From Sir, With Love

by Rachell Nichole

  “Good. So, listen, I know this is a bit sudden, but, well I wondered if you’d want to keep getting paid.”

  “What?” He didn’t know what that meant exactly.

  “I’d like you to stay on and finish out the season with us. Come spend the next twelve weeks in the role of Phantom while Quint heals up. It will save me having to fly out another actor and get him integrated into a show you’ve already smoothly rolled into. I don’t know what else you’ve got going on, but we’d love to have you.”

  Leo’s heart leapt, and then sank. He couldn’t take an offer like that. “What about Quint?”

  “Quint’s on a three-year contract. He’ll reprise the role in the fall, provided his leg heals and the doctor clears him to return. I can’t offer you anything past May. But I spoke with Equity and they’d be willing to roll over the contract. A short-term one, for the next three months.”

  “Yeah, man, besides. I want to go home and recuperate in my own damned bed and be waited on hand and foot by my husband,” Quint chimed in again. Leo had forgotten he was on speaker phone again, damn it.

  “You’re sure?” What was he talking about? It didn’t matter if Quint was sure, or that Reg wanted him. Leo couldn’t go.

  “Hell yeah. I want to do the down time and then the hellish PT I’m in for at home. With doctors and therapists I already know. It doesn’t make any sense for me to keep touring with a bum leg. I’m just sitting around. This is a better option for me. And I dunno, I’d feel weird asking someone else to come out and pinch-hit for me for a couple months, and then just go back to being an understudy or back in the chorus line in New York afterward.”

  It made sense. Them offering it to Leo. Leo who wasn’t currently working, Leo who wouldn’t have to change or break a contract, Leo who wouldn’t put up a fight for the role when twelve weeks were over. He’d just been ready to give it up after two. What was twelve more?

  He could go back to making money instead of just mooching off Evangeline. The sublet in his New York apartment was taking care of the rent there. And he didn’t have a ton of other expenses, but still. No. He couldn’t leave Evangeline. Or Charlotte.

  Somehow in the past seven months, he and Charlotte had become siblings again. Actually closer now as adults than they’d ever been as kids. Was he willing to risk that for his career? Even if it was only a few months of his dream role? He shook his head. Even if he was, he wasn’t willing to give up Evangeline.

  “So, what do you say?” Reg asked.

  Leo couldn’t accept. He just couldn’t. “You really want me to tour with the production? I mean, it’s a huge opportunity. I just... I don’t know if I can.”

  “It’s a big ask, I know. I should have spoken with you sooner, but we had some contractual things to work out on our end. I don’t need an answer today. We’re heading to San Francisco tomorrow, but the next performance isn’t for six days, so you have some time to decide. But if you could let me know by Tuesday, that would be great. I could get someone else out to the West Coast in enough time for opening night if I have to.”

  Leo was stunned. A huge part of him wanted to say yes. But he knew he couldn’t. Maybe someday he could have it all, everything he’d ever wanted with his career and everything he’d never thought he could have in his personal life. Maybe one day. But not today.

  “Don’t be an idiot,” Evangeline said, pushing her way into his bedroom, ready to smack him upside his head.

  Leo startled, spinning toward her. “Reg, let me uh, call you right back,” he said before tapping the screen of his phone and setting it down.

  If she hadn’t overheard him on the phone, would he even have told her about the offer to go on tour? Probably not. Because clearly he was determined to stay. And she couldn’t let that happen. She’d been trying for two weeks to get herself to give him up. Two weeks of trying to convince herself she didn’t need him. Didn’t want him. But her wants and needs couldn’t matter right now.

  “You have to take it, Leo. This is an incredible opportunity. Charlotte and I, we’ll be fine. I promise. You have to go on tour with them. Take Quint’s role until he heals up. Whether that’s a few weeks or longer, doesn’t matter. How long will the tour last, two months, three? You can’t stay here. Not for me.” She couldn’t allow that. She wouldn’t allow that.

  “I don’t care what you do, minx. I’m not leaving.”

  Evangeline gave him her hardest stare, crossing her arms. He was leaving damn it. He had to leave. Because she wouldn’t stand in the way of his dreams. And because it was the only way she could figure out what the hell to do with herself. She needed time. She needed space. She had to figure out who she was without Benson. And without Leo. She couldn’t do that living here in Kempert Manor with him. Maybe she couldn’t do that living here in Kempert Manor, period.

  “You don’t care? So. I don’t get a say in the matter?”

  “I mean, no. If you want the truth. No, you don’t get a say in the matter. Because that’s what you wanted. That’s how this works. You told me this is what you wanted. I will choose what is best for you, for us, not the other way around. And I choose to stay. I am not going. This won’t work long-distance. You know that, minx. You gave the choice to me. You gave up control, total control, to me.”

  Every part of what she’d wanted, he was now going to use against her. Well, if he could play hardball, so could she.

  She nodded. “Okay, Leo. Fine. But I’m locking my door tonight. You are no longer welcome in my bed. Our contract ends. Right now. Aardvark.” She tried so hard to ignore the wrenching in her heart at the words.

  He looked like she’d kicked him in the face. He’d been so happy. And she was ruining it. But she had no choice. She had to let him go.

  “I’m calling aardvark.” She had never thought she’d use it. When they agreed to close to a 24/7 power exchange, she’d been convinced that he would never push her too far. Never make her need to use the safeword. And she didn’t want to use it now, but she couldn’t be selfish any longer. She wouldn’t. “Okay? So, that’s it. It’s done. Over. And you’d be an idiot not to take this chance. You have to. But even if you stubbornly stay here in some futile attempt to continue things, know that I’m done. I have used my safeword. I am crying uncle. No more. We have finally reached my definition of too much. And it’s you, staying here, out of some sense of obligation to your dead brother, or to me. So, yes, I get a choice. I am taking a choice here. Aardvark,” she repeated, driving home her point. She hated hurting him. She hated it. But she would hate making him stay even more.

  He looked shell-shocked. Like he’d just come home from battle. And she could relate. It was how she felt. Battered. Bruised. Massacred.

  She wouldn’t show it.

  “Aardvark?” he finally said, his voice hollow. He swallowed hard. He didn’t reach for her. Didn’t advance on her. Didn’t use pretty words to try to sway her. This was the deal they’d made. If she used the safeword, that was it. He was a man of his word. A man of honor. Damn him. Because right now she wanted him to go back on that word. She wanted him to tell her to stop being an idiot, put her over his knee, and remind her who was boss.

  “Yes, Leo. Aardvark.” She made her face a mask, refusing to show him just what this was doing to her. She wouldn’t be weak. She couldn’t be weak.

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  How could two syllables say so much? They said, please don’t do this and I fucking hate you all at once. They said please, no, and damn it, minx. They said something else too. Something else she refused to name. He didn’t love her. He just thought he did. They had formed a bond, certainly, but it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be love. Not with all the baggage they both carried into this fucked-up situation. Not with her sense of needing him and his sense of duty to her.

  As she watched, his face shut down. His eyes went blank. His mouth pressed into a line. Not angry, not sad, not happy. Just there.

  “Okay,” she echoed. And then she turned away f
rom him and walked away. Tears clawed at the back of her throat, but she held them at bay. Leo didn’t follow her. Didn’t shove her up against the wall, tell her shut her impertinent mouth and behave.

  She made it all the way to the bedroom, with the door firmly closed and locked behind her before she allowed the tears to fall. She’d walked out, and for the first time in months, he hadn’t followed her. That, more than anything, told her that things were over.

  She wouldn’t be his burden any longer. It was time to set her savior free. For his own good.

  Chapter Thirty

  She’d called aardvark. Three weeks ago, when she’d worn his marks like the proud warrior she was, he’d finally let it sink in that maybe, just maybe, he’d found the person who could handle him. Who could take everything he could dish out, and ask for more.

  If she hadn’t called aardvark after that, he’d hoped she never would. He’d been wrong. He fought the urge to put a hole in the bedroom wall. But he couldn’t stay in the house right now. Because all he wanted to do was follow wherever she’d gone, force her to change her mind. And he would never do that.

  He had been the one to insist on a safeword, and he damned well wasn’t going to be the one to violate the sanctity of it. He had to go. He grabbed his coat and his wallet, put on his shoes, and stormed from the house. Only fear of breaking something irreparably kept him from slamming the door closed behind him.

  He walked into town, more than a mile away, in the cold breeze but under the warming sun, and he tried to figure out what the hell he would do now. He knew eventually she’d push him away. He just hadn’t expected it to come now. He’d been foolish to allow that hope to take hold in the past few weeks. How could he have been so stupid?

  She’ll never love you. Not the way she loved Benson.

  The reminder was like being dunked in a bucket of ice. He shivered, pulling his coat more tightly around him. He wound his way up and down the main streets of Spartan, NV, trying to get his head to stop flailing.

  He stood staring at the theater for a long time, trying to find the right path forward. Three months. Could he really leave behind the life he’d come to want here at Kempert Manor with his minx? Could he leave Charlotte behind? She’d started her job; she was convinced Pete wouldn’t be a problem any longer. She was in a much better place. She wasn’t afraid anymore. He had thoroughly taught her how to defend herself against her ex-husband. How to fight for her life. How to kill him, if it came to that.

  He didn’t think he had to stay there to protect her any longer. Neither of the two most important women in his life needed him anymore. Evangeline had been clear. It wouldn’t matter if he stayed; she was off-limits to him from here on out. Period.

  He took a deep breath and strode through the front doors of the theater. The building was open to performers most of the afternoon and he took a moment to sit in the theater itself, watching the dark stage, wondering if he could do this. If he could spend the next three months with this group of talented people, putting on the show he’d always wanted to star in, in theaters like this one all around the west coast and mid-west. How could he not?

  Still, he wanted to stay. He wanted to keep Evangeline. Even though she’d trounced all over his heart. Even though she didn’t want him. Even though he had to honor the deal. None of that stopped him from wanting to stay. From showing her that she could choose not to want him all she wanted, but he still chose her.

  Oh, yeah, ’cause that wasn’t entirely Phantom stalkerish of him. What was he gonna do next, hang a man from the rafters? Toss a chandelier? He couldn’t help from laugh, sitting in the empty theater. No. He wouldn’t become that man. That monster.

  He was afraid if he stayed, that was the man he would become. He didn’t know how long he stayed there, alone in the quiet theater, but eventually voices started to filter in from backstage. It was time to put on their last performance in Nevada. But, it wouldn’t be his last performance. He’d decided. He would go, and he would give his work the attention and dedication it deserved. And in three months, maybe he would be brave enough to tell Evangeline how he felt. Maybe he would be brave enough to see if she wanted him, not just someone to control her when she felt out of control. And just maybe, his minx would choose him.

  ***

  When the knock came on her door, Evangeline seriously considered ignoring it. She’d meant what she said. Leo wasn’t welcome here. She glanced at the clock. Seven already. That must be Charlotte knocking, then, because Leo would already be at the theater.

  She’d been in here for hours. Sulking. Crying. And she suddenly realized she was starving. But she was not going to ignore it, now that she realized it. She got up from her bed, checked her wretched reflection. Her face was splotchy.

  “Be right out,” she called, and ducked into her bathroom. She splashed cool water on her face, took a few deep breaths, and filled a cup. After a couple sips, she looked better. Not great, but better.

  She opened the door to Charlotte’s concerned face. “You okay?”

  She nodded and said, “No.”

  Charlotte smiled. “I figured as much. Leo stormed out of here this afternoon, and you’ve been locked in your room since. I figured you’d had a fight.”

  “You could say that.”

  “I made dinner.”

  “You’re a star.” Evangeline nodded. “Let’s eat.”

  “And you can tell me what that idiot did to make you cry.” Charlotte shook her head, and turned, making her way back down the stairs. Evangeline followed, trying to find the right words for Charlotte. But, thankfully, the other woman didn’t press. They sat at the table and ate bacon mac and cheese in silence for a while.

  When Evangeline was finally full, she sighed. “Your brother didn’t do anything. I did. He was asked to go on tour with the company. To stay on as Phantom. I don’t know all the details, as I just heard a few snippets of his conversation, but they asked, and I knew he was going to say no. I told him not to be an idiot, and that even if he stayed, we were over.” Just saying the words aloud made her heart wrench, made her want to cry. But she didn’t. She wasn’t going to be sad anymore. She was done with that. Done with feeling pathetic and weepy. She’d cried more in the last year than she had in the previous decade. That wasn’t her. She didn’t want to be that person. She wasn’t going to be. “I told him he had to leave.”

  Charlotte’s eyes grew wide. “How’d that go?”

  Evangeline couldn’t stop a small smile. “About as well as you’d expect. I’m kind of surprised I didn’t hear anything go smash, boom, bang afterward.” Except her. She’d gone smash boom bang, for sure. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. She was going to be happy for Leo. He deserved this. After everything he’d done for her. After everything he’d given up. She was going to do this for him.

  “Yeah. I guess that’s progress at least.”

  They finished up dinner and cleaned the kitchen.

  “I’m sorry things aren’t working out for you two,” Charlotte said.

  “Me too. But it’s not unexpected. It wasn’t ever supposed to be a permanent thing.” She wasn’t going to go into further details with Charlotte who already knew far too much about Evangeline’s sex life. With both of Charlotte’s brothers. Ick. No, definitely, she was done sharing.

  “Oh, I almost forgot. This came by special delivery while you were upstairs.” Charlotte picked up a flat cardboard envelope and handed it to her. Odd. She wasn’t expecting anything.

  “Thanks.”

  “What are you going to do the rest of the night?”

  “I’ll probably just hang out upstairs, to be honest. Chill out before I have to be back to work tomorrow. You?”

  “Same. I love being back to work, really. But it’s also exhausting. It’s taking me some time to get used to it.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. Thanks again for making dinner.”

  “No problem.”

  Evangeline brought the mailer upstairs and closed her bedroom door
behind her. She’d been glad for a few minutes of company, but really, she just wanted to be alone.

  She opened the cardboard and pulled out a beige envelope from inside.

  My darling Angel.

  Evangeline’s eyes burned with new tears as she ran her fingers over the script on the front of the envelope. She didn’t know what she expected would be inside that cardboard, but she’d never expected this.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Evangeline was shaking. She wanted to tear the envelope open, greedy for every word that was inside. Her Sir. Her Master. Sending her a note from beyond the grave.

  She took care opening the envelope, determined not to risk ripping the words on the front. When she got it open, she lowered herself onto the small chair at her vanity, and took a deep breath, trying to get her fingers to stop shaking enough so she could read the notes. There were two scrawled pages.

  The top was dated, 1 August 2012. That was... years ago. He’d written her a note years before his death. To be sent to her after he died. What if that hadn’t happened for another forty years? She couldn’t stop her mind from reviewing it from every angle. How had he known he was going to die? Had he known about the aneurysm and never told her? Had he been walking around with a ticking bomb inside his head all these years and never done anything about it? He was a doctor for fuck’s sake!

  She would kill him. She was going to resurrect his ass and beat him over the head with a shovel. How could he have done that to her? How could he never have told her? Read the note, woman. Stop jumping to conclusions.

  After another deep breath, she smoothed out the paper on the tabletop and forced herself to focus on his words.

  My dearest Angel,

  This is my just-in-case letter. I hope you never actually read it. But if you do, that means I’m gone. You’ve been under my care and protection several years now, and I can’t seem to give you up. I know I should. I know that you’re getting better. I know that soon you won’t need me anymore. But I love you too much. I’m too selfish. I can’t give you up.