by Gerri Hill
“Actually, I think she and Sheri went to get a beer.”
It was well after burgers that they took their leave. Dave included. He had chatted with Ruth and Franklin as if nothing had happened. The only one who was even the least bit cool toward him was Mother, Susan noted. That surprised her.
She found Shawn sitting on the steps of the deck, smoking in the dark. Alex was lying peacefully at her feet, tennis ball tucked between his paws. Susan did not bother to put on the light.
“May I join you?”
“Of course.”
Shawn put another cigarette between her lips. Susan watched as she held her cigarette to the tip and inhaled, lighting the second one. Shawn handed it to Susan, then leaned back against the railing.
“It’s been a long day,” Susan said unnecessarily.
“Yeah.”
“I haven’t had a chance to ask about your weekend,” Susan said.
“My weekend?”
“In San Francisco. Your date,” Susan explained.
“Oh, that.” Shawn had nearly forgotten. Rebecca had not crossed her mind all week.
Susan didn’t think Shawn was going to answer. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted her to.
Shawn considered lying. She considered telling Susan that the date had been great, that Rebecca had stirred things in her, that Susan was in no danger. But one look into those blue eyes and she was lost.
“I wanted to like her. I wanted to sleep with her,” Shawn said. She saw Susan’s jaw clench, but she continued. “I tried to sleep with her.”
“What happened?” Susan whispered. She ignored the ache in her chest.
Shawn stared out into the dark forest, wondering what Susan wanted from her. Wondering how much Susan could give.
“We left the bar and went to her apartment,” she said. “I tried. I . . . I just didn’t feel anything. So I stopped.” Shawn shrugged. She couldn’t very well tell Susan that it had been thoughts of her that had made her stop.
They sat there in the shadows in silence, then Susan took Shawn’s hand. It was warm and her fingers closed around it.
“I’m glad you stopped,” she whispered. “I couldn’t bear to think of you with . . . someone else.”
Their eyes held, then Shawn looked away and Susan heard her sigh, could almost see the struggle within her. When Shawn looked back at her, Susan drew in a nervous breath. Shawn’s eyes hid nothing.
Susan’s glance dropped to Shawn’s lips and they parted for her as Shawn’s breath was expelled. Without thinking, Susan drew Shawn’s hand to her lips and she felt Shawn tremble at her gentle kiss.
Again their eyes locked and Susan felt her heart as it pounded against her chest. It was too much for her.
“Why are we fighting this?” Her whispered question hung between them.
“Susan . . . you can’t want this.”
“I know. I’ve told myself that over and over again. I can’t possibly want you like I do. I can’t be feeling what I’m feeling.” But she gripped Shawn’s hand tighter. “I do feel it, Shawn. And I’m so scared.”
“Please don’t be scared. I would never . . . force things.”
“Maybe I want you to force things,” Susan whispered. “It’s all I can think about.”
“Susan . . .”
But they drew apart at the sound of the door opening.
“Hey, guys,” Lisa called. “Everything okay?”
“Just catching up,” Susan said, dropping Shawn’s hand, hoping Lisa had not seen them.
“Mind if I join you?”
“Of course not,” Shawn said. She chanced another glance at Susan, then moved closer to the railing, giving Lisa room to sit.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Susan couldn’t sleep. The sofa felt lumpy, soft. She rolled over and tried to get comfortable but her eyes were drawn to the window. Shawn’s tent was right outside. What would Shawn do if Susan suddenly appeared? Would she send her away? Or would she welcome her inside?
She would never know. She simply didn’t have the courage to take that first step.
Lisa could have no idea what she interrupted, but Susan and Shawn did not have another moment alone. Before she knew it, everyone was getting ready for bed and Shawn had disappeared. Susan could think of no excuse to go to her, so she simply made her bed on the sofa and tried to sleep.
Shawn couldn’t sleep. Why are we fighting this? Why, indeed? Because it’s the only sensible thing to do?
If Lisa hadn’t chosen that moment to come outside, Shawn was certain she would have bared her heart to Susan. Even now, she could feel Susan’s lips against her hand, hear her sharp intake of breath, see the desire in Susan’s eyes.
But what did it mean? The attraction that had grown was threatening to overtake them both. She knew Susan couldn’t possibly be ready for a relationship such as this. She wondered if Susan had even considered the consequences should they take this to another level. And how sure could Susan possibly be about her feelings? She’d had tremendous change in her life recently. Her whole world had been turned upside down. A relationship of this kind could only add to her problems and Shawn didn’t want to be the one to do that.
No. She had to maintain her hold on their friendship. It had to stop there.
She rolled over again, willing the sun to rise and put an end to this miserable attempt at sleep.
Susan paced in the darkness, her eyes drawn again and again to the lonely tent visible outside her window. It would be so easy. But then what? Talk? She didn’t want to talk. She wrapped her arms around herself, thinking she had lost her mind completely. What she was thinking was insane. She and Shawn had developed a special friendship. Why risk that? Shouldn’t it be enough?
No. Susan couldn’t put words to what she was feeling, but it wasn’t enough. She didn’t want to label this. She didn’t consider herself to be gay. There had never been a time when she had contemplated being with another woman sexually. She could honestly say that it had never even crossed her mind. No. It wasn’t that. It was just Shawn, the person. It didn’t matter that she was a woman.
Susan had the door opened before she could stop herself. It was only when she stood at the zippered door of the tent that she acknowledged the nervousness that was about to swallow her.
“Shawn?”
Silence. Then she heard Alex at the door, tail thumping against the side of the tent. The sound of the zipper was unusually loud to her ears and she nearly panicked. It wasn’t too late. She could still run back inside.
“Susan? What’s wrong?”
Susan stood, unmoving, speechless. Then she swallowed down the lump in her throat, finding her voice.
“Nothing. Everything. I can’t sleep.”
Shawn came out of the tent and stood, bare legs and feet glowing in the soft light of the moon. She ran fingers through her hair to straighten it as Susan watched.
“Do you want to talk?” Shawn finally asked.
“Talk?” Susan smiled nervously. “That’s not exactly what I was thinking a minute ago.”
“Susan . . . you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“We can talk this to death, Shawn. It won’t change what I’m feeling. What I think you’re feeling, too.”
Shawn let a nervous sigh escape. Then she reached out a hand and gently touched Susan’s face.
“I would give anything to be alone with you, to not have company,” she said, motioning to the cabin. “If we were alone . . . we’d be in your bed right now making love,” she finished in a whisper. “Is that what you want?”
Susan swallowed nervously. Yes. She knew they would be and yes, it was what she wanted. Her hand trembled as she took Shawn’s, their fingers entwining. Her breath came quickly and the pulse pounding so loudly in her ears left no room for thoughts. She took the short step that brought her face-to-face with Shawn.
She watched Shawn’s eyes drop to her lips and she silently begged for Shawn to kiss her. She thought she might very well go mad if she di
dn’t.
“Please don’t hate me for this,” Shawn murmured.
“Never.”
Susan felt Shawn’s hands tremble as they cupped her face. Susan’s eyes slid shut when she felt Shawn’s warm breath on her mouth. Then soft lips gently claimed her own, so lightly that Susan thought she must have imagined them. But she didn’t imagine the quiet moan that escaped Shawn. Then Shawn’s lips were there again, harder this time and Susan’s own parted, opening to Shawn, her moan mingling with Shawn’s as she pressed her body closer still.
She wasn’t prepared for this, she realized. Her senses reeled and she thought she was going to faint when Shawn’s wet tongue grazed her lips, wanting entry. Fire. Every inch of her body was on fire and for one moment, she let herself go, let her lips part, accepting Shawn’s tongue as her mouth closed around it.
But at last she pushed Shawn away as she struggled to breathe. Her heart was pounding so hard she felt near collapse and her fingers gripped Shawn’s forearms.
“I’m sorry,” Shawn said immediately.
“No . . . it was my fault. I didn’t know what . . . I didn’t know how it would be. I’m sorry,” she finished as she ran back inside, her hand clutching her throat as she labored to breathe normally.
Normally? She felt like she’d just run a marathon.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“A walk sounds like a wonderful idea,” Gayle said. “What about you, Howard?”
“I suppose I could manage a short one.”
Susan’s eyes collided with Shawn’s. She wondered if Shawn was thinking the same. Let everyone go on a walk and make up some excuse to stay behind. They desperately needed to talk about last night. Shawn’s eyes were full of questions, much like her own, she supposed. But Lisa was already urging Shawn out of her chair.
“You look like you hardly slept,” Lisa said. “What’s the deal? Mom looks pretty bad herself.”
Susan had hoped no one would notice. She had not slept, not even for a second. She had relived the precious moments by the tent over and over again until the soft light of dawn settled on the cabin. And she was totally exhausted now.
Shawn didn’t miss a beat. “But you look like you had a . . . nice night. Hmm?”
Susan thought Lisa actually blushed. Sheri left the room immediately. Susan turned scarlet. Shawn grinned.
Alex led the way through the woods. They agreed the trail to the ranger station would suit all of them. They started single file, but soon, Susan and Shawn found themselves lagging behind. Their eyes met often, questioning, their arms brushing as they walked. Their steps slowed until the others were out of sight.
It was more than Susan could bear.
“Shawn?” Her voice was a plea.
“I know,” she whispered.
They stopped walking altogether, their gazes locking. It was with great effort that Shawn kept her hands clenched at her sides. Susan’s eyes beckoned her and when she dropped her gaze to Susan’s lips, she heard Susan draw breath, heard her nearly whimper.
Both their chests were rising, falling with each breath. Shawn had no idea where the others were. She didn’t care.
“Please,” Susan whispered. She had no clue as to what she was pleading for. She was oblivious to her surroundings. There was only Shawn.
“Last night . . . you ran from this.”
“Last night . . . I ran from myself. I can’t fight this, Shawn. It’s all I can think about.”
Shawn reached out a trembling hand and tucked a stray curl behind Susan’s ear before touching her cheek. Then she slid her hand behind Susan’s neck, drawing Susan deeper into the woods. Their eyes locked again.
“Please.” Susan wasn’t sure she even spoke the word this time.
Shawn’s thumb touched Susan’s lips and the look in her eyes made Susan’s heart pound even harder. Her lips closed around the tip of Shawn’s thumb and this time she wouldn’t let her pull away. Her tongue drew Shawn inside, but only briefly. With a low growl, Shawn pulled away, but her look was searing.
“Kiss me,” Susan begged.
Then Shawn’s mouth was there, claiming Susan with a fire she had never known. Her lips parted and Shawn’s tongue went inside, demanding entry, and Susan’s lips closed over her.
Hands on her hips pulled their bodies flush and Susan felt unfamiliar wetness flood her as Shawn cupped her hips, holding her close, molding their bodies together.
Susan was finally able to move and her hands slid up Shawn’s arms, moving over strong shoulders. She pressed herself firmly against her, their bodies fitting together perfectly. She whimpered when Shawn drew her mouth away.
Their breathing was ragged and Shawn buried her face at Susan’s neck, lips unable to be still.
“Susan, I don’t know what you want from me.” Her voice was hoarse with desire.
“Don’t you?”
Susan’s fingers curled into Shawn’s hair, bringing Shawn’s mouth to hers once again. That was all it took. She found herself pressed against a tree, Shawn’s body molding itself to her own as a strong thigh found its way between her legs. Susan was nearly delirious with desire and she let the fire rage unchecked. When Shawn’s hands covered her breasts, she knew she was moaning, but she couldn’t stop. And she couldn’t stop her own hands as they tugged Shawn’s shirt from her shorts, seeking the hot skin underneath.
“Hurry,” Susan breathed into Shawn’s mouth.
Shawn tried to stop. She told herself this was insane, but Susan’s tongue drove out all thought. Susan’s flesh was hot to her touch and her hands moved to Susan’s breasts, knowing once she touched them, she would be lost. Hands slipped easily under her bra and she touched soft flesh, her thumbs raking lightly over taut nipples. She wanted her mouth there and sanity fled. She shoved Susan’s T-shirt higher, exposing small breasts to her greedy eyes.
“God, yes,” Susan moaned. She guided Shawn, bringing that warm mouth to her breasts. Her legs very nearly gave way as Shawn’s lips closed over an aching nipple, sucking gently at her breast.
“Mom? Shawn?”
Lisa’s voice penetrated Susan’s desire, but she groaned when Shawn pulled away. They stood, both breathing as if they’d run a race, their eyes wild.
“Susan . . .”
“I want you,” Susan whispered. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.”
“I’m not sorry.” Then, if only to make it real to her own ears, “I want to make love to you.”
“We’ve got to get alone, Shawn. I’m going to go insane if we don’t.”
“I know. I want that, too.”
“Mom?”
They stepped apart at last. Susan pointed to Shawn.
“Your shirt.”
“Yours, too.”
They quickly tucked shirts back into shorts, their eyes separating only briefly. Alex found them before Lisa and they walked back on the trail just as Lisa rounded a corner.
“What happened?” Her eyes fixed first on her mother, then on Shawn.
“We were . . . we thought that . . .”
Shawn’s eyes were steady as she looked at Lisa. “We saw some deer. We were trying to get a closer look.”
“Uh-huh, I see. Deer.” Lisa stared at her mother for a long moment before clearing her throat. “Grandma thought something might have happened.”
“No. Nothing happened,” Susan said evenly.
Lisa looked from Susan to Shawn and back again. “Well, are you coming or what?”
Susan dared to look at Shawn and a faint grin appeared on both their faces. She was relieved. How close had they been to getting caught? And how would she ever have been able to explain to Lisa?
But they followed Lisa along the trail, this time taking care to keep their distance.
***
“It’s been a great weekend, but I’ve got to get going.” Shawn felt Susan’s eyes on her, but they had not had a chance to even talk, much less have a moment alone. It was better this way. If she stayed, they would both regret it tomorrow, S
hawn was certain.
“We better think about leaving, too,” Gayle said. “Oh, but it has been relaxing.” She turned and spoke quietly to Shawn. “Perhaps because Ruth hasn’t been here.”
“Gayle!” Shawn said in mock protest.
“Oh, she can be so uptight sometimes.”
“What are you two whispering about?” Susan asked.
“Nothing, dear. Just commenting on what a great weekend it’s been. Your father needed this.”
“Yes. He does look relaxed.” But Susan’s eyes were on Shawn. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah.”
Susan wanted to ask her to stay a little longer. At least until everyone else left. They needed to talk. So much had happened between them this weekend and they hadn’t had a chance to talk about it. Not really. But then what? As she’d said earlier, they could talk it to death, it wouldn’t change what was happening between them.
“Shawn, thanks again for the tickets to the musical festival. We’ll enjoy them,” Lisa said.
“I hope so.” Shawn rested her hand on Sheri’s shoulder briefly. “It was nice to meet you. I hope I’ll see you again.”
“I hope so, too. Maybe the three of us could have dinner during the week.”
“Sure. Call me. Lisa’s got my number.”
“I’ll walk you out,” Susan offered.
It wasn’t until they reached Shawn’s truck that they allowed themselves to speak.
“Shawn, I don’t want you to leave.”
“I can’t stay, Susan. If I stay . . .”
“I want you,” Susan whispered. “I can’t fight this anymore. I don’t want to fight this.”
Shawn didn’t answer. There was no need to. She pulled Susan into her arms, their bodies pressing together intimately. Neither cared who was watching.
Susan pulled away first, her lips barely avoiding Shawn’s. “Don’t go. Please?”
“I’m scared,” Shawn admitted.
“You’re scared? I’m the one fumbling around in the dark here.”
“I don’t want . . . I don’t want to lose what we’ve got, Susan. I’ve never had anybody . . . a friend . . . like you. If we stop this now, if we forget about what happened . . .”