Heartbreak Warfare

by Heather M. Orgeron

  A motorcycle.

  Swallowing, I tilt my head to get a good look at the helmet, but I already know what I’m going to see.

  Purple flames.

  “Oh, my God,” I cry out, my heart plummeting.

  He was there, on my worst day. Noah’s party. He was there, looking through my bay window. He was there, yards away. Eyes flooding, I search through my windshield to see him staring right at me before he jerks his head away.

  “Briggs,” I cry hoarsely, knowing he can’t hear me.

  Seconds tick by as I try to calm my heart into doing the sensible thing, but I’m not sure I even know what the hell that is anymore. What I do know is that I’m done with denial.

  Exiting the car, I wander over to a beautiful and restless thoroughbred who assesses me through a white-painted fence. He’s got the eyes of an old soul, and we stare at each other for minutes before he moves toward me. I hold my hand out, and he nudges it before I thread my fingers through his mane. I speak low to him as he prods me for more attention.

  “Hey, Houdini, did you know your owner is a complete jackass?”

  His voice sounds behind me. “I’m pretty sure he figured it out early.”

  I keep my eyes trained on the horse.

  “You’re right. I’m angry. And I can’t keep living like this.”

  “You have to give yourself time.”

  I shake my head because that’s not what I meant. I can’t keep living as a heart divided.

  “They’ll wait, Katy.”

  I don’t bother to correct him.

  “What about you?” I ask.

  “What about me? I’m good. I’m working.”

  I’m not the only one who isn’t ready for real talk.

  “Fine.” I turn to see him staring at me as if I’m not real. “Put me to work, Briggs.”

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Katy

  Hours later, we sit on his porch as a light breeze whispers over my skin, and the sun begins to sink past the horizon.

  “It’s as beautiful as I pictured it,” I tell him.

  “Is it?”

  “Yeah, I thought about this place all the time when we were there.”

  Our eyes connect briefly, and I feel a hint of warmth.

  “The night I thought you were...gone, I had a dream about this place.” I take a sip of my beer. “You were younger.”

  He raises his brows, and I point a finger at him with my hand around the bottle.

  “Don’t go there. You were a boy, and we ran together.”

  He smooths a hand down his face. “Out of all the dreams you could’ve had about me, you have to have one where I haven’t hit puberty?”

  I roll my eyes with a laugh. “Ever the flirt.”

  “Bear with me. All I’ve done is stare at horses for the last six days.” He gazes past my shoulders at a few of the thoroughbreds. “They’re starting to look sexy.”

  “You’re so twisted.”

  “Tell me about it,” he rasps out. Our eyes meet again, a flare in his before they flit away.

  “So,” I ask on a breath. “You’re on leave?”

  “It’s almost over.”

  Swallowing hard, I try to collect myself.

  “Why are you here, Scottie?”

  “I found out you were being deployed, and I just got in the car.”

  “Oh, that was you who got out of the car?” he asks with a grin. “All I saw was muscles flexing, flying hair, and big teeth being bared. I thought my new mare was getting delivered.”

  “Eat shit,” I say with a smile.

  “Remind me not to piss you off anytime soon.”

  “Don’t piss me off anytime soon,” I retort. “Though it didn’t seem to faze you.”

  He looks at me, incredulous. “Are you kidding? The only reason I got back on that tractor was to go search for my balls.”

  I throw my head back and laugh, and he soaks it in before hanging his head.

  “I guess my question is, why aren’t you home now?”

  “I told you, I heard you were—”

  The look he gives cuts me off.

  I rock in the comfortable porch chair made of wicker and padding that looks a hundred years old as the pasture lights up orange. Fields of fire blaze in front of us as I catch my breath.

  “I’m not home because when I went back, it felt like a house, no more than that. Like a life that belonged to someone else, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get it right. I’m like the corner piece to a puzzle, trying to force into the center, and no matter how I try to manipulate myself, I just don’t fit.” I study his eyes, swallowing hard. “I no longer fit. I’m not her, the woman who left.”

  He shrugs. “Maybe you aren’t the same, and that’s okay.”

  “Is it? No one else seems to think so.”

  “You mean Gavin,” he counters. Gavin is just as real to him as he is to me, and that’s my fault, but I won’t discuss our marital problems with Briggs. I shake my head to let him know just that.

  He doesn’t seem to care. “Then it’s on him.”

  “It’s not just how I feel. It’s the way I’m thinking too. I think I want more than what I had planned…I don’t know. But sitting idle while everyone else lives their lives makes me even more stir crazy, where before, it’s all I lived for. It’s like I’m reluctant to slide back into that role because I have a second chance, and maybe I want to do something different.”

  “Like what?”

  “Not sit idle while everyone else lives their lives,” I say with a laugh. “I’m going to be a nurse, I think. Part-time.”

  “You’ll be an amazing nurse.”

  “I just don’t want to screw it all up for Noah.”

  “You’re present. You’re there, and you’re trying, that’s all you can do until you sort yourself out. There’s no time line for that.”

  “I’m losing my old life.”

  “You need more time.”

  “That seems to be the general consensus.” I down the rest of my beer. “Briggs.”

  “Yes?”

  “Fuck this subject.”

  He chuckles as we clink bottles.

  I twist my neck, and my body screams murder. “Jesus, I’m sore everywhere. You do this every day?”

  “Rain or shine.”

  “I have to admit I’m impressed with your skill.”

  “Pretty sure it takes more to raise a human.” He’s still fighting to remind me I’m not home, to remind me of my responsibilities.

  “So, this is your life?” I ask, changing the subject.

  “When I’m home. The ranch hands do it mostly. I try to keep some money in Gran’s pocket when I can, do the work I can do.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Gambling in Louisiana.” He gives me a grin.

  “She’s a card shark too, isn’t she?”

  “Taught me all I know.” He’s in a gray T-shirt now, still wearing his ratty old baseball cap.

  “Where’s the hat?” I ask.

  “What hat?”

  “The hat the girls go crazy over?”

  “You’re looking at it.”

  I frown. “Not what I pictured.”

  “You expected a ten-gallon hat, right?”

  “Yeah, a real cowboy hat.”

  “Allow me to school you in the modern garb of a real cowboy.”

  “Bullshit,” I say, rocking back. “No belt buckle?”

  “Tell you what, you go ride a tractor for twelve hours with a pound of metal rubbing your belly and sitting on your dick and tell me how good it feels.”

  I burst into laughter, and he rolls his eyes but gives me a flash of teeth.

  “Will you teach me?”

  “How to be a cowboy? You got one swift lesson today when your ass went over the rail of the fence.”

  I narrow my eyes. “You said you’d never bring that up again.”

  “That’s before you fucked with my ego.” We’re both grinning like fools, and it fe
els so damned good.

  “Sorry, cowboy. I meant if you would teach me how to play cards.”

  His dimple appears. “Depends.”

  “On what?”

  He takes a long draw from his beer. “On what you’re willing to lose.”

  I nod. “I’ve got a stick of gum and a three-year supply of Carmex in my purse.”

  He chuckles. “That sounds like a good story. And it’s a start.”

  Night sets in as the moon shines bright above us. “This place is…freeing.”

  He leans against the railing of the porch across from me. “It’s purpose. It keeps some of my demons from catching up with me. The more I work, the more of a memory they become. Whatever demons I can’t drown, I swim with, and we tend to get along fine.”

  “Is that the truth?”

  “It’s my truth. I become the bad guy to protect the good guys. I signed up for it.”

  “I want your strength,” I confess.

  “You don’t need it. You’re good on your own. You’re not drowning in a bottle. You’re facing it head-on. Keep fighting, and you’ll win. I promise you. And maybe you’ll never be the same woman, but that’s okay.”

  “It’s that simple, huh?”

  “No, it’s that hard, but you can do it. Though I have to say, if my vote counts, by the events of today, you’re still the exact same pain in the ass.”

  I flip him the bird.

  “Case in point.” Another breath-stealing grin.

  “Well,” I sigh, “maybe it’s not about who I am. Maybe it’s about what I want.”

  “And what is that, Scottie?”

  “Long term, I have no fucking clue, but I want to stay here tonight. Is that okay?”

  “Katy—”

  “I’ll sleep with Houdini,” I offer quickly.

  His face flashes with anger as he looks over his shoulder, and alarmed, I do the same.

  “I always knew I hated that motherfucker for a reason.”

  Leaning back in the rocker I slowly shake my head back and forth wearing a shit-eating grin while admiring him for exactly who he is—unbreakable, remarkable.

  “I’m serious, Briggs. Can I?”

  He studies me carefully. “Only if you ride him tomorrow.”

  “You did promise to teach me; that was the plan.”

  “What about your other plans?”

  Guilt wracks me, and he draws a quick conclusion.

  “You haven’t done anything, have you?”

  I crack open another beer from the cooler between us and take a sip.

  “You haven’t run?”

  I shake my head.

  “You haven’t danced?” His brows raise higher with each question. “Nothing?”

  “Been busy. And you’re wrong about the bottle. I’m a selective alcoholic. I chose Smirnoff to screw up my kid’s birthday party. There’s a picture for you—I took cover when some kid popped a balloon.”

  “Jesus,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

  “Learning to grocery shop again, now that was fun. One slam of the freezer door behind me, and I was ready to call it a day.” The confessions are rolling off my tongue.

  “That bad?”

  “It was. And it’s been worse.” I swallow more beer. “I, uh, I use to put my camo on and…”

  He furrows his brows. “What?”

  “I’d sit in my backyard…” I palm my forehead. “God, this is embarrassing.”

  He kneels at my feet and stops my rocking. “Tell me.”

  I look over the pasture, and for the first time in months, I tell the truth.

  “I’d try to channel you.” My chin wobbles, but I keep the tears in. “It’s ridiculous—trust me, I know. But when I was in those clothes, on that freezing ground, it was like I could feel you there with me.”

  Scrunching my nose, I bite my lips, but the hot tears fall. “Turns out I needed you then…and I still need you now, even after you broke my heart.”

  I’m in his arms. I don’t know how it happens, and I don’t care. I look up, meeting his eyes, and give him the truth he deserves. “And I’m terrified that’s never going to stop.”

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  Briggs

  She’s shaking in my arms, her head on my shoulder as she confesses that she still needs me. Elation threatens, and I tamp it down. I’ve been there. I can’t go there again. Just as the thought passes, I hear her sniff, and she slowly pulls away.

  “Nope, not doing this,” she says as she runs her hand through her hair before grabbing another beer and cracking it open. “I’m not here to throw my shit on you. I’m sorry.” She sniffs into her sleeve before wiping her eyes.

  Stunned at her sudden departure, I move to stand. “It’s not like I was tossing you aside.”

  “I know.” She gives me a brave smile. “But in all honesty, I’m doing better. I think.” She wrinkles her nose, trying to mask the tears that threaten. “I think telling you the things I did, putting words to them, made it all the more real for me, maybe? Like that has really been my life since I’ve been home.”

  I’m still reeling from her confessions and having a horrible time at the fact it’s been so hard on her. “Makes sense.”

  “God,” she says, setting the beer down. “You know, I woke up today and did a body scan, and swore my head was on straight. Straight enough to come here and read you the riot act. Come see my crazy ass out, would you?” She takes a step off the porch, and my chest seizes.

  Fuck!

  “You’ve been drinking.” I follow her as she starts toward her Jeep.

  “I’ve had two beers,” she says with a shrug.

  “Stop fucking walking,” I order, and she turns back to me with her eyes wide.

  “Now you want me to stay, Briggs? You’ve been giving me hell about being here for the past half hour. I’m trying to give you an out, cowboy.”

  Thumbing the pockets of my jeans, I take a step forward.

  “You had a moment, and you’re embarrassed. I get it, but this is me you had a moment with, and you don’t have to cover it up. For fifty-six fucking days, we talked, Scottie. Fifty-six days. Nothing in the world you can tell me will sway my opinion of you. Nothing you can do will ever make me feel differently about you. Now, come inside and let’s play some cards.”

  “You don’t get to bully me, Briggs.”

  Squeezing the bill of my hat, I grit my teeth. “You know as much as you’ve talked about changing, I can’t tell a damn bit of difference. You’re still mouthy.” I take a step forward as her lips rise. “Still off-putting.” Another step. “Still stubborn as hell.” I take that final step. “And I don’t want any more excuses. You have a promise to keep.”

  “I do?” She’s beaming, and that arrow shoots straight through my heart.

  “You will ride a horse while saving a cowboy.”

  A beat passes, maybe two, as we square off. She doesn’t want to leave, and I don’t want her to go. That part is settled.

  “Fine.” She pushes past me and walks back toward the house. “But I can’t be responsible for anything I say or do beyond this point.”

  “You know what you need?” I point out.

  “What’s that?” she asks, as the tears dry on her cheeks under the light of the porch.

  “Something foreign to you, something that may just restore order to your life.”

  “Yeah? What’s that?”

  “Fun.”

  “Know where I can find some of that around here?” She bites her lip, and it takes everything I have not to steal it from her. But that’s not what she needs.

  “I may know a guy.”

  A few hours later, the beer tops have collected on the side of the table, along with my newly earned year’s supply of Carmex.

  Scottie holds her cards fanned out in front of her as she worries her lip. “You’re supposed to be teaching me, not humiliating me.”

  “You’ve won a few hands,” I say, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Desire’
s been coursing through me since the second she showed up screaming. Golden ringlets fan her shoulders as her face twists with concentration.

  “Do you…have any twos?”

  “Go fish,” I say, and she immediately bursts out laughing. We’re playing poker, but we’re both pretty shitty at this point. She tosses two cards down, and I draw her two more. She positions them in her hand as I mourn the fact that she’s added another layer of shirt since we sat down. It could have been my earlier comment about the weather conditions, according to her radars.

  Yes, I am that much of an idiot.

  It doesn’t matter. Aside from her sideways glare, I caught the smile on her lips as she covered her nipples.

  That shit was distracting and cost me two hands.

  “Okay, so you finally going to tell me about the Carmex?”

  I stare at the tubes on the table.

  Her face turns a little somber, and I regret the question.

  “Don’t worry,” she assures, “I’m not going to go all Jerry McGuire on you.”

  “Jerry what?”

  “Crazy. You’ve never seen that movie?” She sighs. “I’m so disappointed.”

  “It’s a movie?”

  “Yeah, a damn good one. It starts with a mission statement. He’s a bad guy, well, a shark-like sports agent, and he decides he’s shallow.” She wrinkles her nose. “I’m screwing this up.”

  I sit clueless, and she reacts.

  “Oh, my God, dude—show me the money!”

  “What money?”

  “That’s it,” she says. “You complete me?”

  “Is that a question?” I ask, utterly confused.

  “Surely you know, you had me at hello?”

  My confidence is growing by the second. “I did?”

  Scottie bursts into a fit of laughter that I can’t help but watch for as long as it lasts.

  “This is not happening,” she says with a hiccup. “Promise me right now you will watch that movie.”

  “Promise.” And I will.

  “What were we talking about?” she asks, smiling. God, if she could only see what I see, she would know the truth. She’s not as broken as she thinks she is. Not to downplay what she’s going through, because I know it’s hell, but because of the way she’s still capable of anything and everything she wants to do. I make it a point to remind her of that.