by KB Winters
“So, I’m a bad guy for wanting to protect you?”
“No,” she said, a smile ghosting around her lips. “I never said you were a bad guy, because I think you’re one of the good ones. But I don’t think I’m the woman for you.”
“Why?”
“Because if I were you’d understand my desire to want to help and protect you too. But you don’t, and that’s okay Max.”
“It’s okay? I’m glad it’s so easy for you to walk away.”
Finally, she shoved her glasses off her face to hold back her windblown hair and let me see the tears shimmering in her eyes. “It’s not easy, Max, trust me. I wanted this to work out, but how can it when you don’t trust me enough to let me be there for you? Or to not sleep with other people, apparently.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“You did. If only I could so easily forget being called a biker bunny, or seeing the hatred in your eyes as you said it.” Tears fell faster and she didn’t bother to get rid of them, just let them fall down her cheeks and her neck until they finally fell to her shirt or the ground below.
Her tears gutted me, but my frustration at her unwillingness to listen was getting the better of me. “Now I’m not allowed to make a mistake?”
“Of course you are! The problem is that you don’t want to correct the mistakes, Max! You plan to spend your life barely sleeping until you lose your mind and hurt yourself, or someone else?” Then she did swipe away the tears and took several deep breaths to calm herself.
“I did hurt someone. You!” How come she couldn’t see that? “I leave to protect you, Jana. Don’t you realize that I could have killed you?”
She shook her head, sadness hanging off her like fine jewels. “But you didn’t, and honestly, I’m more worried about the damage you’re doing to yourself. Max, this isn’t easy for me, not at all. I’m in love, for the first time in my life, and he doesn’t trust me. Doesn’t want me. I’m sorry.” More tears fell but it was the soft sniffles that tore me in half.
“No, dammit. This isn’t how things were supposed to go. You are supposed to be supportive and stand by me. Or was all that just bullshit so you could seem like the wise old woman who didn’t let her scars keep her from living?”
She gasped and took a step back and I immediately regretted my words. When all the fight left her, I knew I’d fucked up bad. “I guess maybe I am, Max. The difference is that I let you and Teddy drag me out once in a while because I knew it came from a place of care and concern. I don’t think you can say that, if you’re honest with yourself.”
I knew I couldn’t, but right now my pride wouldn’t let me. “So I don’t move on your timeline and we’re over?”
She let out a sob that kicked me in my heart and my balls at the same time when she dropped the pail and clutched her chest. “Max, I’ve asked you to stay and instead of just telling me you’re worried about your nightmares, you sneak out so you don’t have to deal with it. Or you lie about why you can’t stay.” She shook her head. “It isn’t about my timeline, it’s about the fact that I don’t see it changing and I hate the fact that the first time I took a chance on a man, that I wasn’t enough..” She turned towards the door and I called out to her.
“You are enough, more than enough, Jana. That’s why I’m here. I miss you, I’m sorry. I need you.”
She sighed and leaned against the door frame. “I miss you too, Max. More than I miss you when you’re here with me lately. Thank you for the memories and for making me feel beautiful. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” She closed the door so softly I barely heard the click, but I heard the soft thud of her leaning against the door and sliding down.
I sat in that same spot, outside and listened as Jana cried her eyes out. Over me. I should’ve got up and left, gone far the fuck away from the way her tears tore my heart and ripped it to shreds. But I couldn’t move, I was held captive by her pain. Eyes closed, I leaned my head on the door as she cried and cried, barely stopping to catch her breath. Eventually the tears stopped and I stood, frozen and confused. I wanted to force my way in and wrap my arms around her to console her, but I also wanted to flee from the feelings Jana stirred in me. “I’m sorry, Jana.”
And I was. A sorry son of a bitch because everything she said was right on the fucking money. With one last look at her door, I left. With a plan that started and ended with proving Jana wrong.
Chapter 16
Jana
“You have to stop sulking.” Teddy started in as soon as I answered the phone, and I didn’t bother trying to hide the eyeroll she couldn’t see.
“I’m not sulking. I’m working.” That was true, mostly. I did have a lot of work to do because I’d taken on three new clients this week, small businesses that needed my help. And because I was doing my best to ignore the pain in my chest, the constant desire to cry and the face that flashed in my mind at least a million times a day. Work was my jam, where I excelled in life. Work was clean and easy, and everything usually made perfect sense, so I threw myself into it with the intensity of someone who had nothing but her career, working late into the night until I fell in an exhausted heap into bed.
“They aren’t mutually exclusive, Jana.”
I let out a frustrated groan. “Agreed but since I’m not sulking, it’s a moot point.” Besides I was doing a lot more than working. “I’m finishing up my sketches for the art show, smartass.”
She laughed as she always did when I fought back because Teddy was as strange as she was beautiful. “You’re being secretive about it and it’s got me curious.”
“We both know that’s never a good thing,” I told her with a laugh, but the truth was that I did have a reason for keeping quiet on the subject. “I want to ask you something. Feel free to say no. I want to sketch your legs.”
The other line went silent just as I knew it would. Teddy was strong, she was a badass, but she was also insecure as hell about her legs. It was a sore spot for her and asking might change our friendship.
“It’s all right, Teddy. Really. I have a self-portrait as the centerpiece of the collection, titled ‘Beauty & Pain’. If you say no, I’ll do something else.” After hours spent staring at my reflection and thinking about how I’d probably be alone forever, I was emotionally drained. Usually I hated self-portraits because looking into a mirror was at the very bottom of my list of fun activities, but with everything else that had happened, sketching myself had been cleansing and the end result was…good art. “It’s just a sketch, but your legs are fantastic and they would make a great subject.”
“I know friends are supposed to make you feel better, but ‘fantastic’ is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “No, I don’t. They’re beautiful, period. The scar doesn’t take away from that.”
She laughed bitterly. “Too bad you can’t see that when you look in the mirror. But I’m saying yes because I hope you can see the same beauty in your face that you see in my legs.”
I laughed. “Thanks, Teddy. You’re the best.”
“I know. But don’t think I’m standing next to it during the show like some freak show.”
This time I laughed outright because my friend was nuts. “Never. Hell, I’m hoping for a wardrobe dilemma that will make me so late that it’ll be pointless to show up at all.” I wished for it every morning, but Moon had worked hard on this show and I couldn’t let her down. I would be there, awkward and uncomfortable, but there. “Are you calling me to put off your own work?”
“Yes. No. Maybe.” She let out a heavy sigh. “The groom wants fish as part of the theme, Jana. Fish! Dammit, hang on.” The phone went silent but not dead, but after a few minutes I hung up and went back to the sketch I was finishing up until my muscles began to ache. A long bath loosened the muscles but it also created unwanted tension as my thoughts wandered to Max and his poor opinion of me. To Max and waking up with his hands around my throat. I didn’t blame him for t
hat but I did blame him because he was the one who pretended it was all under control when it wasn’t.
I knew my life was out of control when being choked by a man hurt less than knowing that man thought I hunted for biker cock and would hop from the bed of one brother to the other. Even if I had the ability to be that woman, I wouldn’t and the fact that Max didn’t know that, hurt. Then again, he accused me of being someone I’m not, so maybe he was doing the same thing.
I’d always believed that it was better to know what people thought of you up front, but knowing just how low his opinion of me was, considering all that we’d talked about and done together, it hurt like hell. And as an added bonus, it didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t dry my tears faster and it didn’t satisfy the aching, burning sensation in my chest.
That meant, it was time to put on my big girl panties and get back to life as usual.
Chapter 17
Max
“I can’t believe all the shit I said to her. Hearing it back from her and seeing the devastation all over her face, made me feel like a complete asshole.” I’d been in Dr. Singh’s office for more than an hour and we were no closer to any fucking solutions. “Now she won’t talk to me or take my calls. And she hasn’t been in class for two straight weeks. What if she’s not leaving the house, Doc?”
Singh, true to his nature, sat there as calm as could be. His breathing was even and his dark eyes were kind and sympathetic. “We can talk about that, but I’d like to talk about why you said those things to her.”
“Shit, Doc, really?” I raked a hand through my hair and then scrubbed it over my face, letting out a long harsh sigh. “If you ask my brother he’d say I was jealous. Jana probably thinks I’m an asshole. Both of them are probably right.”
“The fact that you’re admitting to having any feelings is progress, Max. When you first came to me all you would say was that you were ‘fine’. Everything was ‘fine’ and you were only here to appease your friend Brandt. This is good.”
Shit, listening to Singh I realized just how much I’d buried my head in the sand. “Shit. What you’re saying is that it’s my fault I’m still having these nightmares.” It wasn’t a question because I knew the answer, I could see it clearly now. I came here every week, talked about shit, but never tried to fix anything.
“No. I’m saying that war is the reason you’re still having nightmares. You are the reason they haven’t lessened in intensity.” His words were said in a kind, almost bland way, but that didn’t take the sting out of the sentiment. “Are you willing to try another form of therapy or maybe medicine?”
“Not meds,” I barked out. “I don’t want to be a fucking zombie, Doc. I need to be myself, to be able to function. Anything but drugs.”
“Anything?”
The challenge in his question had me on edge but I nodded anyway. “Yeah, anything.” With a wide smile, Dr. Singh told me about several alternative treatments, explaining the benefits and drawbacks of each one. There was so much fucking information my head began to swim. “Now you’re making me wish I chose the drugs.”
He laughed and shook his head. “If you’re that against the drugs, we’ll stay away from them. There are plenty of other options to explore first.” He scribbled out some shit on a pad of paper and handed it to me. “Call this number and set up an appointment.”
I gave the paper a skeptical look but nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”
“Max, the important thing is that you’re dedicated to lessening the effects of your PTSD.”
I heard what he said and nodded again. “Got it. Thanks.” After shaking his hand, I hopped on my bike and drove away from the short brick building. Home was my destination but I took the route in the opposite direction just to check on Jana, but her car was parked in the same spot it had been for the past week so I drove by and made my way home.
Leaving her alone was probably the best thing I could do for her, but I couldn’t do that. Jana had crawled under my skin, she’d gotten to me in a way no one ever had. Hell, in a way I didn’t think anyone even could. I knew I had to make this right, but I had no fucking clue how. And worse, I had no clue where to even begin looking for an answer.
Inside the house I found Tate lying on the sofa and staring up at the ceiling. “Find any answers up there? Because I could use a few myself.”
His mouth curved up but he didn’t move otherwise. “Bad day with the head shrink?”
“The opposite, actually. The problem is I need more than an apology to get Jana fucking talking to me again.” I dropped down on the chair and crossed my legs on the old coffee table, wishing I’d stopped by the kitchen for a beer first. “She was right about a lot of the shit she said and I’m working on it, but…,” shit I didn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Pathetic.
“But working on it isn’t good enough when you consider all the shit you threw at her?” His lips twitched with amusement.
“Yeah, basically. You don’t have to enjoy this so much, you know.”
He sat up and shrugged. “I don’t have to, but it’s a nice change of pace, seeing you out of sorts. Growing up you were always so damn unflappable, cool under pressure. And now a tiny wisp of a thing is twisting you in knots.” His smile changed from amused to wistful. “It’s not such a bad thing.”
“Having it and losing it though, fucking sucks.” And I just couldn’t fucking live with the idea of not seeing Jana again, not holding her or kissing her. Never hearing that sexy, husky laugh that always sent a shot of lust straight through me. “Got any advice? Useful advice,” I added when he opened his mouth, closed it and smiled.
“Yeah, go big.”
“What the hell does that mean? An engagement ring? An expensive trip?” I didn’t make an effort with women, especially outside the bedroom. They were guaranteed a good time, at least one incredible orgasm before I got mine and that was it. “Why isn’t an apology enough?”
“Because you said terrible shit to her. Do you think I should take the state of Nevada’s apology and forego making them pay for stealing six fucking years from me?”
“You know I don’t. Those fuckers messed up and they have all the power, I hope you get their fucking pensions!”
“And Jana deserves less?” He must’ve seen something pathetic in my eyes because his anger deflated. “You need a big ass gesture to prove to Jana that you’re not just sorry but willing to go to extremes to make sure you know how bad you fucked up.”
That made a twisted kind of sense. “So, make a fool of myself?”
Tate laughed and raked a hand through his hair. “That always helps, but somehow I don’t think that’s what Jana would want you to do. Find something that matters and show her how you feel about her. If you know, that is.”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tate stood and shrugged, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with two bottles of beer. “It means if you don’t love her, you probably shouldn’t bother.”
Shit. “Why is it always about love?” I liked Jana, a lot. I had other feelings that were more than like but they didn’t seem big enough to be love. How the fuck should I know what love is? Other than familial love, for my family and my brothers in arms, I had no idea.
“Because, big brother, love makes the world go round. Or so they say. Personally though, you love her and you don’t want to be without her, so why deny it?”
Why the fuck, indeed. Love was a big word, a really big one. It was important, all-consuming. Life-changing. “I need to think about this shit. Thanks,” I told him and took my beer to my room so I could dig deep into the dark recesses of my mind and figure out if I deserved the kind of light Jana brought with her.
Chapter 18
Jana
Standing in front of my closet in nothing but my lingerie and a robe, I bit my lip and looked at my limited options. Tonight was the art show and my nerves were so frazzled, I felt moments away from a panic attack. I left my phone in the living
room just to make sure I didn’t call Moon and bail at the last minute. I was really, really tempted.
But in the spirit of big girl panties—black lace, tonight—I stood and stared for something appropriate yet modest, and most important of all, inconspicuous. All of my dress clothes were professional which meant pencil and A-line skirts, and button up shirts and silky blouses. Basically, it was boring as hell. Boring was my jam because it didn’t draw too much attention. Black seemed to be the best option so I pulled out a black skirt and a long sleeved black lace shirt with a black cami underneath. Black on black was perfect and with a reluctant sigh I set it on the bed.
The bell rang and I groaned because it meant I was running out of time. Teddy was here. Tightening the sash on my robe, I practically marched to the front door and yanked it open. “You’re early.”
She flashed a grin and breezed right on in, ignoring the scowl on my face. “I know. I had a feeling you might be dragging your ass, and I come bearing gifts!” Teddy’s laugh was contagious and it worked to alleviate some of my nerves.
Not all, but some. “Gifts, you say? I hope there’s a bottle in one of those bag,” I told her nodding towards the garment bag and her tiny sparkly clutch.
“No bottle, but something better.” Perfectly sculpted auburn brows wiggled and she turned on her red stilettos and headed to my bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“You think this bag is for my health? Get your butt in here.”
I hesitated for just a moment because Teddy couldn’t be put off long. She dealt with difficult clients, no difficult brides, for a living and could out last my stubbornness. She was pulling the zipper on the garment bag when I entered the room with a groan. “You got me clothes? I thought we were friends, Theodora.”
Her blue eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re lucky I love you or you’d be dead right now.” She kept her face in a scowl but I saw her lips twitch in amusement moments before she burst out laughing. “Anyway, I have a little black dress just for you, honey.”