“Give me up? You idiot. I didn’t want you to give me up.” She was arguing with a letter. Was she finally losing her mind?
I know that you’re likely to outlive me. And unless you leave me between now and my death, I put a plan in place. I’m sure it’s a plan you’re going to hate, but I can’t help worrying about you. After this last relapse, Angel, I have to have a plan. I worry too much. I know you don’t see it. I fight very hard not to let you. But it’s constant. I am terrified of losing you. Is it possible to love someone too much?
“Yes,” she said out loud. As if he could hear her. As if they were having a conversation. “Relapse...” she looked at the date again. Oh, God. She was probably still in the hospital when he wrote this. The year she’d tried to have some kind of relationship with her mother. She’d thought herself an adult. She’d thought she was old enough, strong enough, to reconcile with that woman. Against Benson’s advice.
She’d done it anyway, behind his back, and it had been a disaster. She’d started hiding food, stopped eating anytime he wasn’t in the room. The stress of even speaking to her mom, let alone trying to see her had been... too much. And her body had spiraled quickly, landing her back in the hospital. Christ. No wonder Benson had panicked. He’d never let it show. Never let her see just how much of a burden she was to him.
So, my dear one. I sent you my brother. You obviously know that by now, since this letter should be timed to come to you months after my death. He’s the only one I would even remotely trust to help care for you. Renee broke us apart, but he’s a good kid. A good man, by now, I’m sure. And if he can follow my instructions, you two will be good for each other. I almost wish I could be there to see it. I knew you wouldn’t like it. I’m sure that it’s been hard for you. But the alternative, leaving you alone with no one in your corner, I just can’t bear the thought. You need family, Angel. Family that isn’t toxic and evil. Family that will take care of you the way it’s supposed to. And so, you can have mine.
Reading became blurry. She swiped the tears away, terrified they would fall and mar Benson’s words. Sniffing, she continued.
I hope that by the time I’ve gone, your disease is a thing of the past. That you’ve realized how strong you are, that you don’t need your mother. Or her approval. That you never did. I hope you’ve realized that you can have the world. That you can conquer the whole world, your doubt, your disease: all of it. You can have all of it, Evangeline. If only you believed in yourself the way I do, Angel. So, yes, I sent Leo to you, but not to take care of you, not really.
“That’s exactly why you sent him to me, damn it. You told him so. You begged and pleaded with him that I needed him. You told him he had to help me, that you were terrified for me. And he did it, damn you, Benson. He did it!” Leo had come to her rescue. Leo had saved her.
In a few weeks, my brother will receive another letter from me, telling him that his duty has been fulfilled. That he no longer owes me. Because by now, you will no doubt have realized just how strong you are. Hopefully sparring with my brother has shown you how invincible you are. My Angel is the only person in the world strong enough to bring a Hastings man to his knees.
“I have, in fact. You insufferable man.” He’d sent Leo to her not because he thought she wasn’t strong enough. Not because he had believed she couldn’t beat her disease on her own. But to show her she could.
After you two have parted ways, I want you to find love, Angel, real love. The kind you never had with me. Now, don’t protest.
“Of course I’m going to protest, you imbecile. I loved you!”
I know you cared deeply for me, Angel. But you were so young when we met, so lost. The woman you are becoming, she doesn’t need me. I have always known one day you wouldn’t need me. I just hope that day is long in the future. Because I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything in this world. And you deserve that again. You deserve someone who worships you, and who you can love deeply, fiercely, in return. Someone you can be strong with. Someone that hasn’t saved you. So much of what you feel for me is because I rescued you from that hell you were living in. I’ve always known it. I just didn’t realize how much I would come to cherish you. But you need a partner. Not a protector.
I love you, Angel. Now go, live your life. The life you choose. Any way you want to. Anywhere. With anyone. Be free, my Angel. And fly.
From Sir, with love.
The tears flowed in earnest now, streaming down her cheeks, her body shaking. She pushed herself back from the letter, from the truth in Benson’s words, and let her mind race. Had she never loved him? How could that be true?
She shook her head. “Damn you, Benson.” Why had he told her all this? Why had he burdened her with such guilt? Twelve years. Twelve years of living with this man, of loving him, and... it had all been a lie?
She shoved that thought away. No. Not a lie. He’d loved her. She knew that. And she had cared for him deeply. She had wanted to spend all her days and nights with him. She had wanted him to be proud of her. She had wanted his love, his care, his protection. If that wasn’t love, what was?
Her chest burned. She pressed a hard hand to her breastbone, trying to quell the ache. Benson had called himself selfish, unable to give her up. Unable to let her go, even though he knew she didn’t love him.
Was this aching hole inside her, this churning of her stomach, this burning from the inside out... love? Was she in love with her Sir’s brother in a way she had never loved him?
The truth crashed through her. And now, here she was, doing to him what Benson had done to her. Holding on to someone who didn’t love her back, who couldn’t love her back the way she loved him. If she couldn’t make Leo leave, if she couldn’t convince him that he had to go, then she had to be the one to do it.
Tonight, while he was on the stage, she would pack, and she would leave.
She would leave. For him.
Chapter Thirty-Two
“Gone? What the fuck do you mean she’s gone?” Leo couldn’t stop from screaming at Charlotte.
“She and I had dinner, and she went back upstairs, and I watched a movie. I think I dozed a bit. It was a little after midnight when I ventured out, and there was a note on the kitchen table. Along with her car keys.”
Char handed him the note, and Leo’s disbelief turned to rage. She’d left. She had known, somehow, that he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Even though he’d told Reg yes, he’d regretted it immediately.
“Damn it.” Leo tried to focus enough to read. Evangeline’s note was to Charlotte, not to him.
Charlotte, I’m sorry to do to this, but I’ve decided I need some time away. I’ll leave my car, you’re free to use it whenever you need to. I’ll be in touch when I can. But I don’t expect I’ll be back anytime soon. The bills are all in my name and I’ll take care of the taxes on the house and all the big stuff. If you’re going to stay, and I hope you do, if you could take care of the utilities when they come in, I can send money to you after if you just let me know what to send. If you decide to move, you can reach me at the number I texted you. Tell your brother not to be an idiot and follow me. ~Evangeline.
Leo’s hand fisted around the paper, crumpling it into a little ball in seconds. His heart pounded. His vision blurred. Not only had she cut off their relationship, she had left. Just up and left. He shoved himself back from the table and pounded up the stairs two at a time. He ripped into Evangeline’s room and started pulling open drawers, then the closet. She hadn’t cleared everything out, but the drawers and closet were missing things. Her things. She’d left him. How could she have done this?
He dropped to his knees and punched the carpet once, twice. Only by sheer force of will did he stop from hitting it over and over again until his knuckles bled, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. His stomach roiled, his post-show pizza threatening to make a reappearance.
“Leo?” Charlotte asked from the doorway.
He spun. “Where is
she? Where did she go?”
“I honestly don’t know.” She looked at him like he was a wounded animal. And damn it, that’s exactly what he felt like.
“She gave you a number. Where to reach her.” He was grasping at straws; he knew he was. But he couldn’t help it. His head, his heart, they both refused to believe she was just gone. That she wouldn’t be here in a few months when he came back, that the hope he’d had that they could maybe, just maybe, figure this out was lost now. She was lost to him.
Charlotte was shaking her head. “She told me not to give you the number. Said if you reached out, she’d change it again, and then neither of us would be able to reach her. Don’t chase her Leo. If she needs to go, just let her go.”
“What if I can’t?”
“Do you love her?” Charlotte’s bold question made him get to his feet.
He answered quickly, “Yes. I think I do.” In fact, now that she was gone, he was positive. Because she had absolutely just broken his fucking heart. He loved her. And she had left him.
“Then let her decide what she wants. Go on this tour, do what you need to for yourself, and let her do the same.”
“What if I can’t?” he repeated.
“Do you want her to take you back because you hounded her halfway across the world, or to wherever she is and pushed her to take you back? Or do you want her to want to be with you?”
“Stop using logic on me, damn it.”
Charlotte gave him a small smile. “You fell in love with the woman your brother loved. There’s a lot to unpack there. You both have some shit to sort through. So maybe you should use this time to do that. To make sure of what you want.”
“I know what I want.” Did he? Was it a lie?
“Why don’t you try to get some rest, brother? You’ve had a long day, and you’re diving into something exciting, but also tiring. It’s going to be a lot of work. Just promise me you’re also not going to disappear in the middle of the night too, huh?” She raised her brows.
Since it was already well past midnight, that would be impossible, but he wasn’t going to point out the flaw in her statement. He didn’t want to rest. He knew he couldn’t at this point, but there was no reason to keep Charlotte up and worried into the approaching dawn with him. He’d go into his room, and find a way to not destroy everything he saw with his rage.
“Yeah, all right.” He turned the light off on their way out, but he couldn’t bear to close the door. What was it going to be like in this house without Evangeline? “What about you? You can’t tell me you want me to run off touring with the production and leave you here alone?”
She laughed. “Of course I do. My divorce is finalized. I’m enjoying my new job, I’m becoming myself again. I know how to take care of myself, now, thanks to you. I’m not worried about Pete. I don’t think he’ll show up, now that he knows I’m not afraid of him anymore. I’ll be fine, little brother. You don’t have to stick around just to protect me. I’m good. You have to go back to living your own life. If it’s one thing my marriage taught me, it’s that a relationship, even an unconventional one, still has to have some level of equality in it. Staying behind, giving things up, sacrificing too much of yourself, it isn’t healthy. You can’t build a relationship on that kind of uneven ground. And that’s what would have happened if she’d stayed. If you both stayed. And you know it.”
He did, damn it. He hated how much sense she was making. But he couldn’t discount it either.
“Okay. But damn it, if he shows up after I leave...”
“I’ll take care of him. You showed me how.” She smiled. “Thank you for that, by the way.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Of course.” He pulled her into a hug, unsure if it was more for his comfort, or for hers, but she hugged him back, and for a minute, he was just glad to have his sister with him. He cleared his throat, and they released one another. “Get some rest. And please let me know if you hear from her, just so I know she’s okay. Just so I don’t worry.” He would worry, regardless of what news was passed to him by way of his sister. But if he at least knew Evangeline was okay and safe out there in the world somewhere, it might stop him from going completely insane.
“I’ll let you know,” Charlotte said. “But that’s all I can promise. I won’t be the go-between, and I won’t tell you where she is, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. It’s late. You better get some sleep.”
“Goodnight.”
“You too,” he said, and went into his room. He closed the door behind him quietly, though all he wanted to do was slam it, and punch things. Break them. Hadn’t Evangeline called that redecorating when he showed up all those months ago?
He felt a small smile tug at his lips. Yeah, he was in the mood for some serious redecorating. He flipped on his light and saw an envelope on his pillow. He raced forward and tore it open.
Leo,
I know this is a dick move. But I didn’t trust you to go if I stayed. And I need you to go. I need you to be free of your obligation to me. Benson wrote me a letter. Explained some things, and I just need some time. Time to figure things out. And I can’t have you staying for me. It’s not fair. You already gave up too much to help me. And I will be forever grateful to you for it. But your obligation to your brother, and to me, is done now, Leo.
You have to go back to your life. To living for you, and what you want. And for the first time ever, I’m going to learn to do the same thing. It’s taken me a lifetime, but I finally realized that I am strong enough to stand on my own. You showed me that. So, I’m doubly grateful to you. I can’t wait to find out who and what I can be, without anyone else telling me. I’m excited for what that can mean for me. So please don’t worry, okay? I’ll be fine. In fact, I think I’ll be a lot better than fine. I hope the rest of the production tour goes off without a hitch, and you get the opportunity to play Phantom long into the future. Thank you for showing me how amazingly strong I actually am. And for letting me go off and prove it to myself.
XOXO,
Minx
Leo put the note down on the bedside table before he destroyed this one too. His throat burned, his eyes too. She was going to be fine without him. Better than fine, she’d said. Without him.
He let the words tear through him over and over again as he lay there and cried for the first time in a very long time.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Three months later...
What the hell are you doing here? Evangeline asked herself for the hundredth time. She’d left the warmth of Tuscany, for the freezing wind of Chicago. It was May for fuck’s sake. Even Chicago didn’t have any business being this cold in May. She shivered, waiting in the line, praying they would open the doors soon. She looked at her watch, 7:35. Come on!
She knew if she were just walking down the street the cold wouldn’t bother her so much. It was the fact that she was here in this line. Waiting to see him.
Three months, and she still hadn’t stopped thinking about Leo. Three months, and she could still hear his voice, still see his obsidian eyes as they filled with desire for her, still feel the heat of his body. She looked at her phone every morning for his texts that weren’t there. Through England and Ireland, France, Luxembourg, Germany, Spain, and now Italy, it didn’t matter where she lay her head, or what adventures she sought: the one constant remained. Leo.
Finally, the doors opened, and she shuffled forward with the crowd, into the warmth of the beautiful lobby. She pulled out her ticket and found her way slowly through the crowd to her seat. Anticipation bubbled inside her. She’d fought the urge to buy tickets for three full months. She’d followed every scrap of news about the tour she could find. There had been a few articles about Leo and taking over for Quint, and how he had fallen into the role he was always meant to play.
Tonight was their last show, and she hadn’t been able to resist the temptation to see him again. Even in his mask. Even though he would never know she was there.
His most recent interview
had mentioned what was next for Leo, and his answer had been an artful non-answer. He hadn’t made any commitments yet. But he’d keep everyone posted. She couldn’t let him see her. Because if she still felt this strongly after fighting for three months to forget him, she didn’t want him to use her as an excuse to not do what he wanted.
She’d corresponded with Charlotte, sending texts when she could, and post-cards from one of the food stops in every city she visited. She was fairly sure Charlotte had shared news with Leo, for which she was glad. She didn’t want him to worry about her. She didn’t want anyone to worry about her. Not anymore.
She’d been sure to get seats up in the balcony, and not in the first few rows. They were cheaper seats, and while she would have liked to get closer, to see him better, she knew this was safer.
She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry, as the house lights dimmed, and the opening scene came to life on stage. It felt like the first scenes took ages, but she knew they were only a few minutes. The auction, the opening dance number with Carlotta, the change-over to Christine. It all took absolutely forever. Evangeline sat frozen in her seat, her attention focused on the mirror as soon as it appeared on the stage, knowing any second she would hear ...yes. Leo’s voice rang out through the theater and she could suddenly breathe again. She closed her eyes, strained her ears, soaked in every second, every blissful note. That voice. Haunting. Beautiful. Hers.
Not anymore. You made sure of that.
The voice in her head had been quiet, but tonight it seemed eager to taunt her about what she’d thrown away. She shoved the voice aside. She’d never had Leo. Not in truth. She knew that. As his song ended, Evangeline sighed, and slumped back in her seat. She spent the next three hours doing this: leaning forward, rapt, focused, every time he was on stage, and slumped back in her seat, torturing herself every time he was off the stage. A few times, he’d looked up into the balcony, and she’d been sure he could see her. Even though she knew it was impossible. When the crowd stood and cheered, she remained in her seat, hidden, like the coward she was.
From Sir, With Love Page 28