Losing Faith

by Scotty Cade

  Abel raised his head. “Listen.”

  Cullen cocked his head to one side and listened. Nothing but the smooth humming of the generator. “The storm’s passed.”

  Lifting up just a little, Cullen looked out of the window. The power was on and the marina was once again all aglow. “I guess I should switch back to shore power and give the generator a rest.”

  “Does that mean I have to get up?” Abel asked.

  Cullen chuckled. “I’m afraid so.”

  Abel slid off of Cullen, straightened, and sat on the end of the couch. “What time is it anyway?”

  Cullen looked at the clock on the microwave oven. “Just after one o’clock.”

  “Wow! I didn’t realize it was so late. I should let you get some rest.”

  “It’s been an enlightening day for both of us,” Cullen said.

  “That’s an understatement.” Abel looked around for his shoes, dreading putting his warm, dry feet back in those wet, cold sneakers.

  “Stay,” Cullen said, shocking himself. What the hell?

  Abel looked surprised but shook his head. “No. I couldn’t. I don’t want to impose.”

  Cullen waved him off. “Your sneakers are soaked, as are all of your clothes, and although you’re welcome to what you have on, I don’t think my shoes will fit you.”

  Abel looked like he was trying to decide if this was a good idea or not.

  “Aren’t you off tomorrow?” Cullen added before Abel could respond.

  “Yeah—wait. How do you know that?” Abel paused. “On second thought, let me guess. Agnes?”

  Cullen nodded.

  Abel’s smile was wry. “I swear that woman has a mouth as big as the Atlantic.”

  “So. It’s settled. You’ll stay.”

  Abel still looked hesitant, but he nodded.

  Cullen opened a cabinet door and flipped a switch, and the hum of the generator slowly disappeared. “You ready for bed?”

  “Yeah,” Abel said. “It’s been a long, emotional day. Where do you want me to sleep?”

  Cullen studied Abel’s face for some sort of indication of what he wanted, but Abel’s expression was unreadable.

  Did he want Abel in his bed? The same bed he’d shared with Cole? It wasn’t sex. It was just sleeping, but still, that was almost as intimate.

  And if he did want Abel in his bed, he didn’t want to be presumptuous and assume Abel wanted to be there.

  But Abel had surprised him tonight. It was heartbreaking to think that Abel had been starved of any real affection, security, and warmth, and tonight his need for human touch seemed to be insatiable. He would do it. He would do it for Abel.

  “Would you like to sleep with me?” Cullen asked cautiously.

  “Again, I don’t want to impose,” Abel said. “I know this boat was yours and Cole’s. Would that be too weird for you? I can leave. Really.”

  “No, I want you to stay.” And Cullen realized he did want Abel to stay. Not just for Abel, but for himself as well. It had been a long time since he’d held someone, and it had felt good. “It might be weird at first, but I need to get past these types of hurdles if I’m ever going to move on with my life. But only if you want to.”

  Abel offered Cullen a feeble smile. “I would like that. For some reason the thought of being alone tonight seems almost unbearable.”

  “Then it’s settled. Can I get you anything before we turn in?”

  “I’m good.”

  Abel stood motionless as Cullen walked around turning off the lights in the cabin. When Cullen was through, he grabbed two bottles of water from the galley and looked at Abel. It was as though the man couldn’t move his feet.

  “It’s okay,” Cullen said walking over, taking Abel by the hand, and leading him down below.

  “Which is your side?” Abel asked apprehensively when they reached the cabin.

  “The right,” Cullen said tossing one of the water bottles to Abel.

  Abel caught the bottle and placed it on the bedside table. “Good. I’m a lefty.”

  Cullen brushed his teeth and returned to the cabin, where he found Abel sitting on the edge of the bed. “I left a new toothbrush on the counter for you if you want it.”

  “Thanks.” When Abel reached the door to the head, he stopped and turned. “Thank you, Cullen. No one… has ever been this kind to me.”

  Without waiting for a response, Abel disappeared into the head and closed the door behind him.

  Cullen swallowed the lump in his throat and fought back the tears that were welling up in the backs of his eyes. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Abel growing up with no one who truly loved him. No one to talk to. No one to hold him when he was scared or sick. No wonder he turned to religion. God must have seemed like his only friend. Cullen looked up to the heavens, and for the first time in a very long time, he didn’t curse the Almighty but silently thanked him for bringing Abel back and for being there for Abel all those years.

  Cullen pulled back the blankets, removed his shirt and pajama bottoms, and crawled into bed. He leaned against the headboard, fingers linked behind his head. Abel reappeared with his sweatshirt in hand. It had been dark when Cullen had stripped Abel’s wet clothing off earlier, and he’d been too worried to do anything but get Abel dry and warm. But now, in the light of the cabin, he could clearly see Abel’s well-defined pectorals, taut nipples, and yes, count ’em. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six pack. His upper arms were almost as big around as Cullen’s thighs. Damn, the man is ripped.

  Abel walked around the bed, and Cullen pulled back the covers as an invitation. “Work out much?” he teased.

  Even in the softly lit cabin, Cullen could see the blush creeping into Abel’s face. “A little.” Abel turned his head away shyly. “It’s my only guilty pleasure.”

  Abel stood motionless, almost like he was trying to make some sort of decision, and then he scanned the room. He appeared to stop when he saw Cullen’s pajama bottoms on the floor next to the bed, slipped off his own sweats, peeled off his socks, and finally slid into bed.

  Cullen could feel Abel trembling and didn’t know if Abel was cold or nervous, so he wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. Abel quickly laid his head on Cullen’s chest, as he had on the couch, and sighed heavily.

  “You okay?” Cullen asked.

  “Yeah. Just a little nervous, I guess. You’re the first person I’ve shared a bed with since I was a kid in foster care.”

  Cullen laughed and gave Abel a quick squeeze. “Why? Do you snore?”

  Abel appeared to be seriously contemplating the question, and Cullen couldn’t hold back a chuckle. Abel must have realized he was teasing and smacked Cullen playfully on the arm. “No. I don’t snore, thank you very much. Do you?”

  “Nope,” Cullen said. “I’m a fairly quiet sleeper. I turn a few times. Get up to pee once or twice, but other than that, I’m a great bedmate.”

  “I guess I’ll be the judge of that.” Abel snuggled closer, and Cullen shivered as Abel’s close-cut beard brushed over his bare skin. Abel rested his hand on Cullen’s stomach and then slowly moved it up and over Cullen’s chest. He brushed Cullen’s nipple gently before following the little path of hair that ran down Cullen’s chest to his belly button and disappeared into the waistband of his underwear. When he was finished, he repeated the process all over again. Abel was almost childlike in his exploration, and Cullen was surprisingly comfortable indulging him. After all, Abel had suppressed his desires for so many years. That was the least he could do.

  Cullen closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the sensation of Abel’s soft touch. Little pangs of guilt kept trying to intrude on his pleasure, but he pushed them to the far reaches of his mind. He would deal with them, but not tonight. Tonight appeared to be a night of firsts—obvious firsts for Abel, but equally as important, firsts for Cullen as well.

  For starters, there had never been another man in this bed but Cole, and that was a tough one to acknow
ledge. Not as hard as the realization that Cullen had not been this relaxed and open with anyone since Cole, though, nor had anyone touched him this way. Lying here now with Abel in his arms left him with nothing but unprotected honesty, and the feeling scared the hell out of him. Abel seemed to have this ability to strip away Cullen’s defenses, one by one, but Cullen couldn’t or wouldn’t let it go any further than simple touch. On the other hand, Cullen was surprised at himself for allowing it to happen at all. And he did not regret a single moment of it. Yet.

  The sounds of the water lapping against the hull and the gentle rocking of the boat, combined with Abel’s caresses, quickly lured Cullen into a deep sleep.

  A storm was raging outside. Lightning was cracking in between roars of thunder. Cullen kept hearing his name over and over, like someone was calling him from far, far away. He looked out of windows but saw no one. Again he heard his name. Closer. Louder. He again looked out of the port-side windows. Nothing. He ran to starboard. Still nothing.

  Then he heard his name again. This time louder and more desperate. “Cullen! Help me!”

  Cullen ran down the steps to his cabin and peered out of the large porthole facing aft. The marina was in darkness, and the rain was pelting so hard against the window it was difficult to see anything. And then a bright flash of lightning illuminated a figure standing behind the boat, his arms stretched out, face pale and lifeless. Cole! The lightning flashed again. No, wait! That’s not Cole. It’s Abel.

  Cullen ran up to the cockpit, peeled back the vinyl and canvas, and almost fell backward when the wind and pelting rain assaulted him. He covered his face, brushed the rain from his eyes, and blinked. Abel was still standing there, arms open, beckoning him. Cullen fought the wind and made his way down the back stairs to the dock. The lightning flashed again, and Abel’s eyes looked dark and lifeless. He wrapped his arms around Abel and pulled him close. And then over Abel’s shoulder, he saw him. Cole was standing on the dock behind Abel, seemingly unaffected by the wind and the rain. He was smiling affectionately. Cullen immediately let go of Abel and ran down the dock to Cole, throwing his arms around him. Cole returned the embrace, and Cullen began to cry. He was home. Cole had come to take him wherever he was going. Relief filled his entire being, and his heart was overcome with joy.

  Cole placed both his hands on Cullen’s shoulders and stepped away from the embrace. He was smiling, and his eyes were warm and full of love. He leaned in and pressed his lips against Cullen’s. Cole’s lips were soft and oh so familiar, but as soon as their lips met, a thousand memories flashed through Cullen’s mind. Him and Cole side by side at the helm of T-time. The two of them laughing hysterically as Cullen’s chair collapsed on the beach in P-town. Each lost in the other’s eyes on the day of their wedding. Cole in the first row of the church staring up at Cullen with so much love Cullen’s heart hurt. Watching the fireworks here in Southport on the deck of T-Time. All their vacations together. Everyday life. And then Cole pushed his tongue into Cullen’s mouth, kissing him so deeply, so wholly, that spots swam in front of Cullen’s eyes. Cullen was elated and leaned into the kiss, giving himself to Cole. When the kiss ended, Cullen rested his forehead against Cole’s and sighed.

  “I’ve missed you so much. I’m ready.”

  Cole gave Cullen a reassuring smile and offered his hand. Cullen gladly accepted it and allowed Cole to lead him down the dock. Cullen was happy for the first time since Cole’s death. Really happy. Until he saw Abel standing where Cullen had left him, still being pelted by the raging storm. He looked lost, and his face was consumed with sadness. Oh my God. He’d forgotten all about Abel. His friend. Someone who needed him. Guilt consumed Cullen as he wondered how many times in Abel’s life people had forgotten about him. He was suddenly no better than anyone else who’d abandoned Abel in the past. He was full of shame and regret.

  Cullen realized he was suddenly struggling with a decision. Stay with Abel or go with Cole. To be with Cole again was all Cullen had wanted, dreamed of, since Cole’s passing, and now the fact that he was even considering staying with Abel confused him deeply.

  Cole led Cullen to Abel, released Cullen’s hand, and joined it with Abel’s. The minute his and Abel’s hands touched, the storm quieted and the stars appeared shining brightly in the indigo night sky.

  “No,” Cullen whispered.

  Cole looked at them both, and his expression conveyed nothing but love, peace, and happiness. “We shared a lifetime,” Cole said as all their years of happiness again flashed behind Cullen’s eyes. “It’s time for us both to move on.”

  Cullen quickly realized the decision to go or stay had never really been his. Cole hadn’t come to take him away; he’d come to make sure he and Abel found their way to each other.

  Cole turned and started walking away. When Cullen called out to him, Cole stopped and looked over his shoulder. His smile was angelic, and although Cullen didn’t see Cole’s mouth move, he heard Cole’s voice very clearly in his head. “Be happy, my love.”

  Cullen watched the man he so desperately loved slowly walk away from him. As Cole moved farther and farther away, a warm light began to encircle him. Cullen’s heart broke in two as Cole looked back one more time, smiled, and then simply faded away.

  The moment Cole disappeared, the pain in Cullen’s aching heart was replaced with hope and promise. Cullen looked at Abel, and suddenly it all made sense.

  Chapter Ten

  ABEL WOKE slowly. The tight grip of slumber just didn’t seem ready to release him, and he decided he was okay with that. Most mornings, probably as a result of living in so many different foster homes, he woke very disoriented. But this morning he knew exactly where he was: safe, warm, and comfortable in Cullen’s bed. Abel unconsciously reached over for Cullen, and when he felt only cool sheets, he quickly opened his eyes and scanned the room. Cullen was nowhere in sight. Abel rolled over onto his back, listened closely, and sighed with relief when he heard the faint sounds of pots and pans and Cullen moving around elsewhere in the boat, probably the kitchen. No, Abel. Galley. Not kitchen.

  Abel rolled over onto his side, nuzzled back into the warm bedding, and buried his head in Cullen’s pillow. He inhaled deeply, and Cullen’s scent filled his nostrils.

  Closing his eyes, Abel remembered the extraordinary feeling he’d had last night of falling asleep in someone’s arms for the first time ever. For over an hour, he’d rubbed Cullen’s chest and abdomen, lightly tracing the little line of hair that led down to his navel, curved into a circle and then continued farther, hinting at what was below, before disappearing into Cullen’s underwear. For some reason, he’d thought if he’d stopped touching and caressing Cullen, it might all turn out to be a dream, and when he woke, he’d be alone again. But he’d woken up several times during the night, and Cullen had still been there, holding him. He’d simply tightened his grip on Cullen and fallen immediately back to sleep.

  Suddenly the aroma of bacon drifted into the cabin, and Abel’s nose perked up. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten, and he was starved. He decided he would join Cullen and see if he could help. Pulling the covers back to get up, he heard Cullen’s voice.

  “No, sir. Back in bed.”

  Abel looked up to find Cullen standing in the doorway, smiling and holding a tray of breakfast.

  “I thought I might help with breakfast.”

  Cullen walked into the room. “Got it all under control.”

  After putting the tray on the end of the bed, Cullen fluffed Abel’s pillow. “Now lean back and let me do something nice for you.” Cullen placed the tray in front of Abel. “I hope you like your eggs over easy?”

  “Any way is fine by me. But what about you?”

  Cullen turned. “I’ll be right back.”

  Minutes later Cullen returned with another tray loaded with more breakfast. Abel lifted the covers, and Cullen climbed back into bed and rested the tray on his lap.

  “This was really nice of you,” Abel said.


  “Please tell me you’ve had breakfast in bed before?” Cullen asked with an expression of hope plastered on his face.

  “Yep. Once. When I was in the hospital getting my appendix removed, they brought me breakfast in bed. But I can guarantee it wasn’t as good as this is going to be.”

  “Oh jeez, Abel. What am I going to do with you?”

  Abel wanted to say, “You can do anything you want to me as long as you don’t leave me.” But of course he bit his tongue. He’d stopped asking for such foolishness a long time ago. People leave, Abel. Or they send you away. That’s just what they do.

  Abel couldn’t help but recall one of his earliest childhood memories of clinging to a woman he’d thought was his mother when he was once again being reassigned in the foster care system.

  Cullen interrupted his musings. “A penny for your thoughts.”

  “I don’t think you realize what you’re asking,” Abel replied. “There’s a lot of crazy in this head.”

  Cullen put his fork down and took Abel’s hand. “You looked like you were miles away and had the saddest expression on your face. If you don’t want to share, I understand.”

  Abel bit his bottom lip, trying to decide what to tell Cullen. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want Cullen thinking he was some sort of whiny baby. Poor, poor me. I’ve had such a bad life.

  In the end he decided on the truth. The truth was, he’d had a shitty life. He wasn’t whining about it. It was just a fact. He sighed. “I was just remembering how hard it was to understand why I didn’t have a family of my own. Or why I kept going from one home to another. I’d always try to be good and do everything asked of me, but something always happened, and when it did, I was the first thing to go.”

  Cullen was silent for a while, like he was processing what Abel had said, and then he squeezed Abel’s hand. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Can I ask what triggered that memory?”