I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  “You wouldn’t last one winter in St. Louis,” I tell him, rolling my eyes.

  “I always enjoy when we go up to the mountains,” he says. “I just want it to be warm here all the time.”

  “This is warm.” I take a deep breath. I really have to stop stalling. I have to say it now. “I have something to tell you.”

  “Okay,” he says. “What’s up?”

  “Last night Toby and I went to Ty’s house because I needed to talk to him,” I say. “I had heard a rumor about Lily, and I wanted to find out the truth.”

  I can see the hurt on Gabe’s face. “So instead of coming to me, you went to him?”

  I nod. “Because you’ve lied to me twice before.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  I clear my throat. “So you and Ty dated Lily at the same time?”

  Gabe nods but doesn’t say a word.

  “And you were both… sleeping with her…”

  Gabe nods again.

  “But you didn’t love her.” It’s not a question.

  “No. I used her. So did Ty. I wanted to love her, I just… couldn’t.”

  “I just need to know… Am I just apart of some sick game you and Ty have going on? Or do you really have feelings for me? Please be honest.” I bite my lip as I wait for his response.

  “You’re not a game,” he says, telling me the same thing Ty did. “After I killed Lily, I changed.”

  “Killing somebody will do that to you,” I say, wishing that I didn’t know what it was like to take a life.

  “You killed somebody to protect Toby and yourself. I killed somebody because I was a fucking idiot. There is a huge difference,” he says.

  “Maybe, but it doesn’t change the fact that we both took another human being’s life. I just feel bad for her because she was…” I cut off. I almost said pregnant, but I am not telling him that. He would just feel even more guilty. “… really young,” I finish. Ty may be a jealous idiot, but he was right. Gabe doesn’t need to know that Lily was pregnant when she died.

  “She was a good person,” he says. “At least she was before Ty and I got a hold of her. That’s what we did. We fucked people up. But I changed.”

  “Not Ty?” I ask.

  Gabe shrugs. “I don’t know, honestly. Ty hasn’t seemed to change. I mean, he was different with you, but then he cheated on you…”

  I can see good in Ty. I know he messed up, but I can see that he genuinely wants to change. Someday, I truly believe he will find somebody he’s willing to change for. “I need to know that you will be honest with me from now on. I can’t be in a relationship with somebody I don’t trust, and to be honest, I really don’t trust you right now.”

  “Okay,” Gabe says. “I promise from now on that I will be completely honest with you. And I am sorry that I wasn’t honest. I guess I thought that if you knew the real truth, you wouldn’t want to be with me. But I’m not that person anymore.”

  “I know.” And I do. Gabe can’t change his past, and I have to accept his past for what it is — his past. I just wish his past was less morbid.

  3:51 PM

  You’re such a guy.

  Tonight we are having family dinner, and while I hate the circumstances that led up to us having family dinners, I’m glad that we are having them. As always, family dinner includes having Jack, Libby, and Gabe over… and it, of course, means dressing up. Gabe and I head over to my house early so I can get ready. Veronica is waiting by the front door when I come in.

  “Hello, Gabe,” she says to him. “Kihanna, I picked up the most amazing dress for you today. I laid it on your bed.”

  I smile and am surprised that I don’t have to fake it. “Thanks, Veronica. I’ll go get ready.”

  She stops me. “Just so you know, you and I are going shopping after brunch. We leave Saturday for our cruise, and you need clothes. So tomorrow will be spent shopping and packing. Don’t make plans.”

  I hate shopping. It’s fun for the first hour or two, but knowing Veronica, we will be at it for many hours. “Great,” I say with fake enthusiasm. Though, I am excited about the cruise. Maybe I will be less sad about my mom being dead during Christmas if we’re in Hawaii.

  I grab Gabe’s arm and pull him up the stairs. Once we are in my room, I grab my dress off my bed, and Gabe lies down. I can tell that his ribs are bothering him.

  I look at the dress. It’s a multi-purple, pink, black and green tree silhouette pattern. It has a square neckline, and it’s an A-line dress. It’s weird, but I like it. I’m glad that Veronica is sort of learning my style.

  “Are you excited about shopping tomorrow?” Gabe asks. I can tell by his tone of voice that he’s joking.

  “No. I am so not excited. I despise shopping,” I tell him. “Part of me wishes Toby was a girl so I didn’t have to do all this girly stuff.”

  Gabe laughs. “Toby would be a very ugly girl.”

  “I disagree. Toby has his beautiful big blue eyes, and blonde hair. He’d probably be a pretty hot girl,” I tell him. “In fact, you’d probably be dating him… or… er… her… instead of me.”

  “No way.” Gabe stands up and walks over toward me. He puts his arms around my waist and pulls me tight against him. “Nobody could ever compare to you, Kihanna. When are you going to finally understand? You’re it for me.”

  My heart slams against my chest, and my knees feel weak. I lean into his embrace, and I kiss him. It’s the first kiss we’ve shared since last week at the theme park… since his accident… and I had forgotten how damn good his mouth tastes.

  Gabe runs his hands down my back, and I play with his hair. I hear him moan against my mouth, and heat rushes through my body. I feel frantic. Suddenly, he’s not close enough, and there are way too many layers of clothing between us. I start to pull off his shirt when my door opens. We both pull away from each other.

  I really have got to remember to lock my door.

  I look to see Victoria and Toby standing there. Toby is smiling, and Victoria’s mouth is slightly hanging open.

  “You do know that you can’t have sex for at least a month with a broken rib,” Toby says. “If you do, you could actually hurt him worse, and the healing process would start all over again.”

  Yeah, I actually didn’t know that. I look at Gabe. He smiles. “What? It was totally worth the risk.”

  “Yeah, we aren’t having sex until next year,” I tell him. “On January sixth.”

  I count the days in my head. Yeah. This is pretty much going to suck.

  “We can do other stuff until then.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

  I turn to Toby and Victoria. “What do you want, Toby?”

  “Oh right. I was just stopping by to say hi. Victoria is staying for dinner tonight,” he says.

  I look at Victoria and then back at Toby. “Did you tell her about our family dinners?”

  “How epic and awesome they are?” he asks. “Yep. Our family is close like that.”

  I laugh. “Right.”

  “Well, we are just going to go,” Toby says.

  Victoria waves at me, and I close the door as they leave.

  I turn to Gabe. “Gabriel Johnson, I am pissed at you. Why didn’t you tell me that you couldn’t have sex?”

  “Because I can,” he says. “It would just hurt like hell… and possibly make it worse. But it would be totally worth it.”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re such a guy.”

  7:00 PM

  Twenty cats.

  I don’t get why we have to dress up for family dinners — especially since we’re having dinner at home. It’s weird. I’m thinking it must be Veronica. She loves anything that involves dressing up. She was made for this life. Not that I don’t love the cute dress and shoes. I do, but I prefer hoodies and jeans. I like being comfortable, especially in my own home.

  Victoria looks cute. Her red hair is curled, and she’s wearing a green dress. Green looks good on her. I can tell she’s nervous. She’s heard all
the horror stories about family meals from me. I watch as Toby grabs her hand, and I can’t help but smile. Toby isn’t exactly a hand-holding kind of guy, so it’s really sweet. I think he really likes her.

  “How are you feeling?” Jack asks me.

  “Better,” I answer. “Thanks for asking.”

  “So, just to clarify,” my dad says, “you two are together right now? Right?”

  Heat rushes into my cheeks, but I nod. I hate that Gabe and I had to pretend not to be together so much. I’m just glad the stalker is okay with our relationship.

  For now.

  Gabe grabs my hand. “I don’t plan on ever letting her go again.”

  Dad nods. “We’ll see.”

  “Come on, Mark,” Libby says. “Don’t you remember what it was like to be young? All that angst. Certainly you had a girlfriend that you dated off and on like that.”

  He looks at me as he responds. “Actually, I did. I dated Kihanna’s mom off and on all throughout high school and most of college. I probably would’ve married her if she hadn’t dumped me. I was too young, stupid, and prideful too fight for her.”

  “It worked out well for you,” she says, as Veronica walks to the table.

  Dad smiles at Veronica. “Yeah, it did.”

  Even though I know Dad is happy with Veronica, I can hear the regret in his voice. He wishes things would’ve worked out different with my mom. She was his one true love. And part of me wishes it would’ve worked out differently too, but things are the way they are supposed to be.

  “Victoria, you look beautiful,” Veronica tells her.

  All it takes to get Veronica’s approval is a designer dress… Okay, that’s not true, but it definitely helps.

  “Thanks,” Victoria says. Her face turns a little red, and it’s weird seeing her this shy. She’s always so outgoing when it’s just us.

  “Is there any more word on what started the fire at Ishmales on Thursday night?” Jack asks my dad.

  “It was a grease fire,” Dad answers. “It doesn’t explain how it spread so quickly though. They’re still looking into it. They’re reviewing all the surveillance videos. I’m just glad that nobody was killed or seriously injured. Right now, we’re trying to figure out how Kihanna got locked in the bathroom. Somebody jammed that door purposely, that much is obvious.”

  “Could it be the same person who cut Gabriel’s brake lines?” Jack asks, then turns to Gabe and me. “Do you know if there is there somebody who would want to hurt you?”

  We both shake our heads. I am a really bad liar, so they will know if I say anything. I am just going to keep my mouth shut, and try to keep my face void of any emotions.

  “I have detectives looking into the break in,” Dad says to Jack. “Whoever it is paid that guy a ransom, but it was a very clean pay day. There is no paper trail, and it’s almost impossible to track. But maybe I’m leading them in the wrong direction. Maybe it’s not me they’re after. Maybe it’s one of the kids.”

  Fuck.

  Dad can’t figure this out. He absolutely cannot. I’ve already lost one parent, and I refuse to lose another.

  “I’m sure this is all just a coincidence,” I say.

  “It’s a coincidence that somebody broke into our house, that Gabriel’s brake lines were cut, and you were nearly killed in a fire just in the past three weeks?” Dad asks, making me sound like a complete idiot.

  “That’s not all that is going on,” Victoria says to my dad. “A girl at our school, Jacqueline Hoff, is missing. The cops have no idea what happened, but they’re calling it an abduction.”

  Dad looks at me, and his intense gaze scares me. “You know what I’m thinking… maybe I should get you a bodyguard.”

  “No!” I yell, then lower my voice. “Absolutely not. I have Toby and Gabe.”

  “And Ty Newman too,” Toby says with a smug smile.

  I glare at him.

  “I thought you dumped Ty,” Dad says.

  “I did. And we have been broken up since before Thanksgiving,” I tell him. “But Ty and I are friends.”

  “Oh my God, don’t get back with Ty,” Veronica says. “That boy is wretched.”

  “Is that why you were asking about him yesterday?” Victoria asks.

  “No way.” Wow. Am I going to be the target of the whole family dinner discussion? “Can we please talk about something else? Like maybe Hawaii?”

  “Is that where you’re spending your Christmas vacation?” Victoria asks.

  “Yeah,” Toby answers. “We go there every year. It’s a tradition.”

  “I’m jealous. I have to go visit my grandma and her twenty cats in Manhattan.” She crinkles her nose. “I swear I can smell her cats in my nose for months after I get back. I’m hoping this year my parents won’t force me to go. I turn eighteen next month, but I swear they still think I’m eight sometimes.”

  “I’ll send you lots of pictures,” I tell her jokingly.

  I can’t wait to get on that cruise ship. There will be an entire ocean between my stalker and me. Certainly he or she won’t follow me across the Pacific… hopefully.

  Victoria pretends to scratch her nose and discreetly flips me off.

  This is why I love her. She’s so random.

  The conversation of me is finally dropped, and we actually have a fairly normal family dinner… As normal as possible with us.

  10:17 PM

  History.

  After dinner, Gabe goes home with his parents. His mom says he needs to rest. He complains, but I tell him the sooner her gets better the sooner we can have sex again. He gladly went home after that.

  Victoria and Toby go to see a movie, which both shocks and thrills me. Toby usually just takes a girl straight to his bedroom. Of course, I do plan on talking to Victoria about her intentions. I don’t want her to break my stepbrother’s heart.

  Since it’s a little bit chilly tonight, I decide to read in the hot tub. Kasbian was right about one thing — I have left a lot of Kihanna Foster behind, but I intend to find her again.

  The back door opens, and I jump at the noise, nearly dropping my iPad into the water. I put my hand over my frantically beating heart when I see my dad walk out.

  “You scared me,” I tell him.

  He climbs into the hot tub, and sits on the opposite side. “Sorry.”

  He has that look on his face… You know, the we need to talk face. “So what’s up?” I ask, putting my iPad down. I was just getting to the good part of the book.

  “Can’t I hang out with my daughter without there being something wrong?”

  “Dad, you’re kind of easy to read. I know you want to say something, so you might as well just spit it out.”

  “Fine,” he says. “I know that there is something going on with you. I don’t know what it is, but I would really like it if you told me.”

  “Nothing is wrong.” I hope he buys the lie. “I mean, I’ve been going through a lot lately, but I’m perfectly fine.”

  “There is nothing going on at school? Maybe somebody who is bullying you, or targeting you?” he asks.

  I want to tell him the truth, but I can’t. With my mom gone, I can’t take any chances. My stalker has made it very clear that he or she doesn’t want anybody else to know. I have Gabe, Toby, and Ty. That has to be enough for now.

  “No,” I answer.

  “You know that you could tell me, right? You can trust me.”

  Guilt washes over me, and I feel my stomach tighten. I hate that I’m lying to my dad right now. It’s not fair. “I know, Dad. I do trust you. There just isn’t anything to tell.”

  He forces a smile, and I can tell that he knows I’m lying. “Is it Gabe? Is he being abusive? Or has he done something to you?”

  My eyes widen in shock. “Dad, Gabriel has been nothing but a gentleman, besides he’s been in bed the past week. Are you forgetting he still has a concussion and broken ribs?”

  “Okay,” he says. “I just… I don’t know what to think, Kihanna.
I know that there is something, and I don’t know what to do or say. I wish your mom was still around. She would know what to do.”

  Tears fill my eyes and threaten to spill over. “Mom always knew what to do. I swear, she was a genius at life.”

  “It’s what happens when you grow up,” Dad says. “Stuff that seems so important now won’t seem so important in five years.”

  “I suppose.” I shrug, but what is important to me right now will definitely be important in five years. My family will always be number one to me. “In five years, I will be graduated from college.”

  “It seems like it’s a long ways off, but college graduation will be here before you know it,” he says. “Then you’ll be getting married and having kids, then your kids will be going off to college.”

  Dad sounds sad. Though I would be too if I missed the first seventeen years of my child’s life.

  “Don’t be sad,” I tell him. “Most parents have a lot more time to prepare for their kids to leave for college.”

  “True.”

  “Why didn’t you ever have more kids?” I ask.

  “I want to,” he says. “Veronica and I tried, but it just never happened. I am satisfied though. I have you and Toby. You two are all I need.”

  “Maybe you should adopt a kid.”

  “I’m too old now.”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re not even forty yet. You’re definitely not too old to have another kid.”

  “Like I said, you and Toby are all I need,” he says. “Plus, running my company is more than a full-time job.”

  “Is that your way of saying that Toby and I are a handful, and you couldn’t handle another kid?” I joke.

  “Exactly.”

  “I have another question,” I tell him. “Did you ever look my mom up after you broke up? To see how she was doing?”

  Dad looks uncomfortable with my question, but he nods his head. “Actually, I did. Right when Staying Connected started becoming popular. I looked at her profile. I thought about messaging her, but I chickened out. Soon after that I met Veronica, and I didn’t give it anymore thought.”