by Flynn Eire
The larger part of me didn’t. This distance that had grown between us, had always been there between us besides the one night we’d really been together was suffocating. I loved Sam, I knew that… But did I even know what love was if this was how I felt about someone when there was so much wrong between us? Maybe I thought I loved him because he was so unavailable and then I’d never truly have him and not disappoint my parents I was gay.
The idea had merit in a backwards, convoluted, fucked up kinda way.
“I didn’t mean go to bed to have sex.” I jumped and spilled some of the stain as Sam’s words echoed through the room. I cursed as I grabbed another rag and hurried to clean up. “Sorry.”
“No, that was me. I was thinking and distracted.” I tossed the rag in the garbage and glanced at him. “What did you say now?” I’d heard it, but I wanted him to say more than that. Explain what he meant.
Sam ran his fingers through his hair as he studied the box. “I meant let’s go to bed and sleep. I’m exhausted, you look like you’ve gone about twelve rounds with either reports, or because I keep fucking up all over the place, I’m sure this crap with Zibon hasn’t helped and we need sleep. I just want to hold you. I missed you, Bowie. I missed sleeping next to you even if I only really got to do it for one night. I came here to find you and spend time with you. You don’t seem up for that.
“That’s fine, I deserve that. I was trying to talk still and you don’t really seem in the mood for that either so I didn’t want to push. I thought maybe if we just got some sleep then we could talk in the morning. I didn’t mean sex. I just want you to know that.”
I cleared my throat and dipped my brush. “Thanks for clarifying. I’m glad you intended that.”
“I know,” he muttered. I glanced at him with a raised brow and there was so much sadness in his violet eyes I felt my heart lurch. “I can feel your pain, remember?”
I looked away as the air rushed out of me as if someone punched me in the gut. Right. He had his gift and I’d known what it was for a while. I’d forgotten though or I had right then. “That’s not something you can turn off, is it?”
“No, it’s like Matteo reading auras, it just is,” he hedged as he scooted closer. “Why would you want me to shut it off though? Shouldn’t I know when you’re in pain?” I shrugged, unable to say what my new feelings were. He sucked in a harsh breath. “Why are you in more pain now?” His hand moved to my leg and I shivered. “Bowie, please talk to me.”
I had other questions though. “Do you feel my pain like a physical pain as well or is it more like a radar gun where you can just gauge what’s going on?”
“Somewhere in between. I feel it like a pulse and I’m kinda drawn to it, this need inside to fix it.” My heart sank. That was the wrong thing to say. I could have been anyone then and he’d want to help. It wasn’t about me. “Why does that answer hurt you?”
“Nothing,” I lied, not caring he would know. I stuck my brushes in the water, figuring that was good enough for overnight when I’d be finishing tomorrow. Then I quickly wiped up the rest of the wood to make sure there was no leftover stain before hammering the lid on the can.
“Bowie, please,” Sam begged as he followed me over to the sink. He hugged me from behind as I washed up. “What did I just say that was so wrong that it feels like your heart is breaking? I want to fix your pain. Is that so wrong?”
I let out a shaky breath as I shut off the water, leaning my hands on the sink. “You’re drawn to pain, Sam. You just said it yourself. You want to fix the pain you feel. It doesn’t matter that it’s my pain and you caused it. If you couldn’t feel it, you wouldn’t be here trying to talk to me and fix this.”
He growled as he turned me around. “Don’t put words into my mouth. I would be here still. I just might not know exactly how much pain you were in or I could believe you when you brushed me off or told me you were fine. But I would still be here trying to fix our relationship and the damage I helped do to it. I wasn’t the only one though, Bowie. I tried calling when I could. I left voicemail messages but they weren’t returned. Instead I got texts which aren’t anywhere near as personal.”
“That’s a matter of perspective,” I muttered, pulling away. “I wanted to Skype so we were face to face. Whatever. I could shoot off texts here and there when on duty, not take a call. I had a shit schedule as the youngest.” I shook my head and moved towards the door. “Fine. It’s all my fault. Whatever, Sam. You’re right, I do feel like I’ve gone twelve rounds. I’ll see you tomorrow or not, who knows? I sure as hell don’t because I was here today and still you couldn’t be bothered with me.”
“That’s not what—I didn’t mean,” he blubbered as he hurried after me. “Bowie, just wait.”
“For what?” I whispered as he grabbed my arm. “We had one night, Sam, and it was the perfect fantasy. Maybe that’s all we are is the fantasy and good fuel for dreams. Obviously we don’t work in the light of day or in reality.” I yanked away and hurried off, too overwhelmed by what I’d just admitted and how final it sounded even to me.
The kicker was I hadn’t even gotten a chance to tell him I’d gone to his room that night to be in his bed like he’d told me to be but he hadn’t been there. I’d stopped by his lab for lunch to try and see if he could take a break but Verge told me Sam said he wasn’t to be interrupted for any reason. So he could put this on me all he wanted but I’d tried.
I was just tired of getting shut down.
8
I was a mess that next morning. What Bowie had said had sounded so final that I had found myself frozen to the floor for a moment, and then by the time I could get myself to chase after him, I wasn’t sure what I’d even say if I got him to open the door. So I went back to my own room and mostly stared at the ceiling in the guise of getting sleep. Then I got up extra early to deal with the morning cultures so I could be in the cafeteria to catch him for breakfast.
Instead, I pretty much got my just desserts.
I had just gotten my coffee as Bowie walked in with Verge. I set it down and headed over to him, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Mark with a man I didn’t know moving towards them as well. They got to them first and someone could have pushed me over with a feather when I saw my Bowie—who had been sullen and hurting bad enough I could feel it from the coffee station—light up when he saw the man.
“Jeremy, what are you doing here?” Bowie exclaimed, hugging the man tightly.
“Denver’s boring without you, man,” Jeremy answered, chuckling as he clapped Bowie on the back, leaning in more than a normal friend hug.
I felt something inside me shatter. Of course this guy that Bowie had spent all this time with in Denver had to show up today of all days and I’d been right to be jealous. Anyone could tell from the hug Jeremy was into Bowie.
Fine, I might totally be biased, but that didn’t make me wrong or I didn’t walk over there as fast as possible without running.
I cleared my throat, waiting for them to pull apart. Bowie did a double take when he saw me but I was too busy staring down Jeremy. “Hi, I’m Sam Gatewood, Bowie’s—”
“Ex, yeah, I know,” Jeremy chuckled, holding out his hand.
“No, not ex, very much current and future, always lover,” I said lightheartedly, though on the inside I was picturing all the ways I could gut him. The happy twinkle in his eyes when he’d said that was fun to watch die when I denied it.
“Wait—what?” he and Bowie asked at the same time, and I took full advantage of the confusion, leaning in and cupping the back of Bowie’s neck to pull him into a quick kiss.
“Morning, hon. I didn’t know your friend was coming.”
“I didn’t either,” he muttered, staring at me with scrunched brows. “What are you doing here?”
“I took care of the cultures early so I could have breakfast with you. I couldn’t yesterday and I knew you were too busy after your trip to stop by and see me so I worked some things around today.”
&nb
sp; “I did stop by to see you,” he snapped, his eyes full of hurt even as I felt it through my gift. “Twice. Once at your lab for lunch and then I went to your room last night.”
“Oh? Verge didn’t tell me you came by for lunch,” I drawled, shooting the post-trans a scathing look.
“The last time I interrupted you, you said you’d feed my balls to some infected monkey study or something. I wasn’t about to do it again. It was in the stack of notes I gave you,” Verge defended.
“Verge, Bowie is not an interruption,” I growled, ready to throttle the post-trans. “Warriors whining about not being able to stockpile their blood supplies in their mini-fridges are. I don’t want to hear that they’re hazing you when I’m in the clean room. If someone comes to see me like my boyfriend who’s been on assignment forever and I’ve been fucking dying to spend time with, him you let in, you twit. So help me god, I’m going to—”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Bowie muttered, moving his hand to my arm. “Don’t get mad at Verge.”
“Well I am,” I huffed, shaking my head. “I couldn’t leave the lab, but you could have eaten there with me. I would have loved that. I went to your room last night too. I searched all over for you. I figured you’d come by after reports but then I thought you didn’t.” I stared up at him and hope he saw it in my eyes. “I couldn’t leave the lab.”
“Okay.”
“So you guys are together again?” Jeremy hedged as Bowie pulled away.
Unfortunately we had two different answers.
He glanced at me and went, “ummmm.”
I gave a confident “yes” that I wasn’t sure I was feeling but I wasn’t letting this guy move in to push me out.
“Well that’s enlightening,” Jeremy chuckled, shooting Bowie a wink. “We’ll talk more after we stick the doc back in the lab.”
I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who noticed that somehow when he said doc, he made it sound more like dick.
Everyone agreed it was time to eat and made their way to the cafeteria line, instead I grabbed Bowie’s hand and dragged him out into the hall. I think he was too shocked by the bold move to think of stopping me. Whatever, I again used it to my advantage.
I pushed him up against the wall, fisted his hair, and laid my best kiss on him, my heart fluttering when he moaned and melted against me. I slowly pulled away, making sure to suck on his lower lip as I did because I knew he liked that as much as I did. “That’s what I should have done the second you came home.”
“But you’re doing it now because Jeremy’s here—why?”
“He wants you,” I answered, not even pretending to play stupid. “But more importantly, because I wanted to. I thought all night about what you said, hon, and we are more than the fantasy. We’re the real thing. I’m sorry I’ve fucked up, but give me the chance to make it up to you. Let me show you that you are worth making things right with, fighting for, and how much I missed you, okay?”
He searched my eyes a moment and then gave the barest of nods. That was enough for me and maybe more than I deserved. Then he spoke so quietly I barely heard him. “Don’t pull my hair again though. That’s not fair. I already feel like your plaything, I don’t need you to prove how well you know how to play me to get me to do what you want. Reminding me how easily I cave to you, especially when I’m upset, isn’t exactly a point in favor of us being healthy for each other.”
My jaw fell open as he pushed my arm aside and went back into the cafeteria. Damn. I’d really done some damage… Or there was already damage there I didn’t know about that I’d added to that opened the floodgates. Either way, I had to fix this and fast, not just because I could lose Bowie for good, but I could feel the amount of pain he was in, and it wasn’t healthy.
I never wanted that for him even if it meant I wasn’t the right person for him.
I rejoined everyone, not all that hungry but knowing I had hours and hours of work ahead of me that I’d need the fuel for. I was shocked when I saw it was Zibon who helped make sure the seat next to Bowie was saved for me as he blocked Jeremy trying to take it.
Guess he was on my side after I helped clean up his mess. I didn’t do it for him, but after the shit he’d gone through, he needed a hand to come out of the dark place he was in too.
As Mark and Bowie talked with Jeremy about his trip, I studied the man. He was my opposite in almost every way. Sure, he was only a few inches shorter than me—big for a vampire who wasn’t a warrior—nicely built, but other than that, where I had violet eyes, he had amber, black hair to my light brown. His was shaggier and mine was short.
But he wasn’t a warrior so…
“Why are you here?” I blurted without thinking. Everyone went quiet and Bowie shot me a disapproving look. I chuckled and shook my head. “Sorry, I barely got any sleep. Let me try that again with some actual manners. I’ve been here a long, long time, and I’ve never seen a non-warrior allowed to come visit the camp. It just hit me I should probably know what’s going on as someone in the top ten, and with my research, I’ve been out of the loop. I’m glad Bowie and Mark are getting to see their friend and all, but, yeah, figured something was up.”
Jeremy shot me a sly grin. “I’m sure it’s only professional curiosity.” Oh, he was pushing it.
“I didn’t even think of that,” Bowie hedged, glancing between us. “How did you get permission to come here?”
“After the attacks on our coven and others, there was talk about getting the vampires who worked security for the covens to train at the camps as well like they succeeded with in France,” Jeremy explained. “When our coven leader asked if anyone wanted the training, I volunteered after I learned we’d be sent here. I figured why not learn from the best?” The adoring look he shot Bowie had my hands fisting on my thighs under the table.
“So you’re not the only one?” Mark asked.
“No, there are ten to start,” Alexander informed us from behind me. I turned in my seat and he met my gaze. “I was coming over to let you know since you missed another meeting.”
I sighed, scrubbing my hand over the back of my neck. “You guys gotta stop deciding when these meetings are at meals and assuming everyone will just hear about it. I’ve been stuck in the lab.”
“We did. Try checking your email,” he drawled.
“Doesn’t anyone just pick up the phone anymore?”
“Dude, you are so outdated,” Helios called over from the table next to us. “You’re dating a young thing who aced Rune’s post-trans tech training. Could you seriously have him teach you some things in between watching your cultures and stuff today?”
I had a nasty retort on my tongue but then I caught on to what he was doing—giving me an excuse to have Bowie assigned to the clinic with me that day.
“Well that settles things,” Alexander chuckled, writing something down on his clipboard. “I was going to tell you we’re pulling the post-trans from their assignments to help with the experimental training of the coven security. I’ll assign Bowie to you the rest of the week. I have to look over his reports so he can finish them but that won’t be much time off your service. I assume you still need the help?”
“Yeah, I do. We’ve got two pre-trans turning this week and shipments coming in along with—”
“Good.” He nodded before walking away.
I blinked after him, not shocked by his abrupt, borderline rude behavior… That was simply Alexander handling things and not wanting all the details getting in the way. It was that Jeremy showing up actually helped me in that I didn’t have to do a damn thing to get Bowie assigned to me so we could spend more time together. I glanced at him, wincing when he was frowning.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t set this up or—”
“I know,” he muttered, bobbing his head. “I have a feeling Helios knew exactly what he was doing though.”
“Me too.” I took a deep breath and decided to bite the bullet. “I talked with him yesterday about handling the video situation and w
as honest about being in hot water with you. I bet he’s trying to do me a favor since he and the Wyrok want something from me.” I kept my voice as low as he had, not wanting everyone to hear us.
“Yeah, and I’m still waiting for an answer on that so don’t spend all day in the lab naked,” Helios called over again.
I flicked him off and focused on Bowie. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, but I want to know more about what you’re talking about when we’re alone.”
I quickly nodded as I saw the slightest bit of hope in his eyes. I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “I was protecting you. I will always protect you, hon, even if it’s from me being an idiot. I’ll explain more, but that’s really all it boils down to.”
“You’re the reason no one’s challenged me yet, aren’t you?” he breathed, his hand moving to my thigh. I nodded and he pressed his lips to my ear as his hand moved up higher on my leg. “Thank you, Lasam. You have no idea how upset and worried I’ve been.”
“I do. Believe me, I do. I was too.” When he leaned away, I cupped his cheek and gave him a soft kiss. I felt the love in it and prayed he did too.
It had been about us but that didn’t mean I wasn’t biting back a smile when I saw Jeremy frowning. Hey, my man was hot and I could understand people wanting him. The guy didn’t have to be a cocky dick about trying to steal Bowie from me because we were having problems. I wouldn’t have been evil if he hadn’t started it.
Okay, I might have been but it wouldn’t have been a goal at least.
I was glad when breakfast ended and Jeremy had to go with the other non-warriors to get settled in while I got to take Bowie off with me. We were quiet on the way to the clinic, and personally, I was just trying to figure out how to be with him. If it was any other warrior, I knew what to say or do, but it was Bowie and he wasn’t anyone to me.
When we reached the clinic—some people still calling it the infirmary or medical or med bay or whatever, but to me it was more a clinic since we didn’t get all that sick and it was more for quick fixes or to handle blood distribution and transitions—and I let out an exasperated breath.