I glare at Dorris. "Get that thing out of here," I hissed.
"W-what should I do with it?" She stutters.
"I don’t care! Keep it, give it to charity, sell it, burn it! I don't care what you do with it, just get it out of my sight!" I snap.
"Yes, sir." She takes the kit and walks out of the office, slamming the door on her way out.
I walk to my silver mini-fridge. On top of it I have my whiskey jar. I grab a cup and pour it all the way to the top. I drink every last drop of the burning liquid without missing a beat, even when some of the liquor spills from the corner of my lips. I hold the cup in my hand and just stare at it. I can still hear his voice no matter how hard I try to block it out.
Daddy!
If there’s a heaven… he’s part of it.
I know you may not feel like you're okay, but you are.
No, I'm not okay. You hate me, Katherine. You no longer love me the way you used to because I destroyed our family.
I have two amazing kids, you and a beautiful home.
Everything she had, everything we had that made us happy is now falling apart. Our family, our home, our marriage. Us. Everything that she and I went through is now evaporating, it's disappearing. It's being replaced by yelling, by tears, by fights. It's gone.
My hand grips the glass and in less than a second the glass impacts the other side of the room, shattering into thousands of crystals. I grip my hair as my breathing begins to accelerate, my heart hammers my chest. My breaths come shorter and my chest hurts each time I try to breathe. I can feel my own sanity slipping through my fingers. I grab a bottle of water and drink to the last drop and throw the bottle on the floor.
I walk back to my desk and open the bottom drawer where I hid the picture of my family. My three angels... one of them no longer here with us because of me. Because of me. I have no strength left to be mad. I’m exhausted. I grab the picture and let myself fall on my chair.
It's a picture Katherine took of them watching a movie while I was out on tour. They're on the couch, he had his little face pressed against hers, making kissing faces to the camera and Elizabeth is lying on her chest. They looked happy. They used to be happy.
I grip the picture and press it against my chest, and I cry. I cry again, something I haven't done in a while. Not since the night I lost my temper and flipped the coffee table, hurting the only person I vowed I would protect. That night was the night I realized everything was not okay and it’s going to take so much more than just my love for Katherine to make things right. I lay my head against my desk and pull the picture to my chest. My body shakes with my sobbing and whimpering.
He would have been five today.
* * *
I run in Elizabeth's room. Her crying called me the moment I walked through the front door. I rush to her crib and take her in my arms. She must have just woken up from her nap. I laid her head on my shoulder and softly pat her back, humming her lullaby I wrote for her that helps to calm her down.
"Lizzie!" Kathy runs in the room and stops right at the door when she sees me. "Aidan, I didn't hear when you came in."
"I just got home but I heard her crying," I said. "Was she taking a nap?"
“Yes…” She tilts her head to a side like she’s examining me. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, why?"
She walks to me slowly.
"You look like you have been crying." She stops right in front of me and for the first time in days, she reaches out and strokes my cheek. I let out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding in. I’ve missed her touch. "It's okay to cry," she whispers. I'm not even going to deny it. “I cried, too.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek. Her eyes well up with tears when she pulls away. "Are you going to get ready or do you want to go like that?"
"Go where?"
"You don't remember?" I shake my head. "I told you that Anna and John wanted to go visit him for his birthday. We're going as well as Alex and Leila."
Oh, I forgot.
"What time?"
"I was just about to call you. They're already on their way," she answers.
"Man, I'm sorry, baby. I can't go," I lie, giving her an apologetic smile. Of course I can go, but an asshole like me does not want to go back to that place. "I have a lot of work, my workers messed up some contracts and the numbers came out wrong and I'm the one who has to fix it now."
"Can’t you do it when we come back?"
"It's something that needs to be taken care of immediately," I lie, again. I kiss her forehead and step back, avoiding eye contact. "I wish I could. I will go later some other day when I'm not busy." I'm a lying bastard. Lie about work just because I can't go back there. I can't even go in that room. "You go, okay?" I give Elizabeth to her.
It kills me on the inside to see the disappointment in her eyes. I would do anything for her. I would take the fall, take the bullet, walk through the Sahara desert, walk to the end of the world for her… but I can’t go back there.
"Okay, I'm leaving now." She gives me a quick peck on the lips and leaves with Elizabeth.
I stood there waiting until I heard the front door shut. I watch her leave through the window until her car disappears off in the distance. Once she's gone, I'm all alone.
I don't know how much time goes by that I'm sitting on my reclining chair looking off into the silent space in my house. It's so silent. It's cold. The TV is not even an option, neither is anything these days. I sit there in the middle of my living room, watching the rays of the sun disappear from the wall and leaving me in complete darkness. Should I have gone with them? Should I have gone back to the cemetery? No, I should not. I'm good here alone in my house. Alone.
I get another glass of whiskey, drinking it to the last drop. I really need to get more, if not, I'll go crazy. Fuck, I might already have.
What seemed like an eternity and two glasses of whiskey later, I find myself wondering in front of my piano. I have not touched this thing in a long time. I have not touched any instrument in a very long time.
I leave my glass on top of the piano and pay with the keys. High and low. Low and High. White and black, black and white It really just sounds like noise to me. I look at the sheets in front of me from a song I never finished. Maybe right now is a good time to finally finish it. In the beginning, everything seemed normal in the soft melody I’m playing. It runs smoothly and I think I even feel a little chill until the sudden low note hits and I stop. That was not part of the melody. I shake it off and start playing the lullaby from the beginning. Again, it flows perfectly until I make another mistake. I try to play a lullaby I know better than anything else I know and it happens… a mistake.
No, I never make mistakes. I wrote this lullaby for Kathy. I know it better than myself.
I play and play and play but in the end I always make a mistake. It was the wrong tempo, the wrong note, or something simply didn’t fit in. I make mistake after mistake almost like I've never played it before. I can't take it. I stand up and in a split second all my papers and sheets are flying across the room. I growl kicking the stool back, grabbing my glass that still has some whiskey in it and throwing it against the wall. I'm blinded with rage. I throw everything that's within my reach like a wild animal, destroying everything in my path until a pair of arms push me to the ground.
"Aidan, stop!" Dad shouts. I drop on my back breathless and close my eyes. When did he get here? "Aidan, what the hell is going on?"
I don't respond. I lay there motionless and breathing heavily through my nose. My back aches and my hands burn. Dad never liked being left without an answer, so he takes my arm and pulls me up to a sitting position. He sits on the floor right in front of me, crossing his arms over his knees.
"Aidan," he says, "your situation with Katherine and with yourself can’t go on like this anymore. This living situation cannot continue like this any longer."
Like I don’t know that. Like I haven't spent all day thinking of all the reasons why my family is falling apart.
&n
bsp; "Where is she?" I ask.
"She was heading home after we left the cemetery, but I told her to go with your mother and have dinner there while I came to pick you up. I'm glad I didn't let her come home. I don't think she would handle seeing you like this.” He takes a short breath. "What happened, Aidan?"
"Are you seriously asking me what happened?" I rub my jaw, sighing in frustration. "I'll tell you what happened, Dad. My fucking kid is dead. He would have been five today if it hadn't been for me. We should have had a birthday party here instead of having you go to the cemetery to leave flowers on a piece of rock that has his name on it," I snap. "I put his name right there!"
"Don't be an idiot, Aidan, because that is not who I raised you to be. You cannot go on in life blaming yourself for something that was not your fault." He sighs in frustration and stands up. He looks mad, even just as frustrated as I am. "For Pete’s sake, Aidan, look at yourself for once! You don’t look anything like yourself. You look hateful. You look like you hate everything that is around you!"
"I do hate everything that is around me!" I yell. "I hate everything because everything that was once good in my life is now shit, it doesn't matter anymore!" I stand up and start kicking the notebooks around. "This office, this goddamn house, my job!"
"Katherine," he said. "Elizabeth. Do they not matter any- more, Aidan? Do you hate them too?"
I would punch him right now if it wasn’t for the fact that he is my father. There is no way in hell they would not matter to me, they are my entire world. I lean against the wall and looked down at my feet, too ashamed to look at him in the eyes.
"Aidan, I can’t say I know what you’re going through. I can just imagine what it feels like and it doesn’t even come close. This is your family and if you do not fix this situation right now, you will end up losing more than what you already have," he states. "This is not you. All this drinking, all these fights, all this hate is consuming you, it's pushing you down." He takes a seat on the small bench. "Ever since you were a young boy you did things on your own. Faced a challenge? You did it on your own. Every time something tried to push you down till the point where you felt like you were losing, you pushed back with twice the strength," he said, his jaw was tight. Obviously holding back his own anger. "You got up every single time, Aidan, and that only grew from the moment you met Katherine. You had a purpose. That man was my son. That man was the father of that little boy you lost. The father of that little girl that needs you. That man was the man Katherine fell in love with and she wants him back.
"Life made its part by pushing you down into oblivion and instead of fighting back, you're still on the ground. It's time to push back, son, because if you don't, one day you'll come home and that beautiful family of yours will not be here and you'll be alone. Think about that."
I hate to admit it, but my father is right. He's always right. No one can be as wise as my old man and this is a great example. I don't want to destroy my family, I don't want to be this person anymore, but I don't know what to do. Everything just seems so dark sometimes and I'm still blinded. How can I take the blindfold off if my hands are still tied?
Chapter Twenty-One
Aidan
I watch the cars pass by from my front porch as the sun rose from the horizon. I couldn't sleep, it was impossible to keep my eyes closed. My mind is overwhelmed with so many thoughts I don't even know what I was thinking exactly. So instead of sleeping, I watched my wife sleep beside me. She lays on her side facing me with her hair fanned out on the pillow. My eyes were concentrated on her face, her peaceful face. That peace was only visible when she’s asleep, that peace I first witnessed the first night she spent in my dorm. I used to love that even when we were not in the best conditions of our relationship, she never gave me her back. Not even when she slept. Sometimes she would hug me, pressing herself against me after we had sex but the best part is watching her and see how relaxed and young she looks. It’s a beautiful image. An image I don’t think I’m worthy of.
Katherine is with Elizabeth on her swing chair. She looks at me when I walk in and smiles, getting off the floor and walks up to me. I leaned down and kissed her… while we’re not fully okay, this was the closest we got to how it was before.
"I'll make breakfast while you shower, okay?" I just nod and watch her walk back to the kitchen, tightening her robe around her waist.
I make sure to lock my office door before I take a shower. I don't want Katherine to see it because I haven't bothered to clean the mess I made and there is no excuse I could make up for it. I lost my shit, simple as that. After Dad left last night all I could think about was what he said. I know it cannot keep going like this anymore, I just don't know how to stop it.
I get ready for the day and have breakfast with Elizabeth and Katherine. When I asked her what she has planned for the day, she said, "Leila and Jessie are coming over today for a girls’ day. Nothing special." After we are done, she walks me to my car and kisses me goodbye. I’m not surprised that my office is clean after my little scene yesterday. Dorris aside from always being my right hand has always been a friend and not one I deserve. The day goes by like any other. Work seems to have no end and everything I try to do is wrong. No matter how hard I try to concentrate, listen to every person that tries to talk to me or read what is placed in front of me, I can’t get out of my head. My head is spinning with thoughts, getting tighter and tighter the deeper I get into them and they all center around one thing: my family. Is there any chance I can get back the life I had before it went downhill? Is there any possibility, no matter how remote, that we can be as happy as we were before?
Later in the afternoon, I’m heading to the conference room for my last meeting before going home when Leila storms in my office with a look I’ve never seen before. She’s furious.
“What did you do to her?” Her loud entrance calls the attention of everyone around us. "What did you do to her? What the fuck did you do to her?" She pushes me against the register.
"Leila, calm down. What are you talking about?" I ask, placing my hands on her shoulders, but she shoves me away again and slaps me hard.
"You bastard. You bastard, how could you do that to her?" She cries. "Katherine doesn't deserve this!"
"What are you talking about?!" I yell back. I know my conduct has not been the best, I know I’m a major fuck up, but none of this is reason enough for her to come to my office like this, let alone slap me in front of my entire staff. Did Katherine tell her what I said the other night?
"About the bruises! The goddamn bruises she has on her wrist! What did you do to her?"
"What bruises?" What the fuck is she talking about?
"Don't act like you don't know, Aidan, because you do," Leila hissed. "Katherine said it was nothing, but I’m not stupid. What have you been doing to her?"
I snap when I realize what she’s trying to imply. She implies that I hurt my wife physically which is something I would never do. I’d cut off my own arm myself before I ever lay a hand on Katherine. I may have lost my mind, but I am not a monster. It has come to this point where she actually believes I’d do something like that.
"How dare you accuse me of that? I would never lay a hand on my wife!" I yell straight at her face. "She's all I have, why the fuck will I do such a thing?"
"Then why are you drowning yourself in alcohol!" She yells back, her face turning a deep shade of red. She takes a step back and begins to take a deep breath. "I'm not dealing with this shit. I'll have your brother deal with you." She turned around and stormed out of the lobby.
I can't believe what just happened right now. I expected anything that might have set her off. My drinking, yes; my outbursts, yes; not going to the cemetery last night, maybe, but not that. I have to go home and see for myself what she meant. I need to know what Katherine has been keeping from me. Christ… what have I done to her?
"Cancel all my meetings," I tell Dorris. "I'm going home."
I drive over the speed limit, ignoring al
l danger signs with one goal in mind. I need to get home and see if what Leila said is true. How could I have done those bruises? I've never touched her that way. I would never lay a hand on her. I know I’ve messed up more than once and I know by now Katherine would be considered a saint for giving me as many chances as she has, chances I know I don’t deserve. But I am not a monster… am I?
When I get home, I find Katherine working on her laptop on the couch. She’s typing madly, her brows scrunched together, lips pressed in a fine line. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her write since anything has inspired her to sit down and write on her laptop. What could possibly inspire her now? She looks up when I walk in and looks back down at her computer, then back at me.
"Aidan." She sets her laptop to the side and sits up. "You're home early, are you okay?"
"No-I don't know. I just... I don't want to fight, Katherine, okay?" Katherine is confused. I walk up to her and knelt down in front of her, taking her hand in mine. "Show me," I said.
She tilts her head to the side, confusion taking over until reality sets in and her eyes widen. "Aidan, no." She tries to pull her arm from my grip. "It's okay, Aidan, really."
"Please, show me," I beg her. "No fighting, just show me, okay? I need to see it."
Her eyes beg me not to do this, but I need to see it for myself. I need to know how far this has gone. Once she realizes I won't back out of it, she nods and tugs her arm out of my grasp. I watch her as she rolls up her sleeve above the elbow. The skin around her wrist is tainted with purplish bruises. They’re fading, but they're enough to make my blood boil. I wrap my hand around her wrist as my heart hammers my chest. I place each finger over each bruise carefully, only to confirm my worst fear…
How did I not see this?
"I did this to you.” I can't believe I never realized the pain I was causing her, not only emotional but physical. This is the perfect example. I pulled a Lennie.
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