by Sarah Daltry
“Seriously?” I ask. “Are you stalking me?”
“Yeah, because I desperately want to stalk an uptight princess who cannot even pay attention to where she is going. If you must know, I just got off work.”
“Oh yeah. You work at that cafe,” I say, gesturing in the general direction of the restaurant where Derek and I had breakfast only a few days ago. It comes across as a friendly statement, though, which doesn’t reflect the fact that I think he’s a dick.
“I do and the fact that you know that makes me think you may be stalking me.”
“You wish.”
“I don’t believe in wishing. Anyway, did you want something – other than to walk into me yet again?”
I’m about to blow him off, but I feel something snap inside of me. He has his motorcycle helmet with him again and suddenly, I want to forget everything that has happened over the past few weeks. He might be an asshole, but maybe that’s exactly what I need to stop being the way I am. I can at least have a little fun.
“Are you going back to the dorm for the night?”
“Was planning on it. Why?”
I nod to his helmet. “I’d love to go for a ride.”
He smirks. “You? Would Daddy approve?”
“Look, I don’t know what the problem is, but do you want to take me for a ride or not?” Jack has been such an asshole every time I’ve seen him and I don’t know what his hang-up is, but I am angry and I want to do something stupid. He just shrugs and turns around, checking over his shoulder every so often to see if I’m keeping up. Of course, I didn’t really plan this and when we get to his bike, I don’t have a clue what comes next.
“So where to?” He asks.
“Don’t care,” I say and take the helmet he offers. I get on the bike behind him, my arms wrapped around his waist, and I try not to think about how sexy he is, despite his bad attitude. His body is tense as I lean against him and I can’t deny that it’s incredibly attractive. He drives me around town with no direction or plan and I think about how mad everyone I know would be that I am doing this. I know it isn’t a big move, but for me, it’s denial of what is expected and that refreshes me. By the time we make it back to campus, I feel revived. Almost like I’m myself again. Or possibly even someone else I could be. That’s the point of college, right? Becoming who you can be?
It gives me a grim satisfaction to be with Jack. We walk quietly back to the dorm and before we reach the doors, he stops and looks me over.
“Still feeling wild?” I know what he’s asking and I want to say yes. However, there is a big difference between riding a motorcycle and cheating on my boyfriend. Jack is incredibly attractive and my body wants to see what other kind of trouble I can get into tonight, but that’s physical. This isn’t right and I shake my head. Here I am getting jealous about Derek’s friends and I’m flirting with a guy who would give my parents heart attacks.
“It’s late,” I tell him. “And I have to call my boyfriend.” Figure I should throw that in there to make it clear that I am not going to let this moment of weakness ruin my future.
“I told you. He’s crazy to let you out of his sight.”
He moves closer and already my body is responding. He smells like cigarettes and leather, two smells I never thought were sexy until now. I want to fall into his body, to be wrapped in his arms, and I fight it. It’s wrong and it makes no sense. I have everything I could ever want. Jack is just a distraction.
“I’m not that kind of girl,” I tell him.
He steps closer still and kisses my neck. His lips are soft, which is unexpected, and it sends a shiver through me. Jack brings me in to his chest. I can feel his heart beating; it’s quickening and it matches mine. I feel his tongue sliding down along my collarbone. There is nothing like this, but I need him to stop. And yet, I never want him to stop. “I’d love to know exactly what kind of girl you are.”
Almost as if they are not my own, my hands slip between his jacket and his shirt. The heat of his skin burns me even through the fabric of his clothes. His lips continue to travel downward, but as they reach the curve of my breasts, something in me wakes up. I tear myself away from him and back up a few inches.
“I have a boyfriend,” I repeat. “I can’t do this.”
“Where is he?” Jack asks. His eyes are burning.
“What?”
“Where is your boyfriend? You’ve mentioned him before, but you run into me a lot for someone who’s so in love.”
“It was an accident.” It’s a weak answer, because even as I say the words, I am thinking about his lips and tongue on my skin. I want to touch him, to feel him against me, to know everything about him.
“Tonight was an accident?”
I sputter, not able to express what tonight was. I hate that being this close to him is interfering with thinking about my relationship. I love Derek. So why am I so turned on by Jack? Why did I spend the evening with Jack? Why do I want to breathe in his scent again, to touch the skin that nearly scorched me?
“I have a boyfriend,” I say again, since that’s apparently all I know how to say. It’s happened; having a boyfriend now defines me. I suddenly feel slightly irritated at Derek, which is completely unreasonable, since I’m the one using him as a buffer. It isn’t his fault that I’m letting him define me.
“Suit yourself, princess.”
“Whatever, Jack.”
He smiles and heads into the dorm. I stand outside for a few minutes shaking before following and going to my room. No one is there when I get back and I wonder if Kristen is out or in the bathroom. I would really like to talk to her, but I am alone again. In what seems to be a recurring pattern, I fall asleep, lonely and confused.
Chapter 6
Once the papers get started and classes are really underway, college changes. I still miss Derek tremendously, but I don’t have nearly as much time to be depressed about it. I join the environmental club because Lyle talks me into it, although we only meet every few weeks and all we do is talk about trash. Still, it’s something and Lyle and I have become friends; he has a massive crush on Kristen, although he says I absolutely can’t tell her, so she remains oblivious. It’s comforting to be a part of something outside of myself. Derek and I still talk as much as we can and I have had no more moments of weakness with Jack. I’m maintaining solid grades in every class and it’s all picture perfect. Like something out of an admissions brochure. Under the surface, though, I remain confused as hell, but distraction is the key to ignoring it. By Columbus Day weekend, I’m excited to see Derek and my family, but I’m just as excited to sleep for more than four hours.
I’m waiting for Jon and Derek to pick me up when I get a text; it’s Abby. She’s coming home, too, after spending the last couple of months overseas. It will be an amazing reunion. She promises to call me when she gets in and I’m looking forward to getting her input about the Derek and homesickness situation. However, right now, I just want a nap and I end up sleeping in the backseat for the entire ride back to my parents’ house.
Derek lives nearby and after he brings my bags in for me, we stand in the driveway. I’m still half-asleep, and he needs to visit with his family.
“I’ll be over first thing tomorrow morning, okay? And we will have the whole day.” He kisses the top of my head. It doesn’t feel cute or sweet anymore, but a little condescending. I tell myself I’m just cranky from lack of sleep, because he didn’t do anything wrong.
“What do you want to do?”
“Wanna go to the park?” We spent a lot of time at the park this summer, mostly with me reading and Derek joining pick-up games of every type. I’d like to do something a little more romantic, but the fact remains that our town isn’t really a hub of romance.
“Sure,” I say, swearing to myself that I will get a good night’s sleep and I’ll be pleasant company tomorrow.
“I love you, Lily. Sweet dreams tonight.” This time, he doesn’t kiss my head and when he slips his tongue into my m
outh, I remember what I’m missing with Derek. Since we haven’t seen each other for a while, the sexual frustration has been building. I want to run my hands all over his body and get naked right here on the driveway, but since my parents would definitely not approve, I limit myself to whispering in his ear after we kiss.
“I’m so wet thinking about you. I expect you to fuck me tomorrow.”
Red starts to flare in Derek’s cheeks and he waves to my parents, who are standing on the front steps, before kissing me quickly and heading to his house. It’s nice to be home.
My mom has a huge meal prepared and I am so happy to see something that is not a mysterious gray meat that I inhale the dinner. It is so normal and comfortable to be here that I almost forget how stressful and sad the past month has been. It is not until Abby calls that night that some of it comes back to me.
“So, how’s Derek? Are you guys, like, fucking like bunnies all weekend every weekend now?”
“Oh, Abby, I have so much to tell you.” Although we’ve talked on Facebook and via email, our schedules haven’t seemed to mesh since she went overseas. Now, back at home, in the same time zone, everything I was afraid to say in email, or couldn’t express in writing, is straining to burst out of me.
“Is it bad? Is something wrong with Derek?” Abby knows better than anyone how much I obsessed over him for years. She’s the one who bought me the vibrator last year for my birthday that ended up being the catalyst for my entire relationship with him. Four years of high school and three of them consisted of me whining about how badly I wanted to be with him.
“No, he’s okay. But, well, I have only seen him once since school started. We don’t even talk every night lately because our schedules are so different.”
“Are you having a lot of fun at school?”
“Not really,” I admit. “I’m just so sad about Derek. I feel like he doesn’t even care about me anymore.”
“That’s weird. You guys were headed for marriage when we graduated. What happened?”
“I don’t know. When he came to visit, it was amazing, of course, but now we are both so busy, and I don’t know.” I break down, crying for real for the first time since school started, because I know she’s right. It is weird and something must be wrong. I just don’t know what it is. It isn’t just Derek, either. School isn’t what I thought it would be. I feel like I am alone most of the time, even with my small group of friends. Everyone has his or her own schedule and it’s tough finding time outside of meals to talk. On the weekends, we usually try to hang out, but someone is always missing for work, a home visit, or just because something else came up.
“Maybe you need a break,” Abby suggests. “Not like a break up, but just time for you to get settled. I mean, he’s been with you since last year and he also had time to settle in first. You haven’t even found your own way around school. I know how you are. You probably just pine over him and act antisocial, aren’t you?”
“I have friends,” I argue.
“You’re in college. What do you do every night?”
I’m about to argue again when I realize that what I do mostly is stay in and work on homework, or go to the library to work on homework, or talk to Derek. Yes, I go to meals and hang out with Kristen and the others, but I don’t take part in most of the events or activities on campus. I can’t claim that the environmental club is a happening social life. I honestly can’t say I know anyone outside of the group of people that Kristen hangs out with - and Jack.
“You’re right,” I say. “I love him, Abby. But I don’t even know who I am.”
“I know. Like I said, you guys are great and I am not saying break up. I’m just saying it’s okay to do your own thing. Actually, I bet Derek would be thrilled.”
“I know.” The thing is, he would be thrilled. It would make me less clingy; maybe Abby is right and it’s what I need to do.
“There’s not more to it, is there?” I know she’s asking if there’s someone else and I debate about mentioning Jack, but realize he was a momentary lapse of judgment and nothing serious. He has nothing to do with what’s happening with Derek. This would be happening even if Jack had never appeared on the scene.
“No, it’s just that. Derek’s started playing rugby and you’re traveling the world and I guess I just feel like I’m still stuck in the same place.”
“So find your own place,” she says. “And do it for you, not for Derek or me. That’s why you went away to school. You could’ve gone to State with Derek and Jon. You could’ve traveled with me. You chose to go off on your own to do it your way. So do it, Lily.”
“Yeah,” I say and after I hang up, I feel ready to take on the world. Instead, I fall asleep. I am worn out from school and probably a little from the drama. Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow I’ll get things back on track.
****
In the morning, Derek comes by to pick me up early and we go to the park as he suggested. We head to a small corner in the back of the park; it is a quiet area, mostly secluded. Derek is happy to see me and he looks like he’s thinking about following through on my request as soon as we settle onto the grass. It’s the first time we have had a real moment in almost a month and I have missed him; I feel it as my nerves all rage for him to touch me. However, after my conversation with Abby, I need to resolve some other issues first and I have to fight my own desires to do exactly what I asked Derek to do. He moves quickly before I can speak and it takes all of my willpower to pull out of the kiss and hold his hands off my aching flesh.
“Derek, we need to talk,” I tell him.
He stops and puts his hands into his lap. “That’s never a good conversation starter.”
I smile wanly and nod. “Yeah, I know. The problem is, well, since I started school, I’ve been...”
“You’ve been what?” He looks wary and I think he may be misunderstanding the direction this is going when I notice how tight his shoulders get. I certainly have not been cheating, but it quickly becomes clear that he thinks those are my next words. Outside of my one ride with Jack, I have not even considered another guy as anything but a friend.
“There is no one else,” I say. “There has never been anyone else. There was always only you. But you have a life at school, friends, things to do. I have my roommate and her friends, although I think they pity me more than like me, and I have sitting around thinking about you. I don’t want to be one of those girls.”
“Lily, I don’t want you to be one of those girls. The girl I love would never be one of those girls. What’s going on?”
I start to cry and it feels so good to let it all out. Since school started, it has just been an ongoing fight to keep moving, to make it, to show no weakness. However, I truly can’t handle all the changes at once and without my core support system, I am falling apart. My insistence at being independent has made it tough to ask for help, but after talking to Abby, I realized that I need it. I also need to follow through on my own convictions about being independent.
Derek pulls me to his chest and holds me as I sob against him. No one tells you when you start school just how homesick you will be, or how hard it will be to start life over with no direction and no friends or family. No one says that becoming your own person is terrifying.
“I didn’t think it would be so hard,” I say. He lifts my head so I am looking up at him and he kisses my lips, the softness of the gesture mixed with the strength of his arms making me feel safe. I hate being the kind of girl who needs a guy to make her feel better, but Derek is a part of me. He has been my friend for more years than he has been my lover.
“What can I do?” He asks.
“I think I just need a break. Not a break up, but maybe I should take some time until our anniversary. You have rugby coming up and midterms are soon; I need to figure out who I am. I feel like I’m not even a person anymore.”
“Of course you’re a person.”
“I feel like I’m your girlfriend or Kristen’s roommate or Jon’s sister.
Not Lily. I need to find Lily. I need to be Lily.”
“Okay, so what exactly will help?”
“Like I said, a break. Not a break up. You’re still my boyfriend, but I need time to figure out who Lily is without thinking about how that fits into Lily with Derek. Does that make sense?”
“Lily, whatever you need. I love you and I want you to be happy. If you need me, you know how to reach me, but if you need to take some time, I will wait for you.”
“Are you sure? You’re not mad?”
“No, of course not. My first semester was tough, too. I get it. Just don’t go off finding yourself with a bunch of guys, okay?” He smiles, but there is sadness in the teasing. I don’t know how to convince him that he is not losing me, but that if I don’t figure out what is happening, we will both lose me because I will cease to be whole as a person.
“There’s no one,” I promise him.
He looks around and shrugs. “So … do you want to leave?”
I smile. “Well, I mean, we are already here. I’m not breaking up with you. I just need some time at school to find some hobbies or whatever. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you desperately.”
He laughs. “How desperately?”
“Let me show you,” I say and I unbutton his pants. I am so lucky to have Derek in my life because he always says and does exactly what I need. He’s considerate of me, even when I am a mess. I lie back, dragging him onto me. He pushes my pants down to my knees, just to give himself enough room, and there, in the middle of the morning in a public park, he enters me. All of my sorrow fades, because this is Derek, my brother’s best friend, the guy I have always wanted. He thrusts quickly and, while we’re together like this, I feel like everything will be just fine. It is one month to get myself straightened out at school and then our anniversary. I just know that will be a wild night and thinking about it while I am currently fucking him makes me crazy. I come quickly, tension rising in my body until my orgasm tears me apart and I cry out, hoping there are not many people in the park at this hour.