The Quiet Rise of Introverts

by Brenda Knowles

  A study reported in The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People concluded that 70% of our happiness is based on our relationships. The closer ones we have the happier we are. Consider prisoners in solitary confinement. The average person can become depressed and even psychotic if isolated for just a few days. Holding hands with a loved one or even seeing their face can lower blood pressure and levels of stress hormones.

  Introverts can still rejoice. We are fully capable of close relationships while maintaining our introverted nature. This is the interdependence this book hopes to encourage. If we understand and apply the awareness, calming and growing practices described in the Independent portion of this book and add the abilities to argue productively and soothe a partner, then we have the tools to create a full, rich life.

  CHALLENGES TO CALMING EACH OTHER’S NERVOUS SYSTEMS

  We are distressed and triggering each other’s old wounds.

  Action steps for soothing a partner:

  1.Decide which partner is most secure at the moment. They set aside their issues and become the soother.

  2.Based on your partner’s preferences, choose whether to soothe with verbal or non-verbal assurances.

  3.The soother acts quickly and gives positive reassurance right away. Example: (using a verbal reassurance) “I want to work through this until we both feel satisfied. “

  4.Use touch, a hug, eye contact, or physical closeness if your partner is most reassured by non-verbal contact. Use heartfelt words and affirmations to comfort your partner if they prefer verbal soothing. Example: “I love you now and I will love you when we get through this obstacle.”

  Society wants us to be independent and take care of ourselves. The general belief is that depending on another person is unhealthy and weak.

  Arguments demonstrating interdependence are the better way to decrease personal distress:

  1.Note our brains have built in mirroring systems that allow us to mimic other’s actions and feelings.

  2.According to studies, 70% of our personal happiness comes from close relationships.

  3.The production of the hormone oxytocin during bonding moments between lovers, parents and children, pet owners and pets, etc., creates a sense of calm and promotes empathy.

  We don’t feel heard, understood or close to our partner.

  Action steps for increasing connection and resonance:

  1.Boost empathy through oxytocin production. Increase production of oxytocin by touching your partner through massages, long hugs, and handholding or by having orgasms (preferably together). Even petting animals can increase oxytocin production in humans. Eye gazing is another way to create oxytocin and connection.

  2.Use empathic listening to understand what your partner is feeling. Do not probe for information. Do not judge or advise. Simply rephrase what your partner says and verbalize the emotions you heard in your partner’s answers.

  3.Create a safe environment where emotions are valued and respected. Shared emotions and vulnerability deepen a relationship.

  4.When a partner bids for your attention respond quickly. Turn toward them or move toward them and demonstrate presence. Look for ways to appreciate and express gratitude for your relationship.

  5.Assume your partner has good intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt more often than criticizing them.

  Partner stresses us out to the point of ruining our health. Arousal levels are too high for too long.

  Action steps for mitigating allostatic overload:

  1.Reduce contact with your partner if he or she is not willing to learn soothing techniques and demonstrate responsiveness.

  2.Increase time with safe and nourishing relationships.

  Practice Seven: Valuing Community Principles of Unity and Collaboration

  As mentioned in the beginning of this book, I grew up in a small, idyllic town in the middle of Michigan. The name of my hometown is Alma which, interestingly, means soul in Spanish.

  Alma in the 1970s and 80s was a homogeneous rural little berg economically supported primarily by a petroleum refinery, tool and dye manufacturer and local farming. The population hovered around 10,000.

  THERE WERE DIFFERENCES BUT NOT A LOT OF COMPETITION

  The inhabitants of Alma were almost all white. I remember Mexican families being the only minority. There was some prejudice. I recall hearing the terms “spics” and “pickle pickers” tossed around occasionally when referring to Mexicans. I also remember my best friend’s dad being upset when she wanted to date a Mexican boy. She was a white Catholic girl from an upper-middle-class family. The boy ended up being our star football player and I believe he attended Harvard after high school…. Despite my friend’s father’s hesitation, white kids dated Mexican kids in high school quite often.

  Religious practices were predominantly Christian. There was a fairly even mix of Catholic and Protestant. I attended mass with my Catholic friends as much, if not more, than I attended Protestant services with my family. I only remember two Jewish families in Alma my whole childhood. My classmates and I learned what dreidels and matzah were from those two families. One of the Jewish families drove a Volvo, which at that time in Michigan, was a novelty. I remember one of my snarky male classmates calling the Volvo a “Jew Car”. That registers as divisive now, but I honestly do not remember any other intolerance shown toward the Jewish families. I am sure there were incidents of intolerance and misunderstanding, but to my knowledge they were kept to a minimum.

  Financially, there were known differences in status. The doctors, lawyers, funeral home owners, manufacturing plant executives, and large-scale farmers were the wealthy ones of Alma. Although, we all knew whose families had money, in reality there was not much financial difference between the rich families and the poor families. The majority of us were in the middle.

  My family did not discuss money at home. I knew my father was in a lot of debt, but it was OK because he “owned” shoe stores. We had something to claim as ours. Ownership of businesses allowed us the illusion of having money. My mom made sure my sister and I dressed well, another illusion perpetuating a middle-class status. I knew we did not have as much money as my friends’ families (mostly manufacturing plant owners and accountants) and this embarrassed me sometimes but, overall, I felt like I fit in well with the crowd.

  EDUCATION AND CAMARADERIE

  There was a small liberal arts college in Alma, which not only brought a fairly educated workforce to the area but also supported our local economy. There were three elementary schools, one middle school and one high school in Alma. My graduating class had around 230 students. I could name 90% of them at the time of graduation, plus many other students in lower grades. We had AP classes—three or four of them. Our high school offered Spanish and French language classes. Despite the district’s small size, I feel like we received a decent education. The teachers cared. Many of them were the parents of classmates. Many of them were friends of the community. They participated in events to promote our town, like parades and chamber of commerce events.

  We often had assemblies in school where the teachers and students participated in funny, self-deprecating skits. We could laugh at ourselves. There was a good amount of pride. I do not remember a lot of competition for grades or extra-curricular activities. There was some rivalry for boyfriends or girlfriends. The dating pool was not that big. Speaking of pools, we had a pool in our high school and a good-sized marching band. I was a flag girl, pom-pom girl, and clarinet player. We had swimming, baseball, basketball, football, golf, volleyball, softball, and tennis teams. My sister played softball, volleyball, and basketball.

  WE GOT TOGETHER FREQUENTLY

  We had a lot of unifying events in Alma. Every Memorial weekend we hosted a Scottish event called Highland Festival. There was a parade, which all the local merchants participated in as well as all of the
local marching bands. There were floats, beauty queens, tractors, fire trucks, clowns, Kiwanis, and Shriners. Kids clamored for the candy thrown from the popular floats. We all got teary-eyed when the bagpipes marched by playing their haunting tunes. During the day, Scottish games were played and bagpipe bands competed. Each night of the festival included a beer tent for gathering with your chums. Beer and bagpipes, a comforting combination. Makes me nostalgic thinking about it. I’m happy to say, all of these events still take place.

  On most Friday nights throughout the school year, there was a high school football or basketball game to attend. A large portion of the community attended those games. It was a social event. The games were where we met up with our friends and families at the end of the week. They were where we cheered on our home team.

  Within our families, we ate dinner together most nights. We hung out with our friends, often walking home together after school or getting together on weekends to hang out, play cards or watch movies in someone’s basement. There was a lot of bike riding (and later driving) to the arcade and 7-11. I remember constantly conversing with my friends. If we weren’t together we were on the phone chatting about school, boys, clothing, our families, etc.

  SLOW PACE ENCOURAGES THOUGHTFULNESS?

  I am not sure if there were a higher number of introverts in my hometown. I know there were extroverts, but it seemed like there was a lot of inner-world contemplating and reflective/creative thinking and expression. Perhaps the slower pace of the rural setting encouraged such reflection and respect for each other’s thoughts. There was time to be thoughtful in all senses of the word.

  I could be romanticizing my hometown, but I felt a tremendous amount of support and cohesion within our community. Everyone knew everyone. We worked and played together. The pace was slower and we took time to be with each other. When the massive snow and ice storms raged (and they did back then) neighbors would stop by on snowmobiles and ask if we needed anything from the grocery store. We helped each other. We needed each other to make our town run. There was a pride and sense of “we’re in this together.”

  My Alma classmates and I still cheer each other on through social media. I’m even connected to some of my former teachers, including my kindergarten teacher. There is still a feeling of solidarity.

  Does hearing about my hometown community and childhood years bring back memories for you? To clarify your original sense of community ask yourself these questions:

  What was the ethnic makeup of the place you spent the most time in while growing up?

  Was there a big or small difference between the wealthiest and poorest people in the community?

  What did everyone do for fun in your hometown?

  Was there more competition or collaboration in your primary childhood community?

  Did you feel supported and/or like you belonged in your community?

  ICELANDIC WARMTH

  In Born for Love, Dr. Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz describe the country of Iceland in surprisingly similar ways. In 2009, Iceland had a lot of social capital. Social capital according to Perry and Szalavitz is the economic value associated with people’s connections with and trust in one another and their capacity to form and utilize networks of those contacts. If members of a community know and respect each other—even those beyond their immediate family—they are more likely to do business with each other. For example, a farmer may be willing to buy a tractor from someone he does not know because his cousin recommended the tractor retailer. There is a high level of trust and a belief that most people are part of “us,” not a rival tribe. Commerce flows because of the high trust and high levels of empathy. In places with high social capital there is less crime and higher measured levels of life satisfaction.

  Iceland, because of its harsh weather conditions and isolated location, requires a good amount of cooperation among its inhabitants. Family members are close and get together often. There is very little economic inequality. Ninety-three percent of the population is Icelandic. It is a racially and religiously homogeneous culture.

  The lack of diversity could be detrimental in some ways but in studies it has been shown to increase empathy among members. It’s easier to empathize with someone who looks like you and who could be family. It also decreases the chances of “us versus them” mentality. There literally is no “them”. In Iceland, people outside an individual’s family and circle of friends are still trusted because they are essentially still on the same team. Same harsh weather to battle, same socioeconomic level, same ethnicity, and similar appearance. This feeling of being in the same boat, explains why people of Iceland do not mind spending money on things like paid family leave and universal health care. It helps them and their fellow brethren.

  Recall our mention of mirroring in Practice Six? Mirroring systems in our brain help us connect and resonate with others by allowing us to faintly mimic within our minds what someone else is doing and feeling. It is easier to copy a reflection that looks like us with a similar background.

  Guess what else increases with trust and empathy? Oxytocin! Our old friend that helps bond parents to children, lover to lover, and friend to friend by associating a feeling of safety and comfort with the other person. This same hormone also shows up when two people trust each other during business transactions. The more oxytocin we share with others, the less stress we feel and the lower our allostatic load.

  I want to emphasize the importance of positive social contact. It reduces stress, which improves our health, well-being, longevity and financial status.

  WHAT ABOUT THE INTROVERT WHO DOES NOT WANT SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS?

  Some of you might feel uneasy about a couple of the above statements. First of all, as an introvert and someone who desires alone time, you might worry that you will have to change your nature to live a fulfilling life. Surrounding yourself with many relationships sounds overwhelming. Trust me when I say, I absolutely understand your hesitation. I have had the same thoughts.

  The truth is positive relationships do not deplete us. They energize us. They bring about synergy, creating an outcome that is greater than the sum of its parts. The support of positive relationships allows us to do more than we could on our own. They help our bodies create calming oxytocin and motivating dopamine. We do not have to be friends with everyone, but studies show the more close-relationships we have the greater our chances for happiness.

  Our earlier references to attachment styles and nervous system relief show that it is easier to establish positive relationships when we know our own attachment history and how to modulate it. Knowledge of attachment styles and aspects of responsive and resonant behavior help us keep calm and understanding within our relationships. They also help keep our partners calm and content. Those who chronically negatively affect our nervous systems, without any hope of reparation, do not offer the kind of social contact that is sustainable.

  I am not recommending we throw our introverted traits to the wind and lose ourselves in every social engagement we encounter. The concept of interdependence still reigns. Maintaining our authentic introspective nature within positive relationships is the ultimate goal. We may need to ask for time to ourselves within our social groups. Respectful friends, partners and associates understand our needs and do not take our desire for solitude personally. As a respectful friend, partner, and associate we reassure our mates we will return in a timely manner with more energy to support the relationship.

  THAT’S NOT HOW WE DO IT IN THE U.S.

  Many of you also may be thinking, but the United States is the melting pot of the world. We are built on racial, ethnic, and religious diversity. True, yet Dr. Perry and Ms. Szalavitz say historically we have been a nation with high levels of trust of outsiders and we have shown excellent economic growth. Perry and Szalavitz say a sense of similarity and at least the appearance of equality of opportunity are key reasons we have succeeded economically. Belief in the
American Dream and the ability to make it big no matter who we are if we work hard, has allowed us to see all Americans as “us.”

  It has also been vital to keep the financial distance between the rich and the poor small. Those with similar socioeconomic status have a lot in common. They shop in the same stores, travel to the same places. live in similar homes, etc. It is easier to empathize with someone whose life is similar to ours.

  Dr. Perry and Ms. Szalavitz wrote Born for Love in 2009. The social climate has evolved since then. The 2016 election of a president who represents a wealthy lifestyle and conservative government spending on social welfare, enables (or facilitates) a culture that seems poised to maximize the chasm between rich and poor. This is bad news for connections and calm nervous systems. According to Perry and Szalavitz, a market economy where people are obsessed with gaining wealth and possessions tends to undermine trust and increase cheating. The meritocratic focus on achievement and performance fosters competition and puts a dent in trust, collaboration and empathy.

  A move toward character versus competition is needed now. Generating trust among a community’s members creates oxytocin within our bodies and empathy within our hearts. Trust is built by following through on promises and consistently choosing the high road. Relying on each other and working around common ethical values joins people in secure relationships despite cultural differences, just as belief in the “American Dream” and the perceived equality of opportunity for U.S. citizens helped us maintain a high level of trust among ourselves and with foreign traders in the past.

  TRADING COZY FOR COMPARISONS

  Despite the cozy and collaborative environment of Alma, I was determined to get out of the small town. I was eager to become worldly. I thought success meant financial rewards, cosmopolitan experiences and something bigger than what was available in a small rural town. I also had a desire to get away from the competitive and at times, contentious relationship I had with my sister. I wanted to be my own person, with no comparisons or sharing of resources with her. I had learned to be fairly independent. I wanted to continue that trajectory.