What If It's Right?

by J B Heller

  Finn’s eyes shone with unshed tears, “I just feel like I’ve held you back.”

  I shook my head and smiled, “Dude, you are so wrong.” I sniffled.

  Finn’s big arms wrapped around me and pulled me close, “I love you Mum, you gave me a good life. A happy life, when I thought I’d never be happy again, you gave me that.” He sighed heavily, “This is just another stage for us. I’m not moving on, I’m just moving out. You’re still my mum, and I’m still going to need you.”

  I lost the battle with my tears and let them fall. I mushed my face into his chest and sobbed. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me Finn, being your mum has been the greatest gift to me.”

  We stood there, holding on to everything that we had been through together, getting ready to let it go, and start a new chapter when Weston burst through the front door, interrupting our emotional moment.

  “Uh, shit, sorry. I’ll wait out front.” He said to Finn.

  Weston hadn’t been around much since that day in the kitchen. I rarely saw him anymore, and if I did, I found a way to excuse myself without making a big deal of it. I couldn’t stand being around him, my body reacted in a way that it shouldn’t. And that couldn’t happen.

  I squeezed Finn extra tight, “You better get going, I’ll make sure I’ve got something really good ready for dinner tonight.”

  Finn bit his lip, “About that, I know I said we’d be eating here like every night, but not tonight. We kinda wanted to christen our first place together tonight.”

  My eyes lit with realization, “Oh! Well, okay, tomorrow night then?”

  A contented smile filled Finn’s face, “Tomorrow night, bye Mum.” He kissed my forehead, let me go, then walked out the front door.

  I went to my bedroom, and cried.

  It was dark outside when I opened my swollen eyes. I must have fallen asleep crying.

  I huffed and tried to roll over, but a solid weight lay across my stomach pinning me in place.

  Before I could freak out a deep sleepy male voice murmured, “Stop moving. Sleeping.”

  A shrill scream left my lungs, and the weight disappeared as I launched myself from my bed, touching my bedside lap on my way to illuminate the room. Only to turn around and find a sleep mussed Weston in my bed. My eye grew so wide they nearly fell out of my head.

  Weston’s tattooed arm moved up to cover his eyes, “Too bright,” he muttered.

  “What the hell are you doing in my bed, Weston?” I screeched.

  His mouth opened then closed with a deep yawn, “Finn asked me to come check on you after I helped move all his shit this afternoon. I came over, let myself in, you were sleeping, I was tired, so I joined you.” He shrugged like it was no big deal for him to be snuggled up in my bed.

  “Are you insane? You live next door, why couldn’t you go home to sleep?” I was pacing back and forth across the end of my bed now, waiting for his answer.

  Weston sat up abruptly, reached for my hand and yanked me back into the bed on top of him. I squirmed and struggled to get back to my feet but he was too strong, and held me in place with his arms wrapped around me.

  “Let me go, Weston! This is not appropriate!” I cried.

  “Fuck appropriate, Tory. I’m sick of appropriate. And while we’re at it, I’m sick of you avoiding me like I’m the fucking plague.” He fumed.

  My struggles ceased at the tone of his voice. I’d never heard him speak like that before. “It’s not like that,” I tried speak, but he cut me off.

  “Yes Tory, it’s exactly like that. You’ve been avoiding me since that day in your kitchen. And I’m sick of it. I miss your face, I miss your voice, I miss you, Tory. So when I came in here and saw your tear stained cheeks, I couldn’t stop myself from climbing in behind you and holding you for a little while.” His voice had softened, as had his hold around me.

  I didn’t know what to say, today had been far too emotional already, I couldn’t do this. Not right now. Not ever really. But I couldn’t stop myself from soaking up the comfort he offered, if only for a few moments.

  His large calloused hands swept up and down my back soothing me, and I let him.

  A few minutes passed, with not a word spoken between us. I took a deep breath and pushed myself up so I could look down at his face. He wasn’t the ten year old boy who befriended my son anymore. He was a man. A very attractive man, who could have any woman he pleased, yet here he was, in my bed.

  “Why?” I asked softly, truly wanting to understand.

  Weston’s hands came up to tuck my hair away from my face, and cup my cheeks. “You are the most selfless woman I have ever known. You’ve put Finn’s needs ahead of your own for as long as I have known you two. But it’s not just Finn’s needs you put first, it was mine too.”

  One of his hands slid down my neck, coming to rest over my heart, “Your heart beats for those around you.” He paused licking his lips, “And my heart, it beats for you.”

  Tears pricked my eyes, nobody had ever spoken to me like that. As my tears began to fall Weston lifted himself up towards my lips and placed a feather light kiss against my mouth. It was soft, it was tender and it spoke so loudly of his feelings for me. It made my tears fall harder.

  I’d been keeping my feelings on lockdown for far too long. But I couldn’t keep it up. Tory was in my arms, and I didn’t see my best friend’s mum. I saw the woman I wanted, the woman I needed, and for the first time ever, I saw my feelings reflected in her eyes.

  Closing the small space between our bodies I cupped her cheek, and stroked the pad of my thumb over her plump bottom lip. How many times have I wanted to touch that lip? To bite it? To lick it? To suck on it?

  She released a strangled groan, “Weston,” my name on her lips, that soft breathy moan did something to my rational thoughts, and I closed the distance between our mouths and did all the things I’ve been aching to do to that lip.

  Tory’s hands slid up into my hair as she clung to me. I pulled away just a whisper, “Don’t make me keep waiting, Tory.” I breathed.

  She shuddered under my palm, then she closed her eyes so tight her nose crinkled. “Weston, this is so wrong.”

  Smoothing my thumb over her lip again, making her eyes flash open, I grinned at her, “But what if it’s right?”

  When he pulled away, a deep tormented sob broke free, “I’m so sorry Weston, I can’t do this.” Before he could stop me I slid from the bed and locked myself in my adjoining bathroom.

  I could hear him trying to open the door, but I ignored him.

  “Let me in, Tory, we need to talk.” He demanded.

  I fought to gain my composure, “You have to go, Weston. Please, you need to leave.”

  “Goddamn it, Tory, when are you going realise I’m not a boy anymore?” he emphasized his words with a pound of his fist against the door.

  I knew he was no longer a boy. I’d known it for a long time. But that didn’t change the fact that he was still my son’s best friend. I placed my hand against the door, “I know, Weston, I do.” I took a shuddering breath, “but it’s so much more complicated than that.”

  “Then explain it to me,” he pleaded, “I’ve just laid myself out to you Tory, you owe me this.”

  Chewing on my lip, I knew opening the door would make this so much harder. I couldn’t look at him right now, not when I was feeling so weak, so vulnerable, so alone. “You haven’t been a boy to me for a long time Weston. That’s why I’ve avoided you. This can’t happen, you and me. You’re Finn’s best friend. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Why? Because of what people would say? Fuck what anyone else thinks. This is about you and me, Tory. Nobody else. Finn would get over it, I guarantee it. Just open the door, please.”

  My lip was raw from my teeth continually gnawing on it, but I couldn’t stop. I needed the pain to distract me from opening the door and going to him. I could feel his torment through the door, and it ate at my soul.

  “I’m sorry Weston.
” And that’s all I could say. I was devastated, and I was ashamed.

  Eventually I heard him leave, but I stayed in the bathroom for a long time after. I made myself a hot bath, and slid into its steamy depths hoping to calm my mind so I could find some clarity in all this.

  In the weeks that followed I never saw Weston. Now that Finn had moved out, there was no reason for him to randomly pop in, even though he still lived next door. I got the distinct impression that he, like I had done to him, he was avoiding me.

  I didn’t blame him for avoiding me. In all honesty, I didn’t know what I would do if I saw him, so it was best that I didn’t.

  My mind, as well as my heart, had been twisted in knots since Finn moved out.

  I rubbed at my chest, trying to relieve the ache that had settled there the day he moved out. But it never worked. I missed Finn fiercely, even though, true to his word, he and Nixie did eat dinner at my place nearly every night.

  But things had changed, and I needed to find a way to adjust to our new dynamic.

  I had to figure out who I was, outside of being Finn’s mum.

  And that might just be the hardest thing of all.

  Nine Months Ago . . .

  “Mumma, I’m home!” Finn sang out as he slung the front door open.

  I laughed and glanced up to the clock on the kitchen wall, they were early. “Dinner isn’t ready yet, you guys are super early. What’s the occasion?” I called back.

  Finn was positively beaming, and Nixie was glowing. I raised a brow in suspicion, “You two better not be here to tell me I’m going to be a Granma, I’m too young for that!”

  They laughed as they continued their approach, my eyes flicked back and forth between them. Something was up. And I was dying to know what. “I’m not getting any younger here, if you’re going to age me twenty years in one afternoon I’d prefer you did it quickly.”

  Nixie grinned, “We’re just waiting on Wes, then we’ll tell you our big news.”

  My heart leaped into my throat, “Weston is coming over? Like, here? Now?” I stuttered.

  Finn’s expression morphed from elation to caution instantly. “Yeah, why?”

  I busied my hands, wiping down the already clean counter tops around me, “No reason, must be big news if you need us both here for it.”

  Before Finn could push the issue, the back door slid open and a freshly showered Weston walked in. “Alright dude, if it’s a boy you have to call him Weston Junior, I’m still working on a female twist to my name, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out if it turns out you have Barbie balls.”

  Nixie burst out laughing, while Finn glared at his best friend. “Barbie balls?” he asked, clearly offended. “My first born will most definitely be a boy, just to prove the manliness of my nuts. But you can hold off on the female rendition for now, we’re not pregnant.”

  I wanted to feel relieved by that statement, but with Weston in the room there was no way my heart rate was going to slow down anytime soon.

  Weston appeared crestfallen, “So no little Westina?”

  Finn shook his head, “I’m afraid not bro, not now, and with a name like Westina, not ever.”

  Nixie was still laughing at their exchange, and normally, I would be too. But I was still struggling to get a grip.

  “I’ll try come up with something better, but Westina is a good back up name.” Weston said as he punched Finn in the shoulder.

  That move began a fake scuffle between the two. They were always trying to kick each other’s arse. It must be a guy thing. Nixie and I got out of the way and waited for them to finish.

  By the time they were done they were both sweaty and dishevelled. “Have you proved your masculinity yet, baby?” Nixie asked when Finn draped his arm over her shoulder and dropped a kissed top of her head.

  My heart ached, they were so perfect for each other. Seeing them together like this always made me simultaneously happy, and a wee bit envious. I wanted that for myself. Unconsciously my eyes flicked over to Weston, who was also watching Finn and Nixie’s exchange.

  When his gaze moved over to me, I quickly averted my eyes and cleared my throat. “So, what’s the big news then?”

  Finn looked me in the eye, “We’re getting married.”

  And just like that, my heart stopped beating.

  My boy was getting married.

  It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for him. I was. Ecstatically so.

  But I felt like I’d only just started getting used to him not living with me, and now he was going to be a married man.

  Everything was changing so quickly. Everything except me.

  I was still the same. I worked the same job, lived in the same house, did the same thing, day in- day out. I was living the same life I had started living the day I became Finn’s mum.

  I needed to move forward. I just didn’t know how.

  Weston’s touch on my forearm jerked me from my selfish thoughts, “You okay, Tor?”

  His hand lingered on my arm, my eyes locked on the point of contact, my skin burned where we touched.

  “Tory?” he whispered making my eyes move to his, the look of concern shining back at me snapped me out of my tailspin.

  I pulled away from his touch, it took more effort than I’d like to admit, but I did it. “Yeah, I’m fine, I just had myself all worked up to become a grandmother.” A shaky laugh slipped past my lips, “Thank god that’s not on tonight’s agenda!”

  Finn and Nixie laughed at my lame attempt to shift the focus back to them, but Weston kept watching me carefully. It unnerved me, he unnerved me. I cleared my throat, “So, why’d you need us both for the big announcement?”

  “Because you guys are the two most important people in our lives.” Finn explained with a duh expression on his face.

  That night I lay in my bed trying desperately to think of a way out of this funk I’d found myself in. Then, as if she was laying right next to me, I heard Jacq’s voice. ~This is your calling Tory. How long have you been hiding this little talent of yours for? You absolutely have to make something of this.~

  I bolted upright in my bed, flicking on my lamp and looking around the room, sure she was in there with me. But she wasn’t. I’d had many moments like this over the years since she’d left us. It made me believe that she was still here, maybe not physically, but her spirit was always watching over us.

  And she had shown me the way, yet again.

  I knew what I needed to do. A weight lifted off my chest, and for the first time in months, I was able to breathe easy.

  The next morning I handed in my notice to head office, giving them one month to replace me. Training someone to take over my position would take a couple of weeks and after being the manager for the last twelve years, I didn’t want to screw them over.

  One month would also give me time to get things in order for my next chapter.

  As soon as I got home I pulled out my laptop and started ordering supplies. I was giddy with excitement I hadn’t felt in god knows how long.

  Six Months Ago . . .

  “So Finn and I have been talking about our bridal party and as you know I don’t really have many girlfriends, so I was hoping, you would be my maid of honour?” Nixie spoke while nervously picking at her hot pink nail polish.

  To say I was shocked was an understatement. Noticing my expression Nixie continued, “Don’t say no. Please. My lack of girlfriends isn’t the only reason I want you, Tory.” She glanced down at her nails again, then took a deep breath, “You have been my confidant and biggest supporter, besides Finn, throughout our whole relationship. You’re one of my best friends, and I don’t care how lame that sounds.”

  Tears pricked my eyes, that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. “I’d love to be your lame best friend slash maid of honour.” I sniffled and Nixie threw her arms around my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug. She was stronger than she looked.

  When she finally released me from her death grip hug I asked, “So,
who else is going to be in the bridal party?”

  Nixie sat back in her seat and picked up her coffee, “Well, Weston, obviously. And I’m going to ask my cousin Beth to partner up with Luke.”

  My heart started beating all over the place, of course Weston would be the best man. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wanted to bang my head on the table, but that would have made my distress obvious.

  So instead of making a scene, I picked up my coffee and took a mouthful, burning my tongue in the process. I started choking as I tried to spit it back into my mug, “Hot!” I panted while fanning my tongue with my hand.

  Nixie burst out laughing, “Oh my god, are you okay, Tory?”

  Tears leaked from the corner of my eye, but I nodded, “Ice?” I asked and Nixie got up to retrieve some from the freezer.

  When she returned with a cup of ice I gratefully took it and popped a cube into my mouth. “So Luke, huh?” I muttered around the ice.

  Nix nodded, “Yeah, he’s been the boys third wheel for years now. I mean he’s not as close to Finn as Wes, but he’s always been supportive of our relationship and he helped shut down the mean girl movement when we were in high school.”

  Luke had been around a fair bit after they graduated, but I guess I hadn’t really noticed. I was always been preoccupied with Weston.

  And didn’t that thought just cause my brain to nearly explode.

  I jumped under Nixie’s touch on my arm, “You alright there, Tor? You look like you just swallowed that ice cube whole.”

  My eyes widened, “Umm yeah. I mean no, I didn’t swallow it.” I poked my tongue out, showing her the small square of ice that remained.

  She tilted her head to the side, “Are you alright? You’ve seemed a bit off lately?”

  Sighing I knew it was time to tell her, I’d kept my new occupation a secret for the last few months, not sure if it would pan out the way I’d hoped. “Come with me,” I said, then got up and made my way down to Finn’s old room.