He watched as Vaughn and Chloe made their vows. He heard the break in Chloe’s voice as she told Vaughn she would love him forever. Saw the emotion in Vaughn’s face as he repeated those words back to Chloe, and he meant every word. He saw the small gestures of kindness, the shared intimacy of two people who knew each other and accepted each other wholly. He saw something everlasting and perfect.
He saw kept promises. He saw whole truths. He saw belief in a forever love, and for a moment, he was almost convinced it could happen.
Almost.
He half turned and looked at Jenna, saw the same hope shining in her eyes, the yearning for something like that in her life, and knew she deserved it. More. Everything. Because she’d survived and helped him survive. For that he’d always be indebted to her.
He watched little Evie standing in between the bride and groom, looking up at them one at a time, confident that there was nothing that would sway this love.
Then, she was a child. She knew nothing of hurt and betrayal. She knew nothing of being led to believe you had a family and then to have that cruelly stripped away in front of your colleagues. She knew nothing of watching your friends die and telling them lies to help them go in peace. She didn’t know what he knew. Didn’t know how close to the edge loving someone could take you. Didn’t know how it could raise you up so high you felt you could fly with the angels, and drop you so deep you felt like you were in something worse than Hell.
He wanted to be like Evie, to have faith and hope and belief in love forever. He wanted to be like Jenna and have the courage to let go of the hurt and the pain and allow yourself to take another chance on love again. He wanted to not be the guy who was waiting for it to fall over. Waiting for it to end. Waiting for the bomb or the bombshell. He didn’t want to be that guy. But he was.
And in that moment, as Chloe and Vaughn slipped on their makeshift rings, Nick assessed the risk and knew exactly what he had to do.
*
‘So, you’re not going to kill me?’ Jenna hugged her sister, but stayed just out of bouquet distance, just in case. Most of the guests had gone home now. The dancing had happened and there’d even been speeches; Chloe was always one to get a word in and Vaughn grabbed the chance to talk about his lovely wife.
She could finally relax. It was done, thanks to everyone who’d buoyed her along and helped out. Thanks to Nick who had kept his misgivings silent, even though she saw them in his eyes, and helped her regardless.
As she’d watched the ceremony, she’d had an overwhelming feeling that it was safe to let go, to follow her heart just as her sister had done.
And as she’d seen the luminosity in Chloe’s eyes as she’d said her vows, Jenna had vowed something too; she was going to take a risk and tell Nick how she felt. Not in a demanding way, but in a gentle, caring way. She was going to open her heart to him. She was going to tell him how happy he made her. How she had started to trust him, how she wanted things to move to the next level. Because life was for taking chances.
Just like Chloe, she was in love with her best friend, and she was going to grasp that chance before it was too late, before she regretted holding back. Because one day he may never come home, and she didn’t want to regret a single minute. Not a single second.
‘You are one crazy, out-of-your-mind sister, but no. You’re right, I was scared. I didn’t want to have to do all that again and become an obsessed control freak like last time. You’re forgiven for giving me a near fatal heart attack. Just.’ Chloe gave her a squeeze. ‘And you planned a whole wedding. You’re after my job now?’
‘No fear. I’m sticking to flowers, thanks. The hardest part was getting a celebrant.’
‘Really? I know most of them around here, but this one is…’ They both looked over to the buffet table and saw Andrew the Celebrant chatting to their mother. Or rather, their mother chatting at him. She had her hand on his arm and was smiling up at him and laughing.
She had her hand on a man’s arm. Laughing. Unheard of. ‘Poor bloke, won’t be able to get a word in.’
Chloe’s eyes narrowed. ‘He looks really familiar. I don’t know why, but when I look at him I get a funny feeling… like, of doom. What’s his name again?’
‘Andrew Frame. He’s got a lovely website with a picture of him and a cute little dog in a really well kept garden.’
‘Dog? Andrew… Andrew…’ Chloe squinted over again, and her eyes grew huge. ‘Wait a minute… that’s, oh my God, that’s DrewsAmused.’
‘The online dating guy? The one with the dog he carried round in a bag?’ Jenna’s chest had a weird crushing feeling. That man had been rude to Chloe, and Chloe had snapped back and the date had been a disaster. This had been before Vaughn, in the lead-up to Vaughn, when Chloe had needed a date for a wedding. But she’d described someone who was messy and grubby and depressed. This man was smart and smiling and charming. And he was getting close to their mother. ‘He married you? Oh hells bells, I am so sorry.’
‘Aha. Perfect. Just perfect.’ Chloe’s eyes pigged a little, and then her shoulders started to shake as she hid her face. For a moment, Jenna panicked. Her sister was crying. Shit. Shit, not at her own wedding. It had all gone so well. But when she moved her hands away from her mouth, Chloe was laughing. Hard. ‘You are one in a million, Jenna. Maybe you could fix Mum up with him?’
‘No thank you. I am not matchmaking or organising secret surprises. I’m done. I’m completely done with romance.’
‘Jenna?’ Nick’s hand moulded into the small of her back. The little hairs all over her body prickled to attention. His hand was warm and steady, and she curled slightly into it, craving that hand in other places, doing other things. As soon as possible. And he’d heard her decrying romance?
Bugger. ‘Hey, Nick? I didn’t mean… I like romance… I mean—’
‘Can we talk? Just for a minute?’ He took her gently by the arm. He looked a bit nervous, serious, which was unlike him recently. ‘Can we go outside?’
‘Sure thing.’ Maybe this was her moment to confess her feelings? She slipped her hand into his and they walked outside into the dark. The high street was still buzzing with people on their way out for the night. Laughter and shouts and car horns filled the city air along with hope. ‘Do you want to get a drink, Nick? I’m sure the group will look after Evie for a bit longer. To be honest, there’s something I need to say too.’
He turned to her at that, questions in his eyes, but he looked guarded too. ‘Sure.’
Monosyllabic wasn’t Nick’s usual nature. He was brooding over something, but she couldn’t imagine what. He pushed open the door of the first pub they got to, settled her in a seat with a drink. Maybe she’d done something wrong? Maybe… maybe—goosebumps lifted her skin—maybe he was going to do something special. Say something special. Wedding beget weddings, Chloe often said. Wedding guests got all teary-eyed and romantic. People set the date and made promises at weddings, and not just the bride and groom.
Geez. She was really taking this to another level. Her head screamed, too fast. Too much. Too soon. But her heart was ready. She loved him.
‘I think—’ They both spoke at once.
‘You go.’ He pushed his drink back and forth over the beermat. Nervous.
She wanted him to get it out, to confess whatever it was, to say what he was too nervous to say, so she could tell him she was feeling the same. She smiled. Ready. ‘No. You go first.’
He took her hand. ‘Jenna…’
‘Yes?’ She inhaled and waited.
He smiled, but it was sad and tired and made her heart ache and her stomach tighten, but not in a good way. In fact, safe to say she was scared. ‘These past few weeks, I’ve been thinking in bloody poetry and now I can’t find the right words.’
She wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear what he was struggling to say. So she just sat there with a lump in her throat.
He took a deep breath. ‘This has got to stop, Jenna. I’m sorry. It’s got to stop. I can�
��t do it.’
‘Whoa.’ She could see the pain behind his eyes. If it hurt so much, why do it? ‘Why? Don’t you like me all of a sudden?’
His mouth lifted at one side and he shook his head. ‘Geez, no. It’s not that. You’re amazing. It’s not you—’
‘Oh, I see. It’s not you, it’s me. Right? Cheesy, Nick. What the hell?’ Surely they were past that? Surely? She’d given him everything. He’d given her so much in return. They were good together, so damned good. He gave her the confidence to try. He made her feel beautiful. And he knew she made him laugh, that she turned him on, that he’d told her things he’d never told another soul. They were better together. She shook her hand out from under his and sat on it so she wouldn’t do something she’d regret with it. He was breaking up this precious thing they had. Breaking her heart.
‘You’re amazing, Jenna, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.’
‘So is it because of Evie?’ Because no one, no one. upset her daughter and got away with it. And she could never love anyone who wouldn’t accept and cherish her little girl.
‘No. I love Evie. She’s great. I just… hell, Jenna. I’m broken and I don’t think I can be fixed. Part of me doesn’t want to be fixed because it’s safer being on my own. I told you before, I’m damaged.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re just looking for excuses. You’ve had a hard time, but you got through.’
‘Yeah? Anyone else would have sat in that beautiful wedding and thought happy thoughts. Me? I just went over and over all the things that could go wrong. I looked at it from all angles, I did a risk assessment and I costed it out.’ His head dipped as if he had a huge weight across his shoulders. ‘Turns out, falling in love is a price I can’t afford to pay. I don’t want to love you. I don’t want to need to be part of your life. I don’t want to stay awake at night and wish I was with you… every single night. I don’t want to feel the things I feel about you. That… that stresses me so much I can’t tell you. Because I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the fallout.’
He was scared. Running scared. And there was Jenna thinking she was the world’s worst catastrophiser. There was Jenna thinking he was going to propose. Stupid. Foolish. Silly, hopeful woman. To believe she, of all people, could have a second chance? She’d be believing in unicorns next. And the bloody tooth fairy. She certainly didn’t want to believe what he was saying. ‘There doesn’t have to be fallout, Nick. We’re survivors, remember?’
‘You saved me.’ He shook his head. ‘You’re the brave one. You don’t need me. You don’t need anyone. You’re just goddamned fabulous as you are.’
‘Don’t tell me what I need. Who I can fall in love with and who I can’t. Don’t break my heart, Nick. Don’t.’ But the pieces she’d so carefully fitted back together were starting to show cracks. A tight ache started under her ribcage and radiated up to her throat. She fought the tears. She would not cry in front of him.
His head shot up. ‘You love me?’
Risk assessments? No. She took a risk, because that was what this was all about. About putting your heart on the line, and if she expected him to do it, she had to do it too. ‘Yes. Yes, I do love you, Nick Welsh. And you know what? It’s the best thing I’ve done in a bloody long time.’
She waited, silently prayed for him to say the same thing back to her. Take a chance. Be honest and open and true.
He blew out a breath. ‘You only think you love me.’
‘You don’t trust my feelings? You don’t trust me? After everything we’ve shared together?’
‘Of course I trust you.’ He shook his head slowly, eyes hollow and dark. ‘I don’t trust the whole happy ever after thing. You’ll thank me in the long run. I’m protecting you.’
‘From what? A relationship? A chance at happiness? Because I wouldn’t hurt you, not ever.’ A tight knot of anger settled in her gut. ‘All you have to do is let go. Let go of that edge you’re holding on to. Let go, Nick. Let go for me and for Evie. And for yourself.’
He didn’t move. Didn’t speak. He didn’t let go. If anything, his fingers tightened more as he gripped the tabletop.
She suddenly felt unbearably weary. Tired of hoping. Tired of believing better times were ahead. Tired of digging deep and pretending to be all shiny and happy when inside she was rusting and breaking all over again. She scraped her chair back and stood up. ‘I think if two people love each other, they should be brave enough to say it. To fight for it. To build a life with it.’
He stood to face her, clearly torn. Clearly wretched. Clearly stuck. She willed him to hold her, to tell her he was talking rubbish. To tell her he loved her. To fight.
But he didn’t.
There was no going forward with this. And no going back. He loved her, she could see it in every gesture, every look, every thought. But he was too damned scared to believe in it. Or to admit it to either her or himself.
She gave him one more chance and heard him out. ‘You’ve had enough crap in your life, Jenna. I’m just trying to save you from more pain, can’t you see?’
Not enough. Nowhere near enough. She grabbed her coat and bag and started towards the door, her heart in pieces. She looked at him through a blur of tears that she no longer had the strength to fight. She wanted the safety of her mum’s arms, her sister’s smile, her daughter’s hugs. But even then, she knew they wouldn’t be able to take away this hurt. He had no bloody clue. Saving her from pain? Ha. ‘Too bloody late, Nick. Too bloody late.’
Chapter 17
‘Leave me alone. It’s too early to get up.’ Jenna slapped her hand down on the snooze button of her alarm clock and hid back under the covers. If it had been up to her, she wouldn’t have got out of bed the last eight mornings, but Chloe had been around every day and made sure she was dressed and ready for work.
Which was fine. She’d managed not to frighten the customers and still found lots of love for Evie, but everything was harder when you felt like a part of you was missing.
Nick.
Nick was missing, and she hadn’t been prepared for how much that would hurt.
Stupid, really, because she’d been so scared she’d fall in love with him and then he’d go and die on her in the line of duty, she’d thought she’d never survive such dreadful pain again. But here she was with a shattered heart anyway and the man was still bloody alive.
If she ever saw him again, she’d kill him for not wanting to put up a fight. For making her feel like this. For stealing her happiness all over again just when it was starting to blossom.
She loved him, for God’s sake. He’d made her hope and dream and believe, and now all she had left was central chest pain, an impossibly large appetite and sleeping sickness.
Her phone buzzed. ‘Chloe? What the hell? It’s way too early. Go home and come back in two hours.’
‘And there was me thinking you’d put the fun into running. Come on, girlfriend, your daughter’s nursery won’t raise money if you don’t actually put the hard yards in. Literally. We said we’d meet at the corner, and here we all are except you and Mam and Evie. Mam, I can understand, because she prefers her bed to anywhere else, but you? I have to say, I’m surprised.’
The fun run. That was today. Training had gone out the window because she didn’t want to risk bumping into him. Jenna Cassidy-Pearce was a coward, but she just couldn’t bear the thought of seeing those lovely eyes with so much struggle in them. And she couldn’t be trusted not to run/walk/shuffle straight at him and demand one of his lifesaving kisses.
She flopped back onto the pillow. ‘Shit and double shit with chocolate on. I am so not ready.’
‘Well, we are and it’s freezing. So hurry the hell up.’
She met them at the corner and her heart lifted a little at their friendly, warm smiles even at silly o’clock in the morning. If there was one thing she could rely on—because she couldn’t rely on men, ever—it was her girl friends.
‘I have no idea why on earth we let you tal
k us into this, Jenna. For the record, I am not allowing you to have any ideas for the next year. Okay? One surprise wedding was enough to make me crazy, but running? Never again.’ But even so, Faith gave her a big hug. ‘Are you okay, hun?
‘Surviving. Thanks.’ She’d heard herself say that for so long and then, for a while, she’d been thriving. But she wasn’t going to lie and say she was okay. She wasn’t. She was back to existing and not living. ‘What is it they say, this too shall pass?’
‘He’s a bloody idiot if you ask me.’ Good old Faith, wore her heart on her sleeve and never held back.
‘No, he’s not. He just acted like one. I get it, I do. He’s been badly burnt, and he’s not an old romantic like me. He doesn’t believe in the whole fairy tale thing.’ Jenna pushed down the rising sadness. Or at least tried. Even though she understood his reasons, she just couldn’t forgive him and couldn’t forget him. ‘I just thought we’d make it, you know?’ Even make a family, in time.
‘You love him?’ Saskia fell into step as they neared the start line.
‘Of course she does.’ Now Anjini nudged her way into the middle of the group. ‘And you’ve got all those condoms… what a waste. A tragedy.’
What the hell? Jenna sought out her sister. ‘Chloe? Chloe? Have you been telling them about—’
‘Hush. Something’s happening.’ All around them people were stretching and laughing and chatting. Loud music suddenly blared from a speaker, and on a truck that had been converted into a stage, three extremely hyped and far too cheerful women started to do star jumps.
Jenna barely had the energy to breathe, never mind jump.
‘Mamma? Can I jump too?’ Evie climbed out of the buggy and started to join in, laughing and giggling with the others. She took hold of Jenna’s hand and swung it from side to side, and Jenna’s heart give another little jump. She had to hold herself together for this little one. Had to show her not to be afraid to take risks, to look darkness in the face. ‘Come on, dance, Mamma.’
‘Oh, okay then.’ And she did, because whatever else happened, she had her daughter, she had her friends and, in time, she’d find her happy again too.
Something About You (Something Borrowed Series Book 2) Page 20