Finally, I opened my eyes and saw that we were in the abyss that I had once visited with Phoenix.
I looked around and wasn’t surprised to see him standing to the side, leaning against what looked like a granite wall sparkling with thousands of diamonds. Dressed all in black he looked to be almost melting into the wall. Apart from the last few days, it had been a long time since I had laid eyes on him. It would be a lie to say memory did him justice. And it wasn’t just his beauty, it was the rawness of the torment he carried about him; the kind that only aeons of time could etch out so masterfully.
Rainer opened her eyes, too.
‘Oh, my God,’ she whispered. ‘Is this Heaven?’
I smiled, remembering asking a similar question once. ‘Does it look like Heaven would to you?’ I replied, asking what had been asked of me.
She shook her head. ‘Not at all. Is it like purgatory? The in-between?’ she asked, unaware that Phoenix was standing behind her.
I shrugged. ‘Perhaps something like that. But I think it’s more a thought, like a physical space to represent a kind of nothingness. I’m still trying to figure it out.’ This place was not like the one I’d stood in last, where I’d had some kind of control. This was different. Not somewhere the angels or me could influence – this was ancient and eternal.
‘Is this the angel realm?’ Rainer went on, needing some kind of confirmation.
I realised that this was why the angels had let me believe it in the beginning, and I now understood the value. ‘In a way.’
She nodded, accepting this, and I noticed Phoenix smile softly.
‘I suppose it was only a matter of time,’ he said from behind Rainer, startling her.
When she spun around I kept a tight clasp on her hand.
‘Oh. Phoenix,’ she whispered and I could see her conflicting emotions. Phoenix had been blamed for Rudyard’s death, and for Nyla’s state. It hadn’t been his intention, but we all knew, even so, that it was his fault.
And mine.
He looked into Rainer’s eyes, his remorse heavy, his guilt honest. ‘I came to make sure the way is clear. I wish I could do this for you, but it is not permitted. Not even for her,’ he said, glancing at me. ‘I would give my life, my eternity, to right this wrong. But even for those of us who would give everything, it is not enough.’
‘Phoenix,’ I rasped, my cold heart thawing a little for him. I could see his anguish so clearly.
‘If you could have her,’ Rainer said suddenly, turning to me. Phoenix stiffened. ‘If Violet could be yours in every way. If your heart could be full and your future complete, would you give that? Would you give her up to take away your sins?’
‘Rainer,’ I pleaded. ‘Don’t do this.’
‘I deserve to know. And so does Nyla.’ She did, but that didn’t make it okay. The wounds between Phoenix and me were still raw. They probably always would be.
Phoenix abruptly dropped to his knees, his head bowed. ‘I am angel malign. My essence is selfish. I see the value and benefit of darkness in its most alluring state. And I am human in heart, able to love and feel in all its punishing ways. I am man enough to sacrifice my existence for my sins. But my nature is also dark enough to know that should my greatest temptation lie at my feet for the taking, I would never be able to deny myself. So, perhaps we are all lucky that she is not capable of that kind of love. For me.’
I dropped down in front of him, keeping a hold of Rainer’s hand. I ran my free hand through his beautiful hair in the first physical contact I’d had with him since he’d killed me. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you.’ A tear fell from my eye. ‘If I could go back and change it, I would,’ I whispered, my voice trembling. ‘I’ve caused so much pain and suffering and it’s ruined us all. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you.’
He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me to him, and buried his face against my shoulder like a child holding on for dear life. I didn’t move away; I just continued to run my hand through his hair.
He was such a tormented creature. What would become of him here?
I looked up at Rainer, who was watching on silently. ‘You cannot ask that he fight every part of his nature for his remorse to be true. Please. If he can’t have your forgiveness, then neither can I. His mistakes are mine to bear just as much as they are his.’
Phoenix held me tighter and I felt this angel, this man, come apart. He was vulnerable, afraid and, more than anything, he was utterly lonely.
Rainer nodded. ‘I can’t say that I perfectly agree, but I trust in your heart, Violet. I have seen your goodness.’ She looked at Phoenix. ‘I believe you are sorry and I’m grateful for your honesty. I imagine if Nyla were asked what she wouldn’t do for Rudyard, she would simply answer: nothing.’
I lifted Phoenix’s face up and looked into his chocolate eyes, which were churning with emotion.
‘This isn’t the place for you, is it?’ I asked, finally allowing my eyes to open and see what was becoming of him.
He shook his head, looking down again.
I tilted his chin up. ‘You’re here for me?’
He nodded.
‘But I can’t be what you want, Phoenix. You’ve known that all along.’
He nodded again.
Another tear fell down my cheek. ‘Well, what the hell are we going to do with you?’ I asked the universe in some kind of despairing plea.
He looked up. ‘You could come here. You could. They would allow it. You could leave everything else behind. The cold. I know you feel it all the time.’
I studied his face as he watched me intently. There was even a part of me that was tempted by the idea of leaving it all behind and finding some semblance of peace. But what peace would there be without him? Like it or not, Lincoln and I were tied together; whether I was a human or an angel, I couldn’t escape it. Nor could I leave him in a world without me when that was the very thing I couldn’t bear for him to do to me.
‘You already know I won’t do that. You already know it all, Phoenix. You’re an angel. You can see right into me.’
He was silent for a time. Then finally, he dropped his arms and stood, pulling me up with him.
He took a step back and cleared his throat. ‘You will need to move quickly. The souls have felt your presence before, Violet. They will find you quickly and try to take it from you.’
I nodded, expecting as much. ‘What about Rainer?’
He smiled sadly. ‘She will be protected. Only you are here in your life form. You have brought her with you but her essence and form remain behind. Though if you lose her here, it will not be good.’ He paused before adding, ‘I need to warn you against this, Violet. Your maker will not be happy. There will be a price, and I have no idea how high it will be.’
‘I know, Phoenix. This isn’t on you. But this is what you can do to help me make it right.’
His jaw clenched and he nodded tightly. ‘I can’t help you, but I can be here, like last time, to push you back in the right direction when you’re ready, but you’ll have to make it back to me.’
I swallowed, looking out towards the nothingness that held billions of tiny floating shimmers: lost and broken souls, searching for what they once had, desperate to feel something again.
‘Can you see them?’ I asked Rainer.
She shook her head. ‘I only see the darkness.’
I turned to Phoenix, who appeared deep in thought. ‘And I only see the light because of it,’ I said, acknowledging the value of the dark, and the role that the angels malign have in the universe. Telling him, in my own way, that I understood.
Phoenix flinched at my words and looked at me, his eyes instantly tearing. He quickly turned. ‘You should get going,’ he said, already walking away.
‘You have a lot of intense relationships, you know that?’ Rainer said beside me.
Understatement of the century.
‘I know. And it has to end.’ I looked up and took a quivering br
eath. ‘But first thing’s first.’
Together, Rainer and I walked towards the vast nothingness. Her eyes locked on the blackness, mine on the countless shimmering images, floating like stars, soundlessly searching.
The shimmers started to stir as we neared. ‘Remember,’ I cautioned, ‘if you want to find her, you have to open yourself to her, find the piece of her that only you know.’
Rainer nodded. ‘I’ve got it. We’re twins, Violet. I’ll find her.’
I nodded, though I knew that only time would really tell. ‘Just make sure, no matter what happens, that you—’
‘Don’t let go,’ she cut me off, squeezing my hand.
‘Right.’
The reflections were moving in on us now. I knew how this went and that we wouldn’t have long.
I stopped walking when we were far enough. ‘Stay focused. You’ll only get one chance at this, so make it count.’
Rainer nodded and tilted her head back, closing her eyes as she began to call to Nyla’s soul.
Oh, Nyla, forgive me.
The shimmers encircled us. They were bolder than last time and I knew I would need to hold on to give Rainer the time she needed.
I gripped her hand tightly as they closed in on me, pouring through me, feeding on me, draining me. As the intrusions became violent I heard myself cry out as they crushed me from the inside and outside.
‘Violet, you’re bleeding!’ Rainer said.
I looked at her. ‘Keep going,’ I ordered, ignoring the blood that I could feel trickling from my nose and eyes.
She nodded, refocusing.
Painful time is slow and gradual in its release.
The shimmers pounded through my being, grabbing like tentacles and sucking all they could from me. There was no way to fight back and I could not endure much more. But then I heard Rainer cry out.
‘I can feel her, Violet. She’s coming to me!’
And so there was no choice. I would hang on. I would give Nyla and Rainer their chance.
Blood ran down my throat and poured from my ears as pressure built with lost souls filling me, siphoning from me. My body jolted as the force of each intrusion became more aggressive and my strength to hold them back deteriorated.
‘I have her! Violet, I have her!’ Rainer was pulling me.
My legs were buckling beneath me. I wanted to fall down, I wanted to crawl or lie just for a time. Even if it was a gradual time.
But I couldn’t take Rainer from Wil. And I had to get back to find Spence. So, my feet stumbled again and again as Rainer pulled me along. I heard her screams: ‘Phoenix! Help us! She’s not going to make it!’
Arms caught me as I fell back; a perfect game of trust.
He was there.
‘She’s not strong enough to cross the realms,’ he said, sounding panicked. I wanted to reassure him but my mouth would not move. ‘I can’t … I can’t,’ he floundered. ‘Damn it! I can’t heal her here and she can’t … We have to … Oh, what the hell!’ And it sounded like he’d decided something and I was grateful, because right then my mind could not work.
Suddenly, I was on a cold floor, choking on my own blood.
Rainer was by my side, calling my name, shaking me even as I felt her tremble. Something was bashing on the door and I felt an odd sense of déjà vu. Then a massive cracking sounded as the door splintered and the sun whooshed in, enveloping me.
People were yelling. One voice so commanding, screaming my name and ordering me over and over to live.
And even as the world went dark, I was painfully alive when I felt the most devastating kiss of warmth.
CHaPteR NINeteeN
‘We pay a price for everything we get or take in this world …’
Lucy Maud Montgomery
when a person forces herself to live in a world that has no sun, it is a dreadful existence. Most would be better off never having known the sun existed than to be left cast into perpetual shadow with nothing but the memories set on constant repeat. Memories cannot – do not – recreate the sun.
It comes from every angle, attacks every sense and fibre of our beings. The sun, more than anything, is the very assurance that we are real and that there is life.
Awareness slowly returned and I was conscious of one thing and one thing alone.
I’m lying in the sun.
And before I’d even opened my eyes, I was crying my heart out, for the first time in two years.
My memories had never, could never have, done it justice.
‘Don’t cry, Vi,’ the sun said. ‘Don’t cry,’ he repeated, as he smoothed the hair from my forehead and gently stroked the contours of my face. ‘Please wake up. Wake up so that you can come back to me,’ he whispered, as if I could be the one special enough to belong to the sun. And even more, as if, by some miracle, the sun still belonged to me.
But I’m not. And he doesn’t.
Lucidity increased by the second. It took only a few brief moments before my hand was briskly wiping away my unauthorised tears and my eyes were blinking open.
Lincoln sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over me.
‘Hey,’ I said, my voice catching.
‘Hey,’ he said, his voice soft.
He reached over and held out a glass of water with a straw.
I sipped, and nodded when I’d had enough.
He stood then, and started to pace. At first I was struck by the pure relief that showed on his face and then, somewhere between trying to remember what he’d said as I woke up and seeing that his expression was morphing into something decidedly more furious, I began to sit up, moving into a more defensive position.
Right on cue, Lincoln spun towards me, one hand up in helpless confusion. ‘What the hell did you think you were doing? You were half dead when we found you!’
He really has developed a hot temper.
I rolled my eyes. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You are not damn well fine. I’ve spent the past twenty hours in here trying to heal you and you’re still black and blue.’
I grimaced, wondering just how banged up I looked. But then his words registered. Twenty hours? Wait. ‘You … you healed me?’
‘Of course I healed you,’ he said, his irritation growing.
I could feel it now, his power, his self running through me, fixing me. It was wonderful in the worst possible way.
‘I wish you hadn’t done that,’ I mumbled.
‘Why?’ he asked, his anger giving way to sadness. ‘Do you want to die?’
‘No. But we’re not partners any more. You shouldn’t have …’
Lincoln laughed sardonically. ‘God, you are so twisted it’s not funny.’
He’s not wrong.
‘I never said any of this was funny.’ It was then that I noticed I was wearing a gown instead of my clothes. I blushed, looking away from Lincoln. Had he undressed me?
The door opened and Gray walked in, smiling when he saw me awake. ‘On the mend, then?’
I nodded and then sent him a sharp look. ‘Did you let him heal me?’
Gray scratched the back of his head. ‘Well, I didn’t bloody well stop him, if that’s what you’re asking. I suspect a herd of elephants would’ve had more luck at that. The man can be quite insistent when he wants to be. No one was allowed within ten bloody feet of you,’ he said, his British accent thickening.
I continued to glare at him.
His eyebrows went up. ‘I’m flippin’ serious! There’s a doctor out there with a badly broken nose to prove it. And anyway, I figured you’d want to be up and about to get on with saving your friend, and for that you really are going to need to be vertical.’ He smiled mischievously. ‘Though to be frank, I won’t deny that there is one horizontal activity I think you’d highly benefit from.’
My mouth dropped open in shock. I didn’t miss Lincoln’s smirk from his position at the end of my bed.
Gray broke into full belly laughter. ‘I see my work here is done. Should I let the troops know we�
�ll be pushing ahead?’
‘Of course,’ I said just as Lincoln said, ‘No. She needs more rest.’
I glared again, giving equal attention to Gray and Lincoln.
Gray backed towards the door. ‘Sorry, mate,’ he said to Lincoln. ‘But now that she’s awake, well, let’s just say, I know what she’s capable of when she’s pissed off.’ He ducked out the door and as he did I spied my clothes folded neatly on the armchair.
Lincoln held the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
Is he counting?
‘Is Rainer okay?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘She’s back, Violet.’
He wasn’t talking about Rainer. Nyla was back. It had worked.
‘It might take her a little longer to wake up than it did me since she was gone for so long, but her brain activity has returned and Rainer says she felt the transfer work. You brought her back.’
I let out a deep breath. ‘I hope it was the right thing to do. You should … call Griffin. He’ll want to know.’
‘Steph’s already spoken to him. He’s preparing to come over and should arrive in the next day or so. He said to tell you it was about time you got back in the game.’ He cleared his throat. ‘And … that you did good.’
Tears stung my eyes but I held them back. I’d woken up crying – a display I wasn’t about to repeat.
I pushed myself up further, spending a little time on healing the worst of my injuries. I’d patch myself up properly later. ‘Can you pass me my clothes?’ I asked, pointing to the folded stack.
Lincoln handed them to me and I pulled my jeans on beneath the sheets. I settled for just my T-shirt when I saw the state of my sweater. I was sure Steph would lend me something else. ‘Turn around,’ I said.
Lincoln did as I asked while I stripped off the hospital gown and threw on my top. By the time he turned around I was pulling on my boots.
Empower: Violet Eden Chapters: Book Five Page 17