Dawn of Change

by Gerri Hill

  The sound of a car door slamming brought their eyes together. Shawn saw a touch of fear there and she offered a reassuring smile. Susan returned it briefly, then reached out and squeezed Shawn’s hand.

  “I’m glad you’re here.”

  She already knows, Shawn thought. And she’s prepared.

  Mother and daughter’s hug was longer than normal, then Lisa turned to Shawn and included her, too.

  “Wow! What did you do? Cut two feet off your hair?” Shawn rubbed Lisa’s hair, cut nearly as short as Shawn’s.

  “Probably more. Do you like it?” Lisa posed for both Shawn and her mother.

  “Yeah, but I’m partial to short hair.”

  “Mom?”

  Susan smiled warmly at her daughter. For nineteen years, her hair had reached below her shoulders, some years nearly to her waist. Lisa was changing in more ways than one.

  “I love it,” she said sincerely and was rewarded with another hug from Lisa.

  “Did you come up last night?” Lisa asked Shawn.

  “No. Just got here.” She raised her coffee cup. “First one.”

  “Do you want a cup, Lisa?”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  When Susan left them, Lisa whispered, “She knows, doesn’t she?”

  Shawn nodded.

  “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “No, it’s not. Susan loves you. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. Let her share this part of your life with you, Lisa.”

  Susan stood at the door, watching as Shawn gripped Lisa’s arms, no doubt pleading with her about something. Lisa’s scared to tell me, she thought. Shawn’s telling her it’s okay. She smiled sadly. How would she and Lisa muddle through this if Shawn weren’t here? Would they make more small talk about her hair? Would they gossip about Ruth? Would lunch come and go without them broaching the subject that was on both their minds?

  A part of her wished for those very things.

  Then Shawn looked up and caught her staring. She swallowed the lump that had formed, seeing understanding in Shawn’s eyes. And something more.

  After taking a deep breath, she made herself move. She kept a smile on her face, as forced as it may have been, and hoped her tone was light.

  “Shawn, I didn’t offer you another cup.”

  “I’m fine. Actually, I think I’ll go look for a place to put the tent up tonight.”

  “Stay here tonight.” Susan knew it sounded more like a plea than an offer, but she didn’t care. She would need Shawn to be here, she was certain.

  “Lisa’s going to stay.” Shawn thought they would need time together, but Susan’s eyes captured her own and she recognized the near panic there.

  “I may not,” Lisa said.

  “Please?” Susan resorted to the whispered plea she knew Shawn could not refuse. Shawn’s eyes warmed instantly and again Susan felt a tightening in her chest.

  “I’ll stay, then.” Relief replaced panic and Susan finally released Shawn.

  The silence grew between them and Shawn wanted to simply fade into the background. She was about to offer an excuse of unpacking her truck when Lisa spoke.

  “Mom? You want to . . . maybe take a walk or something?”

  Susan’s mind screamed NO, she wanted no such thing, but she bravely nodded. She turned back once, looking for reassurance from Shawn, but Shawn had already left them.

  She turned to Lisa and the look of fear in her eyes nearly broke her heart. She smiled and linked arms with Lisa, trying to offer any support she could.

  “There’s something I need to talk to you about,” Lisa started.

  “Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you, too.”

  They both smiled and Lisa relaxed. “You go first,” she offered.

  “I went to see an attorney,” Susan said.

  “Divorce?”

  “Yeah. What do you think?”

  Lisa shrugged. “What does Dad say?”

  “I haven’t told him, although I’m sure Ruth has.”

  “Well, it’s really your decision, isn’t it? I mean, regardless of what they think, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Mom, are you sure? It’s kinda quick, isn’t it?”

  “Almost three months.” Susan draped one arm across Lisa’s shoulders and squeezed. “But I’m sure, Lisa. He’ll always be your father, but that’s all he’ll be to me.” Then she said, almost to herself, “I’m still young. There can be a whole new beginning to my life.”

  Susan paused, then turned Lisa to face her. “Now, what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “Oh, well, it’s really not that important,” Lisa said nervously.

  Susan gently tipped Lisa’s chin up. “It is important, Lisa.”

  “You already know, don’t you?” Lisa managed before tears closed up her throat completely.

  Susan gathered Lisa in her arms. “Yes, I know, honey.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Lisa whispered. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  Susan pushed Lisa away. “You listen to me. I love you, no matter what. You have nothing to be sorry for, Lisa.”

  “I didn’t know how to tell you or even if I should. But Shawn said I shouldn’t hide this from you.”

  “Shawn was right.” Susan again draped an arm across Lisa’s shoulders and they walked on slowly. A thousand questions formed in Susan’s mind and she didn’t know where to begin. Finally, “When did you know, Lisa?”

  At first, Susan was afraid that Lisa wasn’t going to answer, then she cleared her throat before speaking.

  “In high school, I guess. But I wasn’t ready to admit it. I thought maybe it would go away.”

  “But it hasn’t. You’re sure?”

  Lisa smiled. “I’m sure.”

  “And . . . Sheri?” Susan asked hesitantly.

  “Yes.”

  “Have you . . . well, have you and Sheri . . .”

  “Yes.”

  “I see.” Susan felt her face flush as she pictured her daughter locked in an intimate embrace with another girl.

  “Mom, I know you don’t understand this, but . . .”

  “I know you think I’m old and come from the Dark Ages, Lisa, but I do understand. And now that Shawn has come into my life, I understand a lot more. I want you to be happy, honey.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Now, your father and Aunt Ruth, that’s a whole different story.”

  Their laughter relaxed them both, then Lisa gave her mother a fierce hug. “I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too.”

  “Shawn’s probably pacing by now. We should go back.”

  “Probably. I take it she knew you were going to tell me this.”

  “I called her this week. We talked about it.”

  “Oh? You called her?” Shawn would pay for that little lie.

  “Yes. I hope you don’t mind, Mom, but I needed to talk to someone and Shawn’s been the greatest.”

  Susan nodded. Yes, Shawn’s always there when they need her. And pacing, indeed. They found her walking from side to side on the deck. Her eyes flew to Susan, silently asking if she was okay. Susan suddenly felt near tears at the look of concern on Shawn’s face.

  “I’m going to take a shower and put on some shorts, if that’s okay,” Lisa told her mother. “I just kinda got up and left this morning.”

  “Of course.” Susan didn’t miss the quick touch on the arm as Lisa passed by Shawn.

  “Can I get you something?” Shawn finally asked.

  Susan let out her breath slowly and shook her head. “I’m just going to sit, I think.”

  She slid the chair into the sun and sat down with a heavy sigh. She felt, rather than heard, Shawn move behind her and she closed her eyes. Two gentle hands rubbed her shoulders soothingly, then moved to her neck, knowing instinctively where the knot would be.

  Susan’s head bent forward slightly and Shawn moved her hands into Susan’s hair, gently massaging her scalp. The deep moan that Susan uttered cause
d Shawn’s pulse to quicken and she swallowed back the desire that threatened. With a shake of her head, her hands returned to Susan’s shoulders and she felt the muscles relax beneath her fingers.

  It felt too good, too right. Sensations completely foreign to Susan traveled through her body, causing her pulse to beat a little too fast and she was frightened by what she was feeling. She covered her arms, trying to hide the goosebumps that had formed there at Shawn’s gentle touch. Then Shawn’s hands returned to her shoulders and she made herself relax. It was just a backrub, nothing more.

  When Lisa opened the door a short time later, Susan expected Shawn to pull away. Perhaps it was her own guilt showing, but Shawn gave Susan’s shoulders one last squeeze then nonchalantly pulled a second chair out into the sun for Lisa.

  “Backrubs are free this morning,” she offered Lisa.

  “I see you almost put Mom to sleep.”

  Susan rolled her head lazily to the side, finally daring to meet Shawn’s eyes. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

  “My pleasure.” Then she grinned. “I’m making lunch, by the way.”

  Susan laughed. “You’re going to cook?”

  “What’s so funny?” Shawn demanded.

  “Oh, how about the fact that you can’t cook?”

  “You can’t cook?” Lisa asked.

  Shawn gave Lisa her best scowl. “I can get by.” She then walked confidently off the deck, not looking back. She only hoped the lasagna turned out. She had heard the advertisement on the radio the week before. “We make. You bake.” How hard could it be? Pop it in the oven for an hour and eat.

  As it turned out, she had a little help with lunch. Susan insisted on garlic bread and Lisa insisted they eat on the deck. The picnic table was soon covered with a red and white checked tablecloth and Shawn watched as Susan expertly placed plates, napkins and utensils in their proper place. Then she and Susan argued over which bottle of wine would go best with the lasagna. Susan won that argument while Lisa watched from the sidelines.

  It wasn’t until Lisa brought up Sheri that Shawn noticed the tension returning to Susan’s face.

  “I want to spend the Fourth with you, but I want Sheri to be welcomed, too.”

  “Aunt Ruth will be here. So will your grandparents,” Susan warned.

  “So, you don’t want me to come?”

  “Of course I want you to come. I think your cousins will be here, too.”

  Lisa laughed. “Oh, now that’s tempting.”

  “Do you . . . do you plan to tell everyone?”

  Shawn watched the exchange silently. For all Susan’s brave words, it was still unsettling to have a gay daughter.

  “I don’t plan to make a major announcement, if that’s what you mean. Mom, I just want to be with her, you know? I want to spend the day with her, too.”

  “Of course. I’m sorry. Here I am, more concerned with what the family will be thinking than what you want. And they’ll find out soon enough, I suppose.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  Lisa left soon after lunch. Shawn and a silent Susan stood in the driveway and watched her drive off. As soon as the car was out of sight, Susan moved into Shawn’s arms without thinking, knowing they would close around her and offer comfort.

  Shawn gently cradled Susan’s head, wanting nothing more than to take away the hurt. Her eyes closed as she stroked Susan’s hair, and she felt Susan’s wet tears run down her neck.

  Susan pressed her face into Shawn’s neck and her tears fell silently. She wasn’t crying because of any particular emotion. Rather, she realized she was grieving for a life now gone. Her marriage. And her daughter’s childhood.

  “Don’t cry, please,” Shawn whispered into Susan’s hair. “I can’t stand it when you cry.”

  “I’m okay,” Susan mumbled against Shawn’s throat, breathing deeply. She slid her arms completely around Shawn’s waist and rested heavily against her, trusting Shawn to support her.

  “Do you want to talk?”

  “No,” she murmured.

  Susan finally pulled out of Shawn’s arms, away from her comfort, but she couldn’t meet her eyes. She was embarrassed but knew Shawn wouldn’t expect an apology.

  But Shawn wouldn’t let her off the hook that easily. She cupped Susan’s chin in one hand and forced her head up, not speaking until Susan finally met her eyes.

  “It’ll take some time.”

  Susan nodded.

  “She needs you to support her right now. Don’t make her choose between you and Sheri.”

  “I wouldn’t. I just don’t want her to be hurt and who knows what Ruth is going to say to her.”

  “Knowing Lisa, she’ll give it right back.”

  This made Susan smile and Shawn released her.

  “Now, how about a hike? I think we both have some lasagna we need to work off.”

  “Did I tell you how good it was? You’re a very good cook,” Susan teased.

  “You should be ashamed for doubting me.”

  They both avoided the subject of Lisa during the hike, but by the time they returned to the cabin, Susan had grown increasingly quiet. Shawn missed their normal teasing banter, but left Susan alone with her thoughts. Like she’d said, it would take some time.

  With dark approaching, they sat on the deck and Susan watched as Shawn put two cigarettes between her lips and lit them. She reached for hers gratefully, silently. Then, without asking, she went to Shawn’s truck and brought back two beers.

  Their silence was relaxing and Susan sighed, her eyes sliding shut. It had been a day she had been dreading, yet expecting for weeks. But she was glad it was done with. And it wasn’t as if it had been a great shock. She’d had several weeks to get used to the idea of having a gay daughter. She wondered if Lisa suspected how much Shawn had told her.

  “You okay?” Shawn asked quietly.

  “Yeah.”

  Silence again.

  “Will you sleep with me tonight?”

  Shawn nearly choked on her beer. “Excuse me?”

  “I don’t want to be alone,” Susan explained quietly.

  Shawn nodded. “All right.”

  Susan wore the same long T-shirt as before and Shawn intentionally kept her eyes away from Susan’s exposed legs. She had shed her shorts, but dutifully kept her T-shirt on. Sleeping in the nude was something she had gotten used to years ago, but she would suffer through the confines of a shirt tonight.

  “Your hair is still wet,” Susan observed. “I’ve got a blow dryer.”

  Shawn ran her fingers through her hair. “Just damp. It’ll dry.”

  Susan turned out the light without another word. She silently moved into Shawn’s arms without asking and closed her eyes when those same arms closed around her. She ignored the pounding in her chest and her sudden shortness of breath, instead seeking out the comfort that she craved tonight.

  Shawn held Susan tightly, trying to stifle the desire that threatened. Susan needed her, trusted her. But as a friend, nothing more. And if this was all that Shawn could have, it was enough. Susan’s friendship meant more to her than anything and her arms involuntarily tightened. She would not betray that trust by trying to turn their friendship into something more, something that Susan obviously didn’t, couldn’t want.

  Susan breathed deeply, smelling the scent that was uniquely Shawn’s mixed with the faint smell of soap. She sighed, trying not to think about the soft body beneath her head. How had it come to this? Was there a time in her life that she could imagine seeking comfort in another woman’s arms? It didn’t matter anyway. Shawn would never do anything inappropriate. She could count on that.

  But then, who determined what was inappropriate?

  Shawn held Susan until her even breathing spoke of sleep. Susan’s body was limp in her arms and she gently rolled Susan over, pulling the covers over them both. She was much more likely to get sleep with Susan out of her arms.

  Susan woke once and found herself curled against Shawn, her arm draped across
Shawn’s flat stomach as if she slept this way every night. She realized that the soft pillow under her head was Shawn’s breast and she trembled. She should move, she told herself, but her eyes slid closed again and she let out a heavy sigh. In a minute, she thought.

  The unfamiliar weight against her back caused Susan to stir and she let out a contented sigh. She was on her side, facing the wall, but Shawn was pressed against her, her arm wrapped securely across Susan’s waist. She could feel Shawn’s breasts pressed against her back and her breath caught in her throat. Eyes now wide open, the stir-rings of sexual desire ran through her and she felt her body tremble with need, want. She struggled to get her emotions under control.

  “Shawn,” she whispered.

  She rolled slowly onto her back, hoping Shawn would wake and roll over, too. But Shawn’s arm remained, raking across Susan’s breast as she rolled under it. The quick moan escaped before Susan could stop it and her breasts ached for attention.

  She looked at Shawn and saw her eyes open slowly. They locked together and Susan watched as Shawn’s eyes darkened. Then she moved, pulling her hand away from Susan’s breast and stretching as if she’d had the greatest night’s sleep in months.

  “Looks like you were hogging the bed again,” Shawn murmured.

  Susan saw that, indeed, they had been sleeping on only half of the bed.

  “Sorry.”

  “Mmmm.”

  Shawn rolled away from Susan and within seconds was fast asleep, leaving Susan wide awake and wondering. Was she the only one feeling this . . . desire? Shawn acted totally unaffected and Susan thought she should be glad, but . . . still, she wondered.

  They had a late breakfast and lingered over another cup of coffee before Shawn finally took her leave.

  “Will you come up next weekend?”

  “The Fourth? You’re going to have a house full, Susan. Of family.”

  Susan grinned. “You don’t want that torture, I take it?”

  Actually, after last night, Shawn thought they needed a break. Or at least, she needed a break. Her feelings were all over the place and she needed to put some space between her and Susan.

  “I think I’ll stay away from the crowds,” Shawn said. “Maybe take in the fireworks in town or something.”

  Susan felt oddly disappointed, but knew Shawn was right. She would have a house full of company and she wouldn’t have any spare time for Shawn.