Life Begins

by Jack Gunthridge

  Christine is young, naïve, and flighty. She has a habit of underestimating me. We are not going to be breaking up after high school. I don’t know what is going to be happening yet. That is the future. I haven’t quite decided everything yet. It will take me a lot of soul searching with my box of memories to know what I am going to do, but we are not going to be breaking up.

  And I hate to tell Christine this, but we are going to be having sex one of these days. I just haven’t decided when yet. I’m not going to tell her this. She would jump me right now. I just need to figure out some things first.

  I think Arthur said it best when he said that I always get what I want. Christine and I are going to be staying together for a very long time. We have gone through too much stuff during our years together for me to worry about something stupid like graduating from high school.

  I have already seen my future with her. I have seen our children. We aren’t breaking up. I just don’t know how everything is going to play out. Things will change for us, but we will get through it. That is what we do. Our relationship evolves to meet our surroundings. It is always just enough the same to make it comfortable without ever getting boring.

  Chapter Eight

  Back to the Future

  Since this assignment is supposed to be about where I have come from and where I am going, I guess it is only natural that I look now to the future.

  I don't know what I want out of the future. I would like to be a comedian. I enjoy doing that. But if I look back on everything that I have written here, I see that my life has been defined by Christine. That should count for something. There has also been a preoccupation with sex. So if the purpose of this assignment is to see where I have come from to see where I am going to, then I am going to be having sex with Christine. That is my future.

  Sex is the biggest problem that Christine and I face now. I know that she wants to have sex with me. It's not that I don't want to have sex with her. I still feel a little scared. I am still reminded of the night that we almost had sex when my father died. If I slept with her, would somebody else die?

  Maybe there is also a part of me that doesn't trust my heart. Christine and I have actually been together now for almost a year, and it has been marvelous. There is still a part of me that thinks it may not last. If I slept with her, it would only hurt me more in the future.

  Our relationship is the best that it has ever been. We were in bed one night, and she was running her fingers over my chest as her head was resting on my shoulder. I just laid there enjoying the moment. I was totally at peace. She then looked at me and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was listening to our melody. She was running her fingers over me in rhythm to the beating of my heart. We were even breathing in unison. We were totally one with each other. I told her that that was what sex would be like with us. What we were experiencing now was what the afterglow would be like, but more so.

  I don't want to screw this up. I love her too much. If I ever experienced true oneness with her, how could I go back to being alone and not feeling hollow and incomplete? How do you explain this to a woman that you love? I don't want her to think that I am still holding a grudge for what she has done to me in the past. As far as I am concerned, that is all in the past. It has been forgiven.

  But there is still this scared little boy that I can't quite get rid of.

  ~~~

  I think Jack is still a scared little boy. He has been that way ever since his father's death. Like I said before, I think he became his father. That part that was Jack retreated deep inside of him. I only see it when he is alone with me.

  I don't know what to do to get that boy back and to make him grow up. Jack does not like to talk about his feelings. It's like he doesn't want to share his feelings because it is a way to hurt him. As long as he doesn't let you know what he is feeling, then you can't hurt him. It goes back to him being a god. Feelings are a weakness he can't afford if he is going to be great.

  He has also probably buried all memories of his father's death. Our actual first date was on the fifth anniversary of his father's death. I have always considered that day our anniversary because it was the first time that we almost had sex. There was no denying our feelings for each other that night.

  Jack didn't even think about it. I had reminded him before that date that it was our fifth anniversary. That night, he took me to the tree house for a candle lit dinner from a picnic basket. He says he picked the tree house because it was where we used to play house. When I brought up the time that we almost had sex there the night that his father died, he withdrew from me. He became so quiet.

  I think he had seriously forgotten. It was the only way that he could deal with his father's death. He was so busy at that time of his life taking care of other people that he didn't have time to take care of himself. Once he was through with everybody else, he had moved on to other things. He just never went back and dealt with his father's death.

  I don't think he has dealt with his sexual desires either. I know that I have been the one pressuring us to have sex, but I am not the most sexual of the couple. Jack has me beat.

  Jack has always been a sexual person. That is what scared me in kindergarten about him. He was a true lover back then. The other kids started talking.

  He has always been able to look at you like you were the only person in the world. And he can just touch you in a way that makes you just want to give in to him. He awakens you and puts you at ease all at the same time. He is just so natural as a lover that I can tell when he is holding back. He has been holding back pretty much since puberty.

  I don't doubt that he is afraid to re-awaken his sexuality. I think it took a lot for him to repress it. And if it is awoken, it would be a great monster.

  He has told me this a few times. He said it would be like releasing a genie that could not be put back in the bottle.

  Am I ready for such a force? I don't know. I would like to have the old Jack again. I miss that part of him.

  ~~~

  There are other issues for us as well. I have always felt like Christine has wanted to sleep with me to get back at her father. That man hates me. What better way to rebel than to sleep with the man that your father hates.

  And I’m serious that he hates me. I have never been over at her house when he has not said something derogatory towards me. When were in our early teens, he would accuse me of being gay. I think it was because I never dated. I couldn’t really date, though. I was waiting for Christine to be single and for us to work everything out.

  When we did finally start to date, he gave me a lot of grief. Well, the grief didn’t really start until I turned eighteen. Christine was still seventeen at the time. I was told that if I slept with her, he would have me arrested for sex with a minor.

  And it’s not that he doesn’t like the boys that Christine dates. She once dated a guy that hit her. Her father went along with her excuses of falling down the stairs. I seemed to be the only one that got upset. He was real buddy- buddy with that guy.

  And I’m pretty sure that he hated me as a child, too. I just remember not feeling wanted around him. I don’t know what I ever did to him.

  ~~~

  My father is an asshole. I don't deny that I hate him. I don't want to sleep with Jack to get back at him. Sleeping with Jack would be taking me away from my father. Another man would now have me and be able to call me his own.

  And I think Jack is wrong when it comes to how my father feels about him. I think my dad actually likes him. He sees in him the son that he should have had. It makes it hard for him to look at Jack and not hate me for what I am. I think he is mean to him to push him away.

  I’m sure that our father’s talked about stuff. There are secrets that we don’t know. Our fathers were the best of friends. Jack’s dad was my father’s closest confidant. He was the only person my dad could trust. That is saying a lot. My dad doesn’t trust anybody.

  Jack’s father was an extremely brilliant man. He proba
bly made my father promise that Jack and I would only play outside. We were never allowed to play in my house. It would be a protection thing. His father always wanted to protect him.

  I don’t know if that was a smart thing to do or not. Jack has a lot of questions he wants answered. He can’t go anywhere now to get them answered.

  My dating patterns have been a rebellion. I want somebody to love me and take care of me in a way that I have never been able to before. That is kind of why I dated the guy who hit me. I mean, I wanted somebody to love me. I thought the guy was okay at first. I thought he loved me. Then he started to hit me. I saw how it made Jack mad. I kind of liked that. It was back when me and Jack were not together.

  I was fourteen at the time. He was my first real boyfriend. It was a hard time for me. I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s in the past. Part of me felt like I deserved to be abused. I mean, I had seen my mom get smacked around by some of the guys that she went out with. And I saw what it did to Jack. I enjoyed that. Part of me also liked it that my father liked this boy. In some sick way, I wanted my father to love me. I have gotten over that at this point. I just think that he is an asshole now. I think he is more of an asshole every day.

  The closest I have ever had to a real father was Jack's father. I think Jack has always felt like he was competing with his father for my attentions.

  I never loved his father. When his father died, I cried because I lost the closest thing I ever had to a parent of any sort. Jack's father looked after me because of how Jack felt for me. I don't know that he would have taken care of me otherwise. I think he truly saw me as his future daughter-in-law. To help me was to help his son. And I don't think Jack ever knew how much his father loved him.

  I still don’t think Jack has any idea of his father’s love. Of all of the lessons that his father taught him, the one that Jack could never understand was that he was loved. I don’t know if his father ever told him. Jack’s mom and I have talked about it. His father was one of the most affectionate men that you could find. But the man never actually said what he was feeling. It was like he saw emotion as a weakness. He could be motivated by emotions, but he would never let you know that was what he was feeling. He always hid it behind some sort of moral wisdom. He was reserved the entire time.

  I guess Jack and I have both had to deal with the sins of our fathers. Well, Jack’s isn’t really a sin. It is just a trait that he inherited from his father. And I don’t know if it is really inherited. I didn’t notice it until after his father died.

  If his father had any sins, I think it was that he never said what he thought, felt, or knew. I think he knew just how screwed up my family was. If I was ever going to be any good for Jack, I would need intervention. Jack doesn't even know how truly screwed up my family is. His father wanted me to keep it that way. It was what he could do to protect him from the harshness of life. He seemed to want Jack to remain untouched for as long as he could.

  Jack doesn't know that his father kept stuff away from him. It was part of the secrets that his father wanted me to keep from him. My secrets aren't bad. They are just what happened at my house between my parents. I received his father's advice and support in exchange for keeping this from Jack.

  I spent the majority of my childhood taking care of my mother. She was so strung out on drugs or alcohol for the majority of my life that it seems odd now for her to be reasonably sober.

  She still has been going out with lots of men. There has been a constant flow ever since the divorce. I don't especially like it, but I know that she is lonely and looking for love. We can't always find what we need in life. My father left her doubting her own self-worth.

  I could have turned out like my mother. I just hated my father so much that I decided a long time ago that he would never have any influence over me. Jack's father made me believe that I could rise above those circumstances. Jack gave me a reason to be more.

  He is more than a lover to me. He is my best friend. I'm sorry that I played games in the past. Since we have actually been a couple, I can't believe how good our relationship is. I just know that more is in store for us. We can still go to the next level. I want to love him completely.

  With our history, I think we deserve to be each other's first. I don't care if this lasts forever. I just want him now. Nobody else is ever going to love me more than he does.

  I'm struggling now with his morals. While I respect his morals, they are causing me problems right now. I mean, I like it that he can’t be swayed easily. I respect that. I know that he will always make the right choice. I couldn't find another man like that. It's just a little frustrating right now.

  Is it too much to ask for a little gratification? It's not like he doesn't want it. And it's not like he could really be charged with sex with a minor. I mean, he's eighteen. I'm seventeen, but I'll be turning eighteen soon.

  I keep telling him that is what I want for my birthday. Well, he asks, and I tell him… [This has been edited by me. Seriously, this woman has a filthy mouth. I want our first time to be beautiful. She is making it so coarse. I figured that you could fill in the blank. Ironically that is the gist of what she said that I had to edit in the first place.]

  Oh, whatever. You're still upset that I've offered to take you from a constitution to a blood covenant. I figured the little Jewish boy would prefer the blood covenant over the law.

  ~~~

  She is terrible. And she wonders why we haven't had sex. She is not ready for the commitment. She takes the religious and makes it profane. She misses the beauty of our relationship. I have never been able to get her to understand what I am offering her. There is nothing vulgar or vile about what we would do. It is not doing the nasty. It is becoming one in spirit.

  ~~~

  Whatever. I am offering him the greatest commitment that I can make. It's not like I'm offering it to anybody else. I would just like a bite.

  ~~~

  She would like more than just a bite from what I have heard. She would like a bite, a nibble, some sucking, and…

  We could go on like this forever. It's the nature of our relationship. But the fact is that I seriously don't know what it would be like to have sex with Christine. I know that it would be a major commitment. I still need to find a way to do it under the Laws of God. It will be me finding out how to exert my own free will to do what I feel like doing without breaking God's Laws. I have not figured that out yet.

  I think a solution is possible. I am the son of a lawyer. If there is one thing that my father taught me, it is that the law can always be used to get around things. That is the inherent evil of law. Although it provides order, a lawyer can manipulate words to get a desired effect for their client.

  My problem is that I can't resolve how to get around the Law. If I slept with Christine, I would be required to marry her under the Law. In God's eyes, we would be married. I could do this, but I would have to secure a marriage from her while she is still a minor. That would require the consent of her parents. I know that would not happen. This also means that I can't marry her in order to have sex with her.

  And with my whole future in front of me, do I really want to get married? We love each other now, but we could have different directions in life. We would have to agree to walk along the same path and to go to the same college. Marriage is not practical while we are still in high school. This all puts sex out of the question. I can't make a commitment for the rest of my life with so much of the future up in the air.

  So it is not a question of love or desire. I am looking at the commitment and how to keep it. If I were to marry somebody else, would it be fair to them if I slept with Christine? Although I love her, my future wife deserves my entire heart. She can never have that if I sleep with Christine. The same holds true for Christine. If I slept with somebody else, would it be fair to her?

  It goes back again to the simple rules of God. Everything is either about man's relationship to God or man's relationship with man. My future is unce
rtain. I can't commit to sex right now.

  I know that she would like for me to take her away from her family and to create a new life for us. I just don't know how to do it. I'm still far too young for all of this.

  I feel like I have two paths set before me. I could be famous, or I could have Christine. For most of my life, I was ready to choose the famous path. That is why I would have married Melinda. She fit into that path. With Christine, though, I don’t want anything more out of life than to be a husband or father. Maybe that is what life is really about. Maybe we aren’t supposed to aspire to be anything more than great lovers and parents.

  I would look to my father for advice, but… His life doesn’t provide any answers. From what I have been told, he could have been a great lawyer. He was the kind that could have been on all of the news programs giving advice or defending all of the high profile cases.

  For some reason, he decided to stay small and help the poor and wrongly accused. I have heard that he didn’t want the big cases because of how it would affect me and Mom. He said that his place was here. The high profile cases were usually rich people that could afford another lawyer. Their money would get them off anyway.

  I don’t think I believe him, though. I saw how he talked during the high profile cases that were on T.V. He would turn to me and say, “Now, Jack, this is how you should do it…” It was the only time that I saw my father get really animated about anything. He seemed to care. He seemed to put down his reserved exterior.

  I liked spending time with him like that. It was like it was my real father. He got as excited as other boys’ fathers got during a game of football or baseball. He just had something that made him so happy that he just couldn’t hide it. That was the only time that I ever saw my father like that.