by Leil Lowndes
Hunters, Make the First Move . . . Fast Gentlemen, what are the right moves when you spot a woman you think you'd like to make part of your future? No argument here. You must approach, and you must do it fast. The old chestnut "He who hesitates is lost" is a rock-hard nut in the singles'
jungle.
Once a male buddy (a PMF , or platonic male friend, as we called nonromantic male friends in high school) and I were dining at a restaurant. My , Phil, spotted a strikingly beautiful woman sitting PMF
alone at the bar behind him. He turned back to me and announced, "That's the woman I'm going to marry!"
"Congratulations. So how do you intend to go about meeting her?" I challenged.
"Let's see," he mused. "Perhaps I'll just go up to her and say hello. No," he decided. "That's too mundane for my future bride. Maybe I'll go offer to buy her a drink. No, that's too trite. Possibly,'
he joked, "I'll go tell her I'm passionately in love with her. No, that's too forward. Shall I tell her I want to make her the mother of my children? No, that's premature."
While Phil was bantering on about his approach, I watched over his shoulder as a good-looking man marched right up to Phil's intended and sat on the empty stool next to her. By the time my friend turned around, the newcomer and Phil's never-to-be bride were in deep conversation. "Love at first sight"
became Phil's "loss at first sight." As it usually does for a Hunter who hesitates.
When you spot an attractive lady, what's the best strategy? Let your body do the talking. First, use your eyes. Look at her and hold your eye contact for a few extra seconds. Be prepared for her to look away. A woman has been trained to lower her eyes when a man looks at her.This does not mean she is not interested . An analysis of flirtation patterns tells us if, after looking away, the woman looks up again within 45 seconds, she welcomes your attention.
Gentlemen, set your chronograph. As she coyly feigns interest in something else in the room, clock how long it takes for
Page 47
her to glance back at you. If it's within 45 seconds, proceed as follows.
Smile at her and give her a little nod. Think of it as making a reservation for a table at an exclusive restaurant. When you've signaled a woman's attention, you've made your reservation to talk with her.
Abolish all thoughts of "What will she think of me if I'm too forward or move too fast?" She won't think anything of you—good or bad—if you don't meet her.
If you don't move fast, every woman will be the one that got away.
TECHNIQUE #7 (FOR HUNTERS):
MOVE FAST
"Move fast" doesn't mean making a beeline for your Quarry and jumping her bones. It simply means immediately making your presence known by signaling your interest. Here's the best proved method.
Make eye contact . Maint ain steady eye contact with her and hold it just a tad too long.
Smile at her. Make sure your smile is friendly and respectful, not a leering grin or a salacious smirk.
Give her a nod . If she returns your gaze within the decisive 45 seconds, nod slightly. The nod reads, "I like you. May I make a reservation to talk with you?"
Move within her range. The final step is to move close enough to her to talk.
You are now in position for conversation. What should you first say to her? Abolish the words opening line from your thoughts. Generic lines come across just like that—lines. After my love seminars, many a shy Hunter has asked me, "What's a good opening line?" I find it charming that men ponder such dilemmas.
Page 48
Once an extremely shy chap attending my seminar pulled a dog-eared book out of his pocket called How to Pick up Girls . Apparently he wasn't the first to seek such guidance. The book is twenty-five years old and has sold over two million copies, primarily through advertising in men's magazines. It suggests antique gems like, "Don't tell me a beautiful girl like you doesn't have a date tonight" and "Are you a model?" This scintillating repartee may have worked when Dad met Mom, but in our more enlightened times, women abhor lines. Far more significant than what you say is how you look and how you saywhatever you say.
Gentlemen, your opening words should relate to the woman or the current situation. Ask her what time it is. Compliment her watch or her outfit. Ask her for directions. Inquire how she knows the host or hostess of the party. In fact, the less clever your opener, the better, because this early in your relationship, she's not metabolizing your words—she's checking you out.
Her brain is hard at work sizing you up on your manner and your words. Whatever you say, sheknows it's just an excuse for you to talk to her. If she likes you, that's fine with her.
Although you should not memorize any lined,opay attention to the first words which flow from your lips.
Just as the first glimpse of you should please your Quarry's eyes, so should your first words delight her ears. Remember, that first sentence to your Quarry is 100 percent of her sampling of you so far. If you open with a complaint, in her book you'll be a complainer. If you open with a conceited remark, she'll label you a braggart. But if your first words charm her, she'll find you charming.
Gentlemen, you may be wondering why you have to play it cool. Why do you have to be so subtle, controlled, and precise in your approach? It all goes back to nature. Buried deep in a woman's instincts, when she looks at you, is a subconscious judgment of you as a possible partner. She wants to feel you are captivated by her. But she also wants to know that you can
Page 49
control your animal passion, thus demonstrating what a suave and effective partner you would be in life.
Huntresses, Make the Fast Move . . . First Huntresses, you may think the responsibility for the pickup rests on the man's shoulders. Surprisingly enough, though, research shows that women initiate two-thirds of all encounters.
This, too, is part of nature's grand design. In the animal kingdom, wannabe-lovers attract each other by hooting, crowing, or stomping the ground. They are more overt than Homo sapiens are. A female chimpanzee in heat will spot her Quarry, "stroll up to the male, and tip her buttocks toward his nose to get his attention. Then she'll actually pull him up to his feet to copula2te0."This behavior is known as female proceptivity . Female proceptivity (as opposed to receptivity ) is not unknown to our species, although we are, I should hope, a little less obvious.
How do women initiate encounters? The same way kids do. The same way the birds, the bees, and all the wonderful animals in God's kingdom do: with an attention-getting device.
Ladies, let's say you behold Mr. Handsome Stranger dancing at the disco, seated across the table from you at the Senior Center, or huffing and puffing on the next StairMaster at the gym. What should you do?
The usual scenario goes something like this. Upon spotting him, a woman locks eyes with him for a split second and then glances away. More courageous women flash a little smile and then look away, hoping that he will then take the initiative (after all, she doesn't want to appear forward).
As fifty thousand tiny seeds blow from a flower and only one takes root, your chances at love might as well be one in fifty thousand with Mr. Handsome Stranger if this is your entire attack. You must do more than just flash a little smile and leave the rest to nature.
Page 50
First Moves That Work for Women
Let's look at the studies and see what works . A researcher named Monica Moore heard that women made two-thirds of the approaches and wanted to find out exactly how they did so. She set up a study where she observed more than two hundred women at a party and recorded what are scientifically known as theinronverbal solicitation signals .
Here, in descending order, are the results of Monica Moore's findings. The number following each move is the number of times Moore saw it work successfully during the experime2n1t.Need I spell it out? Huntresses, these are the moves that make a man come over and talk to you at a party.
HOW WOMEN SUCCESSFULLY MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE Smile at him broadly 511 Throw him a s
hort, darting glance 253 Dance alone to the music 253 Look straight at him and flip your hair 139 Keep a fixed gaze on him 117 Look at him, toss your head, then look back 102 "Accidentally" brush up against him 96 Nod your head at him 66 Point to a chair and invite him to sit 62 Tilt your head and touch your exposed neck 58 Lick your lips during eye contact 48 Primp while keeping eye contact with him 46 Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement 41
Parade close to him with exaggerated hip movement 41 Ask for his help with something 34 Tap something to get his attention 8 Pat his buttocks (My note: not advised!) 8
Sisters, do not be hesitant about making the first move. If you need more courage, think of it this way.
Female choice is an evolutionary mandate given to a woman so she may select the best mate and thus assure the survival of the species. You Page 51
are merely fulfilling your instinctive destiny when you overtly lure Mr. Handsome Stranger. Mother Nature would approve.
Still shy? Do you feel he'll think you are too forward if you smile broadly at him in the crowd or
"accidentally" brush up against him? He won't, because, happily, the male ego takes over . . .
retroactively. Ten minutes later, he won't even realize that he was not the one who made the initial overture.
Researcher Moore said that men think they are making the first move when they are actually responding to women's nonverbal overtures.
I decided to add my own research to Monica Moore's established findings when I was dining alone recently at one of the ubiquitous TGIF restaurants in Albany, New York. I was giving a talk the following morning to a singles' group, so as I was finishing dinner, I was running the next day's seminar program over in my mind. In my talk, I planned a segment on the "smile,"
in which I would tell women how important it is to smile at an attractive man.
I thought to myself, "Leil, you hypocrite. Tomorrow morning you'll be telling women to have the courage to smile at strangers, and you don't even have the nerve to do it yourself." While ruminating over this, I spotted a good-looking man reading while finishing his dinner a few tables from me. I thought, "OK, Leil, courage. Let's try it." So I smiled at this handsome stranger.
The poor chap looked a little stunned and dove his astonished nose back into his book. Soon after, he looked up again. I smiled again. Once more his nose disappeared in his reading material. A few minutes later, the handsome stranger got up and walked past my table to go to the men's room. As he passed, I forced myself to smile yet again. The perplexed fellow kept on walking, scratching his head.
Then things got interesting. On the way back from the men's room, he walked very slowly by my table.
Once more I looked up at him and—you guessed it—
smiled. Mr. Handsome Stranger stopped walking.
After the flood of smiles I'd drowned him in, it was perfectly logical to start chatting as if we had been formally introduced. He joined me at my table for coffee.
Page 52
Well, I invited this gentleman—his name was Sam—
to attend my seminar the next morning, which he did. To illustrate the "smile" part of my seminar, I told the audience the story (without revealing Sam's identity, of course) of how my smile had engineered a meeting with the lone diner.
After the seminar, Sam said, "You know, Leil, I suppose you were talking about me in that little story you told. But," he added, looking thoroughly confused and quite sincere, "I thought it wIas who made the approach to you." Sure, Sam.
I tell you, Sisters, the male ego is a wondrous thing.
Have the courage to smile broadly, nod, point to a chair, and invite him to sit—or choose almost any of Monica Moore's maneuvers—and he will forget that he didn't make the first approach.
TECHNIQUE #8 (FOR HUNTRESSES):
MOVE FIRST
Huntresses, when you spot a possible Quarry, do not wait for his approach. Nature decrees that youmust make the first move. Use any of the proved ploys. It's as close to jabbing his buttocks with a syringe filled with
PEA as you can get.
9
Let Your Body Do the Talking
Page 53
Science documents that the early body language of both partners is crucial to whether love will develop or not. One of the most tireless researchers in the laboratory of love was Dr. Timothy Perper, who spent more than two thousand grueling hours perched on stools of singles' bars, scrutinizing men, women, and their early courting moves.
Like researchers tracking the mating habits of hamsters, Dr. Perper spotted the identical courtship pattern repeatedly in his singles' bar laboratory. Night after night, he stayed resolutely at his post, scribbling notations, devising charts, and hypothesizing formulas as men and women picked each other up.
Then, in the finest scientific tradition, he broke the body language pattern of couples getting to know each other into five very specific steps.
Dr. Perper's findings reveal that when both partners stuck to a precise sequence of moves, the couple wound up leaving together or making a date.
However, if either partner broke the sequence—even accidentally—the couple drifted apart.
Many people looking for love take lessons in social dancing hoping to meet a Potential Love Partner.
They painstak-
Page 54
ingly learn the steps to the fox trot, the waltz, the cha-cha, and the rhumba. But they fall flat on their faces in the most important dance of all, the one the good doctor dubbedthe Dance of Intimacy .
What are the steps to the Dance of Intimacy? They are as clear and as carefully choreographed as those of the Tennessee Waltz. They are the sequential movements youmust make if intimacy is to develop with your . Pay attention to each of the following five subconscious body language steps PLP
because, if you slip on any of them, your Quarry will lose interest and wander back into the singles' jungle.
The Dance of Intimacy
Step One: Nonverbal Signal After the two partners are within speaking range, one or the other makes his or her presence known (as described in the previous chapter) by a smile, a nod, or a glance.
Step Two: Talk One of the two then speaks. Perhaps he or she makes a comment or asks a question. Even a simple ''Hi!" will do, but something verbal takes place.
Step Three: Turning Now it gets interesting. When one partner throws out the verbal signal, the recipientmust turn at least the head fully toward the speaker and acknowledge the comment receptively. If he or she does not, the Hunter seldom tries again.
However, if the partnerdoesturn warmly toward the speaker, they fall into conversation. Then a crucial pivoting takes place. Hunter and Quarry gradually switch from just their heads turned toward each other to their shoulders. If they like each other, their torsos soon turn, followed by their knees. Finally, in successful meetings, their whole bodies wind up facing each other.
This head-to-head, belly-to-belly, knees-to-knees gradual sequence can take from minutes to hours.
With each increas-
Page 55
ing turn, intimacy increases. With each turn away, intimacy decreases.
Step Four: Touching Concomitant with talking and gradually turning toward each other comes a powerful aphrodisiac, touch. A slight brush of his hand while he passes you a pretzel. A light touch on your jacket as she whisks away a piece of lint. The touch is fleeting, almost imperceptible.
How you respond to his or her first touch is a big factor in whether the interaction continues or not. If he or she brushes your jacket and you slightly stiffen your shoulders, your partner can subliminally interpret this as rejection—often wrongly. But it 's too late.
At this point in the progression, Dr. Perper tells us, it becomes impossible to tell which is Hunter and which is Quarry. Once the initial touch has been executed, well received, and even returned, the man and woman are on their way to becoming, at least for the duration of the evening, a couple.
At about this point,
yet another phenomenon takes place. Eye contact takes on a different character. As early as 1977, a researcher observed escalating eye contact in couples as they went from more formal eye contact to gazing. Their eyes gradually embarked on travels all over each other's faces, hair, necks, shoulders, and torsos.22 This is the visual voyage we talked about earlier.
Step Five: Synchronization The final step is the most fascinating to watch. As though to confirm their newfound affection for each other, the couple begins to move in synchronicity with each other.
For example, the man and woman may reach for their drinks at the same time and put their glasses back on the table together. Then they progress to subconsciously shifting weight together, swaying to the music together, turning their heads to some outside interruption together, and then simultaneously looking back at each other.
Page 56
Dr. Perper wrote, ' Once synchronized, couples can stay in synchronicity seemingly indefinitely until the bar closes, until they finish dinner and drinks and must leave, until their train reaches wherever it is going; to put it another way, until the business of the outside world intervenes and causes their interaction to stop."23 However, if either partner tripped up on even just one of the above five steps (for example, not getting in synchronicity with each other), Timothy Perper and his research
associa tes knew they could start humming the couple's swan song.
Recently, I had the pleasure of watching a couple who were obviously very much in love. I was dining in a restaurant at a table facing the bar where a young couple was sitting. Their bodies were completely facing each other, and they were leaning toward each other, practically falling off their stools. They smiled and nodded as each crooned out bits of conversation.
Their hands occasionally brushed each other's and their movements were in total synchronicity as they lifted their glasses and returned them to the bar. They laughed together. They frowned together. Except for the moments when an outside noise invaded their private world, they maintained total eye contact.
Even then, they turned their heads away and looked back toward each other in unison. People would say they're in love.