The Quiet Rise of Introverts

by Brenda Knowles

  NOT SO DIFFERENT

  Surprisingly, when we were together, my sister and I discovered we were actually quite alike. We are driven, creative, curious, and have a love of personal development. We see the possibilities and believe in relationships.

  During those visits, I spent time with my sister, her husband, my niece and nephew, and, of course, our mom. I felt a sense of being a part of a family. The reason for my visit was painful, but the healing and unity that came out of those times fortified my nervous system. It was profound to be part of such a team. I think my sister and brother-in-law felt the same way. My sister and I no longer competed; we collaborated and supported each other.

  Our mom died two years after her diagnosis. At her memorial service, a childhood friend of hers told us stories of how popular our mom was and how she thrived in her childhood hometown—a small town where her family owned a hardware business. She had many friends and boyfriends as a young person. Her older siblings teased and nurtured her in fun, lively ways. She belonged to a nice community. She was happy there.

  Spending time with my mom at the end of her life, made me realize how isolated and alone she had been for decades. Her siblings were much older and lived far away. She never remarried. Her parents had been gone since I was nine and my sister and I had moved on with our own lives and families. Her nervous system was on high alert and never calm. She did not have many nourishing relationships to ease her mind and spirit. She never wanted to leave Alma. It was the only community she had left.

  HOME AGAIN

  Less than a year after my mom died and a month after the breakup of a long-term romantic relationship, I was at loose ends. I felt untethered. I had very little sense of belonging to anything. My short list of close relationships was shorter. The kids were with their dad half the time, and my friends were busy with their own lives. I was hesitant to get back into the dating world so soon after the breakup. I needed time to process and do a postmortem analysis.

  I started a search for a spiritual community. That realm of my life had been vacant for decades. I had done lots of reading on different spiritual topics such as meditation and Buddhism. I practiced meditation semi-regularly. But what I longed for was an actual community.

  The purpose of this section is not to proselytize or convince anyone to find spirituality or religion. It is to show the value of finding a supportive community.

  One Sunday, I walked into a small church in my area. A kind gentleman greeted me and gave me a nametag—everyone wears nametags at this church. Introverts appreciate nametags, as it relieves the pressure of remembering names while being social with strangers—already a monumental undertaking for us. He directed me to the sanctuary. I found a seat on the far right, close to the piano. Several people introduced themselves and welcomed me. The minister happened to be out that particular Sunday but other congregants read poetry by Mary Oliver, played music on guitar, and gave “sermons” on living meaningfully. They opened the service by stating they are an intentionally inclusive congregation welcoming all people of good will.

  By the end of the service, my nervous system rested in an amazing calm. The small congregation, with its lack of pretention and surplus of warmth and humility, felt like home.

  Later, back at my house, I read the bulletin explaining the church’s mission and values. This congregation finds the essence of religion in character and conduct. They “gather in community to give worth to values, interdependence, inherent worth, compassion and love.” It is definitely, a collaborative versus competitive environment. Empathy and trust abound in an atmosphere of acceptance and willingness to learn about differences.

  It is hard to distinguish who are the wealthy congregants. Financial status is not a factor given much thought. Values and working together are bigger focuses.

  Differences in financial status or cultural background are not seen as obstacles to connection. A willingness to learn from each other and a belief in community and good character bond the congregation.

  As I continue to attend today, I’ve noticed a feeling of increased security within myself. The church and its community are always there. Several of its members have shown considerable kindness in welcoming me to the group. I have a sense of being guided by elders, as some of the older congregants have taken me under their wings. It feels good. It helps fill the hole the loss of my mom created and the lack of family in the area perpetuates.

  ENERGY SOURCE FOR THE INTROVERT

  I’ve noted this spiritual community, like my writing group and closest friend groups, generates energy rather than depleting it. As an introvert, this boost is a vital element to my overall joy. It allows me to give back to the church and its members. I love volunteering there, even for non-fun jobs like cleaning up the kitchen. I am limited by my availability, but not by my energy or desire to offer help to this community.

  All the good will and good energy of the congregation is supported by the structure of regular meeting times and rituals (candle lighting, singing certain songs, coffee and cake after services).

  In many ways, the church community reminds me of my hometown and the feelings of safety and comfort I associate with it.

  Interestingly, I learned of this fitting spiritual community through my sister. She and her family attend the same denomination of church where they live.

  CHALLENGES TO SECURE COMMUNITY BUILDING

  Our culture has made it easier to feel isolated. We are a transient population. Fewer people live near family. Busy schedules prevent community gathering. Technology encourages virtual connecting rather than face-to-face meetings. Ironically, we seek humanity through machinery. So many differences between people culturally, financially, and philosophically make it difficult to create community. We are taught independence is ideal. Dependency is weak.

  Action steps for creating community

  1.Generate empathy by finding common values and increasing trust. Focus on character versus competition or comparison. More empathy equals more bonding oxytocin. The globalization of our world makes diversity the norm. Instead of emphasizing differences in an us versus them scenario, appreciate differences and allow them to enrich our lives. Focus on commonalities like the human search for connection and security. Different cultures may have different traditions but we all have traditions.

  2.Minimize financial inequality or at least the perception of financial inequality. Teach values that emphasize humility and discourage flashiness. Keep talk of personal wealth to a minimum by focusing on topics showcasing hard work, compassion, and willingness to learn.

  3.Emphasize education and growth over success and material wealth. If we are all learning, we are all winning. An openness to learn new things from each other maximizes synergy. For example, encourage questions from all family members at the dinner table. No question is too silly.

  4.Allow different generations to mingle in projects together. Let children see how adults are humans who laugh at themselves. Let children see how adults value hard work and community. Emphasize how we contribute instead of how we win.

  5.Make helping others in the community a common practice. Just as my childhood neighbors offered to get groceries for us during a snowstorm, we can all extend a hand to help strengthen the ties of community members. Times of adversity, although difficult to endure, often provide the perfect opportunity to create unity.

  6.When looking for a community, search for one that meets regularly. Consistent meet-up times and dates create routine. Routine provides the structure a community thrives on. For example, friends who share a devotion to a certain sports team know they can count on seeing or talking to each other on game day.

  SECTION IV:

  BALANCE AND FLUIDITY

  In the previous sections we learned the different perspectives and dynamics needed to achieve dependence, independence and interdependence. Each type of interpersonal relating has its appropriat
e situations. Moving from a predominantly dependent to interdependent lifestyle demonstrates a progression in experience and maturity. No longer depending on others’ approval for our personal evolution is a sign of growth. Learning to know ourselves—both our shadow and sunny sides—and practicing self-discipline and self-regulation give us the confidence to self-express and enter high-quality relationships. Being able to maintain our personal integrity within a loving and healthy relationship is also a sign of growth.

  This next and concluding section has to do with moving fluidly in and out of all three of the previously discussed levels of dependence or independence. It is not an endeavor of equality. We spend disproportionate amounts of time in dependency, independence, and interdependence. The goal is to spend less time in dependency and more time in interdependence. Why? Because interdependence warmly embraces independence and dependence. Because interdependence with its elements of authenticity and relationship offers the solitude and interaction that fills our sensitive introverted human needs best. It allows us to do deep introspective work and share it with others. It allows us to self-regulate and feel the comfort of being cared for and loved.

  A common assumption is that we can self-regulate or be independent and resolve our anxiety, stress, or fears entirely on our own. Psychotherapist and co-regulation specialist Bonnie Badenoch says we can calm ourselves with self-regulation options such as meditation or solitude but they do not heal the anxiety or emotional wound. It will still exist as an undercurrent and something we repeatedly have to push down or fight. Co-regulation or dependence on a partner or companion to soothe us has the ability to heal wounds and reduce triggering effects Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Amy Banks say our brains are wired to co-regulate.

  Another point to consider is how effective we are at resolving issues when we are stressed. When our brains are hijacked by fear or worry, we tend to not think clearly. The most evolved and cognitively rational parts of our brains get side-stepped when processing stress or trauma. Studies show children do not learn well when an adult is yelling at them or when they are overcome with worry about an outcome. Adults are the same way. In fact, the Israeli army keeps soldiers awake and surrounded by warm social interaction after a traumatic experience because sleep tends to consolidate and ingrain the trauma. Altruistic social contact reduces the chances of developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Therefore, it is hard for us to calm ourselves when we are anxious or stressed. The comforting presence and/or actions of another are more effective.

  Seeking balance between our inner and outer worlds is a tail-chasing activity. Not that it is not possible to do both; the trouble word in the above sentence is balance. In any one day, balance between our inner thoughts and the external world is unlikely. Feeling comfortable with the level of introverting and extroverting we do each day is a gift. Our ability to do concentrated work and provide focused attention on significant relationships ebbs and flows from day to day. Some days push us to a stressful imbalance where we spend too much time adapting to a highly extroverted and stimulating environment. If we are lucky enough to have solitude during working hours or in the evening and have time to collaborate with others in comfortable proportions, we are resourced to do great things.

  Unfortunately, trade-offs are often the more likely scenario. We frequently miss out on one opportunity to do another. For example, television writer and producer, Shonda Rhimes (a proclaimed introvert), says in her 2014 commencement speech at Dartmouth, if she attends her daughter’s debut in the school musical she misses actress Sandra Oh’s last scene ever filmed on the set of her show Grey’s Anatomy.

  Ms. Rhimes’ example is one involving two outer world activities. As an introvert, many times we have to give up alone time to join social activities. One rather personally distressing example of this is when, in the past, I had to take a day off from research or writing because my children were home from school for a snow day or minor holiday. This situation was doubly distressing because not only did I not get to make progress on my work, I felt guilty for not being excited about the time with my children. I am happy to say I have learned how to moderate the irritability I felt when I had to set work aside, and I now look forward to such days with my children. I’ll explain how I learned to do this in the following chapter, Practice Eight: Honor Our Inner and Outer World.

  Rigid delineation of work and family time is not always possible, as in the above example, when children are home when they would normally be at school. This last section intends to help us honor both our inner and outer realms while living in a frenetic and distracting world. As introverts and/or people with sensitive nervous systems, we do things slightly differently than our more gregarious extroverted, highly resilient brethren, but there are ways to make transitions between our comfort zones and challenge zones easier. We can move more fluidly between the two. We can learn to be more resilient.

  In this section we’ll talk about transcending our inhibitions about living an active social lifestyle. We’ll talk about working with purpose and energy. We’ll talk about leaving anxiety and emptiness behind and feeling joy and contentment instead.

  Practice Eight: Honoring Our Inner and Outer World

  Principles of Balance and Contentment

  It is difficult when we experience a season of Giving Up. I’m not talking about Lent. I’m talking about one of those phases in which we feel defeated by the overwhelming requirements of life. It’s when we find ourselves constantly giving up what makes us hop out of bed in the morning to fulfill pressing and unavoidable obligations. We don’t have a choice. There’s no way around the onslaught of work and needs requiring our attention. We give up because it’s easier to do what’s expected. We don’t have the strength to handle day-to-day chaos and live vividly.

  HOW TO KNOW WHEN GIVING UP HAS STRUCK

  The following are a few symptoms of the dreaded season: crying in the shower, 4:00 a.m. anxiety, a sense of being trapped, lifeless eyes, and a buildup of clutter and broken things. We may think we are inoculated against its effects, but immunity is rare.

  Every few months we surrender dreams, freedom, and self to reality, responsibility, and everyone else’s needs. Feel fortunate if you only suffer occasionally from giving up because for some, this is a chronic condition.

  We will usually feel GU coming on before it strikes. Exposure to children being home from school for extensive periods of time, home ownership headaches, frustrating work experiences, and/or endless errands and compulsory confrontations precede the very worst cases.

  Succumbing to the funk, we watch passions go down the toilet. Buried under the covers of a rapid-fire existence, we beg for mercy and rest, but like all serious maladies it commands attention. Don’t even think about having energy to do anything beyond have-to’s. Forget reading. Forget exercising. Time to think isn’t likely. Writing is out of the question. Give up the pleasing feeling of contentment. It’s all about survival now.

  We’ll do anything to stop the onslaught of obligations and subsequent feelings of entrapment. We clear out all frivolous activities and resolve to complete the compulsory tasks. All the while praying, please don’t let this last long.

  THE BRIGHT SIDE

  We can lie on the couch, drink ginger ale, and watch bad television, letting the housecleaning go and ignoring our buddies’ calls asking us to hit the gym or go have a beer. This is great for a while, even nourishing, but make sure we don’t languish there forever. Too much lounging turns to avoidance and further overwhelm. To-do lists metastasize and make it difficult to stand on our own two feet again. We could grow even wearier from lack of solitude, lack of creativity and the denial of our true self.

  A positive aspect of surrendering to all that must be done, is the clarity it brings. What we ache for during those stretches of unconscious living is what we must pursue as soon as we find the strength.

  REMEDIES FOR OBLIGATION OVERLOAD

  Even i
n a weakened state, know we won’t forsake being for doing forever. We will recover and find balance to our days again. Here’s how:

  1.Curiosity: Curiosity will pull us out of a stupor. It will get us talking, listening, learning. Even buried in to-do’s, our antennae are up, listening for bits of fascinating material. We’ll hear a book mentioned on the radio that piques our interest. Another parent will mention they just got back from Belize and we will want to learn about Belize. A child will need help with a school project and the research will inspire us. Ideas will incubate and then beg to be carried out. Our eyes will sparkle again as we engage in keen observation and poignant questioning. Our color will return. We can’t stop our introverted nature from wanting to explore something in-depth. We can’t stop our extroverted nature from wanting to get out in the world again.

  2.Resonance: Just when we feel ourselves going down for the count, we throw back the curtains and let sunshine pour in in the form of hauntingly beautiful music, a shared joke or an active comment thread on a topic we adore. Knowing others feel a deep connection to something we do is a huge boost. One person admitting to being on the same page as us is life enhancing, invigorating.

  3.Solitude: Nothing soothes frazzled nerves faster than space or downtime. Many claim to thrive in hustle in bustle, but solitude relieves the sensitive person. It stops the bleeding. It slows the heart rate. A lack of solitude is often what causes us to give up in the first place. We feel we must cater to others. Eventually, it becomes apparent that we will not thrive if we do not get alone time.

  4.Receiving Care: Just as it felt so good when our mom made us Jell-O and put cool compresses on our forehead, the gentle touch and soothing words of another human work miracles to heal our weary body and spirit. If there is no caregiver to comfort us, the first three remedies will serve us well, but the responsiveness of another human immediately lightens our load and completes the healing regiment. Knowing someone cares and is there to support us is a most effective balm. They can’t always take over our work but they can kiss our forehead and treat the most virulent case of Giving Up by calming our nervous system.