Love's Delusion

by Flynn Eire

  “Techies, I swear,” Matteo chuckled, trying to lighten the mood some.

  “Yeah, we’re a special breed.” I wiped my eyes again and headed for the door. “Thanks for telling me all of this.”

  “What have you decided then? About the dirty thing?” I glanced at him, seeing the worry in his eyes and choosing to be honest.

  “I don’t think he raped me. Maybe that’s not how others would see it, but if he cared enough to save me, if he felt something for me because of the bond, then he was sucked into what happened as well. He was still the villain and a horrible demon, but at least that I can chalk up to an inebriated mistake on both sides.”

  “There’s not a right answer here, Gilroy. It’s whatever you feel and that may change once you’ve had time.”

  “Time doesn’t always heal more wounds or give you more answers,” I chuckled darkly. “Mostly I find it just beats the dead horse and keeps me from moving on. I want to move on. That’s the box I’m putting it in and none of it was my fault. It was fake, I didn’t want it, but I don’t feel violated like I did before.”

  “Then I’m glad it helped.” He gave me a real smile, and I left, needing some space.

  Except I promised to bring Xana some dinner. I texted him that I was going to be a bit late, that something had come up. Then I headed to my room, took a breather and a shower, needing to wash some of the mental shit off me and let the steam and hot water cleanse me body and soul. Then I dressed in some warmer clothes, not sure what to be prepared for up in the guard tower, packed the journal and some other stuff in a bag, grabbed some to-go meals for us, and headed up to see my future… Hoping I could get over my past.

  Doesn’t everyone though?

  “Okay, I officially don’t like being the fucking watchdog up here for once,” Xana huffed, jumping to his feet as the elevator door opened on the upper level of the tower after taking it up.

  Well that was about the last greeting I expected. “Huh?”

  “I could tell you were upset or something was up from your texts,” he grumbled, taking the food containers from me and setting them down. “But I couldn’t leave and check on you. Then you stopped answering, and I was about to call for someone to come cover me here I was so freaked out. I can’t just duck out like you can in the command center. It’s just me and—”

  “Hey, I’m fine,” I assured him as I walked into his arms. He sighed, hugging me tightly.

  “Liar.”

  “Okay, not fine, but better now that I’m here. I’m sorry I worried you. I just needed a bit to myself to take a breath.”

  “Do you want to be alone tonight?” he asked gently.

  I thought about that, having already considered it somewhat while I’d been showering, but then I got lost in the Winston tsunami on my mind. “No, no I’m right where I want to be. I realized when I was going over what Matteo said and trying to figure out how I feel about it I knew I needed to wash again and—”

  “What is it with you and doing that?” He grabbed my shoulders and moved me away enough so he could look into my eyes. “You are not dirty. It’s not your fault. The victim is never the one who—”

  “I know,” I cut in, seeing how badly this upset him. “I know, Xana. The shower thing came long before that, I promise. It was the only place I seemed to ever find some semblance of peace with a houseful of noisy, nosey, loud, opinionated, know-it-alls who felt the need to always tell me everything I was doing was wrong, get involved in everything, and never left me alone unless I was naked in the shower. That didn’t even always work because they’d just yell at me from outside the bathroom but the water drowned them out.”

  “Wow, I didn’t realize having a big family could be such an annoyance.”

  I blinked up at him a moment before doing a great impression of a fish. “Who said I had a big family?”

  “Oh, you make them sound like an army or something.”

  “No,” I snorted, shaking my head. “Mom, Dad, older brother, younger sister. That’s it. Loudmouthed and involved in everything they weren’t welcome in, selfishly altruistic to receive the pat on the back like dealing with their dorkish warrior middle child who they assumed was gay though I really was asexual back then and I disappointed them at every turn.”

  “You have issues. Lots and lots of issues.” He was smirking so I knew there wasn’t any malice in his words.

  “Don’t we all, Mr. I-Handed-Helios-The-Wyrok-His-Ass?” I shot right back with a raised eyebrow.

  “That’s a conversation for another day,” he muttered.

  I searched his eyes and nodded. “Fair enough.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Hey, you’ve been patient with me and all my crap. It’s the least I can do for you.”

  “That and maybe remember I can’t leave here so if your worrywart boyfriend knows you were going to get something like your captor’s journal and then you seem distant and withdrawn, cutting him some slack and telling him what’s up so he doesn’t freak out and burn down the guard tower as a reason not to be in it.”

  I smiled as he ranted, touched how concerned he was for me. I stood on my toes and brushed my lips against his. “I can do that.”

  “Thank you, baby.” He sighed and leaned his forehead down to mine. “Seriously, are you okay?”

  “No, but I’m better now that I’m with you. Let’s eat and I’ll fill you in. Cold pot roast sucks.”

  “It does,” he chuckled.

  I took the chair next to the one he’d been sitting in when I’d arrived and filled him in on everything that had happened and what I’d learned while we ate. It took a while because I, of course, added in my own thoughts on the subject and where I was at with the whole thing. When I was done, our containers were empty and Xana was sitting there with a frown.

  “So what do you think?” I asked after several minutes of silence, clearing my throat.

  “I think I need some air,” he whispered as he jumped out of his seat. “Please watch the tower.” He was in the elevator before I could reply or remind him I hadn’t taken a guard shift since I was a post-trans or a new warrior so I wasn’t sure I remembered everything I was supposed to do.

  My heart sank as the elevator doors closed, as if there was a greater meaning than simply some metal shutting between Xana and I. Had I been so deluded again into thinking that there was something real between us? That I could have something real with another person. Granted, things with Winston were instantaneous, and if I’d been in my right mind, I’d have caught on to that and known the truth, but with Xana… I don’t know. They’d crept up on me.

  All I knew was my heart hurt that he’d run from me now when I’d turned to him, come to him to ask him what he thought, and tell him I was pretty sure I knew a piece of the puzzle that would help me heal.

  I wasn’t sure what else to do but clean up dinner, ignore my burning eyes, and keep watch. After finding the checklist I was sure Xana didn’t need anymore, I made sure the cameras and monitors were up, the sensors were active—all of it, then I sat down and pulled out Winston’s journal. I didn’t get lost in it, actually needing a breather after each entry to check on things again or I thought the tightness in my chest could suffocate me from seeing what he put on paper about me.

  At least I understood why everyone hadn’t wanted me to see this and what Matteo had warned me about. Hell, Winston hadn’t even referred to me by name, simply the warrior candidate.

  About an hour later, I was done, only having a few days left of entries to read. I stared out at the darkness of the windows, barely glancing at the monitors and keeping watch the old way like warriors did before the modern cheats as I’d heard Xana call them several times. It kinda warmed my heart thinking about his quirks that I liked before we’d even gotten together.

  And hurt that much worse that I was sitting alone because he’d finally had enough of my issues.

  When the elevator opened, it snapped me out of my chaotic thoughts.

  “I
’m sorry,” he rasped as he stepped off it.

  “It’s fine,” I lied as I stood and collected my things.

  “Please don’t go.”

  “No, it’s cool. I’m going to go crash in my own room tonight.” I stuff the journal in my bag and went to dart around him, my head hanging.

  Which made it that much easier for him to block me because I wasn’t looking. “Let me explain.”

  “Why do you love me?” I blurted instead. I hadn’t realized it until I’d said it but that was what had been on the front of my mind and bothering me. How could he leave and walk away like that if he really loved me?

  “What?” he rasped, his deep blue eyes filling with pain.

  “Never mind, it was stupid to ask,” I muttered, trying to push past him. That was stupid as well. I would have had better luck trying to move a stone wall.

  He grabbed my arm and spun me around. “Just because I left doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” I shrugged, looking away. “It doesn’t, Gilroy.”

  “Okay, if you say so. I’ve never been in love that wasn’t a chemically, Zakasac blood induced fake thing. How would I know?” I swallowed loudly and met his eyes. “But I still would think you should be able to answer the question if you do.”

  “I can, I just don’t understand why you’re asking me this now like you’re testing me because I was overwhelmed and felt guilty I tried to kill you!”

  I turned away as if he’d hit me. So we were back to that. Always back to that. “I told you I’ve forgiven you for that, Xana. You made a mistake and you didn’t hurt me. If you can’t get past that, then there’s no point in answering or us even trying. I can’t keep having that hanging over our heads or—”

  “Because you’re sweet to everyone and you don’t play favorites,” he blurted out, a little louder than needed, desperately almost.

  “What?” I whispered, slowly looking at him, my heart racing when I saw how wide and wild his eyes were.

  “I love you because you’re always nice to everyone who comes to you for help,” he clarified as he let me go and ran his hands over his head. “You never get annoyed that someone keeps coming to you for the same thing. You treat every instance as a new thing, that one time asking for help, and you’re kind, patient, and sweet to everyone. I’ve never seen you play favorites, move someone up in line, or even be mean to people during the quarterly clean sweeps.

  “If someone gives you a valid reason they need their stuff back, you do it right then, never bitching or snapping at them when they whine, always making a joke and telling them how long until it’s done. You’re like the truly nicest person I’ve ever met.”

  I gaped at him a moment and shook my head. “You’ve got to be biased or have rose-colored glasses on because I’m a dick before coffee and I snap—”

  “I’m not the only one who thinks so, Gilroy,” he argued, stopping his pacing a moment and shooting me a smirk. “We all do. It’s why we come to you.”

  “Oh.” I set down my bag and leaned against the wall. “Why don’t I have any friends besides Manny then?”

  “Because you’re a cute little dork who’s socially inept and an introvert,” he answered easily. I frowned, not liking that insult. “I think that in itself is sexy though.”

  “Huh?”

  “Well, you’re not little to anyone else but me, so yeah,” Xana chuckled as he moved closer, looking down at me as if making his point. “Ten inches is a big difference.”

  “I’m not little, you giant,” I defended, feeling kinda puny when he pointed it out like that. He edged me back against the wall, his massive frame trapping me in and highlighting his argument even more.

  “I’m your giant,” he muttered as he lowered his head to kiss me.

  I wasn’t there yet though so I turned my head away. I felt his heart pick up its pace and I hated to be mean and hurt him, but wasn’t it worse to kiss him simply to appease him? Then I at least admitted what was in my heart. “I hope you are. I want you to be, I mean, I thought I was yours.”

  “If you were anyone else, I’d swear you were fishing for compliments.” He kissed my hair. “Baby, I love you because you talk to your computer when no one’s around but not in that creepy way like that movie with the guy who fell in love with the computer who talked to him.”

  “Yeah, that preview wigged me out,” I muttered, relaxing against the wall that at least he didn’t think I was that weird. “Maybe I am fishing? It’s just you say you love me but then you love things I don’t see as positives really.”

  “Being sweet isn’t a positive?” he challenged.

  “Fair enough,” I sighed, hating how this was going and how insecure I felt.

  He was quiet a moment and then lifted my chin so I had to meet his eyes. “You need this, don’t you?” He waited until I nodded before continuing. “I love how you don’t let your food touch each other on your plate even though it’s all going in the same place. I love how your brain works and it’s so different than mine but yet you never talk down to me like others do like I’m some stupid giant who sits up in a tower and is the guard dog—”

  I gasped and blinked up at him. “That’s horrible that you think that of yourself, Xana.”

  He gave me a soft smile. “A lot of people see me like that. I know what they say about my sword fighting. I only have the one move and I suck, the big giant who can’t do much but sit up here and keep watch.”

  “People are jerks,” I grumbled, shaking my head. “I never thought that.” I worried my lower lip and then decided to lay it all out there since he was being so honest with me. “You’re the gentle giant who doesn’t care about the challenges. Yeah, you don’t just concede like Rune, because maybe you like the sex or maybe you just don’t want the rap Rune gets for letting anyone pass him, but it’s not a thing with you like some of the egomaniac jock jerks we’ve had here.”

  “You’re not as oblivious as you seem,” he muttered, studying me intently.

  That gave me the push I needed to continue. “And you’re not stupid. Sure, you might not have a techie brain like you said, but every time I see you come into the command center to drop off the log book or for help with your computer, you’ve got a different book in your hand. I know you handle the requisition forms for trades for our library with other camps and whatnot. How many books have you read over the years?”

  Now he just blinked at me before slowly shrugging.

  “More than you can count, huh?” I smiled when he nodded. “Bet you like the quiet up here, the big picture, the sun shifting in the sky, keeping a watchful eye on us while we move around and handle some of the more tedious details and you keep to the older, time-tested ways.”

  “Machines can be bypassed but my eyes can’t,” he agreed.

  “Personally I think camouflage can trick them whereas it can’t sensors but it’s the combination of both that keeps us the most secure,” I muttered.

  “As I said, you never talk down to me and always like an equal, not some superior-minded techie who knows all. I love that about you.”

  “You’ve lived longer. You might not have all the answers, but there are things you’ll know more about than I do. We stay safe because we work as a team.” I moved my hands to his chest and gave him the best smile I could muster. “I never thought you a guard dog up here even when I didn’t really know you. I thought you the patient guy doing the job I never could because it would bore me to tears. I was shocked you didn’t throw me out of the tower when I was a new warrior taking shifts up here with you for training.”

  “I loved it when you were here except I knew you hated it.”

  “I didn’t hate it. I was out of my comfort zone,” I admitted. “Like I was on your turf and in your way. I mean, you were nice to me, really patient, but I was just bored. It’s too peaceful for me.” I rolled my eyes. “That sounds so lame.”

  “I get it. We all have our parts to play.”

  “That we do.” I sighed and leaned against him, acc
epting the hug he gave me. “Why did you leave, Xana? Are you done with me?” Even saying the words made me want to cry, praying it wasn’t true.

  Mostly because I was pretty sure I was starting to fall in love with him too, and I didn’t think I could take any more heartache since this time it was real.

  7 Xana

  “No, god no, Gilroy,” I choked out as I held him tighter. “I’ll never be done with you. I love you.” I kissed his cheek and then his eyes when I heard him sniffle. I moved to his lips for a simple peck but then we stared at each other a moment and I went for more.

  Gilroy kissing me back.

  It snapped something deep inside me, a need to make things right and feel every inch of him. I pressed him into the wall, grabbing his ass and grinding hard against him as I attacked his mouth.

  He shook as if he was about to come but then he ripped his lips away from mine. “I want the sparks and to get naked. I do, but I need answers. I can’t fall in love with you if I’m going to get trampled again. It’s not fake this time for me!”

  “You love me?” I whispered, the wind getting knocked out of me.

  “I don’t know,” he admitted, closing his eyes and letting his head thunk against the wall. “I don’t know. What you were saying about loving me, it sounding like what I feel for you or almost do. I mean, I have stuff like that too with you. When the thing with the journal came up, I’d normally go to Manny to ask advice but it never crossed my mind this time. I wanted to come to you. That’s love, right?”

  I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. “I want to say yes just to hear that you love me, but I can’t say what’s in your heart.”

  “Yeah, I love that about you too,” he chuckled, shaking his head. I raised an eyebrow at that one. “How honest you are. You’d never do something as dishonorable as let your own feelings persuade your answer to get what you want. Instead you abstain to be fair so you don’t put pressure on me.”

  “Maybe you do love me,” I blurted out as I blinked at him. That sounded very much like something a person in love would say after all.