Simply, Mine

by Jane Carrington

  “Is this something you might consider, Meagan?”

  “Yes! Oh my gosh, yes. I’d love it!”

  “Wonderful. I expect the job to post after the New Year. Of course I will keep you posted. The other thing I wanted to talk to you about was a new scholarship that the center is sponsoring. It’s only five hundred dollars, but I thought I would give you the application.”

  My euphoria faded. “I don’t think I have the grades for a scholarship, John. I mean, I’m not failing anything, but they aren’t anything special.”

  “Well they take into consideration things other than grades. Community service and financial hardship, all sorts of things. You should try. You never know. Deadline isn’t until February so just think about it, alright?”

  “Alright. Thanks.” I put the application in my backpack, though I had no intention of applying. I knew who should, though and my heart ached again for Jake.

  “It’s getting dark. Would you like a ride home?” John asked.

  “No, that’s okay. I like the walk. Gives me time to think.”

  “Well, be careful.”

  I nodded and left his office with a smile. Passing by the window to the weight room I stopped and watched for a moment. The straining, grunting faces amused me. I guess I just didn’t understand a guy’s desire to be as wide as a doorway. The guys lifting free weights seemed to be more extreme than the guys on the machines. I watched one for a moment as he pressed fifty slow, steady repetitions. He seemed familiar. When he sat up, I knew why. Jake wiped sweat from his forehead with a white towel. He sat for a moment, leaning on his knees, catching his breath.

  I was knocked stupid and my eyes froze. I had never seen him shirtless before. In all of his working out he had managed to bypass in shape and shoot straight to amazing. I vaguely realized I had company in my ogling.

  “He’s a hot one, isn’t he?” It was Alicia, the girl who worked the front desk. Turned out she was twenty and only looked twelve. “The highlight of my shift, that’s for sure. I’ve offered him a ride home a dozen times. Apparently he likes to jog. It’s gotta snow sometime,” she said with a devilish grin.

  Jake, unaware of his admiring audience, stood up. His sweats hung low on his hips and I choked on my own spit.

  “You okay?” Alicia laughed.

  “Fine,” I croaked, sputtering and tearing up. “I’m fine.”

  After glancing at the clock Jake slipped on a dark grey hoodie and zipped it up. I turned away quickly as he headed for the door.

  “See you tomorrow, Alicia.”

  “See ya.”

  ♥

  I was standing in the kitchen the Friday before Thanksgiving when the lights went out. Looking outside I could see it was near sunset but being a clear, cold day I doubt we had lost power due to the weather. My mother and her new boyfriend came stumbling out of the bedroom. This one looked like Grizzly Adams. Appearance didn’t matter; my mother was in love. This one had a job and had bought her a TV for her bedroom so Kyle and Kaylie could watch cartoons in the living room. He was nice, I supposed. He seemed to be crazy about my mom and he was always nice to us. I guess I didn’t mind him hanging around too much.

  “What happened?” she asked, as if I had done something.

  I opened the front door and peeled off the disconnect notice. “Apparently they cut the power because you didn’t pay the bill,” I snapped, wondering how I was going to do homework and work on my art. She turned to make all kinds of pitiful excuses to the mountain man, pretending to be embarrassed, and began to cry. I did a mental count of my savings and wondered if I had enough to get it turned back on, at least through the holidays.

  “Aw, sugar, now don’t worry,” he said, hugging her. “You go on and get dressed and we’ll run down there before they close and get it turned back on.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that, Paulie, that’s too much.”

  “No, no, I insist. You can’t go through the holidays with no power and with winter to boot. Go on now, and I’ll warm up the truck.”

  “But I have to go to the community center,” I said. “I can’t watch the kids.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to skip it, Meggy. This is more important,” she said, faking sweet. I followed her to her room.

  “I can’t skip it and besides, there’s no phone to call. I’m supposed to be there in half an hour.”

  “Look.” She stomped over to me, suddenly angry. “I have enough problems to deal with. You don’t make anything volunteering anyway. I got a good thing going here with Paul. He’s a good man with a steady job. You figure out your own schedule.”

  She threw on some clothes; tight jeans, a flannel shirt and high heels. Classy. She turned to me with a cold, irritated expression. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Maybe you’ll just be late.”

  Paul’s truck engine roared outside and she clicked her heels down the snow covered steps.

  I looked back at the kids and sighed. I couldn’t just not show up. Not if I had any hope of getting hired one day. I sat down trying to figure out what I was going to do. There was one option.

  I groaned. I would almost rather try to explain a no show than to have to face Jake and ask a favor. We had grown used to the uncomfortable silence; come to accept it, even. But deep down, I had a feeling he would do anything for me, if I asked. I could offer to pay him to sit with the kids. So it wouldn’t be a favor, outright.

  I threw on my coat and told Kyle and Kaylie to stay on the couch until I got back. Marching over to Jake’s, I tried to keep in mind what was more important.

  I rehearsed what I would say to break the ice. I didn’t have it straight in my head, even as I knocked on the door.

  His father opened it, smiled and stepped aside. “Haven’t seen you for a while, how are you?”

  “I’m fine. I need to ask Jake something. Is he here?”

  “He isn’t, I’m sorry. He’s out with, ah…he’s jogging, I think.”

  Crap. I got all worked up for nothing.

  “Is there something I could help you with?”

  “Yes, thank you. If I could just use your phone?”

  “Help yourself.” He pointed to the old phone that hung on the wall. I dialed the number to the community center and made profuse apologies to John.

  “I’ll tell Jake you stopped by. He’ll be sorry he missed you.”

  “Will he?”

  He looked down and sighed. “I sure hope you kids get things worked out soon. Jake just hasn’t been the same these last few months.”

  I opened my mouth to say something and closed it quickly. I cleared my throat.

  “People change, Mr. Nichols. It can’t be helped.” I let myself out, went home and cried.

  ♥

  Thanksgiving was nothing more than an interruption of the schedule I had come to depend on. I tried to pass the time with drawing. My mother’s boyfriend, Paul, had insisted on making the turkey and sides so I had nothing to do. I thought about going down to Jake’s. Everything was closed and I was pretty sure he would be home. Having no idea what I would say to him, I was paralyzed with the fear of looking stupid, or desperate. I willed the time to pass so I could get back to my safe, predictable routine.

  ♥

  Sam moved the first week of December. They had decided to go live with his grandmother in Detroit. He was excited to go. We ended on a friendly note and said we would write each other. I hadn’t yet and doubted I would.

  Christmas was nothing special. The social worker delivered presents from the family that adopted us. My mother took it all to her bedroom and opened everything, trying to decide what would go back to the store for cash. She was in a rush to get it done before Paul came over, but I refused to help her. I didn’t care if she took back everything that was intended for me. I didn’t want it anyway.

  If I wasn’t at the community center working with the kids, I was miserable. I was tired all the time and missing Jake still made my heart hurt every day. The only thing I had to
look forward to at this point was applying for the position as John’s assistant and spending as much time as I could at the community center. Mercifully, Christmas break passed quickly.

  ♥

  My mother left me in charge of the kids and went to Paul’s to celebrate New Year’s Eve. I didn’t mind her going. I didn’t have any plans beyond watching the count down on TV anyway. I did mind, however, that she left us despite warnings of an epic winter storm, guaranteed to spoil the plans of revelers across the state.

  The fierce storm showed up around dinner and by nine o’clock, it raged ice rain and gusting winds, rattling the metal frame of the trailer. Even with the heat turn up high, there was a hard chill in the house.

  Kyle and Kaylie snuggled close on the couch watching cartoons and I put water on the stove to make hot cocoa. I dug around the cabinet looking for the canister I had bought and hidden the week before. I came up quickly, hit my head on the cabinet frame and everything went black. Kyle yelled as I held the rising lump on my skull and it was then I realized the power had been knocked out, leaving us in complete darkness. I groped around the counters feeling my way to the living room. My eyes slowly adjusted as I sat in between Kyle and Kaylie. I tried to remember if we had any candles or flashlights.

  “Stay here,” I said as I got up and felt my way to my mother’s room. Paul was a decent guy but smoked like a chimney. I could only hope he had left a lighter lying around. With luck, I found one feeling my way around the floor of her bedroom.

  Lighting it, I walked into the living room. Kyle and Kaylie cheered. I gathered up all the blankets and dumped them on the couch. We huddled together underneath them.

  “I want cocoa,” Kaylie said.

  “Well, I can’t heat up the water without power, hon.”

  She pouted and popped her thumb in her mouth. I snuggled with them and tried to tell them stories but it was so cold I couldn’t think.

  The temperature was plummeting and we were all shivering, despite the blankets. The wind howled and thrashed outside, threatening to tear the place apart.

  I tried to sing songs to distract them. They were shivering too hard to sing along.

  We all jumped when we heard a loud thumping on the porch. My heart pounded in my ears and I sat frozen on the couch as the door flew open.

  A large figure stomped the snow off heavy boots. He stepped inside and flipped back his hood.

  “Meg!” Jake yelled above the storm. “You guys okay?” he called, pulling the door closed against the wind.

  “Over here.” I lit the lighter and saw him bundled in his father’s Army issued parka, dusted with snow.

  “I came to see if you lost power.”

  “I think the whole neighborhood did.” I said, detangling myself from the pile of blankets and limbs.

  “Well, you can’t stay here. You’ll freeze to death. Come on. I’m taking you guys to my place.”

  “How is your place any warmer?”

  “My dad put in that old wood stove, remember? There’s not a lot of wood, but there’s enough to last through the night.”

  My toes were numb and my ears ached. The thought of a nice warm fire was enticing. Even if I still couldn’t look at Jake without hurting and hating myself.

  Jake scooped Kyle up, wrapping the blanket securely around him and with Kaylie’s knit hat tied on, he reached for her as well. She clung to his hip and we headed out into the blizzard.

  It was pitch black. Snow was blowing sideways in a white out and the wind was so cold it hurt my lungs.

  “Hold on to my coat!” he yelled, squinting against the frigid gust.

  We managed to find our way to his front door. He pulled it open and nodded at me to go inside. I closed the door as he deposited Kyle and Kaylie on the couch near the wood stove. They were shaking and scared.

  “Where’s your dad?” I managed to ask through frozen lips.

  “He went to bed. I told him I was going to get you. He knows you’re here.” He bent and stoked the fire, adding wood and then pulled off his gloves and blew warm air in his cupped hands. “Come over here. Warm up.”

  I stood tentatively next to him and held out my hands over the stove. While I should have begun to warm up, I started shivering violently.

  After bending to put another blanket on Kyle, he unzipped his parka and turned to me, swallowing me whole in the flaps, wrapping his arms around me. I blinked against his chest and had the sudden urge to cry.

  Eventually, I began to unthaw as the fire, and Jake’s radiating heat, took the deep chill off the room. I stepped out of his coat without looking at him and sat down on the floor in front of the kids who were lying on the couch together. Jake lit a candle and walked to the kitchen. He returned with a kettle, and placed it on the hot surface of the metal stove.

  “That’ll take a while to heat up,” he said. I nodded and having no idea what to say, focused on Kyle and Kaylie. I rubbed their backs until they were breathing slow and even together on the couch, snuggled in a cocoon of blankets.

  I sat down on the carpet in front of the fire. I was too unnerved by the monster storm and the silent questions that stood between Jake and I to sleep.

  After a while, Jake got up to check on his father. I heard them have a brief conversation but couldn’t make out the words. He returned and dropped down on the carpet in front of me.

  “I think they’re out,” he said, nodding to the kids.

  “Yeah. Thanks for coming to get us.”

  “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

  Yeah. A big red do-over button. A chance to rewind time about four months.

  “Nah. I’m good.” I pulled a hanging string off my sweater and played with it.

  “No, you’re not.” He stared at me, his eyes pressing me for the truth.

  Not here. Not now. I pleaded silently. I have nowhere to run.

  “I guess being stuck together amidst a raging storm is as good a time as any to get things hashed out. Being that we’re both too stubborn to do it willingly.”

  I remained quiet. Everything I had wanted to tell him over the last few months hid again behind the fear of rejection. Luckily, I didn’t have to start. He did.

  “I thought after Sam left you would start coming around again.”

  “Well, you said you were done and I didn’t know if you were still with Suzie.”

  “I came over twice to find out if something I’d heard was true...Your mom said you weren’t home. I figured you were avoiding me.”

  “I wasn’t avoiding you,” I said, eyes down in my lap.

  “Are you upset because Sam moved?”

  “No. We ended friends. I’m glad he got out of here.”

  “I thought you’d be sad.”

  “Is that why you came over?”

  “Sort of. I heard a rumor that-”

  “Oh, this should be interesting. No good has ever come out of the rumor mill.”

  He laughed. “It was stupid. I should have known better than to believe it.”

  I felt extremely tentative. I had known him for so long, but now, sitting here in front of the fire and surrounded by the tattered remains of our relationship, I felt reserved and self-conscious.

  “I heard you were pregnant,” he blurted out.

  I sat back in shock. “Wow. So, that’s what’s going on about me at school?”

  He nodded.

  “And you believed it?”

  “I didn’t know what to believe.” He shrugged. Suddenly, I was prideful and getting angry.

  “Is that what you think of me? That I’m the kind of person that would sleep with Sam out of some sort of revenge?”

  “No, no.” He squeezed his eyes shut as if he were trying to scrub an image from his mind. “But it’s why I came over. To see if it were true.”

  “And what if it was true?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

  “Well, at first, I’d feel guilty. Like my blow up on Halloween drove you to it. And then when Sam moved, I
really believed it. I thought he was running.”

  “Geez, that’s harsh.”

  “I know he liked you but I didn’t think he was into you that much. He’d had enough to disturb his world. It made sense to me that he would take off. And then, I expected you to come to me and tell me, but you never did.”

  “Well, if that were the case, I wouldn’t burden you with it. It wouldn’t be your problem. Besides, what could you have done?” I asked, almost amused.

  “I might have gone temporarily insane from jealousy, but I would have gotten over it. And I would have taken care of you,” he said quietly. “So you wouldn’t have go that road alone.”

  I looked up expecting a jesting smile, but he was dead serious. I looked back down at the string wrapped around my finger.

  “That’s insanity, Jake.” I laughed nervously. He didn’t.

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re going off to the Army in a few months and you said you needed to travel light.”

  “I wouldn’t have left you to deal with it alone,” he repeated.

  “Jake, I think you’re forgetting the fact that you said you’re done with us.” This was all very confusing.

  He sighed heavily. “I was done with trying to make you and me—we.”

  “English please?”

  “It came to be all or nothing for me, Meg.”

  “I don’t understand. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I was willing to accept whatever I could get. I would have gotten used to cupcake. I was trying, Jake. I came to realize that I couldn’t keep you all to myself.”

  “That’s what I’m saying, I didn’t want you to get used to Suzie and I didn’t want things to go back to the way they were. For me, that was impossible. I wanted you to fight for—” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Me and Suzie had broken up and made up at least five times,” he said with a tired sigh.

  I fought the jealousy rising up, feeling I had no right to it anymore.

  “Why did you break up so many times?” Jealous I couldn’t be, but curious, I could.

  “Because we both knew it wasn’t right. We just didn’t want to be alone.”