I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  Toby grips the steering wheel tightly and answers without looking at me. “Kihanna, you tried to overdose on anxiety pills.”

  “I didn’t try to overdose,” I tell him. “I took three. Three won’t kill me.”

  “You’re supposed to take one.” His voice sounds angry. “And they love you. That’s why they’re acting like they are. They don’t want to see anything happen to you. Neither do I. It’s just how you’re acting… It’s not normal.”

  “Despite what you think, I’m not trying to kill myself.” I shouldn’t have to tell him this. He should know. “I thought you of all people would understand. I just want to fucking forget it all.”

  “THAT IS WHY THEY THINK YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF!” he yells.

  Toby has never yelled at me. Or at anybody. Toby is the most chill person I have ever met, so it shocks me that he’s talking to me like this. “I don’t understand.”

  “I want you to be better,” he says.

  “It’s going to take more than a few anxiety pills and a trip to a shrink’s office to make me feel better.” My voice is a little snippy, but I can’t help it. I am so tired of this. I can tell that even he thinks I’m suicidal. I’m just dealing with everything in the only way I know how.

  Toby’s voice softens. “I will be here for you through it all. I love you. You’re my sister, but I miss how you were. I know that your mom’s funeral was on Monday, but now is the time to start healing. I want to help you through it. Let me be here for you.”

  “I love you too, Toby. And I promise I will try harder.”

  “Also, do you think you could be nicer to Gabe? The guy is seriously messed up over everything that is happening with you,” Toby says. “He’s so in love with you that he can’t even think straight.”

  I want to tell Toby right now what is happening. And I am about to. But then I remember the fear I felt when I walked into the house and saw Nicholas’s dead body. And the fear I felt when Toby was shot. What if I tell him and the stalker decides to kill him to keep the secret? I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.

  “What are you thinking?” Toby asks.

  “Nothing,” I quickly answer.

  “So you will try to be nice to Gabe tonight?”

  I cannot under any circumstances be nice to Gabe. For all I know, the stalker could be camping out inside Gabe’s house waiting for me to screw up. I know the he or she is very capable of that. So instead I say, “I promise I won’t stab him.” I try to use a joking tone of voice, but it comes out serious… Too serious.

  “Well, I really hope you don’t stab him.”

  “I can’t promise to be nice to him,” I tell Toby. “After what he did to me… I just can’t.”

  “He messed up and he knows that. He freaked out for like two seconds, and he tried to make it right immediately. But you refuse to even talk to him,” he says, shaking his head at me. “You know, I really thought that you were in love with him.”

  “I was.” I am. But I can’t be anymore. I have to move on. I don’t have a choice. “But things have changed. I have changed.”

  We pull up to the front of Gabe’s house, and Toby turns to me. “You’re right, Kihanna. You have changed. And to be honest, I’m not really sure if I like the girl you’ve become.”

  Toby’s word cut through me life a knife. Before I have a chance to respond, he gets out of the car. I sit in there for a few seconds before getting out. Toby is absolutely right. The girl that I have changed into is awful, but there is nothing that I can do about it. I have no control over my life right now. Until I regain control, everybody will just have to deal with it. Me included.

  6:13 PM

  Forever.

  I am an evil bitch.

  But, I am an evil bitch who is keeping Gabriel alive.

  “Hey,” he says to me as I walk into his house.

  His blue eyes light up as he sees me, and my stomach twists into knots. Why does he have to be so damn sexy?

  I pause for a second, but I don’t respond to him. Once I regain my composure, I storm past him and into the sitting area. There is no way that I’m hanging out with him and Toby tonight. It would be too hard to be that close to Gabe and not completely break down. It hurts to be mean to him.

  “So, is this how it’s going to be now?” Gabe asks as he comes into the sitting area. I should have known that he wouldn’t give up that easily.

  I don’t respond to him, or look at him. I can’t.

  “You can’t ignore me forever.”

  Yes, I can. And I will if I have to.

  “Kihanna?”

  Okay, so maybe he’s not going anywhere. So I just need to make him go. I turn to look at him, which I quickly decide is a bad decision. His blue eyes look sad, and now I want to cry. Or kiss him.

  “Gabe, please. Just leave me alone.” I try to keep any emotion out of my voice, but Gabe knows me. He can see right through my façade.

  “Why?” he asks, taking a step close to me. “I know that you still love me. I can see it in your eyes.”

  I don’t say anything. I just look away.

  “Tell me you don’t love me, and I will go away,” he says. “I will leave you alone forever.”

  I’ve always been a really bad liar, but Gabe’s life depends on how well I can tell this lie. I take a deep breath. “Gabe,” I say. “I don’t… l…” I stop mid-sentence. Because I can’t say it. I need to say it, but I can’t. “I just want you to leave me alone.”

  I look up and see Gabe smiling. “That’s good enough for now. I will wait for you, Kihanna Evers. Forever if I have to.”

  Oh, God. I really hope it’s not forever. Because I’m pretty sure resisting him for any amount of time is going to be very difficult.

  Thursday, December 2

  8:01 AM

  I am so pathetic.

  “I am sorry,” Kasbian says as I take my seat beside him in class. I kind of expected this apology yesterday, but I showed up late and left as soon as the bell rang. I am not in the mood to hear his excuses for why he acts the way he does. I still want to avoid him, but I can’t avoid him forever. It would probably be safer for Kasbian if I did. I definitely can’t let my stalker have that kind of a hold on me. Besides, the note said it would be okay as long as I didn’t talk to Gabe.

  “I forgive you,” I say back.

  There. It’s done. Now we can both move on.

  “I know that this is completely sudden, and maybe a little awkward, but I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me on Saturday night.”

  “Like as friends?” I ask. Please, God, let him say just as friends.

  “I mean like a date.”

  I feel sick when he says the word date, because I know I have to turn him down. I had no idea that Kasbian was interested in me, and I have absolutely no interest in him… at least not in the dating kind of way. I mean, he has never even flirted with me before.

  Now things are going to be awkward between Kasbian and me, because I have to turn him down. I am still trying to get over Gabe. I can’t attempt to date somebody else right now. It wouldn’t be fair to him, me, or Gabe.

  “You know that me and Ga… Ty… just broke up?” I ask him. I’m hoping he didn’t catch my slip up, though I’m pretty sure the whole school already knows that I was with Gabe.

  “Yeah, I know,” he answers. “It’s just… when you first moved here, I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to take you out. But then suddenly you came to school one day and said you were dating Ty Newman, and I missed my chance. I don’t want to miss it this time. I am attracted to you. And from what I know so far, I like you. I want a chance to know if there is chemistry between us.”

  Yeah, okay. So maybe I didn’t give him a chance to ask me out before… or anybody for that matter. I moved here, and within a few weeks I was dating Ty. But Kasbian completely ignored me after he found out, so I really don’t know him. But, at the same time, maybe if I date Kasbian the stalker will think I’ve moved on from G
abe… Unless the stalker doesn’t want me with anybody and then decides to threaten Kasbian.

  I feel like I am stuck, and I’m not sure what the right thing is to do.

  “Sure,” I blurt out, even though I know I will regret it. I just don’t want this stalker to control my life. Kasbian is cute, and I think we could have fun hanging out. Besides, a date isn’t commitment anyway. Obviously I don’t want a boyfriend… At least not a boyfriend who isn’t Gabe. But I’m also not going to sit around and cry over a guy that I can’t have.

  Kasbian smiles at me. He does have a nice smile, but it just makes me miss Gabe that much more.

  Ugh. I am so pathetic.

  “I’ll pick you up at seven?” he asks.

  “Sounds great.” But really, I am already dreading it.

  11:13 AM

  World War III.

  “Hey, Skank,” Jacqueline says as I walk out of the bathroom stall.

  I ignore her and wash my hands. She really isn’t worth the effort it takes to respond.

  “I said, hey, Skank,” she says it again as she steps closer to me. Her designer perfume is overpowering.

  “I know you aren’t talking to me,” I finally reply. If I ignore her, she will never go away. “Because the only skank in here is you.”

  “At least I have the decency not to sleep with my boyfriend’s best friend. You on the other hand, well…” she snarls her nose at me. “Everybody knows that you and Gabriel Johnson hooked up.”

  “One — I don’t hook up with guys who aren’t my boyfriend. And two — I never slept with anybody while Ty and I were together…”

  “Oh trust me, I know you didn’t sleep with Ty when you were together. It was over in like two seconds. What a disappointment,” she says, pouting out her lips slightly. “But it doesn’t matter. I got exactly what I wanted. Now you’re alone, and you’re obviously miserable. Score one for me.”

  “I’m not miserable because of Ty Newman,” I tell her. I can’t help but be thrilled by the fact that sex with Ty was over in two seconds. It means she obviously didn’t get any enjoyment out of it.

  “Oh right. I heard how you killed somebody,” she says. “To protect your brother… No, wait… Stepbrother. I always knew there was something going on there. Is that who you were getting it on with while you dated Ty? Is Gabe just your cover-up?”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Obviously.” I start to walk past her, but she pushes me back.

  “I’m not done talking.”

  I think about punching her again, but I’m pretty sure a second time would get me suspended. She’s not worth it. And I’m pretty sure that punching her would ruin my chances of getting into a good college.

  “So hurry up. I have a class to get to,” I say, tapping my foot impatiently against the tile floor.

  “I have a theory. You killed your butler and that other guy because they found Toby and you getting it on,” she says. “It’s really kind of sick, but it makes sense. You need to keep your little relationship a secret, right?”

  I take a deep breath and count backwards from ten inside my head.

  She fake pouts. “Do you have nothing to say to that? Do you want to kill me now because I found out your little secret?”

  “Jacqueline, you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” I tell her. I’ve had enough. “I don’t regret killing the guy who shot my brother, because he was going to kill the both of us if I didn’t. I guess I feel remorse? Yes. I took somebody else’s life. That will never go away. Ever. But if you really want to know why I’m sad, it’s because my mother died this weekend. I didn’t even know she was sick when she sent me here. But even though she’s dead, I can feel good about the fact that my mom loved me so much that she did everything she could in order to protect me. She sent me here so I didn’t have to watch her die. And it’s the kind of love that somebody like you couldn’t possibly understand. So say whatever the hell you want. Just know that I don’t give a fuck. Not about you, not about Ty, and certainly not what anybody has to say about me.”

  I brush past her, and she doesn’t stop me this time.

  What I said was cruel, and maybe I am a bitch for saying it, but I am so over her drama.

  I just hope I didn’t just declare World War III.

  12:06 PM

  I promise.

  Today, Courtney is completely back to normal… Well, I suppose I wouldn’t say normal. She is still extremely hyper, and I would say that it’s just Courtney, but this is excessive… even for her.

  “I have some kind of exciting news,” she tells Victoria, Ariana, and I. “So you know how Emmett and I went to homecoming together, and we’ve kind of been hanging out lately?”

  Actually, I didn’t know that. Why didn’t I? I know that I’ve been a little bit out of it, but have I really been that bad? I guess I have, because both Victoria and Ariana are nodding their heads yes.

  “Well, Emmett asked me last night if I wanted to be his girlfriend. And I said yes.”

  Ariana and Victoria both let out little girly squeals, and I congratulate her. I am genuinely thrilled. When I first met Emmett, I didn’t think he was the type of guy to be in a relationship. I’m glad Courtney is who he decided to commit to. They’re kind of perfect for each other… And maybe now that she’s with him, things will go back to normal again? Maybe that’s why she was uptight? I really hope so.

  My mind goes back to the invitation I got to Emmett’s party. On the back of the invitation was a letter from my stalker.

  Could my stalker be Courtney?

  I drop my fork, and it clinks against the table before falling to the floor. The three girls turn to look at me.

  “Kihanna, are you alright?” Victoria asks. “Your face is ghostly white.”

  No. No. No. Courtney can’t be my stalker.

  She was the first person at the school to befriend me.

  Obviously, there aren’t any other clues pointing to her, and I’m not going to confront her right here. If she really is the stalker, I’m going to need a plan. So, I force a smile as I look at my three best friends.

  “Yes, I am completely fine. I’m sorry. I just checked out for a moment.”

  They all look at me sympathetically, and for a moment I wonder if all three of them are in on it. Obviously this is something huge. Whoever is stalking me can’t be doing it all on their own… but I feel bad for even thinking it. They’re my best friends.

  “Kihanna?” I hear a familiar voice behind me, and I turn to see Ty. He looks sad, and I know it’s because of me. I broke his heart, but he deserved it. He cheated on me with that skank. “I was wondering if we could talk… alone.”

  I look and see that Gabe is staring right at us. “Fine. Meet me by my locker in five minutes.” I know that if Ty and I walk out together, Gabe will come too. That is absolutely the last thing I need right now. If Ty wants to talk, I’ll listen. After three months, he deserves closure. So do I.

  I watch Ty leave the cafeteria, and I wait two more minutes before I get up and head out. Thankfully Gabe does not follow me. When I get to my locker, Ty is waiting for me.

  “What do you want, Ty?” I ask him. I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

  “I just want to talk to you. You won’t ever answer your phone, and anytime I try to talk to you at school your new boyfriend tries to beat the shit out of me,” he says.

  “Gabe isn’t my boyfriend. He was just there for me when you weren’t,” I say. “Ty, you cheated on me. I’m sorry that I can just get over it.”

  “I know that I messed up big time,” he says. “And I will regret it every single day for the rest of my life. I just need you.”

  The rest of his life? I want to laugh at that. “Ty, we are seventeen, and we dated three months. I’m pretty sure you will get over me. Probably sooner rather than later. You just clearly need to find somebody else. You’re attractive. I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard for you to get a new girlfriend.”

  “
I don’t want a new girlfriend. I want you, Kihanna. I love you. You’re the one. I will never find anybody that I want more than I want you,” he says.

  “You’re being dramatic,” I tell him.

  “Please, will you give me a second chance? I promise that I won’t screw it up this time. I will do anything to be with you again.”

  “I’m sorry, Ty. No.”

  Ty sighs. “I’m sorry. I will find a way to make it up to you. I promise.”

  He turns and walks the other way, and I let out a sigh of relief.

  I really hope Ty gets over me soon, because I am so over being nice to him. He cheated on me, and quite honestly, I’d like to slap him, but at this point, showing Ty any emotion would just give him hope. And there is none. Except maybe as a friend. I think maybe we could eventually be friends, but definitely not right now.

  The bell signaling the end of lunch goes off, and the hallway is soon crowded. As I walk to my next class, I pass Gabe. He doesn’t see me, but the look on his face breaks my heart.

  I am hurting him.

  You’re keeping him alive, I remind myself. Too bad it doesn’t help the pain that I feel in my chest.

  Someday, I will get to explain everything to him. When that day comes, I hope that he can forgive me for how I am treating him. I just hope that between now and then he doesn’t stop loving me.

  7:13 PM

  Family dinner.

  My dad got in from his business trip this afternoon, so tonight we are having family dinner. I’ve been here four months and we have not had family dinner once. Of course my family decides to have family dinner the one time I’m trying to avoid them. We all pile into my dad’s new SUV, which is a shock. We have never all rode in the same vehicle. There are four people in this family, and generally when we go somewhere, we take four cars.

  I know that they are doing this because they are concerned about me. I love them for that, but part of me wishes that they didn’t care. If they didn’t, maybe it would be easier to deal with this stalker in peace. I don’t want to put them in harm — ever.