by KB Winters
“No, I don’t need fucking coffee. Just tell me what the hell is going on?” His hands landed on my shoulder and I tensed even though my body wanted to lean into his, feel the hot, hard heat of his body. But I couldn’t. Nothing felt right anymore and I just wanted to cry.
“Nothing is going on with me, Max. You showed up when clearly you didn’t want to be here and now you have to get up early, so I’ll see you whenever.”
“What the hell does that mean?” His voice roared in my small kitchen, making me jump.
“It doesn’t matter, Max.” I pulled the drain on the water and turned. “Good night.” My pulse raced as I looked up at him, those big gray eyes dark as gun metal and as intense as a hurricane. I loved him, but a love like this might kill me. He stared at me for a long time before he nodded, turned on his heels and left.
I changed into a long t-shirt that came just below my knees before curling up on the sofa with the rest of my sangria. Reality came crashing down at the bottom of the third glass. I thought Max and I were building something, working towards a real relationship. But we weren’t. We were nothing more than two people who spent time together and fucked. That was it. Now that I knew that painful truth, I had an even harder decision to make.
Could I live in this half of a relationship where Max slipped out of my bed each night and went home to face his demons alone? I’d have killed for someone other than an overworked social worker to help me deal with the trauma of my scars. Yet here I was, not enough.
Again.
As my eyelids grew heavy, the answer skated on the outer edges of my consciousness. I might not be the prettiest girl around, or the smartest. But I did have some self-respect left.
Mostly.
But what did self-respect matter when you were facing heartbreak for the very first time?
***
“Everything looks good as far as bookkeeping, but I noticed you aren’t taking advantage of every deduction you could, and I’ve put it in my notes so you can think about it.” I sat across from Mr. Cross inside my office, dressed like a professional in plain black pants and a black blouse, doing my best not to notice how much…man he was. Not that I was interested in him like that, but the man had a presence that was hard to ignore. He was big, really big, at least six and a half feet with the body of a linebacker. I imagined he wasn’t a man who had a hard time with the ladies. But he was a client and those thoughts were totally inappropriate. “Otherwise, Mr. Cross, your business is thriving. Congratulations.”
He grinned a sheepish sort of grin that showed off oddly boyish dimples and he scraped a hand over his short chocolate colored hair. “Thanks, and it’s just Cross. Ms. Carter.”
“Jana, please,” I said automatically because it was good to keep things semi-formal when handling people’s money. “Do you have any questions?” He shook his head and I stood to lead him out of the house when I remembered one final thing. “Have you considered taking advantage of the green tourism with shirts and bags and other things people might want as souvenirs they can actually take home with them?”
He blinked and stood. “I hadn’t, but I’ll have the guys look into it. Thank you again, Ms., ah, Jana.”
“No problem,” I told him as I pulled open the door and offered up a hand to shake. “I’ll send updates quarterly and call if anything sends up any alarm bells, okay?”
“Sounds good. Thanks again.”
“What the fuck is going on here?”
I startled at the sound of Max’s angry voice and turned to see his nostrils flaring and spitting out fire. He was spoiling for a fight. I clenched my jaws and smiled at Mr. Cross. “You’ll have to forgive my friend, apparently he’s forgotten his manners.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jana. Thanks for your help.” He gave a wave but he didn’t move and I felt like something was happening that I didn’t quite understand.
“My brother wasn’t enough? What are you, some fucking down low biker bunny?”
I sucked in a breath, and in that moment, I completely understood what people meant when they said their heart broke in half. Nothing in my life, not the attack by Robert or the greater betrayal of Karen, not even the death of my parents had hurt as much as this. Because I was too young to remember, but now it felt like a small favor. His eyes were filled with disgust, his voice dripping with hate. Mr. Cross stood between us and I tried to push him aside. “Mr. Cross, please, don’t get involved. I’m fine.”
He ignored me, glaring down at Max because as big as Max was, he was bigger. “What the fuck is your problem with me and why are you talking to Ms. Carter like that?” A giant hand landed on Max’s chest and he moved back a step.
“Ms.? Why the fuck are you calling her Ms. Carter?”
Mr. Cross frowned down at him, blue eyes as dark and angry as Max’s gray ones. “It’s her name asshole, and generally how people address those they have professional relationships with. Asshole.”
He blinked once. Twice. And I could see the moment it had all become clear because his shoulders deflated all the anger out of him, but he didn’t seem at all contrite. “Oh. Why didn’t you say anything?”
Ugh, men. I shook my head and turned on my heels, slamming the door behind me. Max was a jerk and I was the idiot who’d gone and fallen for the first guy to show me a little honest attention. As angry as I was, as much as Max’s words had hurt me, I was angrier with myself. I let myself believe that I could have something normal, something fun and light and hot. I should’ve known better.
Life had forced the lesson down my throat enough times.
I stopped in my office to save the documents again and shut down my computer for the day as the bell rang out front. Ignoring it was easy enough since I knew who it would be, but just to make it easier I went into my bedroom to change and cranked up the music. I could still hear the bell, just barely so I turned up the volume again and made my way to the kitchen.
Cooking wasn’t just a necessity, it was a great way to channel excess energy while I thought through problems, whether professional or personal. Admittedly there hadn’t been many personal problems in my life, many a professional conundrum had been resolved in my tiny kitchen. By the time I’d completely scaled the trout, the knocking and ringing had stopped.
But I kept the music on high just in case. Fish and steamed veggies wasn’t exactly exotic cuisine, but the pina colada turned it into a culinary party for one.
That didn’t sound pathetic at all.
Chapter 15
Max
Drinking to drown one’s sorrows was a young man’s game, and I hadn’t been young since I was eighteen. The nights were long and cold, and lonely as fuck, and the days were even worse because everything looked normal and bright and happy. When it shouldn’t. Because things weren’t. Things were shit.
I’d fucked up big with Jana and it was looking like she might not forgive me, at least if I went by how steadfastly she ignored my calls and my texts, and me in general. She wouldn’t answer the door, even when her car was there, and no matter how often I stopped by I couldn’t catch her coming or going. What I didn’t understand was that she seemed more upset about how I’d acted in front of Cross than the fact that my fucked up brain had nearly killed her. That didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care, I kept trying. And failing.
So, I waited until Friday, until art class.
Only she wasn’t there and thirty minutes in, she hadn’t shown up and I knew she wouldn’t. The instructor, Moon, gave me a pitying smile that I hated as I stood up to leave, fed up with this whole fucking week. “She’s probably just taking the week off to finish up her series for the show.”
I looked at Moon, dressed in a long blue velvet dress, Birkenstock sandals and an arm full of copper bangles. She looked like a sorceress or something. “What show?”
He frowned and a wariness appeared in her gaze that I didn’t like. “It’s nothing really, just a few artists I’ve asked to donate their work to my next show.” She reached behind
me and handed me a purple sheet of paper. “I hope to see you there.”
“Maybe,” I told her as I looked at the details and noted the date was just over a month away. “Thanks, Moon.”
“You’re very welcome, Max. I hope this class has helped you in some way.”
I offered up a smile at her sincere words and the hope shining in her eyes. In a way, the class had helped because it was where I met Jana, who had done a lot for me. But that’s not what she meant. “It has, Moon. Thanks.” With ten minutes before class ended, I rushed out to the street and hopped on my bike, in a hurry to get home. Where pizza and cold beer waited.
Throw in a little Netflix and I had the perfect night. Perfectly pathetic. It wasn’t how I’d spent my Friday nights lately and the contrast was killing me. Everything was so fucked up and it was all my fault. Well, not all my fault. Jana had to own some of the blame too since she’d invited Tate to dinner and then had taken a job with my club. I couldn’t quite figure out why she would do that and not tell me because I’d been sleeping for shit lately which meant I was beyond exhausted and unfocused.
I’d given up on thinking about Jana after a while because I just couldn’t take it. I put on an old sitcom that I’d missed while I was overseas and drank too much beer. Enough beer to dull the memory of how Jana had looked when I accused her of fucking my brother and club President, or the fear when my hands were clasped around her throat. There wasn’t enough beer in all of Mayhem, hell in all of Nevada.
Around ten the door opened and Tate made a shit ton of noise as he came inside carrying a paper bag that smelled like home cooking. “I guess you already ate,” he grinned. “Guess I’ll eat this later.”
“What is it?” I looked over my shoulder at him, trying to get a look at the bag. “Where were you?”
Tate rolled his eyes. “Dinner. Steak nachos. It was damn delicious and the company was good too. She made too much, she said, but we both know she just wanted to make sure you were eating. Not that you deserve it.”
I couldn’t argue that point even though it did make my lips curl to hear proof that she felt as fucked up as I did. “She’s better off,” I told him even though I didn’t believe it.
“If you say so.” But he laid me bare with a gaze that told me he knew I was lying to myself. “I’ll just put this in the fridge for later then.”
I was off my feet in a hurry, practically chasing my brother into the small, sparse kitchen. “I didn’t say I didn’t want it. Gimme.” I held out my hand and in that moment I was catapulted back in time and holding my hand in the same way for Tate to give me a toy he’d taken from the corner store. He’d refused and I picked his scrawny ass up and tossed him over my shoulder as I made my way back to the store and Mr. Collazo, the owner who always looked the other way when we were a little short on cash. The memory made me laugh.
“Okay, you’ve officially lost it. Go talk to Jana and get your shit straightened out.” He backed away, purposely looking like he thought I might snap.
I told him about the memory and he laughed. “What a weird memory.”
Tate shrugged as he unloaded the bag. “Better than the other memories you’re having. Guess that’s why you always come home.” His words were said without judgment but still, it stung to know anyone had been around during my nightmares.
“Yeah. The nightmares are a bitch, but I’m handling them.”
He arched a blonde brow up at me. “You sure? Is this what caused the beef between you and Jana? Because I gotta say, she seems like the supportive type.”
“She is, and no it’s not.” I told him what I said to her and watched his eyes grow bigger and wider. “Now she’s not speaking to me at all, and I don’t fucking blame her. But I can’t leave her alone.” I shook my head, still unable to wrap my mind around everything. “The crazy thing is she’s more pissed about this than the fact I nearly choked her in the middle of a nightmare.”
My brother stared at me for a long time. For so damn long that I thought maybe I had guacamole on my face as I dug into the nachos. “You’re in love with her.”
I frowned. “I don’t do love other than, you know, mom and you.” It was crazy to think that after just a few weeks, okay more like a few months, I could have fallen in love.
“Well then I won’t tell you that Jana looks pale and sad, withdrawn. She probably wanted to cancel on me, but she did as promised and gave me an evening of good food and great conversation.”
I was still jealous as hell of Tate, but not the way I was when he’d first told me about her invitation. This time, it was because he was welcome and I wasn’t. “Yeah I’m glad for you.”
He laughed and shook his head like it was the most amusing thing in the world. “You’re a terrible liar, but that’s okay. I’d be feeling like an asshole too in your position.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I told his retreating form and turned back to finish off the nachos, wishing I was sitting in Jana’s colorful kitchen eating it while the smells of cooking still filled the house. Her sweet smile shining down on me, waiting for me to take that first bite. “Shit.” I stood and went to get my phone, shooting off a quick text that simply read, “thanks for the food.” I waited and waited but she never replied.
I felt shitty. Awful. But also, proud that she’d stood up for herself.
Too bad it was against me.
I grabbed the bottle of Jack and went to my room to face my demons.
Alone.
***
As soon as my eyes opened—for the second time—I hopped up, showered to wash off the drunk sweats and got dressed. I had only one thing on my agenda for the day and that was getting Jana to talk to me. I owed her an apology, a bigger one than I knew how to give so I hoped simple would do. When I finally left my room, I found Tate already in the kitchen. “You’re up early.”
He shook his head. “No, you are. Tough night?”
I shrugged and went for the coffee pot. “You could say that. What are you up to today?”
“Meeting with the lawyers.”
“I’m headed to Jana’s. I’ve got to get her to listen to me so we can talk.” I shook my head and set the empty mug in the sink. “Listen to me, I sound like a fucking pussy. You spent six years in prison for a crime you didn’t commit and I’m bitching about a woman.” Disgusted, I looked around for my boots and found them under the kitchen table.
“See? That shit right there, that’s why I accepted Jana’s offer to dinner. She talked to me, about her boring ass job, her beautiful best friend always trying to make her go out in public and how she misses the parents she can barely remember. She didn’t hold back on her shit because of mine. That’s what I need.”
Shit. “You couldn’t have just said that shit? For all my good looks, Tate, I am not a goddamn mind reader. You know how helpless I fucking felt when I came here and found out what happened? I’m your older brother, been protecting you most of my life. Fuck.”
“First off, fuck you, I’m the pretty one.” He batted his lashes and just like that the tension disappeared and we were both laughing like fools.
“You might be pretty, but I’m the hot one. Everyone knows that.”
Another smile curved his lips and he stood. “Well get your hot ass on over to that woman and grovel if you have to. And Max, trust me, you have to.”
The drive to Jana’s was short, but even obeying every traffic law hadn’t delayed my arrival by more than a couple minutes. I sat inside the air conditioned car for a few minutes to gather my thoughts but I knew I couldn’t stay long before someone called the cops about the perv sitting in his car. I made the short trip from the curb to her door, only she didn’t answer. But her car sat in the driveway, cool to the touch and I knew she was home.
I had a feeling I knew where she would be this time of day with the sun shining but the heat not yet oppressive, and that’s where I found her. Enticing figure kneeling on the ground, heart-shaped ass wiggling in the air as she played in the dirt, giving me a long,
seductive look at nearly all of her curves. I kept my presence quiet for several long moments so I could just…soak her in. “I’m sorry,” I finally blurted out.
Jana froze at the sound of my voice, pushed her hands on the hard earth to spring up to her feet. A scowl had already set on her pretty face, making the red scar an angry shade of red. Clearly, she was unhappy at my unannounced visit. “Don’t be, Max. You said what you thought.” She slid her sunglasses over her eyes, shielding them from me as she crossed her arms over her chest. There was enough distance between us for me to know just how much my words had hurt her.
“I didn’t mean it, though. That’s why I’m apologizing. It was anger and jealousy talking.” I took a step forward and she didn’t budge. “I was an ass and I’m sorry. Forgive me?”
She shook her head, blond tendrils flying loose from the high bun on her head, framing her face like a halo when the sun caught it just right. “No, I don’t forgive you Max. Not because I’m mad, because I’m not really. I shouldn’t have expected more than the sex, but I think we’ve run our course.” She spoke so calm and quiet, like she’d given this a lot of thought. A lot more than I had if I’m being honest.
“Well I don’t.” I tried to match the calm in her voice but I heard the tension and I knew she did too.
But she shook her head again, this time sending the entire blond bun falling down around her shoulders. “That’s because you don’t want an actual relationship. You want someone to sleep with who won’t make demands of you, and you thought I was that girl. It’s not your fault, I thought I was that girl too, willing to accept what I could get. But it turns out, I’m not.”
“I can’t believe you would say that to me. What have I done to make you think that?”
She scoffed and shook her head. “Really? Okay, let’s start with the fact that you never stay the night because heaven forbid I see the pain you’re in. You won’t even talk about it with me, and there’s the fact that you think I’m the kind of woman who could fuck you, your brother and a client of mine. I think that covers it.” She grabbed up her gardening tools and dropped them into a large plastic pail.