Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “Cat,” Evan started. She pushed by him. He grabbed her upper arm, stopping her from moving any further. The moon shone through the window and lit up her cheek when she looked up at him.

  He stared at her. He looked at her with pain in his teary eyes. His mouth was twisted up.

  “I love you, Cat. I’ve always loved you.” He let go of her arm and looked away. His throat was dry and his tongue was thick. There. I said it. It’s done and she knows it.

  She opened and closed her mouth but didn’t say anything in response. “I can’t be with you because I can’t be without you,” he continued. “I’m in love with you, and it hurts too much to have you.”

  “I don’t even know what that means.” She shook her head and bit her bottom lip. “If you love me, why can’t you be with me?”

  He sighed. She deserves better than me.

  “I’m too afraid to lose you, Cat. I know I’m can’t give you everything you want, and I can’t do that to Hudson’s memory. I promised myself I would never,” he said. His voice was barely louder than a breath. “You were Hud’s girl. I couldn’t…I’m not supposed to care about you like this, and now….”

  Catalina reached out her hand, grazing his fingers with her own. His eyes fluttered shut in the darkness. He listened to his own heartbeat pound blood in his ears as she carefully drew circles on the back of his hand with her pointer finger. He breathed her in. He still tasted her on his swollen lips and felt her hands on his body.

  She leaned her body into his, pushed her chest against his arm. His face was still turned away from her. She leaned her head onto his shoulder and kissed him there over his shirt.

  “I’m here, Evan. I’m here right now and I want to be with you.”

  He smiled in the dark. His mouth turned into a smile. A tear trailed down his cheek. He’d wanted to hear that from her for years.

  “But you have to want to be with me,” she whispered in his ear and stepped away from him. She drew her hand away from his and walked down the hallway in silence. She quietly closed the bedroom door behind her.

  Evan stood in the quiet living room, listening to the clock ticking behind him. He took a breath, pulled on his coat, and stepped out into the night.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I know I canceled our first meeting at the last moment. I'm sorry for that inconvenience.” Evan shook the bank manager's hand.

  “Don't worry about it. Catalina told me that you had some sort of sickness. Food poisoning or something? Well, that's beside the point. I'm glad you are feeling better.”

  Evan followed him into the office and sat in the leather chair opposite the desk.

  “Yeah. Sorry about that. Thank you again, Mr. Bronson.”

  “Call me Jim, please. How can I help you today, Evan? Something about a business loan?” Jim sat down behind the imposing dark wood desk and put on his reading glasses. Evan slid the presentation folder across the expanse toward him.

  “Yes. I'm interested in starting my own specialty baking business. Now, if you take a look in here, I have the whole business plan laid out, even the ten-year plan. Also, I have a list of personal and professional references and my personal financial information.”

  Evan tapped his fingers on the top of his knee while Jim looked through the paperwork slowly. Sweat dripped down the back of Evan's neck and into the collar of his shirt. He fought the urge to wipe at it with his hand. He glanced out of the frosted office window on the door, making sure that no one was sitting on the other side.

  “I have a degree in business from Penn State. I’ve also helped my family run their bakery since I could walk, so I'm...familiar.” Words came out of his mouth seemingly of their own accord. He couldn't mess this up. He needed the loan.

  “You come with glowing recommendations, Evan. I assure you that Catalina couldn't stop talking about you and your idea for this business of yours. She said something about these amazing lemon bars you make.”

  “Uh, yeah. I make these special vegan, gluten-free lemon bars. It took me a while to figure out the proper substitutes, but I'm sure you would love them.” Evan smiled. Cat was talking him up behind his back. He liked the idea of that. She was the whole reason he was there.

  Even after everything he did to her, all the running away, being a jackass, she still talked about him. Wow.

  If he ever wanted another chance with her—and, of course, he did—he needed to figure out his life and he needed to do it fast. There wasn't anything in the world he’d wanted more since he was a kid in elementary school than to be by Catalina's side, and if he didn't get it together and straighten out the noisy mess in his head, he was going to lose her forever.

  “I know that the idea of a vegan, gluten-free bakery in this town might be surprising, but I think there's a great market for it. I have already been in touch with wedding planners, coffee shop owners, and the university for special orders and referrals. They are all waiting until I have the funds and the space to start producing.”

  Jim closed the folder in front of him, not looking at the other stacks of papers Evan had compiled for his review. His heart start to pound faster. He bounced his leg, despite the shooting pain from his injury. His palms were slick with sweat, and he wiped them on his pants.

  “Now, I know what you're thinking. If you can just give me a chance—“

  Jim waved his hand, stopping him from continuing.

  “Evan, don't worry so much. As far as I’m concerned, this meeting was a formality. I just needed you to fill out the standard application form, which I see you have done here.”

  Evan sank back into the chair. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. The room temperature felt like it was a thousand degrees.

  “You come very highly regarded. You have a history in the community and in the business. I'm sure that you will do just fine.” Evan finally took a breath. His chest felt immediately lighter. “I just have one question. What does your family think of all this? Are they supportive of you branching out on your own?” Jim clasped his hands lightly on the desktop. He slouched slightly in his chair, and his reading glasses perched on the edge of his nose.

  They would have a conniption. He was certain he might cause one of them to have a heart attack or his mother to burst a blood vessel out of pure anger. But he would do it. He had to do it. For his own sanity. For his own future and maybe to have a family someday.

  He couldn't live like this anymore. Afraid of his parents, afraid of failing, believing all those terrible things they said about him. If there was any way that Evan was going to get ahead in his life, he needed to get out of their bakery. Waking up early, lugging around flour bags, agonizing over recipes, all those things he could handle, even enjoy. But being under the influence and control of his parents and their business was only going to keep stopping him in his tracks.

  “They aren't too happy about losing me as part of the team, but they'll come around.” He met Jim's eyes straight on.

  “With your skills, I'm sure they're not.” Jim chuckled to himself. “Now, you know when you get on your feet, we're going to have to have a sample of those lemon bars. Sounds exactly like something my wife would love.”

  Evan laughed. Threw his head back and laughed. It was that simple? Hot damn. He would ply people with baked goods every day for the rest of his life if it meant that things like this meeting, a meeting that could possibly change the course of his life, would go smoothly.

  “Mr. Bronson, I’ll whip up any baked goods you like for you and your wife. How do people in the office like doughnuts?” He had been practicing on a new apple cinnamon doughnut recipe he wanted feedback on.

  “I'm sure people in the office would appreciate that. I know Catalina always raves about your treats.”

  Cat. If she ever talked to him again, at least he would be able to tell her about this moment. Things got turned around, and it was mostly due to her. She was the one who helped him set up
the business plan. The one who pushed him to go for the loan in the first place.

  She was the one who had believed in him all along.

  “Thanks, Mr. Bronson—er, Jim. I am so grateful for your time. Where do we go from here?” Evan was perched on the edge of his seat, holding back the urge to hug the guy.

  “We'll just wrap up the final paperwork, cut a check, and you'll be on your way.”

  Evan wanted to punch his fists into the air but thought better of it at the last moment.

  “Sounds great.”

  *

  “I’m ready, Gil. I can get back out there. Life is just waiting, and I know I can at least find someone I enjoy doing things with,” Catalina said.

  “Yeah, but speed dating? I can’t believe this is your answer to needing to get laid.” Gillian rolled her eyes for the fiftieth time that night. She was wearing a small blue dress, form fitting to her tiny frame. Her thin arms shivered in the night as she swayed on black sandal high heels. She’d had a few shots before leaving the house with Catalina, said she needed the liquid courage to deal with the amount of bullshit they would encounter that night.

  They meetings were held in a downtown hotel bar. Catalina had seen an ad for it and wrangled Gillian into going with her. When Marie had learned that Catalina was trying to get back into the dating pool, her sister almost pushed her out of the door in a rush. She was all too eager to babysit.

  “I know. It seems kinda cheesy.” Catalina wrinkled her nose. “But it’s a good way to meet some new guys and not get into a bar fight this time.”

  She took a small sip of her glass of white wine. She was sticking to only one glass. Gillian rolled her eyes again.

  “That was pretty boy’s doing, not your fault. He still never really explained that one.” Gillian raised her eyebrows. She tilted the beer bottle to her lips and looked at Catalina. “Hey, I’m sorry about whatever happened with Evan. I know it’s a sore topic.”

  Catalina waved her off. “It’s okay. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s done.”

  “You never really ever talked about it. Did you write some sad poetry about it in your journal and move on?” Gillian asked with her face screwed up into a grimace. Gillian wasn’t the romance type.

  “No. I moved on. It was nothing. It is nothing,” Catalina insisted.

  “Your mouth is saying that, but your eyes still look so sad,” Gillian said.

  “Way to be harsh, Gil.” Catalina rolled her eyes. “I’m allowed to be sad. I’m depressed, remember?”

  Gillian snorted.

  “If anything, everything with Evan woke me up. I’m doing better than ever.”

  Catalina held her head up. Gillian studied her with her big dark eyes before squinting at her.

  “I still think there’s something going on.”

  Catalina’s face burst into a flush. She felt hot under her shirt. She rubbed at her neck, the rough scars reminding her every day of the accident.

  “I cared about him. I wanted to be there for him after the crash, but he didn’t want me around anymore. I wanted him to be in our lives and he just freaked out.”

  “Yeah, Kitty. You helping him and being his only friend must have been really annoying him. I can’t imagine, and then you acting like you’ve been dumped for the past month has only been a coincidence.” Gillian never minced words. She got right to the heart of whatever was on her mind.

  She scowled at Gillian. It would have been so nice to have Bonnie there with her sweet attitude to tone down Gillian.

  “I have not been acting like I’ve been dumped. I wasn’t dumped. I already told you. There was nothing going on between us. We were friends and now we aren’t.” Catalina waved her hands in front of her face. It was simple. It was easy. For a few months there, things got pretty confusing, but not anymore.

  “I think…” Gillian took a deep breath. “You seemed really happy with him. You seemed like your old self, and I loved seeing you like that. I want you to be happy.”

  “Yeah, I was happy, but I’m happy now. Don’t worry so much,” Catalina finished.

  She studied her glass of wine, watching the liquid slosh around the glass. She could still hear Evan’s pained voice in her ear.

  I’ve always loved you.

  She shook her head to clear the memory from her mind. There was no reason to think about Evan at this moment. The ball was in his court. If he wasn’t ready to be with her, she would have to move forward with her life and see what else was out there.

  “There’s something you’re not telling me, Kitty. I’m pretty sure that’s why you dragged me down here to flirt with divorcees and slobs in polo shirts.” Gillian looked around the bar as people started to mill about. They were definitely some of the younger people in the crowd, but then, Catalina was a widow.

  She twirled her wedding band on her finger.

  “You don’t have to take it off, you know. Don’t feel pressured,” Gillian said as she patted Catalina’s forearm.

  “I know. But maybe it’s time. I am here. I think I’m ready to. I …ah, what the hell.” She pulled the ring off and placed it gently in her clutch handbag. There was a pale line on her finger and she rubbed at the soft skin there.

  “Look at you, Kitty. Ready to get back in the game.” Gillian laughed and turned to look at the guys walking in the door. “Here’s some fresh meat.”

  Two guys who looked to be in their thirties walked into the bar. They were wearing black sport coats and dark jeans, but that’s where the similarities ended. One was a shorter but muscle bound. He was wearing a dark-colored v-neck shirt and his light brown hair was cut short to the scalp. The taller one had darker skin and was lanky like a runner. Catalina knew right away which one Gillian was already fawning over.

  “Okay, I can dibs on tall, dark, and dangerously sexy. You can have the little one.” Gillian was almost jumping out of her chair.

  “Gil, it’s not supposed to be like that. We have to sit down with each of the guys, see if we get along, and then ask for their contact information. This is supposed to be easier than picking them up at a bar. I looked it up online.” She tugged at the collar of her shirt, hoping that it covered most of the scars. She was suddenly self-conscious as more people trickled into the bar area and put on name tags.

  “Oh, yeah. I forgot that you’re new to this whole thing.” Gillian waved her hand around in her face.

  Catalina turned back to her wine. “I’ve never really dated before,” she said.

  “Look, I’m sorry. I get in this mood. I really don’t mean to act like that. I really have been thinking about settling down. Seeing Bonnie in the hospital like that, I want something like what Gene and Bonnie have.” Gillian shook her head.

  “I think that would be nice, Gil, to see you settle down. Make a mortgage payment. Pop out some babies.” Catalina laughed to herself. She never thought she would be telling Gillian this.

  “Do you think it’s worth the pain?” Gillian asked quietly, looking away from Catalina.

  Catalina took a small sip of her drink and tilted her head for a moment. There was the ache in her chest after losing Hudson, and the waves of sadness still came over her from time to time until she felt like she was drowning in it. But those days were farther apart now. She didn’t feel so broken anymore. She could remember the look on Hudson’s face when he held Olivia for the first time, when Olivia said “Dada” after weeks of coaching from Hudson, the feel of his arms around her in the middle of the night, without tears sprouting in her eyes.

  The sound of Evan baking in the kitchen. The smell of his skin as he cupped her face in his big hands. The taste of his gentle kiss in the dark.

  “It’s totally worth it,” she said to Gillian.

  “Good. That’s good to know, but I’m still going to climb onto that guy later tonight.” Gillian lifted her glass at the tall man with a smile.

  *

  “What they say about runner’s high is real. You get in the zone and you … zone out,
you know?” The man in front of Catalina spent his minute and a half talking about his exercise routine. Catalina had overheard the exact same speech when he was sitting with Gillian. She tried not to look bored. She straightened her back and cleared her throat while the guy, who was clearly older, already balding in the back of his head, laughed at his own joke.

  “I guess I don’t have a lot of time to exercise since I’m so busy chasing my daughter around,” she said with a smile. Anytime she felt awkward with her speed dates, she would mention Olivia and the air would kind of go out of the guy.

  “Oh, you have a daughter?” he asked as he leaned forward and placed his forearms on the table.

  “Yes, I do.”

  “That’s cool. How old? Does she look like you?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

  Catalina looked at him sideways. I really need that little bell to ding now. Come on, little bell. Save me.

  She glanced over to Gillian. who was drawing circles in the palm of her tall guy and whispering to him.

  “Uh…she’s five years old,” Catalina said. She eyed the guy more closely. The puffy bags under his eyes shook a little when he laughed.

  “That’s cool. That’s cool,” he said, smiling widely at her. The bell dinged and Catalina let out a breath.

  “Time’s up!” She said too enthusiastically.

  “I’d love to get your number—” the man started to say as he stood up. Catalina turned to Gillian, ignoring the creepy guy. Her friend was still talking to the dark-skinned guy at her table.

  “No. Definitely call me,” Gillian was telling the guy as he settled down in the chair in front of Catalina. The smile on Gillian’s face was incredibly large.

  The guy smiled at Catalina, too, and shook her hand.

  “My name is Leo,” he said and his voice was deep and smooth.

  “Catalina.” She pointed at her nametag. She leaned over to Gillian. “I’m not sure if I can do this anymore. I hate it.”