The Final Exam

by Gitty Daneshvari

  “Um, I’ve been sitting down for almost ten minutes. If I’m not careful I could pull a muscle.”

  Having had their curiosity piqued by Madeleine’s scream, the Contrarians quickly made their way over to Lulu and Theo. There were few things that intrigued them quite as much as shrieking—mostly because they associated it with highly hazardous activities.

  “That was so cool! Did you light her shower cap on fire? Burning plastic is my favorite!” Fitzy declared enthusiastically.

  “Fire! Fire! Fire!” Bard and Herman chanted disturbingly while tossing Petey the stuffed red snake back and forth.

  “Did you know that one hundred twenty-four people in the United States died from snake bites in 2009, and another four hundred four urinated on themselves at the sight of a snake? That’s four hundred four ruined pairs of slacks and skirts,” Theo said, motioning to Petey.

  “Theo,” Lulu said with a sigh, “some facts, especially ones concerning bodily functions, are better kept to yourself or, if absolutely necessary, written in your diary.”

  “I don’t have a diary; I have a mournal, aka a manly journal, in which I write very manly thoughts. Things like ‘spend more time at Home Depot’ and ‘find out where Zac Efron shops,’ ” Theo proudly explained to Lulu.

  “Wait a second, what were we talking about again? It’s like my mind just erased itself,” Fitzy grunted, rubbing his temples.

  “That is so weird; you really don’t remember what we were talking about?” Lulu asked, prompting all three Contrarians to shake their heads. “You were telling us where you stashed Toothpaste.”

  “What’s this about toothpaste?” Fitzy asked before pausing, “Oh, you’re talking about that bird.”

  “Please don’t tell me you killed him,” Theo mumbled before dramatically covering his mouth with his hands.

  “No way. I promised my mom I wouldn’t kill anything this summer,” Fitzy responded casually.

  “What have you killed before?” Theo inquired nervously.

  “Snails, but it was a total accident. They crawled right in front of my golf cart. But since I’d stolen the cart, I couldn’t stop and do mouth-to-mouth.”

  “This place should be renamed the Convict Conservatory. We’re looking at the future criminals of America right here,” Theo announced judgmentally to Lulu.

  “Thanks,” Fitzy said with a nod before he and the other Contrarians wandered off into the night.

  “He would think that’s a compliment,” Theo mumbled as he and Lulu made their way back to the Contrary Conservatory.

  Upon entering the house, Theo and Lulu discovered the other School of Fearians eavesdropping through the Standing-Room-Only Sitting Room door. Ever the snoops, they immediately joined their classmates, eagerly pressing their ears against the wood.

  “Celery wants to know if you could possibly breathe any louder?” Hyacinth whispered as she strained to hear over Theo’s bulldog-like panting.

  “Well, excuse me for having a deviated septum!”

  “Did you get anything out of the Contrarians?” Garrison asked Lulu, totally ignoring both Hyacinth and Theo.

  “Does a headache count?” Lulu replied, rolling her eyes. “I know it’s hard to believe, but they actually might be dumber than we previously thought and, surprisingly, that’s not a good thing.”

  The sound of Basmati’s voice instantly silenced the School of Fearians.

  “You are despicable! You hate your own stepson!” Basmati screeched at a near-deafening decibel level.

  “That is entirely untrue! I never said any such thing! Nor did I have an affair with an alien!” Mrs. Wellington replied furiously.

  “Oh, stop lying! That alien was the love of your life! It was Abernathy’s father you hated!” Basmati countered fiercely.

  The impact of such a statement momentarily silenced everyone.

  “She would never have said she hated my father. Me, maybe, but never my father,” Abernathy said weakly, clearly exhausted by the dueling eccentrics.

  “You are my husband’s son; I could no more hate you than I could hate him,” Mrs. Wellington choked out, her voice overwhelmed with emotion.

  “Wow, Basmati knows what he’s doing,” Lulu whispered with great surprise.

  “Does this mean the plan’s actually going to work?” Madeleine asked skeptically.

  “I think so,” Garrison replied optimistically.

  “High fives all around!” Hyacinth said excitedly.

  And so the group happily slapped hands before making their way downstairs, blissfully unaware what the night had in store for them.

  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Atychiphobia is the fear

  of failure.

  At exactly 2:38 AM a figure shrouded in darkness slipped silently into the Contrary Conservatory’s subterranean basement. The silhouette crept cautiously on tiptoes toward the mound of sleeping School of Fearians. Macaroni, sandwiched between Lulu and Garrison, once again proved his complete and utter ineptitude as a watchdog. Not only did he fail to bark, he failed to even wake up as the sinister figure stood watch over the unsuspecting students. Rather shockingly, the first to take notice of the intruder was none other than the ferret. However, due to some unresolved issues over Hyacinth’s inaccurate translations of her chirps, Celery decided against waking her owner.

  The shadowy stranger cast a large fishing net over the slumbering students and animals. Of course, as Madeleine slept upright, the net settled atop her head, creating an inadvertent tent. In a most disturbing coincidence, this act occurred just as Madeleine dreamed of being ambushed by a gargantuan spider. Caught unceremoniously between a nightmare and a confusing reality, Madeleine panicked. Convinced that a monstrous spider was fast approaching, she decided upon a most unlikely form of self-defense: kung fu. Madeleine had never so much as taken a lesson, but she had once spent an entire night watching Jackie Chan films with her cousin Chester.

  “What’s happening?” Lulu screamed groggily as Madeleine’s arms and legs whipped around inside the tent.

  “It’s Spidzilla!” Madeleine shrieked as she continued her aggressive assault on the imaginary spider.

  “Oh, no, I’m a dolphin trapped in a fishing net!” Theo moaned, clearly still half asleep. “I need to get back in the water before I die!”

  “What water?” Garrison screamed. “Did the pipes burst?”

  “We need to get out of here!” Lulu hollered.

  “This is the craziest bestie bonding ever,” Hyacinth squealed energetically as the chaos continued.

  After realizing that the pipes hadn’t actually burst, Garrison navigated his way through the sea of arms and legs and out from under the net. Recalling the location of the light switch from memory, he clumsily felt around the wall. Seconds later light burst into the dark room like an atomic explosion. As the children’s eyes adjusted, they focused in on the intruder. Standing before them in pink pajamas and a butchered wig was their teacher, Mrs. Wellington.

  “Are you going to tell us what’s going on, or do I need to start yelling?” Garrison exploded, clearly annoyed by the late-night visit.

  Mrs. Wellington’s lips turned crimson as she stared intently at Garrison. Feeling terribly ill at ease, the boy removed the net and rejoined his peers on the floor. As the old woman continued to stare at her students, Schmidty shuffled sleepily into the basement.

  “My apologies, children. Madame insisted on waking you up with a fishing net. And as usual I haven’t the faintest idea as to the logic behind such behavior.”

  “It’s terribly simple, old man; my contestants are acting like a bunch of scared little goldfish, so I decided to treat them as such.”

  Perched before them with her right knee bent and her left hand on her hip, Mrs. Wellington emitted such raw emotion that the students momentarily looked away. Anger, disappointment, and anxiety appeared to be exploding from each and every inch of the old woman’s crinkled skin.

  “I have long considered you a
special lot, a group of all-stars, a league of students different from the rest. Courageous, intelligent, and loyal, you stood apart. You were ready and willing to battle anything to conquer your fears. And with this in mind, I made a promise to Basmati. But somehow, here I am, standing before you… painfully aware that I was mistaken.”

  “Oh, no!” Madeleine gasped, absolutely heartbroken. “What have we done?”

  Madeleine had long prided herself on being a first-rate student, one who never misses an assignment or disappoints a teacher.

  “In the short time since we have arrived at the Contrary Conservatory, Basmati has progressed in leaps and bounds with Abernathy, pushing him to the very edge of forgiveness. And you have done nothing but give in to your fears, inadvertently sabotaging the mission. Toothpaste is a talking canary; how hard could it possibly be to find him?” Mrs. Wellington shouted, literally frothing at the mouth.

  “Madame, please try to remain calm.”

  “If you don’t find that bird by tomorrow at sundown, Basmati will forever turn Abernathy against me. And he is not a man to be trifled with; he takes his agreements as seriously as I do my makeup. With a few slips of the tongue he could annihilate any future chances with my stepson. And in case you’ve forgotten, without Abernathy’s forgiveness, I lose the school.”

  “I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t understand. Basmati has made tremendous progress with Abernathy, and yet you think he might turn him back against you?” Madeleine asked, clearly confused by the logic of the situation.

  “Basmati’s an absolute genius at mimicking people’s handwriting; he could write up a few horrid letters and destroy all chances of reconciliation with Abernathy within minutes!”

  “But is Basmati really that heartless?” Theo inquired. “I thought you guys have known each other for years.”

  “In the words of Basmati, a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal—”

  “Yes, Madame,” Schmidty interrupted. “I’m quite sure we get the point.”

  “I understand why you’re angry, but honestly, Mrs. Wellington, we’ve been trying! Today we followed the Contrarians for hours, and not once did they check on Toothpaste. It just doesn’t make sense,” Lulu said with frustration.

  “The contestants I know, or at least the ones I thought I knew, would find a way—they wouldn’t just give in to their weaknesses. What happened to my warriors? I thought you were going to save the school, not just for yourselves, but for all the other kids like you,” Mrs. Wellington said solemnly before sashaying out of the basement.

  The School of Fearians winced at the sound of the door closing. They actually felt their teacher’s disappointment, much like a slap to the face. Ashamed of their own cowardice, all five of them directed their gaze at the floor.

  “Children, I think it best for you all to try to get some sleep now. If we are to find Toothpaste and face Sylvie Montgomery tomorrow, we need to be well rested,” Schmidty told them. Then, after a few sweet smiles and nods of his head, he prepared to trek back upstairs to the attic.

  “Schmidty?” Garrison called out as the old man reached the top of the basement stairs.

  “Yes?”

  “We’re sorry we let you down.”

  “You haven’t let me down at all. I’m only worried you’ll let yourselves down…”

  The soft sound of Schmidty closing the door behind him heightened the children’s profound state of sadness. Since arriving at School of Fear, they had managed to rise to every occasion. Yet this time, they couldn’t. This time, they’d failed.

  While the others remained shell-shocked by their emotions, Hyacinth’s eyes welled with tears. But as she hadn’t any tissues, she used Celery’s fluffy body to dab at her eyes.

  “This whole thing is my fault! If I hadn’t told Sylvie about School of Fear, none of this would have happened.” Hyacinth wailed, blowing her nose into Celery’s fur, much to the animal’s displeasure.

  “When I sit back and think about it, I guess this whole thing did start with you, Hyacinth,” Theo acquiesced as he watched Celery try to clean her snot- tear-soaked body.

  “Shame on you! What a dreadful thing to say!” Madeleine scolded Theo.

  “What? It’s true, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, Theo, it’s true. But you must remember that it’s also true that Hyacinth wouldn’t have even met Sylvie if you and Garrison hadn’t abandoned her at the Pageant for Pooches!”

  Garrison closed his eyes as memories of his own poor behavior came rushing back. If he and Theo had stuck with Hyacinth, as they were supposed to, none of this would have happened. As guilt gnawed away at him, he struggled to figure out what was bothering him more—his actions or being called out on them by Madeleine.

  “Theo, Madeleine’s right. We’re just as responsible for this disaster as Hyacinth. Maybe even more so, actually. After all, we’re older than she is, and we should have known better,” Garrison said, shaking his head remorsefully.

  “Not to get technical, but you’re older than I am, too, so does that make this…” Theo said before trailing off under Lulu and Madeleine’s harsh glares.

  “I think Schmidty was right. We have a big day tomorrow; let’s try to get some sleep,” Garrison said as he laid his head on Macaroni’s pillow-like belly.

  “Not to go against Schmidty’s suggestion, but I don’t think we should go to sleep until we have a plan,” Theo said, looking enviously at Garrison’s head atop the dog’s soft tummy.

  “It’s the middle of the night, and no one is thinking clearly. I say we wait until morning, when we’re well rested,” Garrison shot back, muffling a yawn.

  “But we made today’s plans when we were well rested, and they were both total failures.”

  “Actually,” Lulu corrected Theo, “our stakeout wasn’t a failure. It totally could have worked if Shower Cap hadn’t screamed at the top of her lungs over some millipede. I mean, for all we know they were just about to check on Toothpaste when she blew a gasket.”

  “Why are you suddenly calling me Shower Cap, Lulu? And I must say I don’t take kindly to being scapegoated for the mission’s failure!”

  “Fine,” Lulu relented. “I won’t call you Shower Cap anymore, but truthfully, I don’t even know why you’re wearing one! When have you ever heard of a spider or bug laying eggs in someone’s hair? I’ll tell you—never!”

  “How would you know? Are you running a bug-and-spider institute on the side? Are you collecting data about hair invasions? I don’t think so! And while I’ll admit I don’t know anyone personally that it’s happened to, I’ve read at least two accounts on the Internet. So please keep that in mind when you mock my shower cap!”

  “You need to take off the shower cap… now,” Lulu declared authoritatively.

  “Excuse me, Lulu, but you are not my mum. I do not take orders from you. And might I remind you that two boys had to sit on top of you on the plane so you would make it through the takeoff? You’re hardly in a position to look down your nose at my shower cap!”

  “Lulu was acting kind of crazy on the plane,” Theo agreed.

  “Said the boy who bought parachutes from a homeless man,” Lulu retorted harshly.

  “Honestly, Theo, I don’t know what you were thinking,” Garrison said, shaking his head at the plump-faced boy.

  “Well, at least I didn’t almost let Sylvie in here because I was too scared to walk over a little tiny bridge!” Theo yelled at Garrison.

  “Enough!” Lulu shouted. “I didn’t mean to start all this! I just meant that Maddie is better than that shower cap. We’re all better than the way we’ve been behaving.”

  “Thank you, Lulu,” Madeleine said quietly, surprised by the sudden shift in the conversation.

  “Tomorrow, when we take down Bard, Herman, and Fitzy and finally find this talking canary, let’s do it as our best selves. The ones Mrs. Wellington helped us become,” Lulu said sincerely.

  “Oh, Lulu, I love it when your other personality comes ou
t! She’s so inspiring, it’s almost better than Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture!” Theo said honestly.

  “Who’s Randy Pausch?” Lulu responded.

  “Doesn’t anyone watch YouTube anymore?” Theo answered, exasperated.

  “Randy Pausch was an incredible man who decided to record his thoughts on life for his children after he learned he was dying. He understood the importance of letting go of fear and living your life to the fullest. And that’s exactly what he did, even as he faced a certain and fast-approaching death,” Madeleine explained to the group.

  “I want to be the best Hyhy I can be! Super Hyhy!” Hyacinth blurted out. “So Celery and I are going upstairs to sleep by ourselves…”

  “What?” the group responded in unison.

  “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I want to be my best self. And in order for that to happen, I need to know that I can handle being alone, or at least alone with my ferret.”

  “Hyacinth, Celery,” Theo said, gulping emotionally, “I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye—and I mean that literally, as you are both much shorter than I am, and also figuratively, as our personalities have frequently clashed. But right now, in this moment, I am so proud of you both. And the fact that I won’t have to listen to Celery chirp tonight in her sleep, well, that’s just an added bonus.”

  “Thanks, bestie,” Hyacinth said, playfully punching Theo’s arm.

  “Careful, I bruise easy.”

  “Oh, sorry, bestie!” Hyacinth said before she leaned in to listen to her ferret. “Oh, and Celery wanted me to tell you that even though your breath is super stinky in the morning, she’s going to miss waking up with you.”

  “That ferret,” Theo muttered as Hyacinth and Celery bounded out of the basement. “Always has to get one last dig in.”

  “Okay, so the plan is we come up with a plan in the morning. And whatever plan we come up with, we do it as our best selves,” Garrison confusingly explained to Theo, Lulu, and Madeleine.

  “Wait, so what’s the plan?” Theo asked, yawning. “Sorry—I sort of spaced out there for a second. I was thinking about my breath. Is it really that bad in the morning? I mean, is it worse than Macaroni’s?”