As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “So, God accepts me and all other homosexuals just like that?” I asked in disbelief and doubt.

  “Yes, He does. His words are not complicated, but humans make His word complicated with our own agendas and with religion. Look at John 3:16, ‘For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son and whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.’ I am wise, and I know that you are wise. Jesus used the word, ‘Whosoever,’ which is an all-inclusive word. He didn’t say the saints or the sinners, the heterosexuals or the homosexuals, the fat or the skinny, the white or the black, He said ‘whosoever,’ and that whosoever means both you and me. We all have access to Christ and to experience His love. Don’t ever allow anyone to tell you anything differently.”

  “Thank you, Bishop, for understanding my position, but it’s just not that easy.”

  Dr. Lindsey touched me gently on my hands again. “Son, I’m sorry, I am currently on medication for breast cancer. What is your name again?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s Darnell.”

  “Let me share an experience with you. The very reason that we’re talking to you today has been orchestrated by God. See, just two days ago, I learned that I had breast cancer and told my husband that I wanted to take a cruise and get away. We booked the cruise last minute, and we even delayed eating dinner all day long because I didn’t have any strength. And when we decided to eat, we saw you sitting over here with your face in your hands. And now we’re sitting here talking to you. See, we got to let God do what He does and guide our lives.

  “Here are some questions for you to consider. I just told you that I have breast cancer, right? Do you think that before I was born that God knew that I was going to develop breast cancer?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said, holding on to every word she spoke.

  “Great answer! Because He did know. Now, do you think that God gave me a choice to have breast cancer or not to have breast cancer?”

  “No, ma’am, who chooses to have breast cancer?” I said, as if she was asking me a rhetorical question.

  “Good again! Because I would have most certainly said no. Now, Darnell, you’re gay, right? And with God, it doesn’t matter if it was a choice or not. You are attracted to the same sex, right?”

  “Hmmm! Yes, ma’am!”

  “When God created you, did He know that you were going to be gay?”

  “Of course He did!”

  “Did God give you a choice as to whether to be born straight or gay?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Great answers! God has got you, and He’s got me. Therefore, don’t ever be ashamed of who you are because God made you, and you are His. If God is for you, then who can be against you? Plus, He’s brought you too far to leave you, Darnell. That’s what humans do. Humans journey to a certain place in life, and when life gets tough, they sometimes abandon you and leave. But God will never leave you nor forsake you. I hope I gave you just a little bit of clarity?”

  “Oh my God, yes, ma’am! I see it clearly. Thank you for enlightening me. But I’ve got to go.” I started getting up from the table, thinking about Toe leaving me. I should be dead too? What has he done to me?

  “Darnell, you haven’t eaten yet,” Bishop said.

  I jumped up from the table and headed to the bar. I didn’t discount everything that Bishop and his wife were saying as it was true, but I just really missed Toe and wanted to be with him. I couldn’t live without Toe. Plus, in a few minutes, I really hoped to join him.

  I exited the dining hall, and went over to the bar. Since we were in international waters, I obtained a bottle of Grey Goose. I remembered the last time I dranked it, it made me feel a little soggy and took away my pain. So hopefully, it would do the same this time.

  As soon as the bartender gave me the bottle, I turned it up and started to guzzle it as if it was water. It burned so bad that I began to cough, and people began to look at me.

  “What the fuck are you all looking at?” I said, as my self-talk became very loud. “None of you could possibly fathom what I have been through! So spare me with your judgments and crazy stares.” I took another drink from the bottle.

  I reached in my pockets and pulled out my bottle of pills, taking all twenty-five of them at once. Then I guzzled another shot of Grey Goose. I began crying and headed to my room so I could rest. As I was walking, I started mumbling to myself, See, this is how your life ends, broke, battered, lonely, and drunk. All you had to do was listen Darnell, but you’re so hardheaded and won’t listen to anyone. I didn’t ask for Toe to come into my life, but he came anyway. Heck, Dr. Blackmon even encouraged it.

  “Hey buddy, are you OK?” a guy asked.

  “No, I’m not all right and stop asking me that, asshole!” I yelled.

  He looked stunned. “I was just trying to help.”

  “Fuck you, I don’t need anyone’s help. I’m going to my room, and it’s over.”

  I made it to the elevator and pushed the button; when the doors open, I saw a crowd inside.

  “Awe, so y’all motherfuckers are going to gang-rape me?” I said as I got on.

  A few people looked at me in disgust and shook their heads.

  “Fuck you, and you and you! None of y’all will ever see me again.”

  The doors began to open. I began to sing “Amazing Grace” out loud, as I headed down the hall to my cabin.

  I opened the door and walked to my bed; however, there was luggage on it!

  “What the fuck is this?” I said to myself. Who would have gotten into my room? The room started to spin, and I could barely stand. The effects of alcohol and pills were taking effect. “I’m dying,” I said to myself as I began to cry.

  What have I done? Who will look after Mom, Robbie, and G-Ma? I will never get to be a psychologist. I started to cry as I fell on the bed. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, everybody. I wanted to grab a pencil and write a goodbye letter but couldn’t muster the strength.

  Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and it was Toe. There he was standing in front of me. I begin to smile.

  “See, babe, I told you we would be together forever. I missed you so much.”

  “Darnell!” Toe said in a frantic voice.

  “Babe, I missed you! Come and give me a kiss,” I said, slurring my words.

  I felt a cold hand repeatedly tap me on my face with little baby slaps.

  “Oh my God, Darnell, what have you done?” Toe said, as he began hollering for help.

  I opened my eyes for a second look and noticed it was Mr. St. James.

  “What are you doing here in heaven? Do you see Toe right there?” I mumbled.

  “God, no, not another one, please God.” He gently picked up my head, and I collapsed and died.

  As I transitioned, I could hear Mr. St. James screaming and crying for me not to die. I thought life is so funny because one dad wanted me dead because of my sexual orientation while another one, who knew my sexual orientation, wanted me to live. I made a hasty decision, and unfortunately, it was too late.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  It was graduation day. I decided not to attend because they were doing a special memorial for the shooting victims. Mom and Lamont purchased me a new car for graduation to travel from the University of Kentucky in Lextington to Louisville since I could not afford to go to Notre Dame.

  I spent most of my days stuck in the cycles of depression. I still felt like I want to die, and at other times I felt like I wanted to live. It was so confusing to me, especially when I looked at all the bad stuff that had happened in my life.

  The last time I visited Toe’s gravesite, I stayed for about two hours, reminiscing on the times we shared together. Of course, I played “Have You Ever,” thinking about the scene from the mall. While listening to the radio the other day, I heard a song by Klymaxx called, “I Miss You,” and
played it at Toe’s gravesite, hoping that he could hear the music.

  Typically, when a particular song came on the radio, I would run to the cemetery and share it with Toe. I did not want to let him go. I simply wasn’t ready. But every time I looked at the ground, I was forced to realize that he was not coming back. Why does death have to be so final? Why does the death of a loved one have to hurt so damn bad? This was simply something that I would have to bear as I moved forward with life.

  Today was a beautiful day, and lately, I’ve had Jaurice on my mind. It was an excellent day to visit him and see if there are any changes to his condition. He’s still at Kosair’s Children Hospital, which is only about a ten-minute drive. On my way there, I thought about Jaurice’s flamboyant ways and how he dropped the phone when I told him that Toe and I were in a relationship. I began to smile and laugh out loud. It was strange because, through all the pain, I could still muster the strength to laugh. Honestly, it felt good to laugh because, just for a microsecond, I could have joy in life and realize that I was alive once again.

  I arrived at the hospital and headed to room 645. The place was too familiar because I tried to visit at least once a week. The nurses knew me by name and often waved me through for a visit. When I arrived at his room, I pushed open the doors and saw Jaurice was still unconscious with tubes everywhere. I could hear the beats of the heart monitor going beep, beep, beep with every beat of his heart. I could also hear the breathing machine forcing air in and out of his lungs. Deep inside, I’d much rather this have been Toe in this bed, but God has a plan for all of us, so I had to accept the outcome.

  “How are you doing?” Jaurice’s mother chimed in.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was in the room. I am doing well.” I noticed Mrs. Wilkes was crying with her husband comforting her. “Any changes?”

  “No, not right now,” Mrs. Wilkes said.

  “Well, one thing I know about your son is he’s a fighter, he’s tough, and I’m sure he will be OK.”

  I was actually harboring resentment because the same parents who put their homosexual son out of the house a few months ago because they didn’t want a gay son or accept his lifestyle were now crying over his hospital bed. I wondered if they knew that Jaurice have been beaten up, prostituting, and doing Lord knows whatever else to make it. I had no sympathy for them, but I did show compassion. Actually, to see them being so remorseful made my stomach turn until I was nauseous.

  “Well, I better go,” I said.

  “Darnell, you just got here,” Mr. Wilkes said.

  I turned around and headed out the door without saying goodbye. They were despicable parents and not worthy of my presence. I left the hospital and went home.

  Mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner. I gently snuck up behind her and gave her a little tap kiss on her cheek. Mom hearing me with her bionic ears turned around, and said, “Darnell, don’t be sneaking up on me! Plus, you’ve got some mail here.”

  “Oh, wow, the DNA results are back?” I said sarcastically.

  “No, smartass, but it’s from some church in California. Those preachers who are on TV all the time. They are probably begging for money.”

  “Why would a church be sending me mail? Don’t they know I’m broke?”

  “You know these churches, they are always looking for money,” Mom said, while still cooking. “Son, when are you going to stop ignoring Theresa’s calls? She called you every day since that night.”

  “I know, Mom. It’s a really dark place for me right now. I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” I went to my bedroom.

  I looked on my bed and saw a FedEx package from Worldwide Ministries in Los Angeles. I wondered why this church would be sending me a package via FedEx.

  I began to rip open the package, and on the inside was a letter. However, as I opened the letter, a picture of Bishop and Dr. Lindsey fell out onto the floor. I looked in amazement, completely caught off-guard and surprised.

  I remembered the words they said and started smiling. I opened the letter and began to read it:

  Dearest Darnell Williams,

  I pray that you and your family are well and in good health and spirits. I left my number with Mr. St. James, as they were taking you off the cruise liner but have not heard from you. Memories of our conversation continuously play in our minds, and we think about you frequently. You reminded us so much of our son, Christopher, who was also gay. Unfortunately, he committed suicide after we told him that we didn’t approve of his lifestyle and choices. We will always regret our words.

  I had a chance to speak to Mr. St. James in great length while waiting for the ship to get back to port. He informed me that you wanted to study psychology at the University of Notre Dame but may not have adequate funding to attend.

  After arriving home from the ship, I wanted to do something special for you. After much prayer, we took your situation to our congregation and asked for their assistance. I am ecstatic to report that we have raised over $50,000 for you to attend Notre Dame University over the next four years to study psychology. You never asked, but Dr. Lindsey is the chief psychologist for the American Psychological Society and has colleagues who desire to meet and mentor you. See, we never know what God has in store for us. Our meeting was not by accident but designed and orchestrated by God.

  Please contact Midge Ford at Notre Dame’s bursar’s office at your convenience, and she will give you further instructions.

  Be blessed, and please call us soon. Below are our personal telephone numbers, so you are without excuse.

  Wishing you the very best!

  In Jesus’s Name,

  Bishop and Dr. Jones

  I screamed and shouted. I walked like a zombie into the kitchen to tell Mom with tears falling like waterfalls down my face.

  Mom turned around and said, “What’s wrong? Are you thinking about that night again?”

  I shook my head.

  Mom had a puzzled look on her face, as I handed her the letter to read. I watched as her hands started to shake, and tears formed in her eyes as she continued to read. When she finished reading, she began to scream out loud, full of emotions.

  “God, I knew you would come through!” she roared, as she continued to shout. I was so full of emotions, I fell to the floor crying because it seemed like my life has taken a turn in a different direction. Was Toe looking after me? I was jubilant and finally said, “I’m officially heading off to college.”

  After a few minutes, I asked mom if she could tell me about that day. All I remember is meeting Bishop and Dr. Jones. The rest of it was struck from my memory.

  Mom guided me over to the kitchen table, and we sat down. “That was a dark day for everyone,” she said. “I knew that you were saying goodbye to everyone. Your emotions were suppressed, and your soul was dark, considering what had happened.”

  I thought, Mom said, “If he’s going to kill himself, it will be on that cruise ship.”

  “Call it mother’s intuition or whatever, I knew, so I called Mr. St. James. Thank God that he could change the name on the ticket to his name since he purchased the tickets with his credit card. When he arrived, he said you were drunk, and you took the pills. He said that medical was with you, but you would be OK, probably just a bad hangover.”

  “Mom, I should have died, right? I mean, I took the pills, all twenty-five of them,” I asked at her with a puzzled look on my face.

  “What you don’t know is those pills were placebo. Do you think I’m a fool? I changed them. Mr. St. James had the real ones on him just in case I was wrong, and you needed them.”

  “How did I get back home?”

  “Well, like I said, you were drunk, so they put you in the infirmary to monitor your condition, and once you got back to Florida, we met the ship there and drove you back to Louisville. You slept for days. I had to change your clothes and everythin
g.”

  “Mom, you saw my junk?”

  “Yes, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

  We started to laugh.

  “Well, I better call Notre Dame and make sure everything is in place,” I said. “Heck, school starts next week.”

  I called and talked to Ms. Ford, and she stated that all expenses were paid in full, just like Bishop indicated in his letter.

  My excitement soon turned to sadness as I thought that maybe I was moving too fast. Had I had time to grieve? What about Jaurice? I walked back into the kitchen to talk to Mom.

  “Well, Darnell, what did they say?”

  “It’s true, everything is paid in full. All I have to do is pick classes and start.”

  “You don’t seem too enthused, son?”

  “No ma’am, it’s too soon. I’m not going.” I said sadly.

  “This is your dream. You’ve worked so hard for this chance. You should strongly consider it because it may not come back around. Don’t block your blessing.”

  “I know, Mom, but what good is it to have a dream without Toe? He was my dream.”

  “Darnell, Toe would want you to live your life to the fullest. He is with you. He is in your heart and will be with you forever. Now that he’s in heaven, he is still looking out for you. Because you weren’t even expecting the tuition money, and now you have it.”

  Mom’s words were comforting. I know that Toe would approve because it was something that we’d discussed before. But still, I needed to talk about it. I needed to call and speak to G-Ma.

  “Hi, G-Ma”

  “How’s my baby doing?

  “I’m OK. I just need to make a decision and need some advice?”

  “I am so flattered that you’d asked, what’s going on?”

  “Well, I just got all of my tuition paid for at Notre Dame. However, I’m not sure if I’m moving too fast because of the situation that happened with Toe. I need more time to heal. What do you think?”

  “Maybe this can be your big break. Going to Notre Dame will get you out of the city and away from your friends. Maybe a change of scenery is what you need. I remember when I went to college, I formed so many good memories. So you may want to consider that. Plus, this sounds like an opportunity that does not come often. It certainly is a blessing. Think of it like this, if Toe was here to make this decision and you had gone to glory, what would you tell him?”