She pulls her hand from my grasp. "Aidan-"
"Don't.” I stop her right before she has the chance to say anything. "Don't say it's okay because it's not." I get off the floor and walk away from her.
"I'm fine, Aidan."
“Fine? Katherine, Leila thought I hurt you! That's not fine.” I tug at my hair to the point I’m pulling it from the roots. The pain and my emotions are getting the better of me. I feel on the verge of insanity. I kick the new coffee table and sit on the couch. "How did I not see this?" I yell.
She looks down at her hands, ashamed. It only made it worse because she shouldn't be the one feeling shame, it should be me and I am. I hurt what means the most to me in my life and the worst part is that she is still here...
"I thought I was strong," she whispered, low enough for me to hear. "I thought I was enough to make your pain go away. All this time, I thought that at some point things were going to go back to normal." She paused and looked back at me. She didn't look at me long enough before she looked away. "You're right, I didn't tell you. I let this go too far. It's on me."
Why? Why is she still blaming this on herself? It angers me because both of us know that the one to blame here is me. It has always been me.
"There are days where I think that perhaps... We moved too fast."
That sentence made my head snap back up. "Do you regret being with me?"
"No, Aidan, never," she said with urgency in her voice. As if she was trying to prevent a wild animal from going crazy. “I just feel that if we hadn't moved on so soon, perhaps experienced more before having our children, things would have been different. We need to move on, Aidan, we are stuck.” Her voice cracks at the end of her sentence and her lip quivers. "I can't do this by myself anymore. I can't. I lost my baby too. I needed you but I knew you needed me more and I thought I was enough for you. I thought I was enough to make the pain go away."
I can’t look at her because I know what I’ll see. I’ll see the aftermath of my devastation. I am the cause for all the pain she feels. Everything we’ve worked so hard to build started to shatter around us and there was no way we could stop it. For once, I finally realized that maybe even our love wasn’t strong enough to survive this. I'm not okay, she's not okay, our family certainly isn’t and I don't know if we will ever be again. I’m not aware she moves until I feel her kneel in front of me. Her eyes are red and swollen with tears. I cup her face between my hands and leaned my forehead against hers.
All I want to do is beg her to forgive me. All I want at this moment is for things to be like they used to be. She tilts my head up with her thumb under my chin and kisses me once.
"I love you," she sobs against my lips. Her words were not a statement, she had something else to say and she did. "But I can't keep doing this on my own, not when you don't want to be helped. There's only so much I can do." She closed her eyes and more tears trail down her cheeks. She looks at me and wipes my tears away with her thumb. "I did my best."
My body shakes as the words fall from her lips. This is it. I close my eyes and with our hands joined, I cry. Katherine cries too. She lays her head on my lap and I circle her body with my arms, trying to hold onto her and never let her go, hoping that with a simple touch it can all go back to what it was. Wishing it were as easy to say it’ll be okay and it be true, just like we did before. Wishing that us not wanting to lose each other will be enough to keep us together.
I can't do this on my own.
There's only so much I can do.
I did my best.
* * *
I raise my empty cup in the air, calling the bartender for another round. I've been sitting here for hours after I left the house. There was no fight but I figured Katherine and I could use some time alone. I wonder why in the hell aren't things clear? I asked Katherine if it was over between us and the only thing she said was that it was all up to me. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be here. If it were up to me, I would have my family back.
The bar is half empty, mostly with college students celebrating the end of their school year. The bartender comes to refill my cognac and walks to a group of girls that just arrived to take their orders. One of the girls - a pretty blonde one - looks over at me and smiles, tilting her head to the side. I nod at her, raising my drink to my lips. She's cute, yeah but not my type. I finish my drink fast and raise my cup for another one.
"Hello." I look over at the cute blonde girl who is now standing beside me. She offers me a cute smile and says, "I'm Gabbi, you are?"
"Aidan." I shake her small hand. "Pleasure to meet you."
“The pleasure is mine,” she said, taking a seat next to me. "I just got here with some friends and I saw that you were alone. I was just wondering if you wanted to have a drink."
I raise my empty glass for her to see the obvious. "I think I’ve had one too many."
She laughs. "No, seriously. How about we have a drink and get to know each other."
I ponder on the idea for a minute. What’s the harm in having a couple drinks? I can get a cab home after we’re done. "Sounds like a plan." I raise my glass to the bartender and ask for our first round of drinks.
The hour that follows is an escape for me. I laugh, I drink, I talk, and not once do I stop and think back to my failing marriage or how completely incompetent I am. I honestly didn’t think I was able to laugh so much my stomach hurt again, I didn’t think I was capable but it was different with Gabbi. She didn’t know me, she didn’t know what I had done or who I wanted to be. To her, I was just a stranger in a bar. I learn a lot about her, too. She’s majoring in journalism with the hopes of one day being married and having children and be an editor at the New York Times.
"I feel like I’ve been talking about myself way too much. What about you?" She asked, leaning her chin on the palm of her hand. "Any girlfriend I should know about?"
You have no idea.
"No girlfriend, a wife." I raise my left hand showing off my gold wedding ring.
"That's amazing! How long have you two been married?" She grabs my hand and pulled it closer to her face to see my ring. It makes me feel like I’m showing off an engagement ring and I'm not a woman.
"Almost six years," I said, taking my hand back. "We've been together for ten. We met senior year in college after she transferred."
"Kids?"
"One. A daughter, she's going to be two next month," I tell her and drink the rest of my cognac. “She looks exactly like her mother, but she has my eyes which I like to take credit for.”
"That's so sweet." Gabbi coos, looking down at my ring. "Okay, so if you're married, why are you here tonight?"
I look down at my hands, finding ironic how she asked the question tonight.
"Because the story doesn’t end with a wedding and they lived happily ever after. There are times where things get bad to the point where you just need to have some time on your own."
"Did you and your wife have a fight?"
I shake my head. "No, we just need time to think." I shrug. But is time all we need? Is time enough? Suddenly, Gabbi takes my hand in hers and tugs it a little. It catches me off guard. I look at her and she smiles slyly, biting her lower lip and tilting her head to the side. I know the look on her face too well and I have been on all my senses, I would have walked away like I should have. But I don’t. I sit frozen in my spot with a young woman I barely know.
The sudden silence between us is interrupted when my ph- one vibrates in my pocket. It startles me out of the trance I find myself in. I pick it from my pocket and answer it.
"Hello?"
“Aidan?” I hear Katherine's sweet voice on the other side of the line. "Hey, I… I’m sorry, I’m worried about you. Where are you?"
I look over at Gabbi, who makes a motion with her head toward the door with an expression that said, "let's get out of here." She slid off her seat, pulling me with her.
"Erm..." I hesitate to tell her. She'll hate me more if I told her the truth. "I'm… I’m
with Alex watching the game," I lie, clenching my eyes shut. "I'll be home late."
The line goes silent but when I look back at the phone, she has not hung up. It takes her a moment to respond, a moment where I’m pondering whether or not she knows I’m lying.
"Oh, you are?" She said with a shaky voice. "Okay... I'll leave you to it then."
I frown at the sound of her voice. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she lied. "Just come home soon, okay?"
"I'll try."
"Aidan?"
"Yes?"
"I love you," she whispered.
"I do, too," I said back.
I hang up the phone and look at Gabbi. She doesn’t say anything, she leaves the money for the bartender and guides me out of the bar, ignoring when her friends call her name as we left. I don't know what exactly I was thinking, why did I leave that bar with her or why did I let her tell me the directions to her apartment. I think I had more to drink than I thought. When I least realized it, we were both stumbling inside her apartment kissing. She pushed me on her couch and climbed on top of me, each of her legs on my side and her hands gripped my hair, yanking my head back.
And I looked at her, I didn't see Gabbi. I saw Katherine walking up to me with a wet towel in her hands. She straddled my lap like she always did and placed the wet towel around my neck. Her fingers thread between my hair, making me look up to her. She had that sweet smile on her face and her hair made a perfect curtain around her face. She looked… so peaceful, so happy… so incredibly beautiful.
My Kathy.
"I can't do this," I said, stopping Gabbi from taking her shirt off. I can't do this to her, I can't. I’m a fucking asshole!
"What?" Gabbi breathes, her face red with embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this." I push her off my lap and grab my car keys, making a hasty exit. I leave her house almost slamming the door behind me and run to my car.
What the hell did I do? Was I seriously that close to cheating? No, that's not who I am. I couldn’t have possibly lost who I was to that extent. I have to make things right. I have to make things right with my wife before it's too late. I hope it's not too late. I can't lose her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Aidan
Our room is in the dark when I walk in, but I could distinguish Katherine’s figure laying on her side on the bed with her back facing me. I don't bother to take a shower or change my clothes to lie beside her. I kick off my shoes and without saying anything I lay down next to her and wrap my arms around her body, pulling her closer to me. I smell the sweet scent of her hair and her skin that's so familiar and so… her. I close my eyes, enjoying the delight of having her.
"It's very late," she whispered, low enough for me to hear. Her voice is hoarse like she's been crying for a while. I had hoped she was already asleep when I came home. I don't say anything, I only manage to nod and inhale her smell.
A few minutes go by until I open my eyes and look at the back of her head. I can't lie to her nor can I hide what I almost did an hour ago with that college girl. I can't. I have to tell her.
"I wasn't with Alex." I start with that and wait for her reaction. It takes a while for her to respond, just like on the phone.
"I know," she said, taking a deep breath.
How? Did she call Alex or Leila to make sure I was with them? Before I even have the chance to ask her she responds to my unspoken question.
"I was with him when I called you."
Fuck. I sigh embarrassed and ashamed of my actions and try to hug her tightly, but she peels my hands away from her body and climbs off the bed. I turn on the lights and watch her walk to the door. She stops right there with her hands gripping the sides of the door and her back facing me.
"I just want to know where you were," she said. "Just that, Aidan, I won't get mad."
I seriously doubt that.
"I was at a bar," I answer. My eyes are locked on her back. She nods again and says that's all she wanted to know but it's not all that I wanted to say. Before she had time to leave the room, I said, "I was with a woman. She recently finished college."
That stopped her.
Katherine remained still, standing in the doorway. She slowly turned around and looked at me with both eyebrows raised.
"A woman?" I nod slowly. "You were drinking with her?" I nod again. She nods too, biting her lower lip. "Did… did you leave the bar with her?" I didn't want to answer her, but I did. I nod. "Where did you go?"
"Her apartment," I answer without making eye contact. I'm too ashamed of my actions. I'm ashamed of myself.
"Were you with her when I called you?"
"Yes," I whisper.
I hear Katherine take a deep breath and let it all out. When I finally manage to look at her, she looks hurt and tears are welling up in her eyes. Her expression then grew hard as she spit the next words to me that shattered my heart.
"You disgust me!" She turns over her heel and storms out of the room.
"Katherine!" I ran out of the room after her. "Katherine, it's not what you think!" I grab her hand when I'm close enough but I'm received with a hard slap.
"Don't fucking touch me!" She yells, her face red with anger and stained with tears. "Don't you dare touch me. How dare you come back to my home and touch me after you've been with another woman!"
"Katherine, please, let me explain. I didn't sleep with her," I insisted. I almost begged her to believe me. "I didn't sleep with her, I would never do such a thing."
She laughed sarcastically. "Oh, so you were at her house to take a look around, were you? Or look at her without her shirt on?" She pushed me away from her with every word she said.
"No. Katherine, please let me explain!"
"Did you, or did you not leave that bar with her with the intention of sleeping with her?" She cried. "Did you kiss her?"
"Yes, I did kiss her. I don't know what I was thinking, Katherine. I didn't realize the huge mistake I was making until she sat on my lap-"
"Shut up, I don't want to hear it!" She covers her ears and walks to our daughter's room.
I follow her. I need her to let me explain. I can't leave things like this, she has to let me explain… She has to believe me.
"Aidan, please, just leave me alone," she cries when I walk in the room.
"No, you need to listen to me," I beg. My heart is pounding against my chest, shattering every time she pushes me away. "Katherine, I'm so sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I never wanted that. I drank too much, over my limit. I wasn't thinking but I stopped because I realized the only woman I can't live without is you. Please, don't give up on me."
Katherine wipes her tears away, looking down at our sleeping daughter. She shakes her head and cries. We both stand in our daughter's room for a long time. I stood there, waiting for her to speak to me, to stop crying and to tell me she forgave me, but that didn't happen.
"I need you to go," she sobbed. "I need to think straight and I can't have you here. I need you to leave."
"Katherine, please," I cry.
"Aidan, I can't even look at you. I'm begging you just leave right now," she cried. "Just leave my daughter's room. I need you to leave, please. Just leave. I’m begging you"
I'm such a bastard. I did what I always do, I ruined things and this time I went too far and I hurt her badly. My hands drop weightlessly to my sides. I want to drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me, I want to hug her and never let her go. But I can’t. I walk out of our daughter's room, out of our house and drive off to the only place I could think of. Alex's place. The only place I hope will receive me.
* * *
"You're an idiot. You've got to be the biggest fucking idiot. We were all here and you lied to her fucking face!" Alex snapped after I told him the rest of the events after the phone call. "Aidan, what the fuck were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking, okay? I wasn't. I was drunk and I realized I made a mistake," I said in my defense. I tug at the en
d of my hair and groan. "Look, I did not come here to get a lecture from you, Alex."
"Then why did you come? Did you think I was going to rub your back and tell you she overrated? Christ, Aidan, sometimes you are very stupid!" He slammed his hands on the counter, the only thing he did when he was pissed. "Leila told me about the bruises. I know you would never hurt her so I told her there has to be another reason but now I doubt it."
"I would never lay a hand on her," I snap. "I told you it was a moment of weakness, but I left."
“Why were you in her apartment in the first place? What did you expect to happen, Aidan? Did you seriously think Katherine was going to let this pass just like that? Just like she has for the past six months? That she was going to rub your back and tell you everything will be okay? No, Aidan, she's done. We all know that, especially now.” He muttered the last part as he walked around his kitchen counter.
"What do you mean especially now?"
He stops pacing around and rubs his eyes. He's never been this pissed at me. He made it perfectly clear when I called him and told him I was on my way here.
"I'm probably the last person indicated to tell you this, brother, but you have to see the depth of the situation right now." He leans against the counter and looks at me straight in the eyes. "Katherine was here because she needed to take a pregnancy test and she didn’t want to be alone, and guess what? You're going to be a father again."
My blood runs cold. It all zoomed out with his words. My world comes crashing down on me as his words echo in the back of my head. No, she cannot be. It's too soon and we have so many problems. She can't be pregnant.
"When she found out at first she was scared. She didn't know what to do," he murmured. "But then she saw this as hope to reunite your family, save your marriage and she called you because she wanted you to come home and work it out. But, what do you do? Lie and in the worst way possible. You weren’t here to see the way her expression changed.
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