have found. I mean, we’re so different, different backgrounds, different lifestyles. Yet I feel like I’ve known you for years.”
“That’s just packaging,” Shawn said. “Once you take all the wrappings off, we’re just two people, stripped of our protective barriers.” Shawn walked to the sink and rinsed her cup. “But I know what you mean. If we had met on the street in Fresno, I doubt we would have given each other a second glance.”
Susan nodded, knowing perfectly well that Shawn was right. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
“Me, too.”
Susan pushed off the counter, trying to shake her dark mood. “Lisa’s coming up today. I really want you to meet her.”
“I’ll look forward to it. And how did it go last weekend?”
Susan laughed. “They’re both convinced I’ve lost my mind. Have you had breakfast?”
“Yes. Has David called you?”
“Per Ruth, he’s giving me my space. Presumably until I come to my senses.”
Shawn watched as Susan fidgeted with the dish towel in her hands. “Have you decided anything?”
“I’ve decided that I’m a coward,” Susan said wearily.
“You’re not a coward, Susan.”
“Then I should be able to call him up and tell him that I want a divorce.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you scared of being alone?”
Susan shrugged. Was she?
“Susan, don’t run from this. It’s not just going to go away.”
Susan looked up and met her eyes. “Why do I get the impression that you’re practicing your counseling techniques?”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was.”
“I need a friend, Shawn. I don’t need a Goddamned therapist.” Susan regretted her words as soon as she said them. Shawn veiled her eyes, but not before Susan saw the hurt there. She silently cursed herself and the hormones that were running wild. PMS was always an excuse for being a bitch.
Their eyes met again and Susan’s begged to be forgiven. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That wasn’t fair. I know you’re trying to help.”
Shawn nodded but it was a long moment later before her eyes softened.
“I’ve got to get going, anyway. Alex has abundant energy this morning.”
Susan wanted to beg her not to go, but Shawn was already at the back door.
“Shawn?”
“I’ll see you later, Susan. I’m going to take Alex out for a hike.”
Before tears could well up again, Susan hurried into the bathroom and stripped off her clothes. Standing under the hot spray, she tried to understand why she had lashed out at Shawn for no apparent reason.
But she knew, didn’t she? She wanted to hide up here. She wanted to run from her life. And she knew that Shawn wouldn’t let her. But she was scared. And she had every right to be, she told herself. What did she know about living on her own? Shawn had been doing it since she was a kid, but Susan had always been taken care of by someone else. And she didn’t know what she was going to do.
Shawn followed Alex along the trail, trying in vain to forget about Susan. She was angrier with herself than she was with Susan. Susan was scared, Shawn knew that and she had no right to push her. Susan would eventually have to make a decision . . . or David would make it for her. Maybe that was what Susan was afraid of, that David would make yet another decision that would affect the rest of her life.
She stopped to let Alex swim and she took a long drink of water from her flask. It was a warm day and she wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. If she was to meet Lisa today, she supposed she would have to shower and be somewhat presentable. She hoped the ranger station had their showers opened. If not, a sponge bath would have to do.
Chapter Ten
“Mom! You look great!”
Susan returned Lisa’s hug enthusiastically. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“Your hair! Why didn’t you tell me?” Lisa demanded.
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Aunt Ruth’s gonna shit a brick when she sees you,” Lisa said with a laugh.
“She’s already shit one, I’m afraid. She and Grandma were up here last weekend.” Susan carried Lisa’s bag in one hand and wrapped her other arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “You’re getting taller.”
Lisa laughed. “You haven’t seen me in over a month. Besides, I think I’m past the growing stage.”
Susan tossed Lisa’s bag on the sofa before going through the kitchen and onto the deck. Lisa raised her arms to the sky and took a deep breath.
“I had forgotten how beautiful it was up here.” She pointed to the pot of geraniums that Susan had put out. “Getting domestic on me, Mom?”
“Do you think it’s too late for m
e?”
Lisa put her hands on her hips and studied her mother. “Better than having the yard man come and do the flowers, isn’t it?”
“I suppose.” Susan watched as Lisa studied her.
“Are you okay, Mom?”
“I’m much better than I was a month ago.” Then she smiled. “Actually, I feel great. Despite what your Aunt Ruth thinks.”
“And what does Aunt Ruth think? That you should go crawling back and beg for forgiveness?”
“Something like that.” Susan smiled at her daughter. “When did you get so grown up?”
Lisa gave her mother a lopsided grin. “Please. I’m nearly twenty.”
“Yes. Practically ancient,” Susan murmured. “Do you want some iced tea?”
“Herbal?”
Susan rolled her eyes. “Herbal?”
“Is it at least decaf?”
“Since when have you been concerned with your health?”
“I’m getting older. I have to take care of myself.”
Susan laughed at Lisa’s obvious seriousness. “Well, it’s not decaf. Hopefully this one time won’t hurt you.” At the kitchen door, she turned back to Lisa. “You haven’t become vegetarian, have you?”
“No. I’m saving that for my thirties.”
“Good. Because we’re having steak for dinner. I’ve invited a friend, too.”
“A friend?” Lisa hurried after her mother. “Like a guy friend?”
“No. Like a girl friend.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. I just don’t remember you ever doing something with a friend, other than, you know, the group doing the wine-tasting thing.”
“You’re right. And she’s definitely not from that group. I met her up here, actually.”
Lisa laughed. “Now you’re picking up strangers. What would Aunt Ruth think?”
Susan grinned. “She met her last weekend.” She handed Lisa the glass of tea. “What?”
“You’ve changed.”
Susan sighed. “Yes, I suppose I have.”
“I meant that in a good way, Mom. You seem . . . younger. I’m afraid to say it, but happier, too.”
Susan felt relieved. She had half expected Lisa to echo Ruth’s feelings, that she had changed so much, she didn’t even know her.
“Thanks. Ruth says I’ve changed too much.”
“Oh, shit, what does Aunt Ruth know?”
Susan grinned. “Two years ago you wouldn’t have dared to use that word in front of me.”
“Two years ago I was a kid.”
Susan laughed. “Oh, yeah, I forgot. You’re all grown up now.”
Shawn sat in her truck with the heater on, huddled in sweats. The showers were indeed unlocked and open. They failed to warn her that there was no hot water, however. Alex stood beside the door, a puzzled look on his face as he watched her through the window.
“I’m cold,” she said and he cocked his head. “Don’t act like you understand.”
He whined once, then lay down, still watching her.
She brushed her damp hair, then got out to finish dressing, hopping on one foot as she tried to put socks on.
“What are you looking at?” she asked Alex. She needed to hurry. It was after three and she knew Susan would be looking for her. She only hoped Susan’s mood had gotten better since that morning.
She traded her sweatpants for clean jeans and slipped into her worn Nikes. She still could not chase the chill away and made Alex suffer with the heater as she drove to Susan’s cabin.
“All right, already,” she mumbled as Alex climbed over her lap when she stopped.
She followed Alex around to the back and found Susan and Lisa on the deck.
“Shawn.”
Their eyes met and they both were surprised at what was conveyed by a single glance. You came. Did you think I wouldn’t? I’m sorry about earlier. Don’t worry about it.
Shawn pulled her gaze away and turned to Lisa. “I’m Shawn Weber. Nice to meet you.”
Lisa extended her hand and gripped Shawn’s firmly. “Lisa Sterling. Although you’re not what I pictured Mom’s new friend to look like.”
“Lisa!”
Shawn and Lisa laughed.
“Well, I was expecting your usual snooty country club type.”
Shawn grinned. “Definitely not country club material.” She raised her eyebrows at Susan. “Beer?”
“Please.”
“Lisa? You want a beer?”
“Oh, I don’t think she drinks . . .” Susan started, but Lisa quickly interrupted her.
“I’d love one.”
“You would?” Susan stared at her daughter. “Since when?”
“Oh, Mom, please. I’m nearly twenty.”
Shawn left them to argue. Lisa was not at all what she expected. There were no fancy clothes and makeup, no evidence of her country club upbringing. She favored Susan, although her hair was much darker and long and straight.
Shawn stopped and frowned, then shook her head. No, surely not. So Lisa dressed like a tomboy? Lots of girls did. And no makeup? Well, not every twenty-year-old was into makeup. But still, there was something there, something in her eyes when she’d looked at Shawn.
Shawn shrugged it off. She was overreacting. She pulled three beers from the ice and walked back, letting the issue drop. It wasn’t any of her business anyway.
“Here you go,” Shawn said, handing first Lisa, then Susan a beer.
“Mom says you’ve met Aunt Ruth.” Lisa smiled, showing even, white teeth. “That must have been exciting.”
Shawn laughed. “Yes. I haven’t gotten over it yet.”
“And neither has Ruth,” Susan said.
Shawn scooted her chair next to Susan’s and asked quietly, “Are you in a better mood?”
“I’m fine,” Susan whispered, her eyes telling Shawn not to bring it up in front of Lisa.
Shawn nodded and relaxed into her chair, crossing one ankle against her knee. She looked up, surprised to find Lisa’s eyes on her. She met the young woman’s gaze, her eyes asking Shawn all the questions she dared not, but Alex interrupted, laying a brand new tennis ball in Shawn’s lap.
“Where did you find this?” she demanded.
“I bought a can for him,” Susan confessed.
Shawn just shook her head and threw the ball into the forest. “Next thing you know, you’ll be picking up dog treats for him.”
Susan looked away guiltily, but not before Shawn saw the smirk on her face.
“What did you get?”
“Rawhides.”
“Susan, he’s spoiled rotten.”
“Not my fault, I assure you.”
“I didn’t know you liked dogs, Mom.” But Lisa’s eyes were on Shawn.
“Well, Alex doesn’t really know he’s a dog,” Susan explained.
“And how long have you known . . . Alex?”
Susan’s eyes met Shawn’s, not Lisa’s. “A month?”
Shawn nodded, her eyes flicking to Lisa.
“Shawn probably regrets the day,” Susan said to Lisa. “Let me get the charcoal going. You two visit.”
Shawn watched Susan until she disappeared into the kitchen, then turned her eyes to Lisa.
“You smoke?”
“Depends.”
Shawn put two cigarettes to her lips and lit them, handing one to Lisa without looking.
“You’re wondering about me and your mother, aren’t you?” Shawn finally asked.
“Yeah.” Lisa leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees as she lightly held the cigarette. “Does she know?”
“Know?”
“That you’re gay,” Lisa whispered, glancing quickly toward the door.
“Oh. Well, yeah, she knows,” Shawn said easily.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Cool.”
“Cool?”
“Well, not too many mothers hang with lesbians, you know.
”
Susan watched from the kitchen, her gasp stifled by her hand when Shawn handed Lisa a cigarette.
At least they’re talking, she thought. And smoking and drinking beer.
“I’m a horrible mother,” she murmured.
She walked out with the bag of charcoal, noting that the conversation immediately stopped.
“Steak okay, Shawn?”
“Of course.”
***
Susan went back inside, then turned, noting that the conversation had picked up again. She frowned. What could they possibly be discussing that they needed privacy?
“I have some gay friends.”
“Yeah?”
“A few,” Lisa said. She leaned forward again and spoke softly. “How did you know . . . that you were gay?”
“Well, all those things you were told you’d feel when you fell in love, I felt them with girls, not guys.” Shawn shrugged. “It was easier for me than most. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t freak out or anything. And I didn’t have a real close family. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide it from my parents. I didn’t think they’d care one way or the other.” They had their own problems, she added silently.
“Yeah, but weren’t you an outcast? I mean, that must have been ages ago.”
Shawn laughed. “I’m only thirty-three. It wasn’t that long ago, although I know things have changed. Your generation apparently doesn’t find the need to hide it like most of my friends did back then.”
“I guess. Some don’t, anyway.”
“Are your friends out?” Shawn watched Lisa’s eyes flick away in embarrassment.
“One is,” she said. “We’ve become good friends.”
Shawn nodded. She’d been around enough people struggling with secrets to know that Lisa needed to talk. However, she wasn’t certain how to approach the subject with her. Lisa would probably be afraid that Shawn would say something to her mother. She would never confide in Shawn if she were afraid.