The Quiet Rise of Introverts

by Brenda Knowles

  Circadian rhythms are synchronized to daytime by exposure to the sun or bright lights. Unnatural lights from lamps, televisions, phones, computers, etc. mess with our circadian rhythms. It is best to align our bedtime and wake time with our natural rhythms, which does not mean we have to go to bed when the sun goes down and wake up when the sun comes up. It simply means to start preparing for sleep after the sun goes down. Turn off unnecessary lights, reduce screen time and stick to a consistent bedtime as much as possible (even on weekends). During the day spend some time in the sun. This will keep the rhythms running efficiently and also boost serotonin production.

  I often go to bed at the same time but wake up around three or four in the morning with my mind going 100 MPH. This kind of waking is usually caused by stress or an overly busy mind, which makes for increased activity in my brain during what are supposed to be the restorative stages of slow wave sleep.

  I’ve learned to use reading as a solution for this disruption of my sleep cycle. I do not read anything too stimulating. Fiction I find entertaining rather than educational works best. Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina is a perfect calming read, for example.

  Another trick I’ve learned is prior to going to sleep, to write down the things I’m worried about or contemplating. If I forget to do this before going to sleep it still helps if I do it when I wake up at three or four.

  Change in room temperature, hunger, the secretion of stress hormones (cortisol) and bright lights suddenly shown in the room, can also cause premature waking. Make sure your room is comfortable, you have a quality snack before bed (not simple carbohydrates, they get processed quickly leaving the body hungry again) and stress is kept to a minimum.

  Some guidelines for excellent sleep are:

  •Sleep in a continuous block. Most people need around eight hours. Don’t try to fool yourself thinking you only need four hours. Side note: Naps are not suggested because they affect optimal sleep at night.

  •Keep your bedroom for sleeping and sex only. When you walk into your room at night, your body will start the process of preparing for bed, including creating melatonin, which is a hormone derived from serotonin that prepares you for sleep.

  •Have a bedtime routine. This may include anything from brushing your teeth to doing yoga to reading. The important thing is to keep it consistent and calm.

  •Avoid caffeine or alcohol. Even if you can fall asleep caffeinated, it will disrupt your sleep stage progression and cause diminished renewal. The same with alcohol.

  •Don’t eat a large meal just before bed. Don’t drink a lot before bed either. Digestion can disrupt sleep, as can many trips to the bathroom.

  •Exercise! It boosts serotonin (which breaks down into melatonin) and sets us up for more slow-wave sleep.

  The more serotonin produced in the body, the more slow-wave sleep we experience and the less REM sleep. As mentioned earlier serotonin production increases with exercise and exposure to light.

  Sleep alleviates pain as well. Our pain thresholds lower if sleep is disrupted. Once again, continuous sleep is crucial. Without it, we experience pain as worse than it is. If we sleep well, our brains release endorphins that act as painkillers. Intense exercise also releases endorphins.

  Sleep and stress levels are intrinsically linked. Although, it may not be possible to remove stress from our lives, we do have some control over our sleep patterns. If we improve our sleep, we can reduce our stress.

  GETTING OUT OF A DOWNWARD SPIRAL

  What did I do to get out of my funk? I told my partner I felt emotional and distracted. He responded quickly by asking what was going on, demonstrating I could count on him, thus increasing my level of trust. I also benefited from the caresses and hugs he gave me later.

  I attended a church service where I felt a sense of belonging and had my values validated, again increasing my trust, easing off on the limbic reaction, and creating oxytocin.

  I decided to reserve half of the weekend for solitude and writing. I told my family and partner of my intention and allowed myself to get into thirteen hours of uninterrupted, delicious, creative flow state. I was in my element. I was productive and passionate. I felt a deep sense of satisfaction by the end of the day.

  I participated in a dance class complete with positive socializing, upbeat music, excellent cardio and strength enhancing exercise and supportive affirmations from the instructor. I left the class feeling sexy, confident, and energized.

  I went to bed around 11 o’clock and slept for a solid seven-plus hours. It was glorious. Sleep also has the added benefit of improving our appearance. Fewer bags under the eyes and more supple skin come with excellent sleep.

  Everything l did filled me up and led to reduced stress. I felt rejuvenated and ready to give to the world.

  Administering self-care is not easy. There are many challenges. We feel selfish taking the time. We do not have time to fit it in. We may already be in fight-or-flight mode and our brains are hijacked with stress hormones. We don’t have enough supportive relationships to encourage our self-care.

  Once again Stephen Covey had it right when he said, “This is the single most powerful investment we can ever make in life—investment in ourselves, in the only instrument we have with which to deal with life and to contribute.”

  CHALLENGES TO CALMING OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM

  We often feel selfish about taking care of ourselves. We feel there is just plain no time to fit it in.

  Yes, there is.

  We must take action to administer self-care. Here are action steps recommended for introverts or anyone who feels drained:

  1.If there is something on your calendar that is not essential to you or your family’s mental or physical health, it is dispensable. Stop saying yes to activities that do not serve you or your family. Are the activities empty calories like a cupcake with sprinkles or do they nourish you? If it makes you feel empty, remove it from your schedule and insert an endeavor that lights you up.

  2.When feeling upset or anxious run through the steps of N.A.A.P.T.T. Name the emotions you feel. Accept them. Attribute them to something. Recall a positive relational memory. Talk with someone and take action.

  3.Set aside quiet time to consider where your passion and talent intersect. Where do you lose track of time? Where does your inner critic quiet?

  4.Make a decision and plan to do the thing or go to the place where your answer to number three exists.

  5.Move your body. Take one step toward physical activity.

  6.Protect your sleep. Practice going to sleep at the same time and waking up at the same time for a week. Darken and quiet your bedroom. Establish a bedtime routine.

  Practice Three: Becoming Whole

  Principles of Self-Esteem, Self-Expression and Self-Discipline

  I live to get lost in books, websites, podcasts and research about personal development, relationships and optimal psychology.

  I recall, as a child, my classmates complaining about having to sit through a lecture in school. For me, nothing seemed better. To this day, I still love lectures, listening and sitting. I move into the deep thinker’s flow state when I read, do research and learn new things. My inner critic shuts up. Time distorts in such a way that four hours feel like one. Ideas and epiphanies sprout out of rich fertile mind loam. The pursuit of self-awareness and personal development comes naturally to me. I can’t really explain it and I can’t stop doing it.

  Why did I share that with you? Because I’m an expert at being. I can meditate, empathize, process, ponder, be still, absorb, pray, learn, observe, visualize, and wonder with the best of them! However, I am only average at taking action. I am only satisfactory at pulling it all together and making it useful.

  I’ve learned I’m not alone. Quite a few people have trouble turning their knowledge and thoughts into concrete applications. They simply get by in an un
conscious cloud of doing the bare minimum and shoulds. As I learned from relationship coach and creator of The Smart Couple Podcast Jayson Gaddis, shoulds are for those not willing to put in the effort to know themselves or those incapable of rejecting social norms. In other words, if we don’t expand our self-awareness and subsequently challenge ourselves to act on our authenticity, even if it means going against the social grain, we remain stuck in a thinking quicksand. We don’t move forward. We drown in our heads because we don’t take action.

  I’ve spent years stoking the embers of consciousness, intuition, creativity and being, but it wasn’t until I started to do concrete work that I felt truly fulfilled and worthy of respect.

  ARE YOU READY TO DO IT?

  Coaching clients come to me looking for help identifying and applying their personal gifts. They want to be useful, balanced, and whole (fully developed emotionally, spiritually, physically). They want to be fulfilled. They are a little less afraid of bending social norms than the average Joe or Jane, and have enough self-awareness to be curious about how to use it. In his article, What if Nobody Was Looking?, author and founder of Good Life Project Jonathon Fields says there are three legs to our awareness “self-stool.” The legs, according to him, are: Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, and Self-Expression.

  SO, WE’VE GOT SELF-AWARENESS

  Many of my clients are quite conscious and therefore skilled in self-awareness. They are learners and ponderers. They constantly read books, listen to podcasts, explore their minds and hearts, and share their findings with a few cherished companions. They are usually in a transformational period where they have just discovered they have wings or just figured out how to heal their wings from the pinions of a negative relationship. They only need a little encouragement (esteem) and courage to leap into the self-expression chasm.

  I understand their position because I’ve been there. As I said in “Practice One: Waking Up”, one drawback to keen self-awareness is critical self-judgment. It’s easy to focus on what we’re missing when we are overly familiar with all the dark corners of our mind and spirit.

  It’s hard to find the level of competency that is good enough to stop analyzing and start doing. I spent years figuring out how to be a good personal coach. I spent years dating and looking to meet expectations (mine and my partner’s). I didn’t get anywhere with either until I actually dug in and did the work. I had to start coaching. I had to commit to a long-term relationship. I stopped theorizing and living by other people’s standards and leapt.

  SELF-ESTEEM WHEN YOU’RE SENSITIVE AND INTROVERTED

  As I said, I was the quiet, obedient older sister who, when not with my closest friends, spent a lot of time alone in my room. My younger sister constantly voiced her mind, joined every team imaginable, and couldn’t sit still for long—and when she did, it was rarely alone. My sister received a lot of attention for being bold and extroverted.

  As an adult, I understand and appreciate our differences (even recognize many of our similarities), but as a young person I often felt under-heard, hurt, or inferior.

  As an introvert and someone with a sensitive nature, it is easy to feel sub-par in our culture. Throughout history it’s been the person who is friends with everyone who is revered. Most people admire the doers and the individuals with high energy. Not that introverts aren’t capable of leading or can’t rally energy for friendships and amazing work, but it takes more effort. We get overwhelmed if the stimulation and energy levels stay high for too long. We have to manage our energy instead of just spilling it all over multiple projects and relationships. Our self-esteem can suffer because of this perceived societal maladaptation.

  To make up for my perceived personality deficits, I aligned with strong confident people. I married a man who spoke with conviction, got things done and knew how to network. I tried to mirror his ways or let him run the show. Either way, I forsook authenticity for self-esteem by proxy. It didn’t work.

  It wasn’t until I gained understanding about introversion and met other people like me (who were happy, intuitive and fulfilled) that my self-esteem started to blossom.

  They encouraged me and engaged me in things I was enthusiastic and excited about (reading, writing, fitness, making music, talking about spirituality, psychology, personal development, etc.), so much so, that I took action steps to do them and apply them in my life. In doing them, I gained confidence, even if I did not do them well. I gave myself credit for making mistakes and surviving.

  Through coaching, I am able to pass on this beautiful practice of self-esteem boosting and self-expression encouragement. Oh my God is it fulfilling! And the best thing is my work requires me to do what I love (reading, research, participating in meaningful conversations) with skills that come naturally, albeit with the right amount of challenge. I am in my element.

  SELF-EXPRESSION MEANS DOING WORK OUTSIDE OF YOUR HEAD

  I have worked with coaching clients of the Myers–Briggs type preference INTJ. They are industrious folks. They are especially pleased when they accomplish something. They are driven people looking to fulfill a purpose. While working with them I’ve discovered I have a penchant for completion too. It feels so good to close out a positive coaching session. It makes my heart swell when I tick off all the tasks on my to-do list. I like to work steadily, have structure (sometimes) and reach the end of projects.

  “If you want anyone to take you seriously, what you really want is their respect. And you can’t just be given respect.… You have to earn it. You earn it by doing things that matter, and working on projects that matter and putting in the effort every single day. It’s the only way to earn it.” —Jon Westenberg, Stop Trying to Be Somebody

  I tell my clients, “Inspiration + Implementation = Transformation”. I got this formula’s ingredients from business coach, Jeffrey Shaw of Creative Warriors Unite. I strive to integrate this formula into my life. Implementation is by far the toughest component to complete. With my temperament, inspiration is everywhere. I could collect and savor inspiration forever without making anything out of it. Since many of my clients are introverts—and spend a lot of time in their heads or inner worlds—they struggle with interjecting into the external world too. I want the closure of achievement for my clients and myself. I want the respect and satisfaction that comes from expressing through doing. I want to help others transform. I want them to feel fulfilled. This is my purpose. Purpose drives action. Realization of purpose brings transformation.

  CARL JUNG AND THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE PSYCHE

  Carl Jung believed there was a natural and proper path of development for each individual. It involved paying attention to the inner voice. It involved a striving for unity among the attitudes (introversion and extroversion) and functions of the individual’s psyche. While many psychiatrists and psychotherapists of the day focused on interpersonal relationships, Jung focused on the inner psyche. He believed interpersonal relationships were important but could only fully and maturely develop after a person’s inner world was reconciled.

  Jung proposed the psyche operated by four functions: thinking, feeling, sensation, and intuition. Thinking and feeling are the two functions allocated to making decisions. The former uses logic and reason to problem solve and the latter uses personal values and the effect on people and emotions. Sensation and intuition are the two functions employed to take in information. Sensation uses the five senses and direct facts and input from the environment. Intuition pulls information from insight, gut feelings and recognition of patterns and general concepts. Although each person used each attitude and function, they were not all used with equal preference and skill. Often a preferred attitude, i.e. introverted or extroverted—the introvert’s bias toward the inner world, the extroverts toward the external—and a function dominated or exaggerated behavior and how someone handled an experience. For example, a woman could be an introverted feeler and get lost in her thoughts and emotions and not l
ook for help or logic from the people and information around her. A tension would develop within her and she would need to self-regulate by working on building up the functions and attitude opposite of her natural preferences (i.e. work on extroversion and thinking).

  INDIVIDUATION

  As we mature, our ability to use appropriate behavior in different situations improves. Jung called this process of unifying and appropriately adapting the components of the psyche individuation. Individuation is mature independence. It is a spiritual process of looking inward and synthesizing the conscious (our preferred and dominant functions/attitudes) and unconscious (those functions/attitudes we do not access easily). Complete balancing and competence in all functions and attitudes is impossible. Jung even said a person with equal adeptness in all functions would be insane. The striving is where the growth occurs.

  As mentioned in Practice One, Jung believed the individuation process primarily began in the second half of life after independence from parents, establishment of a family and contribution to society had occurred. Many of Jung’s patients had already established themselves with careers and families but were left with a feeling of emptiness. They wanted more meaning in their lives. This neuroticism served as a signal for potential development, unity and wholeness within the individual. Jung was even known to say, “Thank God he became neurotic!” when speaking of a patient on the verge of self-discovery and individuation.

  He found these awakening individuals to be one-sided in their preference development. Perhaps, for example, they were too focused on their introverted sensing which presented itself as an exaggerated use of details or memories. Or they exhibited an overuse of their extroverted thinking, which would look like an emphasis on effective problem solving with logic, largely ignoring feelings (theirs and other’s). They did not know how to incorporate the opposite attitudes and functions, like extroverted intuition or introverted feeling into their lives. To develop their psyche, they needed to pay attention to their inner world but also exist and contribute to the outer world. It was the therapist’s job to help the patient develop the potential capabilities in their non-dominant attitudes and functions.