by Gerri Hill
“You take what you can get. I’m not a young woman anymore, Susan. I don’t have that sense of independence that you seem to have.”
“I’m not going to be in a loveless marriage for the sake of security, Ruth. I haven’t been happy in our marriage for a long time. And obviously, neither has Dave. I’m not going to settle. And thank God, my entire life will no longer revolve around Dave and the country club.”
“That’s the way we were brought up, Susan. Provide a home for the husband while he works to take care of you.” Her voice lowered, “Do you think our own father never had affairs?”
“I’m sure he did. But unlike you and Mother, I can’t just ignore it. I can’t live like that, Ruth. I have more pride.”
“It’s all I know,” she said sadly.
Susan finally understood why Ruth had been coming up the mountain so much this summer. Franklin wasn’t there for her and Susan’s marital problems were as good an excuse as any to leave home. Ruth simply didn’t want to be by herself.
“I’m sorry.” Susan didn’t know what else to say. Any advice she could offer Ruth would be dismissed with a wave of her hand. She still had her children, but Susan suspected they didn’t involve Ruth in their life as much as Ruth pretended.
“It’s of my choosing.” Ruth sighed. “But I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything to Mother. She knows, of course, but we don’t discuss it.”
Susan nodded, wishing they would be as considerate of her own affairs.
Their mother joined them and the conversation shifted to less personal things. Susan was thankful. She let her mind drift as Ruth and Mother discussed the country club and other people that Susan wasn’t concerned with anymore. It was from another life, she knew now. She couldn’t see herself going back to it. She wanted to go forward. A new life. A new beginning with endless possibilities.
It was nearly eleven o’clock when they were cleaning up from breakfast and Susan still had not heard a sound from Shawn. She was normally such an early riser that Susan was beginning to worry. She opened the bedroom door quietly and peeked inside.
Shawn lay in a tangled mass of covers, one long leg sticking out, the other hidden from Susan’s gaze. For some reason, the sight of Shawn in her bed, clutching Susan’s pillow, caused her breath to catch and she hugged herself tightly.
She should have left, but her feet moved of their own accord toward the bed. In sleep, Shawn looked so peaceful, so content. The lines of worry that had framed her face last night were gone. Susan sat down on the side of the bed, and her eyes strayed to Shawn’s lips, which were parted slightly, invitingly and Susan let herself imagine kissing them.
“Hey.”
Her gaze left Shawn’s lips and found brown eyes on her, still heavy with sleep.
“You okay?” Susan whispered. Before she could stop herself, her hand reached out and gently brushed the hair lying haphazardly across Shawn’s forehead. “Are you?”
“Better.” Then Shawn leaned up on both elbows. “What time is it?”
“Eleven.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I guess because I thought you needed to sleep.”
Shawn sat up completely and ran hands through tousled hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stay in so long.”
Susan clutched her hands together, this time resisting the urge to brush at Shawn’s hair. “You probably got no sleep the night before.”
Shawn reached out and took one of Susan’s hands. “Thank you for last night. I’m sorry I was so . . .”
“Don’t be sorry,” Susan said quickly. “You can’t be strong all the time, Shawn. It’s okay to need someone. I’ve needed you so many times, I’m just glad I could be here for you.”
Shawn nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Susan’s hand was soft in her own and she was disappointed when Susan finally pulled it away.
“I’m making sandwiches. We’re going on a short hike for lunch and I’d really like for you to go with us.”
“Okay. Give me a minute. I’m sure I look like hell.”
Susan let her gaze drift over disorderly hair, sleepy eyes and soft lips. Susan thought she looked like heaven.
Chapter Twenty-Two
It wasn’t until they were starting dinner when Susan finally found herself alone in the kitchen that she allowed her thoughts to drift to Shawn. They had been together all day, yet they had not had one moment alone. Either Ruth or Mother was always underfoot. But Shawn seemed more like her old self—intentionally baiting Ruth just to get a reaction, whispered words that were meant for Susan’s ears only, amused glances when she thought the others weren’t looking.
And mentioning her blind date in San Francisco! Susan laughed. She had thought that Ruth would have a stroke right there. But it was Mother who had finally asked if she was dating anyone. One quick look Susan’s way, then a shrug. “Not really.” What exactly did that mean, Susan wondered?
She finished washing the potatoes, then put them in the oven to bake. She should really go out and rescue Shawn. God only knew what Ruth and Mother were talking to her about.
“And so you’ve always been this way?”
“Mother!”
But Shawn laughed, her eyes dancing with amusement at Susan’s wide-eyed stare at her mother.
“It’s not contagious, Gayle.”
“Well, I’ve just never met one before.”
“Mother, please!”
Shawn pulled out a chair for Susan close to her own and beckoned her to sit. “It’s okay,” she said quietly. “At least we’re talking.”
Susan held her gaze, amazed at this woman. Just last night, she had been in tears, clinging to Susan as if her life depended on it. Now, discussing her sex life with Susan’s mother as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
“At least,” Susan murmured. “Do you want something to drink?”
“I was just about to get us a beer.”
Susan watched her walk away, her stride again confident and sure. And that walk. Susan blushed. She had no business looking at her as she did, but her eyes remained locked on her until Shawn rounded the corner. She cleared her throat, only to find Ruth watching her intently.
“Shawn’s been much more talkative today.”
“Maybe because you’ve been talking to her more. She’s really a very nice person, Ruth. Give her a chance.”
“Did you know that her parents are both dead?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“That’s a shame. She’s so young.”
When Shawn came back and handed Susan her beer, Susan smiled warmly at her. At least Shawn was making an effort. Maybe Ruth would follow suit.
Susan let Shawn take over with the grill and found herself watching Shawn again, the way she stood, the way her brow creased when she was concentrating. When her gaze dropped to Shawn’s breasts, though, she made herself stop. This was getting out of hand . . . this attraction she had. What exactly was it she wanted from Shawn? Did she even know herself?
During dinner, Susan often felt Shawn’s eyes on her. Once, she looked just as Shawn was pulling her gaze away and Susan could have sworn Shawn had been looking at her breasts. Did Shawn have a memory of touching her last night? Susan felt the flush move up her body and she was suddenly warm. She reached for her wine and noticed that her fingers trembled. How would she get through another night with Shawn sharing her bed?
But Shawn was all business. She helped clean the kitchen, then made an early exit to shower. By the time Susan went into the bedroom, Shawn was already under the covers.
“Asleep?” Susan whispered.
“About there,” Shawn murmured.
“Sorry.”
Susan undressed quickly, then quietly shut the bathroom door. She hurried through her shower, not even pretending as to why. But when she crawled under the covers, Shawn was already asleep. She thought it was just as well.
So she lay back, carefully avoiding any contact with Shawn, and closed her eyes, letting Shawn’s even breathi
ng lull her to sleep.
But it was the gentle stroking on her cheek that woke her. Her eyes opened and she looked into warm brown ones staring back at her in the early morning light.
“Hey.”
Susan lifted her head away from Shawn’s breast, wondering when she had discarded her pillow for Shawn. Then she became aware of the tangle of bare arms and legs and her eyes flew to Shawn’s again. She was lying practically on top of Shawn.
“Sorry,” she murmured.
Shawn’s breath was only a whisper. “No.”
Then Shawn’s hand reached out and cupped her cheek softly and Susan leaned into it, all the while never breaking eye contact with Shawn. She trembled when Shawn’s thumb raked across her lips and with a soft moan, her lips parted. She felt as if in a dream, a delicious dream, and her teeth bit gently at Shawn’s finger. When her tongue would have followed suit, Shawn pulled away slowly.
“Susan . . .”
“I’m sorry,” Susan whispered. But she watched as Shawn’s eyes left hers and settled on her lips and she wasn’t sorry at all. She longed for those lips to touch her own.
Shawn’s hand came back to her, her thumb again caressing her cheek, moving lightly over Susan’s lips. Susan saw desire in Shawn’s eyes . . . desire and fear. Then Shawn’s head bent, lips only inches from her own.
“Shawn . . . please,” she murmured.
“No,” Shawn whispered.
Susan became aware of her uneven breathing, of the desire she no longer could hide, of her hands digging into Shawn’s shoulders. She wanted to beg Shawn to kiss her. She tugged slightly on Shawn’s shoulders, bringing them closer still, so close she could nearly feel Shawn’s lips on her own. Then other sounds came to her. Shawn’s own rapid breathing, her eyes, now nearly black with desire. Then other sounds intruding. Someone in the kitchen, someone in the spare bathroom.
Their eyes held again, both silently acknowledging what had just happened between them. Both knowing they wanted much more.
Then Shawn pulled away, taking her warmth with her and Susan rolled over and faced the wall, not knowing what else to do. Their relationship had suddenly taken a turn and Susan wondered if they would be able to go back. Or if she even wanted to go back.
Shawn stood under the hot spray of the shower, cursing herself for what had nearly happened, for what had happened. She should have just let it go, but she had been awake for hours. How could she sleep? Susan had moved to her in the night, curling her body around Shawn’s as if they slept that way every night. But Susan had ended up practically on top of her, hands and mouth innocently touching Shawn’s breasts and Shawn could stand it no more. Her arms had closed around Susan and she held her, giving in to the feelings that had been threatening for so long. Susan wasn’t supposed to wake. Shawn just wanted to touch her. But when those blue eyes opened and looked into Shawn’s very soul, she could not stop herself.
Shawn had to put some distance between them. What was happening could not continue, she knew. If she weren’t careful, she would ruin this wonderful friendship that she and Susan had formed.
Susan was just pouring coffee when Shawn came into the kitchen and she managed to only spill a few drops. She had even been able to hold a conversation with Ruth. But then Shawn walked close to her, reaching beside her head for a coffee cup, and Susan felt her knees weaken as she inhaled her familiar scent.
Ruth was carrying on the conversation without her, for when her eyes collided with Shawn’s, the world seemed to stand still and it was just the two of them. Their intense stare could not be broken, and she felt as if she were melting, head to toe, under the heat of Shawn’s gaze.
I could lose myself in those eyes, she thought. Or maybe I’ve finally found myself.
“Susan, have you not heard a word I’ve said?”
Finally, mercifully, Shawn turned away, busying herself at the coffee pot, and Susan turned unfocused eyes to Ruth.
“What?” she asked weakly.
“What is wrong with you? You look a thousand miles away.”
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “What did you say?” But as if a glutton for punishment, her eyes followed Shawn from the room, her glance dropping to the muscular tan legs and bare feet.
“You’re acting very strange this morning, Susan,” Ruth told her. “We were talking about Lisa. I asked if you were planning a birthday party for her?”
“Oh.” Susan couldn’t remember any of the conversation she had with Ruth about Lisa, so she tried to wing it. “Her birthday’s in two weeks.”
“Yes. We covered that. But what about my idea of a family birthday party up here? I know you don’t have room for everyone to sleep, so we could make it early on Saturday. We just had such fun over the Fourth with everyone here. Have you ever seen our father looking so relaxed?”
A family party? Lisa would kill her.
“I’ll see what Lisa wants,” Susan said.
“Well, I’ll get with Mother about it. I don’t suppose you’d want her father here?”
“That would be a little awkward, don’t you think?”
“He is her father. It is her birthday. It doesn’t have to mean you’ve given in to him or anything.”
For some reason, that made perfect sense to Susan.
It was only a short time later that Shawn announced that she was leaving. She said she had some errands to do in town. To Susan’s ears, it sounded like an excuse made up on the spot, but she let it pass. Shawn had been quiet all morning. It was obvious to Susan that Shawn was uncomfortable and most likely worried about what had happened in bed that morning. Susan wanted to put her at ease, but she wasn’t quite certain what to say or do.
“I’ll walk you out,” she offered. Susan thought for a second that she saw a look of panic on Shawn’s face, but she finally nodded.
They stood silently at the truck while Alex patiently waited inside.
“Shawn, we need to talk . . . about us,” Susan finally said.
Shawn ignored her. “I won’t be up next weekend. I meant to tell you earlier.”
“Why?” Please don’t make some silly excuse, Susan silently begged.
“I need to go to San Francisco.” Need was the word, Shawn thought. She needed to get away from Susan, she needed to be with someone, she needed sexual release.
“You have a . . . date?” Susan could barely get the word out. She wanted to beg her not to go, but she had no right.
“Yeah.” It was a lie and Shawn wasn’t able to meet Susan’s eyes.
“I see. Well, of course. Why wouldn’t you?”
“Susan . . .”
“No. That’s fine. You have a date. How nice,” she murmured.
“Susan, I have to get away. For both of us.”
“I don’t want you to have a date, Shawn.”
“Susan, we can’t . . . I have to.”
“Fine then. Do what you have to do. Maybe I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. If you think you can be around me.” Susan’s voice sounded odd to her own ears. Perhaps it was best. She had no business having these feelings for Shawn. They were friends. That should be enough.
But Shawn hesitated and finally their eyes locked, both softening the instant they met. This is madness, Susan thought, but she went to Shawn, wrapping both arms around her shoulders in a tight hug. Shawn held her closely and Susan felt a fire at each point their bodies touched.
“Susan . . .”
“I know, Shawn,” she whispered. “Don’t you think I know? I’ll see you in a couple of weeks?”
Shawn nodded and without another word, was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rebecca had been attentive all evening and Shawn wished desperately that she could feel something, anything for this woman. The bar was dark and each dance Rebecca held her closer, the message unmistakable. It would just be sex, Shawn reasoned. A release. And she needed it, God how she needed it.
But why did Susan’s face, her voice, keep intruding at the worst possible times?
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br /> When Rebecca kissed her, Shawn’s mouth opened and she deepened the kiss, allowing Rebecca’s tongue inside.
“Let’s go to my place,” Rebecca whispered.
“Yeah, okay.”
Shawn followed her blindly down the sidewalk. She could do this. She would get it all out of her system. And maybe the next time she saw Susan, she wouldn’t, in great detail, imagine what her kiss would be like, what her touch would be like, how soft her skin would be . . . how she would taste.
Shawn trembled.
Her apartment was small and Rebecca roughly pulled Shawn after her into the bedroom. Clothes were discarded without thought and soon Shawn lay back, Rebecca straddling her hips, pushing against her. Shawn’s mouth opened again and Rebecca’s tongue explored every corner.
“I want you so much,” she cooed into Shawn’s mouth.
They were words she longed to hear. But not from this woman. Shawn gently pushed her away, not knowing how to explain.
“I’m sorry.” Those words were usually a good start.
But Rebecca laughed. “Who is she?”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ve been thinking of her all night. You’ve had that faraway look in your eyes and I assume it wasn’t because you were imagining making love to me.”
“Rebecca, I am so, so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
“You’re right. I don’t. But at least you didn’t just do the pity fuck and pretend you were enjoying yourself.”
Shawn winced at the words, knowing full well she deserved them. “I’m an ass,” she said by way of explanation.
“Some other woman obviously has you in her spell and you can’t have her.” Rebecca stood and reached for a robe that was slung casually across a chair. “She’s a fool if she doesn’t want you.”
“Thanks,” Shawn murmured. “I think.”
“Get dressed. I’ll make some coffee and you can tell me all about it.”
Shawn sat on the bed, amazed. Rebecca should have thrown her out on her ass, butt naked. But instead, she was offering friendship for a night.