by Sarah Daltry
Derek does not take long after I come to finish and, after we are both satisfied, we lie in the grass with him spooning me. He kisses my neck and shoulder and tells me he loves me. For the first time since school started, I don’t doubt him at all.
Chapter 7
It is harder than I expected not to pick up the phone and call Derek every night. Still, I stick to my plan and I even join the school paper. It’s as much work as I expected before, but it turns out to be the perfect distraction. It keeps me incredibly busy and two weeks pass by faster than the entire first month of school did. Although I ache for my boyfriend, I keep telling myself this is the best thing for us both. I try not to think about the girls he is hanging out with on the weekends and repeat in my mind that Derek is faithful. This was my decision, after all, and I know he agreed to it because he cares for me, not because he is looking to hook up with someone else. If he wanted that, he would have had plenty of other opportunities over the past year.
It is the end of week three of my little experiment when my editor comes to me and asks me to cover a campus band playing at a local club.
“You. New girl. I need you to cover some crappy concert.” This is how she endears me to her when she needs me for something.
“Okay,” I say, although I have no experience writing concert features. So far, I’ve written a couple of book reviews and I did an interview with the new professor in the math department.
“They’re playing tonight. The campus band is the first opener, so you don’t need to stay. I just need you to take some pictures and get a quote from one of the band members.”
“Do you know who they are?”
She rolls her eyes. “No. Some generic rock band that will break up by next semester. But make them look good. Then they’ll pass out copies of the paper.”
“Great,” I sigh and get the address of the club. I go back to the dorm and change into something I figure is rock clubby, which means jeans and a black shirt.
The club is crowded when I arrive. I assume that is abnormal for the early show on an under-18 night. Half the school must have decided to come out and I guess that means the band members are well known to everyone but my editor and me. The drummer and singer are onstage setting up when I arrive, but I don’t recognize them. Since I am not exactly a strong barometer for popularity, this revelation means nothing. However, when the guitarist and bassist join them onstage, I am ready to hurt my editor. There on the stage, holding his bass like it’s his lifeline, Jack looks incredible. His black t-shirt is stuck to him and his jeans ride low on his hips. He looks up and I swear he sees me through the crowd, but that is impossible. It is dark, there are a ton of people here, and I am way in the back. Still, as our eyes sort of connect, I feel a thrill up my spine. Stop it, I tell myself.
The band is decent; they are louder than I usually like but the crowd loves them. They even get to do an encore, which is unheard of in my limited experiences. I take several pictures and, after they wrap up, I wait to get a quote. I don’t intend to stick around to watch the headliner, but I’m not going to be able to avoid talking to them. I just hope Jack comes out last so I don’t need to talk to him. Heading toward the backstage area, I sit on a metal chair in front of a black felt curtain. The life of a rock star is not very impressive. I always imagined that musicians went backstage to giant suites filled with food and women and parties. Instead, it seems like the curtain leads to a small area by a loading dock where the equipment is being tossed into a minivan. The illusion is shattered for me forever. Because my luck is nonexistent, it’s Jack who walks out to talk to me first. He’s sweaty from being under the stage lights, but somehow it just makes him look sexier. His eyes are on fire and I can tell performing drives him.
“I thought that was you,” he says. “Doesn’t really seem like your scene, princess.”
“It’s Lily. And what’s my scene?”
“Tea parties and knitting circles?” He grins, as if the joke was funny.
“You’re an asshole.”
“Yet you can’t deny you want me,” he teases and he runs his fingertips along the lower part of my arm. I pull away, but not before the touch shoots through to my toes. Why am I so attracted to him? He has been nothing but a jerk to me and I have such a sweet boyfriend. One moment of weakness does not justify feeling like this. I try to cover how flustered I am but I know Jack sees through me.
“Did you like the show?”
“It was good,” I admit.
“How about a private performance? Just you and me?”
I know he’s just messing with me, but it makes me crazy. Fortunately, his band mates appear behind him. I still need to get a quote, of course. I try to shake Jack’s comment off and turn to the singer.
“I need a quote from the band for the paper.”
The singer says something and I write it down, but I don’t really hear him. Jack’s eyes are on me and they’re all I can think about right now. I hate the way he makes me feel and as soon as I get the quote, I stand up to leave. Jack leans close and whispers in my ear. “Remember. 401. When you are ready to admit you are interested.”
I grit my teeth, seething. I refuse to let him have this hold on me. I don’t understand this inexplicable power that he wields. I leave the club, but it takes almost the entire walk back to school to forget his touch and how badly I wanted to say yes.
****
I call Derek on the night before my birthday. He’d promised to visit Friday night before his match, so I want to figure out where we are going. I didn’t confirm that we were still doing anything, but it’s my birthday. I figure it isn’t up for debate. Kristen offered to loan me one of her dresses and I hope Derek has something fancy in mind.
He doesn’t answer when I call, so I leave a message and focus on my homework. As much as I miss him, the break has been just what I needed. In the last few weeks, I have earned some respect on the paper, my academics seem to be on track, and even Kristen and her friends are looking at me less like a hopeless case. Something is starting between her and Lyle, although they’re both still keeping it a secret.
“Hey, do you want to go to Lyle’s?” She asks now. I hate to admit it, but I’m a tiny bit jealous. They spend so much time together and they aren’t even dating yet. It also sucks a little; now it’s just me, Don, and Caitlin who don’t have significant others with us when we hang out.
“I do, but I need to finish this paper. Besides, I still don’t know what Derek’s planning for my birthday tomorrow and I don’t want to miss his call.”
“It’s a mobile phone, Lily,” she teases.
“I know. But it is not a mobile research paper.”
“Understood. You’re welcome if you change your mind.”
“It seems like maybe you and Lyle would want some privacy anyhow,” I tease her back.
“I told you. There’s nothing going on between us.” Her blush disagrees, however, as does the small smile that forms when she thinks about him. She leaves and I get to work on my paper.
Once I establish a groove, the words pour out of me. I am nearly done when my phone rings. I save the essay and answer the phone.
“Hey,” I say.
“Lily, I got your message. What’s up?”
“Well, I know we aren’t supposed to do anything until next weekend, but remember you said you would come up for my birthday?”
“Oh. I thought-”
“You’re not coming?” In those three words, the last month shatters around me. He’s completely forgotten about me. It’s selfish maybe, but I guess I thought Derek was just letting me get myself together at school; I didn’t realize he was doing the same. I know I should have mentioned it, but I figured he wouldn’t forget my birthday. He rooms with my brother, after all. I feel like it shouldn’t be on me to remember.
“I can, I guess. It’s just, the guys from the team rented a couple rooms and we were going to head up early for the match and have a party. It’s the last match and all and I
thought you wanted a break.”
“It’s my birthday,” I say. “And our anniversary.”
“I know. But Jon said he was going up Saturday and you had plans with your family. And I thought we were...”
“Yeah, okay. It’s stupid. I’m sorry,” I say. “I guess I wasn’t clear. But we can do something next weekend, right?”
“Probably. Listen, can we talk about this another time? I have a huge exam tomorrow and I still need to pack for the weekend and-”
“What do you mean probably? You promised!”
“Look, I know, but things are crazy right now and it’s been a few weeks and...”
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened, but we haven’t really talked and we are each busy doing our own thing,” he says. “You haven’t called and I lost track of everything. I’ve been so busy with rugby, and I just totally forgot about next weekend. I have papers and exams coming up and things have gotten away from me. I know I promised, but like I said, I kind of lost track of time and I’ve been putting off my work until the season is over. You wanted a break. Maybe we should just try to get through midterms. Neither of us needs to worry about us until after exams; we can survive it, but you know how much I suck at school. It’s my own fault. God, I’m sorry, Lily.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything. I’m an idiot. I’ll cancel and come up tomorrow. Forget I even said anything. I just… maybe I should’ve listened to you and taken that break more seriously. I’m so worried I’m gonna fail all my classes. I’ve been screwing around so much with sports and-”
“Who is she?” The rage builds in me and I don’t know how to control it. Derek has never been a great student, it’s true, but he’s always been a great boyfriend. I can’t believe that the only reason he forget about my birthday and our anniversary plans is his busy rugby schedule. I knew those girls were going to be a problem.
“She? Lily, there’s no one. I promise I’m not trying to be an asshole; I think we are just both under a lot of pressure. I’ll call you Monday when I get back and we can try to figure something out for next weekend, okay? Promise?”
“Where were you tonight?”
“When?”
“You didn’t answer your phone,” I say.
“When you called?”
“Yeah.”
“I was at a study session for trig. It’s going to be a killer exam.”
“Like with your professor? Your TA?”
“No, just with some people in my class. And then, since we skipped dinner to study, I walked with Jodie to the pizza place.”
“Jodie?”
“Yeah, she’s in my study group and she’s on the girls’ rugby team, so we just grabbed something to eat and talked about the matches this weekend and-”
“Fuck you,” I respond.
“Stop it,” he says.
“No. Fuck you. You’re ditching me on your birthday for some slut-”
“Lily, Jodie’s not a slut.”
“Awesome. Now you’re defending her?”
He sighs. “I’m not defending her, but she didn’t do anything. I’m the idiot, not her. I’m not ditching you.”
“Seems to me like you are.”
“I told you I’ll cancel,” Derek argues.
“Right. And tell Jodie what a bitch I am.”
“Happy birthday, Lily. I love you. I promise I do. You’re just upset because you’re still trying to figure yourself out. I’ll call you Monday and-”
“No, I’m upset because you never mentioned Jodie had anything to do with rugby. Or that you couldn’t pick up the phone because you were with her.”
“Lily, she’s just a friend. Look, we can talk Monday and-”
“Is the girls’ team going up this weekend as well?”
“Yeah, of course. The matches are right by one another.”
“So this party you’re going to? It’s with Jodie?”
“It’s with the girls’ team, yes.”
“And you didn’t tell me because?”
“Because you’d freak out and there is nothing going on. I’m stressed enough with classes and everything and I know how you get. I just didn’t feel like dealing with it.”
“Dealing with me, you mean.”
“I don’t know, Lily,” he sighs. “Maybe? It’s been a lot of pressure to make you happy since school started. I guess I just wanted to enjoy myself for a bit. I haven’t stopped loving you, but this break has been nice.”
“And you want to continue the break?”
“I want to get through this semester. I think we’d both be happier that way. Don’t you?”
“Me or Jodie, Derek? Who’s it gonna be?”
“Lily, please don’t do this.”
I don’t say anything. I simply throw the phone across the room until it shatters. I can’t believe this. I don’t know what just happened; did he break up with me, over the phone, right before my birthday, with no reason? Am I just overreacting? I know I wanted to take a break, but this weekend is my birthday. Tears threaten to burst from my eyes; I refuse to cry over him. He obviously isn’t spending any time worrying about me. I slap down the cover of my laptop; there’s no way I can focus on my paper right now. I don’t know what to do but I’m twitching. Anger boils inside of me and I take my keys and wallet and slam the door. There is no destination but I can’t sit still. As I leave, I run into Jack, of course, who appears to be just coming back from work. I almost knock him over on my way out the door.
“Hey, where are you running off to? Lose your glass slipper?”
“Fuck you.”
“Ouch. What happened?”
“Get out of my way,” I growl and push past him but he reaches for my arm.
“Hey. Hold on. Let me take a quick shower and we can go for a ride. You look like you need to get a little wild.”
“You have no idea,” I tell him.
“I’ll be down in like ten minutes.”
It is actually twenty and I am ready to jump out the window by the time he makes it downstairs. He leads me to his bike and neither of us speaks during the walk. I get on behind him without asking where we are going or what the plan is; it is starting to get late and I have a midterm tomorrow at ten thirty and a paper due next week, but right now, nothing matters.
Jack brings me to a rundown bar on the edge of town. I’m not old enough to drink and I doubt he is either, but it doesn’t stop them from letting us in, or stop Jack from ordering two beers. I sip at mine, because I’m not much of a drinker, and I see him smirking while I do.
“What?” I ask. It comes across bitchy, which isn’t my intention. However, I don’t have the energy to care. If he thinks I’m a bitch, so be it.
“You’re looking like you need to disappear. It ain’t gonna happen if you nurse that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Drink faster,” he says.
“I don’t really drink.”
“Well, I’d suggest you start. Whatever shit you’re dealing with – it’s still gonna be there in the morning. Maybe tonight – let it go.”
He’s right. I didn’t come here to act the same as I always do. I came here to be someone else for a few hours. I drink the glass quickly, although it’s gross, and slam it down on the table. He laughs, but he looks a little impressed. I have to admit that I feel pretty proud of myself. Now let’s see him call me a princess.
“Problems gone?”
“Nope. My life still sucks.”
“How about something harder?”
“Bring me whatever you think will make tonight have never happened.”
He comes back with two shots of whiskey, and I drink them both. The burning liquid tears my throat apart, but I keep up the straight face. I don’t feel any different yet.
“Anything?” I know he’s amused, but I’m not.
“Two more. I don’t want to feel anything,”
Shrugging, he goes to the bar and brings back
two more. I realize he’s had nothing but the first beer, but he’s driving, so that’s a good thing. I, on the other hand, am ready to keep going. With a beer and four shots of whiskey in me, I feel like I should be forgetting what happened with Derek, but I’m not. I feel nothing. How many shots will it take for the hurt to go away?
“Do you do this a lot?” I ask.
“When I need to forget. Which I guess is a lot by most people’s standards.”
“What do you need to forget?”
“Nothing that is going to help you disappear.”
“But this works?”
“Sometimes,” he admits. “Sometimes, I just wake up feeling like shit. And then I remember. And feel like shit some more.”
“Why are you even talking to me? I thought you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you. I just thought I hated your type.”
“So you don’t hate my type? Or I’m not the type you thought?”
Jack shrugs. “Good question.”
“Why did you invite me out?”
“Seemed like the right thing to do. You can’t seem to stop running into me, princess.”
“I’m not a princess. I’m nothing.” I start getting really depressed, thinking about how little I mean to Derek, how easily he moved on, and how stupid it all is.
“Yeah, I really doubt that.” Jack actually smiles – a genuine smile. It’s not mocking or cold and the result is just strange.
“It’s true. I…” I stop speaking, because I don’t know what to say.
“Princess, you’re more than you think you are. And whatever made you come here tonight is not worth your time.”