As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “Darnell, don’t worry, I got you. We will be safe in here,” Toe said.

  There was a crowd of people running behind us. I couldn’t utter the words, but I felt like a little kid being led away by his mom.

  “Look at me, Darnell!” Toe said, but I did not hear him.

  “Darnell, Darnell!” I could hear Toe calling my name, but I wasn’t responding. Toe knew better not to grab me because of what happened earlier in the car.

  “Damn, I don’t know what to do.” I could hear Toe talking to himself, as he was really trying to come to my rescue. I was well aware of my surroundings, but it was as if my mind had shut down, and everything around me continued to freeze, but I was conscious enough to know what was happening to me. Then the unexpected happened. While in my transit state, I felt a wet sensation on my lips. I felt someone’s flesh touching my lips. I opened my eyes, and it was Toe kissing me on the lips inside the ladies bathroom stall. I didn’t know what to do. I knew that I didn’t want to hit him, so I gently pushed him back. Whispering, I said, “What are you doing, bro! I am not gay.”

  “Bro, I didn’t know how to get you to snap out of your transient state of mind. I didn’t know what to do,” Toe said, pleading.

  “Did you really do that? Did you really kiss me?” I said in a whisper­ing voice.

  “Breathe, Darnell, breathe,” Toe said.

  I said to myself, I’m going to hell now, because God won’t want me either. The sex I had as a child was forgiven. But now I’m a young adult and can take care of myself, but I’ve been violated yet again. Now I know I’m going to hell because of Toe.

  Suddenly the bathroom door open, and a man yelled, “All clear! It was kids playing with firecrackers.”

  “Toe, I am ready to go home. Please don’t say a damn word to me!” I said firmly.

  Toe kept trying to explain himself to me, but I was not hearing it. He violated my trust, broke my space, and violated my sexual right to choose who I wanted to kiss. I couldn’t believe that he kissed me on my lips, making me gay when I am not gay. I’m no damn faggot. Heck, I got my ass beat for being one, and that’s not going to happen again.

  “Toe, I mean it, you better not say a motherfucking word to me,” I said as we headed to the car.

  “Darnell, I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do!” Toe said, pleading.

  “You violated me, man, I don’t want to hear it!”

  When we got to the car, I turned the ignition on and turned off the radio. We drove home in complete silence. Toe didn’t say a word. Neither did I. The drive home was long, and I was furious and started to drive erratically. I thought, now I am gay, and God was mad at me. God was not going to be in my corner anymore. The God that I call out to every night when I go to sleep is not going to be there simply because I’ve been kissed by a man and a homosexual. Now I have to deal with the stigma and the negative consequences of being a gay black male in America. Maybe my parents were telling me correctly. Perhaps I am a faggot, maybe I am a sissy, maybe I am a punk because now I have been kissed by a man and I don’t know where this is going to lead too.

  I dropped Toe off at his crib. Toe tried to give a final explanation, but I was still steaming and ignored him. As soon as the car door closed, I burned rubber and hurried home.

  Running into the house, Mom noticed me scurrying. “Darnell, you are back early.”

  Like a scene from The Young and the Restless, I ran into my mother’s arms crying but didn’t tell her what happened. She may try to beat me again.

  “Mom, please make an emergency appointment for Dr. Blackmon, please,” I said, crying, then headed to my room.

  I shut the door and laid on the bed, putting a pillow over my face, wishing that I were dead.

  Chapter Twelve

  I hadn’t talked to Toe in over a week. He called me almost every hour on the hour trying to get me to answer the phone, but I was still frustrated. Toe called so much that mom advised him that I would call him when I was ready to talk. However, Toe was persistent, as he discovered other ways of trying to get my attention. For instance, he would stand at the back window and throw little rocks hitting the pane, making a noise so that I would know that it was him. Toe would think that I was in my bedroom, hear the sound, get up to see that it was him, open the door and let them in. I ignored him. He was making me gay, and I am not gay. Who kisses another man in the mouth? I just couldn’t comprehend it.

  Mom tried to give me an emergency appointment with Dr. Blackmon, but his schedule was full. The only way to see him was through suicidal ideation or if I was going to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt Toe, but it was not that serious.

  I needed to get out of the house and thought that maybe I could go to church on Sunday with G-Ma. I dared not tell her what happened because she would say that I’m going to hell, hit me over the head, or would not want anything to do with me. As per my usual pattern, I would hide my emotions and call her. Maybe she could pick me up for service on Sunday.

  “G-Ma!” I said.

  “Good morning, my son, how are you?” she asked.

  “I’m doing well. Can you pick me up for church tomorrow?” I asked.

  “Sure, I will. I will never deny anyone who would want to go to the House of God,” she said.

  “Awesome, I will see you around 10:30.”

  “Sounds like a plan! You know I love you, right?”

  “Yes, ma’am, and I love you back. I will see you in the morning.”

  “See you then,” G-Ma said.

  The next morning, as I prepared what I wanted to wear for Sunday Services and picked out a navy blue suit jacket, tan khakis, and a white shirt, I wondered what Toe would say about this outfit. I thought back to the mall and how he picked out my clothes and paid for them. I remembered how he looked when I tried on the outfit and began to laugh, but in the back of my mind, I thought about that song “Have You Ever” and what it meant. I thought to myself that Toe is gay but quickly disregarded that thought because he had Rochelle, and many other girls wanted to be with him. I snapped out of my deep thoughts, turning on the latest episode of Bobby Jones Gospel on BET. Looking at the clock, it was 10:30 a.m. I thought I’d better open the front door because G-Ma hates being late.

  Like clockwork, G-Ma pulled up in her brown Chevy Caprice, lightly tapping the horn. I immediately went outside, walking to G-Ma’s car. She opened the door and slid across the seat. G-Ma is beautiful to be sixty years old, six feet tall, and 180 lbs. She has a light complexion with beautiful black hair. G-ma often wore a navy blue skirt with a white blouse and a gold chain. She wore house shoes to church, but once we arrived, she would change them.

  “Darnell, you’re driving today. We need to stop by the corner market and get me some big mama pantyhose. The color needs to be coffee. Then we need to stop and pick up Mrs. Jarrett on the way to services,” G-Ma said.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I ran into the store and purchased G-Ma pantyhose then stopped and picked up Mrs. Jarrett. I liked Mrs. Jarrett because she thought I looked like a movie star or something. She would often joke that if she were younger, she would make me a happy man! We arrived at church just in time for the Senior Saints Choir to march in. They always marched in singing, “We’ve Come This Far by Faith,” as they sway from side to side in a long single-file line, hitting every single beat on point. G-Ma and Mrs. Jarrett were always in the back because they sang tenor. When they sang, you could hear both their voices over everyone else’s. As the choir was marching by, G-Ma saw me in the congregation and did a little shallow wave. I smiled. It felt good being in church. I remembered Paw-Paw saying the church was a hospital. People struggled from different ailments, but whether physical or spiritual they always could be healed and made right with God.

  Shortly after the service had started, Reverend Doctor Moore came up to the pulpit wearing a black robe with three stripes on his
left sleeve, symbolizing that he had earned a Ph.D. The choirs sang a few more songs, and Mrs. Anthony, the mother of the church, shouted on every song. I would laugh at her because it was always very timely and fabricated because she would rock back and forth from side to side, then start to moan, and then a few seconds later, she would fling open her arms and wail, “Thank you, Lord, thank you!” I would especially laugh when she got the Holy Ghost and pulled off Mrs. Getty’s wig. Mrs. Jones was so furious she almost cussed.

  “Good morning Church, I have a word from the Lord, and it’s found in the Book of Proverbs 3:5-6. I will be reading from the King James Version of the Bible. When you find the scripture, stand to your feet,” Reverend Moore said as he took the podium.

  As he read the words of the Bible, the words jumped out at me. “Trust in the Lord with all thy heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” I wondered; how can I trust God more in my life? He said that if I believe Him that He would guide my paths, how do I make that work for me?

  As Dr. Moore continued his message, he starts talking about single people. He said that God has someone for everyone. No matter your circumstances or situations, God has someone who is made just for you. He further went on to say that sometimes things in relationships don’t always work out to the benefit of the other person. But you have to persist, be consistent, and you will reap the benefits of the relationship if you don’t give up.

  It was like Dr. Moore spoke directly to me. Then he stated this if you are single, then you need a wife. “Now, I’m not telling you to go get the same sex as a partner but find the opposite sex,” he said. “God did not make Adam and Steve; he made Adam and Eve.”

  My heart started to pitter-patter once again. How did Dr. Moore know that Toe kissed me in the mall, and now I was gay?

  As I continued listening to his sermon, I realized that I could not masquerade my emotions any longer. Tears began to roll down my cheeks. I tried to hold them back, but they ran down my face like a water faucet turned on high. I began praying, “God, I don’t want to go to hell. Please, God, take this thing away from me.” I felt the need to blow my nose, but no tissue paper was available. I got up in the middle of Dr. Moore’s sermon to go to the bathroom. When I got up, it appeared that everyone was looking at me. However, I still pressed forward. As I was leaving the sanctuary, my emotions got the best of me. I started crying loudly. I didn’t know where those emotions came from because, typically, I don’t cry in front of anyone. I felt like a volcano inside me was erupting because I suppressed so many of my emotions. Now I was at church, and there is no escape. I couldn’t find anyone to accept me for who I am, and it appeared that God was not accepting me for who I am either, even though He made me. I hurried through the sanctuary door and walked to the men’s bathroom. When I arrived in the bathroom, I began sobbing uncontrollably. I thought about the last few weeks’ events with Toe, and now I might be going to hell. “God, please help me!” I prayed in the bathroom with no one looking. “I just want to do what was pleasing in Your sight.”

  Suddenly, the bathroom door open and before I could try to pull myself together, I heard G-Ma’s voice. “Darnell, are you in here?”

  I thought to myself, Oh no, it’s G-Ma; if she knew what I was going through and experiencing, she would tell my mom and not love me anymore. I’ve got to pull myself together.

  “Hi G-Ma, I’m here,” I said in a raspy voice with tears streaming down my face. I opened the door and looked at G-Ma.

  “Oh, baby, come and hug me. Baby, everything is going to be all right. G-Ma got you now.”

  I laid my head on her shoulders and cried uncontrollably. I soaked G-Ma’s robe sleeve in tears.

  I felt her hands rub the back of my head, saying, “Look at me.”

  I didn’t want to because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying.

  “Whatever you’re going through, I want to go through with you. All of this pain and unresolved emotional conflict, Darnell, I want to go through it with you, if you allow me. Please don’t shut me out?” G-Ma said, pleading.

  I loved and trusted my G-Ma. Anything she ever told me was always real. I felt like I needed to share what had happened at the mall with someone, and the best person to do that with is my G-Ma. She had continually been the voice of reasoning and rationalization. She had been my strong force. She had been there when I needed her the most. Coming to my senses, I knew that I could trust my G-Ma. I began to take a deep breath, looking at G-Ma and then down at the floor. She could tell that something was troubling me; however, I couldn’t gauge the strength to tell her. I was sure that this would break her heart and she would think badly of me. However, I need to get my feelings out.

  “G-Ma, I think I’ve sinned,” I said.

  “Sinned, we all have sinned, Darnell. Did someone hurt you?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Well, Darnell, please tell me what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this?”

  I took a deep breath and gently closed my eyes, praying that G-Ma will still love me.

  “G-Ma, a guy kissed me on the lips while at the mall, and now I’m going to hell because I might be gay,” I said, as I started sobbing again uncontrollably.

  I thought G-Ma was going to hit me, but instead, she did the most unexpected thing that I could have imagined. She started to laugh.

  I became baffled and wondered why she was laughing at me because, for me, this wasn’t a joke. I was hurting, I was uncomfortable, I needed direction, and yet my G-Ma was laughing.

  “Oh baby, is that all that’s bothering you?” G-Ma said, smiling. I began to get angry because the lady that I trusted with my secrets is laughing at me. G-Ma saw that I was getting agitated and chimed in saying,

  “From the time you were barely walking, I knew that you might be attracted to the same sex. Heck, your dad, aunts, and uncles called you gay from the time you were born. I stopped most of it, but it still occurred behind my back. If people keep telling you the same stuff repeatedly, you will start to believe it and live it out. After a while, you started to believe it. I watched you play with dolls and wear your mother’s lipstick.” G-Ma said, “You know your mother told me about you and Ronnie. After she told me she whipped you, I didn’t speak to her for weeks. Darnell, be who you are, and love yourself first. I want you to embrace my sayings and never forget them as this what I want for you; that’s what God wants for you as well.”

  I was amazed that she knew so much about my life, but still accepted me.

  “Am I going to hell, G-Ma?” I asked, very seriously.

  “As far as I’m concerned, there’s enough grace at Calvary’s cross for everyone. That includes adulterers, fornicators, and homosexuals. God loves you, and there’s nothing that you can do about it to separate yourself from His love. Straight or gay, you’re still my grandson, grandbaby, and a child of God.”

  I began to feel as if the weight of the world lifted off me. I felt free, and my sorrow began to turn to joy.

  “Thank you so much, G-Ma,” I said.

  “There is no need to thank me. Sometimes you have to open up your heart and allow people to see you for who you are. If they don’t accept you, then it’s their fault. Honey, shake the dust from your feet and keep on walking because they are not worthy of you. Do you understand me? I mean anyone and tell them I said so.”

  I nodded, as the choir sang, “We Offer Christ To You.”

  “I better head back to the choir stand. They need my golden tenor voice. Are you sure you’re OK?” G-Ma asked.

  “Yes ma’am, thank you for listening.”

  “OK, baby, I’m here for you,” G-Ma said, running back to the choir stand but, I decided to remain in the back until the service was over.

  After church, I started heading to the car to avoid everyone. Suddenly, I saw Mrs. Jarrett standing off at t
he side.

  “Come and give me a hug, Darnell!” she said, as she opened her arms. Reluctantly, I went to hug her, and she said, “Darnell, years ago, before I was married, I used to be a tambourine player.”

  Without thinking suddenly, I burst out into loud, uncontrollable laughter.

  “Shh, now, Darnell, that’s our secret. Don’t tell anyone, not even your G-Ma,” she said, laughing.

  “OK! Yes, ma’am,” I said, still laughing.

  I got to the church’s back door, and Dr. Moore was there. I tried to hide from him, but he said, “Mr. Williams, come by my office on Wednesday night for Bible study. I would like to talk to you.”

  I wondered what he had to talk to me about, especially after his sermon made me cry. However, I said, “I will see you, then,” knowing that I was lying.

  We all got into the car and drove home. There were no jokes about tambourines or the piano player. Instead, G-Ma and Mrs. Jarrett talked about how Mr. Sanchez was singing off-key the whole time.

  After we dropped off Mrs. Jarrett at her residence and said goodbye, I drove G-Ma to my house listening to the radio. There was a song playing, “We’re Going To Make It” by Myrna Summers. I looked over to G-Ma and said, “Thank you, G-Ma.”

  As we pulled up to the house, Toe sat on his porch with his head down in his lap. When he heard the car door open, he looked up and saw that it was me. He stood up and began waving, trying to flag me to come to see him. However, I ignored his gestures, because I only wanted to converse with him when I was ready. Today was not the day.

  G-Ma saw Toe and asked me if that was the young man that has kissed me in the mall. Feeling embarrassed, I said, “Yes, ma’am, that is him.”

  “Damn! He is fine.” G-Ma said in a high-pitched voice, and we started laughing.