WHITE OUT (24690)

by Dark,A. A.

  My shoulder jerked to the side as his fingers caressed around my elbow. I couldn’t bear touch. Not for comfort and not at the realization that this man wanted more than to console me. It made me want to lash out from the sickening hate it stirred. “No. That’s it. Leave me,” I said, holding to myself, tightly. The wind blew back my hair and I stared around City Center, blankly taking everything in.

  It was over. Really over. As much as I wanted to prove myself by being on the board for Whitlock, that path was gone. With Bram’s display of ownership in front of West and the High Leaders, he, nor anyone else, would ever take my role seriously. It was a truth I needed to see. One, I secretly prayed wouldn’t happen, but it did. I’d never be free and at the top. The way he had taken control and treated me all but showed that. There was no passion or love. No respect. Not that I expected there to be given what I knew. It was heartbreaking for my slave. The spark we once held was gone. Everything was about appearance and power and he’d make it clear who held it all and who didn’t hold an ounce.

  As I began to walk the length of the nearly deserted field, I let my mind drift. The once beautiful green was gone. All that lay in the beaten area were patches of mud and trampled down earth. The dead grass that still remained was more off to the far side of the mountain. Somehow, I found myself heading to the area at a slow walk.

  Wind, so cool it burned my skin, bit into my cheeks. It wouldn’t be long until winter came. Until snow blanketed the blood-soaked sins this place had stained in its very core. The executions and public displays of violence may have been gone, but I’d never forget the things I’d seen. The things I’d done.

  Tears burned my eyes and I tried my hardest to blame it on the frigid temperature. Maybe it wasn’t that cold, but I sure felt like ice. My time was running out. Days had gone by since the blowout in the White Room and still I didn’t have a clear answer from Bram on his plans for me. What would happen once he healed? What if his urges or need to have me returned?

  My head subconsciously shook. I wouldn’t feel for him again. I was done with men. With people, in general. You couldn’t befriend monsters and expect blood not to become involved at some point. And that’s all this place housed. No one was to be trusted. The reality of my new plan was sinking in even more. I couldn’t live my life this way and expect to survive.

  “Think about it, wife. A baby. You could be a mother. I could be a father. We could celebrate the holidays as a real family.” West’s words kept coming back haunting me. Filleting me to my very soul. A family. A child of my own.

  Wetness spilled down my cheeks for more reasons than I could bear. Even as nice as the dream was, I knew better. I wasn’t fit to be a mother. And this was no place for a child. But what did I have besides Whitlock? Nothing. What would I ever have? Not a biological child, I knew that much.

  The grass thickened and I wiped the tears from my cheeks, shivering through the horrors and emptiness that wouldn’t leave me. Little white puffs blew against my face, making me jolt to a stop as I brushed my hand over my mouth. The unexpectedness caught me off guard. I was so lost in my thoughts that I had never seen them coming.

  “Dandelions. It’s pretty uncommon for them to be parachuting this late in the year. Even more uncommon for them to be here to begin with. But not completely surprising given the conditions. I doubt the landscapers have worked since I was attacked.”

  I turned, glancing back as Bram came forward.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Instead of answering me, he stopped only inches away, leaning down to pick one. “You’re supposed to blow against the seeds and make a wish. Here.” He handed it to me and I looked between him to the circular flower that was already disappearing from the light gust. “Make a wish, Everleigh.”

  A wish? As if it would ever come true.

  My attention went back to the dandelion and I closed my eyes, blowing what remained of the seeds. The tears came and with them, the one thing that repeated continuously in my mind. In my heart. I wish I were free.

  “What did you wish for?”

  I opened my lids, not able to look at Bram. I rolled the stem between my fingers, letting what was left of the flower drop to the ground. “Nothing.”

  “You had to wish for something.”

  At the softening of his voice, I looked over cautiously and shrugged. “What does it matter? Wishes don’t come true.”

  “Says who? I happen to know plenty of people who wished for things and got them. Wishes happen. Miracles occur. You’d be surprised.”

  “Then, I want to be free.”

  Bram frowned, stopping to pick another dandelion. “You are free. Try another.”

  “I am not free.” I didn’t grab the flower, but instead blew against the seeds as I kept my attention on him. “I wish I was normal. With a normal life, like normal people.”

  His face hardened. Again, he lowered, picking another. “Normal is overrated and boring. You’ve come so far. Your life will get better now that you’re away from West. One more wish.”

  A sob threatened at the aggravation, but I held it in as I blew even harder. “After you deal with my husband, I wish to leave Whitlock. Forever.”

  “Slave …”

  “Don’t call me that!” At my yelled, his jaw flexed. “You wish to leave Whitlock, or leave me? You weren’t so inclined to run away before you knew I was alive.”

  “I had a purpose, then. I could have tried to save what you worked so hard for. I could have changed this place. There’s nothing left for me, now. I already know you’re going to decline my request to be on the board. I have no desire to have anything else to do with being here. I want to leave.”

  “You’re right. I do decline it. But you know I can’t let you leave.”

  For seconds I couldn’t react. My heart crumbled to pieces at his words, even if I had already known his answer. Slowly, my head nodded.

  “I saw you,” he said, lowly. “Days ago when you left West’s cell. I watched the tape of you walking away from us. You grinned for the briefest moment. If I remember correctly, you were pissed when you left us. Do you want to tell me what you were thinking?”

  “No.”

  “You talk to him in your sleep. Did you know that?”

  I tensed. “What do I say?”

  “Does it matter? Is there anything you’re hiding from me?”

  “Of course not,” I burst out.

  Bram shoved his hands in his pockets. “Maybe not.” He grew quiet while he kept his stare on the ground. “You say his name. You laugh, randomly. Sometimes you just cry. Is it because you love him? Miss him? Are you upset at what he’s going through?”

  Before I could answer, Bram looped his arm through mine and led me around the circle.

  “He wasn’t always bad,” I said quietly. “He truly loved me and I think the weak, naïve part of me latched to that. The thing is, none of it matters. I dream of you, too. It means nothing. My old Master used to say it’s just a way our brain’s cope.”

  Bram glanced over. He was close, but not close enough to make me nervous. Yet, still I watched him like a hawk.

  “Everleigh, will you ever open up to me? You hide the truth so well that I forget sometimes you’re not the slave I left behind.” He slid his hand down the length of my forearm to wrap his fingers through mine. My chest nearly caved in as he turned to me. His beauty was paralyzing. It always had been. “West bested you. Whatever you meant to tell him that day disappeared when he spoke of family and children. I know that’s what you want. That’s why you mentioned normal today. Is it so hard to tell me that’s what’s bothering you? It’s natural for you to want that. It’s okay for you to.”

  I tried to rip my hand free but failed. “We both know I can’t have kids. Even if I did … get one … it wouldn’t be safe here. Safe with me,” I barely managed. “I don’t deserve the right after everything I’ve done. We both know I’m not well enough to care for a child. I’m ruined in every way. Maybe foreve
r.”

  “Not in every way. What he ruined, he only made stronger.”

  A sound rumbled through me. “Stronger? How do you explain seeing what you think is a dead man standing over you in the middle of the night? Or see him in the halls when he’s not really there? What about hearing his voice? How is that strong? It’s not, Bram. I’m ruined.”

  “Once you come to terms with everything, it’ll pass.”

  I stopped, finally able to pull my hand free of his. “You act as though I have control over this. What if I see and hear you for the rest of my life? I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Maybe I’m standing out here talking to myself and I don’t even know it.

  “Perhaps, you are. There’s one way to find out.” He hesitated, stepping into me. The closeness only had me stumbling back. His lips pursed and again he closed the distance. “You’re going to have to let this fear go, Everleigh. That’s why you’re so determined to stay away, but you can’t if you’re going to stop the cycle. Let me ask you something. What do you do when you’re afraid of something?”

  “Kill it.”

  Anger flickered on Bram’s face. “You’d kill me?”

  “Are you going to hurt me?”

  He let out a soft laugh while he studied my face. I knew that look, just like I knew whatever he was about to say was going to be laced with a lie. “I would never hurt you like he did. I’m not West. So, let me ask you again. What do you when you’re afraid of something?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Face your fear.”

  Fingers gripped onto my arm, easing me into his body. My mind screamed to fight. To claw into his face for touching me without my consent. His lips brushed over mine and the slave whimpered for more—for peace. She was so hurt and exhausted from mourning a man she kept trying to convince herself was truly dead.

  “Kiss me back, slave.”

  Teeth tugged at my bottom lip. The fight within me surged until the need to slap him was almost unbearable. Anxiety heightened while he kissed me, again. Over and over, I tried to make sense of the racing thoughts. There were facts that outweighed my need to react. This wasn’t my husband. This man hadn’t physically hurt me since his return. And he loved me once. Striking him because I wanted was out of the question. The Mistress knew that as well as the slave. But he was right. I was afraid—terrified. Bram was a killer—an abusive one at that. And the worst part was that I knew he could give me the love I longed for. Right up until my death.

  “Everleigh, kiss me.”

  “I can’t do this.”

  His lips massaged into mine while he held me more securely. Had I thought I felt trapped before? I was trembling and a scream was on the tip of the tongue he so sweetly caressed. I could feel myself giving in to his kiss. The ground tilted under my feet and the light suck against my tongue about did me in.

  “Oh, God.” I broke the connection of our lips, turning my head away from him. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop the screams in my head. “Please let me go. Bram, please.”

  “Face the fear. You really don’t want me to stop.” His arms tightened even more and the thrash was automatic. I couldn’t hold in the insanity that was dying to take over. This was Bram … and the moment I gave into the love I felt for him, I might as well put a gun to my head. His true colors would come out. He’d choke and try to suffocate me again. Probably beat and cut me up like I knew he wanted. Then he’d rape me when I tried to deny him. Rape. I couldn’t be raped again.

  “Let go. Let! Go! Let! Go!”

  West’s voice merged with memories almost conjoining with the words I screamed. I froze at the tricks my mind played on me. Tears poured free and when my stare shot up to Bram, I knew. I knew what I had since before I fooled him into going to West’s cell. My new plan was the only way. My wish would come true.

  “The fear will pass,” he said, calmly. “This isn’t you. What you’re feeling is his doing. It’s his control over you.”

  “I need time. I have to go. Please, I’m begging you.” The desperation was thick in my tone and suddenly it was only half real. The numbness was easing in. The wind whipped around us and they stole the manipulative confessions that wanted to come from my slave. I wiggled in Bram’s arms, relieved when they dropped and set me free. And like the scared little mouse he thought I was, I ran to hide from the predator who was closing in.

  Chapter 21

  West

  “Out. O-out. Let. Me. Out!”

  Each word I forced was said through clenched, chattering teeth. My jaw was damn near locked. My body was numb it was so cold. But the worst was not hearing anything but myself.

  I had heard the saying of silence being deafening, but I hadn’t known the true definition until now. My ears seemed to be in a constant state of ringing. And the room. Had I thought the last one was annoyingly white? It didn’t hold a candle to the lack of brightness I seemed to be drowning in. Even the light was oddly devoid of color. I was going crazy. I knew that. The paper plates were white. The rice was white. White. White.

  “F-fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” My shoulder crashed into the padded wall. “F-f-uck you, Bram! Bram!”

  I turned, running and throwing myself into the other side. The space was a good ten feet in width. Maybe only a little bigger than my previous cell, but with the lack of perception, I couldn’t tell. Nothing was clear. Not even my thoughts. Focusing was impossible with the way my mind was playing tricks on me. I thought here I could plot the ultimate revenge. That when I was released I would know what to do. No. There was no planning within these walls. There wasn’t even any clear thinking. How long had I been enclosed in this hell? Days? Weeks? Time was non-existent. Each minute stretched out forever and the below freezing temperature only made it feel even longer.

  “Come play, husband. Come sit with me. I won’t bite.”

  My head shook while I backed away from Everleigh. She came to me often. The first time I thought she was real. She appeared as if she were. But my face wasn’t gone, and she hadn’t peeled it off like my hallucinations had made me believe.

  “Let me keep you warm. Come curl up next to me.”

  “Fuck you. F-fuck no. This … not … happening. Fuck. Buy. D-door.”

  What the hell? My sentences were getting screwed up. Nothing I meant to say was coming out. I forced my eyes closed, still seeing the bright light penetrate through my lids. My legs gave out and I crawled to the side, burying my face in the corner of the wall, using my bicep to try to block out the light. I was trembling so badly that I almost felt ill from the constant shaking.

  “H-home. Need. I. Fuck! Fuck! F-fuck!”

  My legs kicked out as I thrashed back and forth. Water poured from my eyes and oxygen felt almost impossible to take in. God, was I still rolling? I was and I couldn’t stop. My body had a mind of its own and there was nothing I could do but spin in a circle on the floor like some dying or poisoned bug. Poisoned. God, had they poisoned me? Was that why I couldn’t breathe?

  The top half of my body flew to a sitting position and I heaved. Once. Twice. Nothing. And I was crawling, now. Not just crawling, but damn near running on all fours like a fucking wild animal. A high pitched yell left me and I somehow managed to stop. My head collapsed to rest on my hands and the sob that left me was full of agony and rage.

  My lids closed again and I tried my hardest to get a grip. I wouldn’t lose it completely. I wouldn’t let Bram win. He couldn’t keep me in here forever. Would he? Was this my punishment? Never-ending white torture? Jesus, I would take death over this. But maybe that was the point. He wanted me to suffer and this was definitely worse than physical pain.

  Time blurred by as I drifted in and out of consciousness. I wasn’t sure how long went by before I finally rolled over to sit. And just as if on cue with my innermost thoughts, my door opened and I was blindfolded and put in earmuffs. I didn’t have time to react to the shock of someone else’s presence. My brain wasn’t quick enough to signal my fight response, or that I shou
ld even react at all.

  My hands were pulled behind my back and the handcuffs were barely existent against my numb skin.

  No sound. No color. But I did have darkness. The relief was so great that I couldn’t stop the sob that left me rocking with each forceful shake of my shoulders. To feel gratitude for anything was like an electric shock zapping through my mind and body. The guards pulled me along, but I was too weak and too emotional to stand.

  The swaying of my head left me confused on which way we were going. I knew we might have turned, but I was devoid of the ability to have direction. Bram had stolen more than my wife when he put me here. He stole everything. Every sense I had. Every thought I harbored. My reactions. He reduced me to nothing.

  Warm air began to penetrate my skin for only a moment before I was forced to sit. I couldn’t even go to the restroom alone. I knew the men were still there even if I couldn’t see or hear them. And it wasn’t like I could take my time. My body didn’t allow me to. How long had it been since the last time they’d brought me here? It felt like forever ago. Before I could even try to figure it out, they were pulling me back up and throwing my nude body under water so cold that it made my cell feel like a fucking sauna. How was it that it burned my skin and made me frozen at the same time? I didn’t understand any of it. All I could do was gasp through the shock until they were stripping me of my blindfold and earmuffs and literally throwing me back in the room. Back to my new hell. Back to the white.

  ****

  “Black is black

  White is white.

  Kiss my lips

  Don’t take my sight.

  The taste so sweet

  Like honeyed heat

  My love is dead

  My soul is beat

  We dance our dance

  So close and slow

  The white is cold

  Just like the snow.”

  Silence.

  “What do you think, old friend? It could use some work, but I like it.”