When In Rome...Lose Control: Cynthia's Story

by Mae Hill,Lena

  “If you say so,” Cynthia said, shaking her head. “As long as you’re a willing participant. I definitely was not.”

  “Of course not,” Maggie said. “I know you wouldn’t do that.”

  Cynthia looked ahead, where Nick and Kristina were strolling along, both tall and skinny and disgustingly cute together, and she wasn’t sure. Maybe she would go after another girl’s guy. Especially one who could pull off suspenders and a bow tie.

  They stopped in front of Maggie and Kristina’s host house, where they were staying as roommates. Nick and Kristina stepped off to the side, and he bent his head to her as they talked quietly.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with that?” Maggie asked, cutting her eyes at the couple.

  Cynthia opened her mouth to say, Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I be? but she couldn’t do it. She hadn’t known Maggie that long, but she felt like they’d been friends forever. They didn’t really have anything in common—Maggie was from a good, middle class family, with her life all mapped out, while Cynthia was from a messed up family and could hardly plan next week. The only thing they had in common was a drive to succeed. But Maggie was the type of person she could confide in, she knew that much. “Not really,” she said. “But what can I do about it now? I told them both that it was fine.”

  “So tell them it’s not.”

  “Nick deserves to be happy,” Cynthia said. “And I guess Kristina does, too.”

  Maggie smiled. “I know you argue, but she’s a good person. If you told her you liked him, she’d back off in a second. No questions asked.”

  “That wouldn’t be fair,” Cynthia said with a sigh. “I had my chance, and I blew it. If it doesn’t work out for them…you think I’ll still have a chance?”

  “They’ve gone out, like, twice,” Maggie said. “Whatever feelings they have for each other, they don’t go much further than lust.”

  “Oh my God,” Cynthia said. “Couldn’t you have said that some other way?”

  “Sorry,” Maggie said quickly. “That was the wrong way to put it. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  Just then, though, Cynthia caught a movement with the corner of her eye, and the next thing she knew, she’d witnessed what Maggie must have been talking about. Kristina’s arms snaked around Nick’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Her slender body pressed into his, and—

  “Hey.” Maggie’s firm grip closed around each of Cynthia’s arms, and she turned her away, stepping in front of her. “Look at me,” she said. “Just keep breathing. You’ll be okay.”

  Cynthia wasn’t so sure. She thought the top of her head would blow off like the loose lid of a Coke bottle after it was shaken too hard.

  “Okay,” Maggie said. “It’s over.”

  “Is he going inside with her?”

  “No, because she’s my roommate, and that would be weird. He’s coming this way. I better go.” She leaned in and gave Cynthia a quick hug. “Good luck,” she whispered, giving Cynthia’s arm one last squeeze before she turned and slipped past Nick to the front door of their house, which opened right onto the sidewalk.

  “Hey,” Nick said, shoving his hands into the pockets of his black dress pants. He hunched his shoulders and rocked back on his heels, seeming to find the street behind Cynthia suddenly fascinating.

  She crossed her arms across her chest. “Hey.”

  “Um…you want to get the tram back?” He gestured to her heels while he spoke.

  “No, let’s walk.” She wheeled and started back without waiting for an answer.

  “Uh, Cynthia?”

  She turned back to see him still standing in front of the house, and for a brief moment, her insides threatened to drop out. He was going to tell her he’d decided to go in for a bit. And there was no way in hell she was going to torture herself by hanging out with Maggie while he and Kristina got it on in the next room. But then she saw that Nick was gesturing the other way with his thumb, and she sighed and stomped back, which was difficult to do in heels.

  “What would you do without me?” he said, giving her that little side smile.

  “I went back towards the tram,” she snapped. “It made sense.”

  His smile vanished. “Sorry.”

  Usually, she didn’t mind him teasing her about her horrendous sense of direction. For one, she’d long ago accepted it, and for two, it didn’t really bother her that she was bad at it. But now, she found herself wondering if Kristina was good at direction and if Nick teased her about it. Which was about the most meaningless and petty comparison she could make, but she did it nonetheless.

  “I guess you and Kristina hit it off,” she said after fuming in silence for a while.

  At least he had the decency to look sheepish. “I guess.”

  “Are you going to keep dating after we get home?”

  “I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “It depends.”

  “On what?”

  He didn’t answer for what felt like an eternity, but was probably only ten seconds. “A lot of things,” he said at last.

  “Like?” she pressed.

  “It’s a little soon to have that talk,” he said. “We’ve only hung out a few times. It hasn’t come up.”

  A few times. That meant more times than tonight. She took a few deep breaths, trying to steady herself. “But you must have thought about it,” she said at last.

  He hooked his thumbs through his suspenders and gave her the side eye. “How do you know?”

  “Because you’re that kind of guy.”

  “What kind of guy am I?” he asked, a little teasing in his voice.

  “There are guys who just want to have fun, and guys who play for keeps. You’re a keeper.”

  “I am?”

  “Girls can tell these things.”

  “So I’m not fun?”

  “You’re fun,” she said. “But that’s not why you play.”

  He pondered that for a minute without speaking, then said, “And all girls just know this somehow?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Hm. Good to know.”

  They walked on for another minute. Cynthia’s shoes were killing her feet, but she forced herself to endure it. She deserved it. She almost enjoyed it.

  “That’s not a bad thing,” she said. “Not necessarily.”

  “Is this like that time you told me about your date who said he was sleeping his way around the world and you could be his Mexico? And you said I was such a nice guy for listening to you rant, and that it was a myth that nice guys finish last, but then you went out with that guy again?”

  “What does that have to do with this?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “Forget it.”

  “No, tell me.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” he said. “Anyway, maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not nice guys, it’s just me. I never said I was a nice guy.”

  “Of course you are,” she said, reaching for his arm. But she stopped herself from linking her hand through his elbow at the last second. That wasn’t allowed anymore. He’d gone and ruined the careful balance they’d maintained for the past two years, and now she wasn’t sure what she could or couldn’t do.

  Just as she retracted her hand, she managed to wedge her heel into a crack in the sidewalk and turn her ankle. She hobbled on for a few steps before Nick stopped walking and sighed. “Go on, take off your shoes.”

  “Are you sure? I think I can make it.”

  “We’re only halfway there.”

  “Okay. But you don’t have to carry me.” This wasn’t the first time she’d worn impractical shoes when they hung out. He’d carried her around at least a dozen times—home from parties or bars, when her feet got too sore from dancing or standing in tight shoes all night, even once when they’d ended up on an impromptu night hike when she’d been wearing heels.

  “I don’t mind,” Nick said, waiting while she paused to take off her shoes. “If you want…”

  “See, that’s why you’re a nice guy.” She rem
oved one shoe and then the other. Two yellow eyes glowed from the alley across the street as a cat peered out at them. Cynthia waited for Nick to bend low so she could climb onto his back. Before, he would have slapped her butt or made some suggestive comment, but this time he only boosted her up and started walking, his hands gripping her knees instead of supporting her butt.

  “I get it,” he said.

  “Get what?”

  “I may not know how girls can tell if I’m fun or not, but I know what it means when a girl calls me a nice guy.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it,” she said. “You are a nice guy. A good guy.”

  “Thanks.”

  She’d never heard him sound so bitter before, except…

  “Oh, I see,” she said. “Let me guess, your ex broke up with you because you were too nice?”

  “She didn’t break up with me.”

  Cynthia didn’t argue. She remembered differently, but she didn’t want to hurt his ego.

  “But close enough,” he muttered after a minute.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know that. I’ll never call you a nice guy again.”

  “I don’t care. Call me whatever you want.”

  “No, that’s not cool. You never told me that. But from now on, I’ll never say you’re nice again. In fact, you’re pretty much a jerk.”

  “Too true.”

  “A total ‘roid-raging Neanderthal, now that I think about it.”

  After a second, he laughed, and a current of warmth spread through her. She practically melted with relief. Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.

  But it would help a lot if she weren’t so aware, when they fell silent, of the rhythm of his hips moving between her legs. When they’d been talking, she’d barely noticed, but as soon as they stopped, she couldn’t stop feeling his body shifting under hers with every step. Her skirt had ridden up when she climbed onto his back, and as he held onto her, his fingers pressed into the soft flesh behind her knees. The heat of his hands on her bare skin seemed to build with every step, a warmth that climbed higher and higher up her thighs and settled between them, stirring an aching hunger to life.

  When he finally stopped in front of her flat and let her down, her thighs were weak with it. “I guess I’ll see you around,” she said, pretending to look for cats so she wouldn’t have to look at him.

  He didn’t seem to be too interested in making eye contact, either. “Okay. See you then,” he said, and turned and hurried away. Cynthia let herself in and went straight to her bedroom, where she peeled off all her clothes and slid into bed, her hand finding its way between her legs before she’d even pulled the covers over herself.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Hey,” Nick said, sliding into his seat next to her in class on Monday. “You coming with us tonight?”

  “Wow, it’s really happened,” she said. “For the first time since we met, I’m the one tagging along with you, and you’re the one with all the friends.”

  “Pretty awesome, huh?”

  “Not even a little.”

  “So? You coming?”

  She sighed. “Okay. Where are we going?”

  “We’re going to walk along the Tiber and see some of the bridges.”

  “That sounds like a date.”

  “Could be, if you wanted,” he said with a grin.

  “I don’t think your date would agree to share.”

  “Aww, don’t be sad,” he said. “You’ll always be my number one.” But he sat back in his chair then, because Kristina sat down on his other side. And then he started talking to her, like everything was fine and normal, just like it always was. That’s how he always was—so cool with everything, so happy. It drove her a little nuts.

  Still, it turned out that everyone was going to see the bridges along the Tiber that night, and she didn’t want to be left behind. And it was something she hadn’t done yet. It wasn’t on her list, so she couldn’t cross it off for her mom, but she wanted to do it, anyway. Even if it meant going out with a group of couples. She considered asking Maggie to have Enzo bring a friend, but in the end, she didn’t have it in her to fake interest anymore. She was only interested in one guy, and he already had someone.

  They got off the tram stop near the Tiber and walked along its bank on the cobblestone walkway. “I can’t believe it’s almost over,” Rory said. “We only have one week left.”

  It felt like forever, and at the same time, nothing at all. Cynthia walked behind Rory and Ned, with Maggie and Enzo behind her. Kristina led, like usual, walking arm and arm with Nick. Why hadn’t Cynthia noticed how good she had it when Nick was with her, even if they hadn’t been more than friends? She’d spent so much time trying to find dates like her friends, when she didn’t have to put out any effort at all. Nick had been there for the taking.

  And now, someone had taken him.

  A row of cats sat along the edge of a bench they passed, and Cynthia shivered and crossed her arms. Now, she’d have to spend the rest of the trip alone, thinking about what an idiot she’d been and watching Nick with someone else. She’d miss the city, with all its cats and statues and fountains, but she also wanted to go back home, for everything to go back to the way it had been. Of course, she knew that going home wasn’t going to erase all that had happened here. Or all that had happened while she’d been gone. She was going to have to go see her dad’s gravesite sooner or later. But for now, she had a few more days to think about something other than death.

  They reached a bridge and walked up onto it to see the water moving slowly below. Cynthia stood holding the globe charm on her necklace and looking out at the river.

  “You got a penny?” Kristina said to Nick.

  “Yep.”

  She laughed and swatted his arm with the back of her hand. “Give me the penny. I want to make a wish and throw it in.”

  “I think you’re only supposed to do that in fountains.”

  “I can think of something else I’d rather do in a fountain.”

  Cynthia closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. If she could block out the voices around her, she’d be alone. But she didn’t want to be alone. The thing was, she’d thought that she’d used Nick as some kind of shield so she didn’t have to meet new people, do new things. But that wasn’t true. She’d done all those things with Nick by her side. He was a person, not a way to avoid people. They’d come all the way to Rome together, seen the world. On some level, she’d thought that because she’d found a true best friend to share everything with, that she could stop trying. But they hadn’t shut themselves off from other people. They’d done everything together. All the fun she’d had in college, she’d had with Nick.

  She opened her eyes, and there, across the city, she could see the shining dome of St. Peter’s Basilica. She said a quick prayer and turned to her friends.

  “Hey,” she said, reaching out to touch Nick’s sleeve. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure, of course,” he said. “What’s up?”

  Behind him, Kristina was watching her. “Um…maybe over here?” She stepped away from the others a little, into a shadow. Nick turned back and gave Kristina’s hand a quick squeeze. That didn’t bode well. Cynthia swallowed, her throat suddenly dry.

  “What’s up?” Nick asked, joining her.

  She curled her fingers around the ledge at the top of the stone wall of the bridge.

  “This is not what I planned when we came on this trip,” she said. “This is crazy. What am I doing?”

  “I don’t know.” His voice was guarded. “What are you doing?”

  “I think…I think I’m telling you that I’m not so cool with you dating Kristina after all.”

  “Okay…”

  “I’m sorry, I know it’s messed up, and it’s the worst possible timing…”

  “I don’t get it,” he said. “Is it Kristina? Or anyone? Because you wouldn’t talk to me for days after I said that to you. You don’t…?”

>   He searched her face, and she waited, feeling more naked than if she’d been standing on that bridge without a speck of clothing on.

  “Do you?” he asked at last, tilting his head as if genuinely curious.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, no, that’s not true. I do know.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I like you, okay? I really like you. I’m sorry. I know it’s not the right time to say that.”

  He didn’t even glance over at where Kristina and the others were talking and goofing around. “Well, I like you, too,” he said. “You know that.”

  “No, I mean, I love you.” She swallowed hard, barely able to breathe. “I think I really love you.”

  “Oh.” He looked surprised. Not ecstatic or exhilarated. Just like he didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what she’d expected him to say, but it had definitely gone a little differently in her head. But okay, she deserved that.

  He looked over at the others and then back to Cynthia. She thought she might cry soon, but the realization seemed far away, like she was watching herself from outside. She forced words through her tight throat. “Do you?”

  “Well, yeah,” he said. “But what about how you wanted to meet some Roman guy, and I was smothering you, and all that stuff you said?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I guess that probably had more to do with my dad than you.”

  “Oh.”

  “You’re not smothering me,” she said. “I promise. I miss you so much, Nick. I thought I wanted something else, but I don’t. You challenge me to get out there. And yeah, maybe I always want you to be there when I’m going somewhere new and I don’t know anyone, but it’s not because I want someone to protect me. It’s because I want to talk to you, to be with you. I want to share all that stuff with you. You’re the only person I want to share it with.”

  “I don’t mind being your sidekick,” he said with a little smile. “I never had a problem with that.”

  “I know,” she said, the tears seeping from the corners of her eyes. “But you shouldn’t have to be. You make me feel like a better person than I am. But that’s not fair to you. I shouldn’t use you to make me feel good. I always thought I was just a strong personality, but maybe I’ve been walking all over you.”