by Gerri Hill
“Oh, of course, Shawn. It was . . . good to see you, too.”
Susan and Shawn exchanged amused glances, then Susan walked over and gave Shawn a quick hug.
“Thank you for staying,” she whispered.
“Your debt is piling up,” Shawn teased.
Susan stood at the front door and watched until Shawn and Alex rounded the corner, out of sight. She was aware of the emptiness she felt as she turned back to Ruth.
“I can’t imagine why you’re friends with that woman.”
“Why not? I enjoy being with Shawn.”
“Oh Susan, I don’t even know how to tell you this,” Ruth stated dramatically, fingers lightly touching her chest.
“Tell me what?” Susan poured herself a glass of wine and sat down opposite Ruth.
“Well, I don’t want to alarm you, what with you staying up here alone and all,” Ruth began.
“Ruth, for God’s sake, what are you talking about?”
“Shawn . . . I think she’s . . . one of those women,” Ruth finally hissed.
“Those women?”
“You know.” Ruth leaned across the table and whispered, “Homosexual.”
Susan laughed, then quickly covered her mouth at Ruth’s shocked expression. “I know she’s a lesbian, Ruth. We’ve talked about it.”
Ruth gasped. “You’ve talked about it?”
“Of course. We’re friends. We talk.”
“Friends? What can you possibly have in common with that . . . that woman?”
“I don’t know,” Susan said honestly. “We just clicked. I can tell her things that I wouldn’t dare tell another soul.” Susan paused for only a second before continuing. “Shawn doesn’t judge me and I don’t have to pretend with her.”
“Pretend? What does that mean?”
“That means I can be myself with her. My true self,” she added, tapping her own chest.
“And you’re not yourself around your family?” Ruth asked haughtily. “I hardly think you would find it easier to talk to her, a complete stranger, than you would Mother or me.”
Susan smiled, knowing Ruth was being completely sincere. Because of that, she didn’t want to hurt her feelings. “Ruth, maybe you and Mother are just too close, you know. Shawn has no idea what I was like twenty, ten, even five years ago. She only knows me now. So if I tell her my feelings, what I’m thinking, she’s not shocked, because she doesn’t know any different.”
“How can she possibly give you advice? She’s from another world.”
“Oh, Ruth. Don’t you see? She doesn’t give me advice. She just listens.”
They stared at each other for a long moment, then Ruth finally looked away.
“Well, you need to be careful with her,” Ruth said, her dislike of Shawn more pronounced than ever.
“Careful? What do you mean?”
Ruth gripped her wineglass in both hands before continuing. “Well, you’re up here all alone, emotionally vulnerable because of your marriage problems. Don’t think she hasn’t thought about it,” Ruth finished in a rush.
“Thought about what?” Susan was afraid of where this conversation was going. Surely Ruth wasn’t suggesting Shawn was interested in her?
“About seducing you. You would be easy prey. Women like her are like that, Susan.”
“For God’s sake, Ruth! We’re friends. I like her a lot. I don’t know how I would have survived this long if not for her. The fact that she’s a lesbian has not entered into our relationship.” Susan stood quickly, pushing her chair back against the counter. “You simply amaze me,” she said quietly.
Chapter Twelve
Shawn paced around the tent, hating the fact that she was even pacing at all. She glanced at her watch again and stopped. Not yet eleven. Maybe she would just drive by. Maybe Ruth had left already.
She looked at Alex and frowned. What had she done with her time before she met Susan? And why couldn’t she seem to find that same peace as before?
Because she had come to care about Susan, she realized. And she worried about her. And, well, she just enjoyed being around her. Even if it meant enduring Ruth for an evening, Shawn would rather be there with Susan than sitting by her campfire alone. It wasn’t any sort of attraction, she told herself. She simply enjoyed Susan’s company more than anyone else’s. Including her own, apparently.
“Oh, the hell with it,” she muttered. “Come on, Alex.”
She drove slowly, taking the time to admire the scenery. The giant sequoias down in Grant Grove were visible from here, but most of the trees around Susan’s cabin were cedars mixed with spruce, fir, and pines. If Ruth’s car was still there, she could always drive to the Grove and walk the trail around the giant trees. But she breathed a big sigh of relief when she saw only Susan’s car at the cabin.
Susan had the door opened before Shawn could knock. They stood staring, smiles lighting their faces.
“You’re early,” Susan accused.
“Do you mind?”
“Of course not! I’ve been waiting. Ruth left before ten.”
Shawn laughed. “Let me guess. You got up at the crack of dawn and started breakfast?”
“Ruth is impossible.” Susan wanted to tell Shawn about Ruth’s fears, but she was afraid Shawn would think Susan was the one with the fears.
“What happened? Did she want to drag you back down to David?”
“That, too.” Susan spread her hands and smiled. “She warned me about you.”
“Warned you?”
Their eyes met and Susan nodded slowly.
“That I might be . . . dangerous?”
“Something like that.”
Shawn stared silently at her for a moment, both eyebrows raised. “Do you think I’m dangerous?”
Susan was surprised to see a hint of doubt in Shawn’s eyes.
“You’re not seriously asking me that question, Shawn Weber.”
Shawn simply dipped her head to one side. “Do you?”
Susan knew Shawn was teasing with her, so she couldn’t resist teasing back. She raised one eyebrow seductively and asked, “Are you dangerous, Shawn?”
Shawn grinned. “I’m extremely dangerous,” she whispered, then wiggled her eyebrows at Susan and grinned, as they both broke into fits of laughter.
“But seriously,” Shawn continued. “Susan, I would never . . .”
“I know, Shawn. That’s just Ruth talking. She doesn’t understand our friendship.” Susan walked to Shawn and gripped both her forearms hard. “I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met you. You’ve been a lifesaver.”
Shawn didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing.
Susan let her hands slip slowly from Shawn. “I often wonder what you’re getting out of all this.”
“Company. Friendship.” Shawn looked away, her voice quiet. “I don’t have a lot of friends.”
“You don’t ever let anyone get close enough, do you?”
Shawn shrugged. “It’s safer that way.”
Susan grinned, trying to lighten the mood. “You’re so attractive, Shawn. Surely you’ve got women groveling over you,” she teased.
Shawn turned away, embarrassed. She was actually blushing.
“Those women aren’t exactly what I’d call friends,” Shawn finally conceded.
Susan stopped her teasing and reached out again for Shawn’s arm. “You’re a wonderful person, Shawn. Thank you for letting me get close.”
Their eyes locked.
Shawn cleared her throat. “Now. What about that hike?”
Susan smiled at Shawn’s quick change of subject, but let it go.
“I made lunch. Sandwiches for the three of us, some fruit and granola.” Susan moved to the refrigerator and peered inside. “I’ve got juice,” she offered.
“Three?”
“Well . . . Alex.” Susan turned her back on Shawn and ignored her protest that Alex did not need a sandwich for lunch.
After much arguing over how far Susan could h
ike, they settled on the Fire Lookout Trail. It was heavily wooded and steep at the beginning, but leveled out quickly and they enjoyed the views as they rounded the mountain, making their way to the old lookout tower.
“You’re going too fast,” Susan complained.
“Too fast? You’re stopping to take pictures every five minutes. How fast is that?”
“Are we racing?”
“We’re exercising.”
“You’re trying to kill me.”
Shawn stopped, her laughter echoing through the forest. She turned to Susan, hands on her hips, and grinned. “You’re doing great. You hardly broke a sweat.”
“Don’t start with me,” Susan warned. “I won’t be able to get out of bed tomorrow.”
“It’s an easy hike.”
“I’m old,” she complained.
“You’re not old. You’re just . . . out of shape,” Shawn said as gently as possible.
“What are you saying?”
Shawn spread her hands, eyebrows raised.
“Are you saying that my weekly tennis matches were not enough?”
“Followed by a martini or two?”
Susan groaned. “All right. You win.”
Shawn laughed and playfully ruffled Susan’s hair. “You’re really not that out of shape.”
“Look at you, you’re not even winded.”
“I do this every weekend. I also jog in the evenings.” Shawn fished the tennis ball out of her pack and threw it to Alex, who had been waiting patiently between them.
“I hate you,” Susan muttered.
“Now, Susan, is that any way to talk to company?” Shawn teased, trying her best to mimic Ruth.
“You are so bad!” But she shoved away from the tree she had been resting against and started up the trail again. “Are you going to carry me down if I pass out?”
“Of course,” Shawn said easily and fell into step beside Susan. “I’ll throw you over my shoulder.”
Once they reached the fire tower, they leaned against the legs of the old structure, enjoying the endless views of the distant mountains and valley below them.
“I put mustard and mayo on both,” Susan explained. “Except on Alex’s. He got mayo only.”
Shawn stared at her. “I can’t believe you made him a sandwich.”
“He’s got to eat, too.” Susan bit into her sandwich and moaned with delight. “I’m starving.”
“Dogs don’t require three meals a day, you know.” Shawn bit into her own sandwich, enjoying the crunch of the lettuce and sprouts. “Delicious,” she murmured.
Shawn watched as Susan carefully unwrapped Alex’s sandwich and tore it in half. He waited patiently beside her, his eyes never leaving Susan and she handed him one half. He swallowed it in one bite.
“See? He’s practically starving to death.”
“He’s a pig.”
“You don’t feed him enough.”
Shawn sighed. She would never win this argument with Susan. Alex managed two bites with the other half of his sandwich, then he proceeded to beg Susan for the rest of hers.
“He’s simply adorable, you know that,” Susan said, and she tore off a corner of her bread.
“You’ve spoiled him rotten, Susan. I can’t control him during the week,” Shawn complained.
“Oh, please.” Susan turned and their eyes met. Then Susan grinned. “Humor me. I never had a dog. I’m making up for lost time.”
“Never?”
Susan shook her head. “Mother had a poodle, but he died when I was still a kid. We never got another one.”
“You didn’t have a pet for Lisa?”
“Dave always said it would be too much trouble to have a dog,” Susan said quietly. “Of course, Lisa begged for one anyway. She got a hamster instead.”
“Well, they’re practically the same thing,” Shawn murmured.
They both laughed.
Shawn turned when she found Susan staring at her.
“You’re so good for me, Shawn. I can’t imagine what I would have done this summer if I hadn’t met you.”
Shawn turned away, embarrassed. She should be thanking Susan. Instead of spending lonely weekends after lonely weeks, Shawn now had something to look forward to—Susan’s company.
Susan watched Shawn, again thinking how attractive she was. Why was she spending her weekends up here with her, anyway?
“Shawn, why aren’t you seeing someone?”
Shawn stopped chewing and stared at Susan. “Where did that come from?”
Susan shrugged, but didn’t let it go. “Why not?”
“I go out occasionally,” Shawn admitted. “In fact, I’m going to San Francisco next weekend.”
“You are? Like on a date?”
Shawn raised her eyebrows mischievously. “I might get lucky.”
Susan laughed. “Well, I hope you’ll share details. It’s been a while for me, you know.”
On the way back down the trail, Susan tried to understand her sudden depression. It was jealously, she knew. She had gotten used to Shawn being around. She had gotten used to Shawn always being here for her. Knowing that she wouldn’t see her next weekend, knowing that Shawn was going to see some woman in San Francisco instead, would make for a very long week. She realized she didn’t want to share Shawn with anyone else.
Chapter Thirteen
Shawn was helping Allison with payroll on Wednesday when Terri stuck her head in the office.
“There’s a call for you, Shawn. Line two.”
At Shawn’s blank look, Terri shook her head. “Yes, you. Just someone asking if you work here.”
Shawn nodded. No one ever called her here. Maybe Susan?
“Shawn Weber, how can I help you?”
“Shawn, it’s Lisa. Lisa Sterling.”
“Lisa? What’s wrong?” she asked immediately.
“Nothing. I . . . I was wondering if maybe we could get together. Have dinner or something?”
Shawn paused, her mind racing. “Is everything okay? Susan?”
“Everything’s fine. I just . . . need to talk,” Lisa said quietly.
“Of course,” Shawn said, a bit relieved. “Why don’t you come to my house? We’ll order pizza and talk in private,” Shawn offered.
“You sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course not.”
Shawn hung up after giving Lisa directions to her house. She was lost in thought when Allison finally tapped her on the shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
“Hmm?” At Allison’s concerned look, Shawn shook her head. “A friend. It’s fine.”
But Shawn spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about Lisa and what she most likely wanted to talk about. She had a moment of panic and considered calling Susan. But what would she say—I think your daughter is gay and is about to out herself to me? Susan had enough on her mind without Shawn adding to it. No, she would just have to handle this by herself.
She left work an hour early. Her house was a mess, for one thing, but she wanted to get in her afternoon run and Alex got very cranky if they missed. She picked up the newspapers on her way through the living room, then let Alex inside. He immediately jumped on her and pressed his wet nose to her face.
“Missed you, too.” She hugged him, then went about their normal routine of Alex begging for a treat and Shawn insisting that he was fat enough, only to finally give in. “Spoiled rotten,” she murmured. “But we won’t tell Susan about this.”
She lived only a few blocks from the hike and bike trail and Alex waited patiently as she tied her shoes and searched for his leash. They walked quickly down the sidewalk, Shawn waving at familiar faces. She didn’t know many of their names, but after two years, most of her neighbors were used to seeing the woman and dog make this trip to the park.
But the normal peace she found while jogging eluded her today. She was concerned about Lisa, she was afraid she might tell Lisa the wrong thing, give the wrong advice. And Susan was surely going to blame Shawn for
whatever happened. One part of her said that Susan had every right to be told what was going on, but the other part of her knew how very hard this must be for Lisa and that Lisa needed to be the one to decide when to talk to her mother.
Shawn had just opened a beer when the doorbell rang. She walked to the door in bare feet, her hair still damp from her shower. Lisa stood there, her hands locked together tightly. She gave Shawn a nervous smile, but said nothing.
Shawn’s heart went out to the young woman and she smiled reassuringly.
“Good to see you again, Lisa. Come on in.”
“Thanks for letting me come over. I know it was short notice.”
“I rarely have plans in the evenings. This is a nice break.” Shawn held up the beer. “Want one?”
“No, better not. Coke?”
“Of course. Let’s go on the patio. I could use a cigarette.”
Lisa sighed. “Me, too.”
After a few minutes of small talk, mostly Lisa inquiring about Susan, Shawn finally broke the ice.
“Are you going to tell me or should I just guess why you’re here?”
Lisa covered her face with both hands. “I didn’t know who else to talk to about this,” she murmured behind her hands.
Shawn waited until Lisa finally uncovered her face. “I’m a good listener,” Shawn offered. “And it always helps to say things out loud.”
“You already know, don’t you?” Lisa whispered.
Shawn nodded.
“How did you know? I wasn’t even sure myself.”
“Why don’t you tell me about it?”
“I met her in a study group,” Lisa began. “Everyone knows she’s gay, she never tried to hide it. She’s very popular, bright and everybody wants to study with her. Nobody’s got a problem with her, you know? We’re all friends. But she started asking me to do stuff without the group. Movies, pizza, stuff like that.”
Shawn nodded, but said nothing.
“I liked her, I enjoyed being around her and we never talked about her being a . . . a lesbian.” Lisa stood and walked to the edge of the patio, her back to Shawn. “But I started getting these feelings whenever I was around her. And all I wanted to do was be around her.”
Lisa sat down again and rested her elbows on her thighs. “This past Saturday, we rented some movies and stayed at her apartment.” Lisa visibly swallowed before continuing. “We were lying on the floor and I couldn’t even concentrate on the movie. I was just so aware of her,” she said quietly. “It wasn’t until that moment that I realized what I was feeling was sexual attraction. And it wasn’t until that night that I found out she was feeling it, too.”