Dad doesn’t even look embarrassed at me calling him out. No, he’s got his president look on and something tells me that I won’t like what comes out of his mouth. “Lily, you deserve more than a romp in the sack.” He looks pained saying that, but pushes through. “You are an intelligent, smart, beautiful young woman who should be treated like the queen you are, not like a Friday night booty call.” If I wasn’t so pissed off, I’d laugh at his use of the phrase ‘booty call’ but I don’t want him getting angrier.
“Dad, it’s not like that,” I protest, glancing at Maxum. He won’t meet my eyes and it bothers me a little because despite his hesitance to commit, we get along in every way possible. We’re in tune with one another and the fact he isn’t looking at me tells me more than I want to know. My dad got to him. Fuck!
“It sure as hell looks like it from where all of us are standing,” he fires back, glaring at first Maxum, then me. “Do you know what this is doing to your mother?” Great, drag Mom into it to force a guilt trip on me. Newsflash, I’m not packing that bag this time around.
“Considering that it was her who took me to Dr. Bowerman to get on birth control, I think she’s fine with it, Dad.” My tone is snarky, a disrespectful tone I usually don’t show, or use on my dad, but right now, I’m so pissed that I don’t care. My body is shaking in aggravation, and my fists are opening and closing, as I attempt to reign in my temper.
“She took you to get you on medicine to help your headaches, Lily. Not so you could engage in bedroom romps.” At his words, I roll my eyes, something he hates. Seriously? Bedroom romps? Should I remind him I’ve already had the birds and the bees talk with him… when I turned twelve!
“Dad, you’re sounding suspiciously like one of those real old dudes in the movies that Mom likes to watch. No one says shit like that,” I tell him.
When his eyebrow raises I realize I’ve stepped straight into a blazing inferno. “Lily Callahan, you will show me some respect,” he growls out. “I don’t care that you’re an adult. What I do care about is that your heart is involved, and he will most assuredly break it,” he continues, pointing to Maxum.
“Isn’t that what life’s about, Dad? Living, loving, learning? You can’t protect me from getting my heart broken, no matter how much you wish you could. This isn’t like when I was a little girl and you fixed my toys.” I almost feel sorry for him, the look he’s giving me is one of a heartbroken father, and all I wanna do is run and wrap my arms around his waist like I used to do when I was a little girl. But, I remember that I’m trying to force him to recognize that I’ve been on my own for a few years now, and am capable of taking care of myself. All he needs to do is be there for me to lean on when I’ve been bumped down a peg or two.
His shoulders droop at my words and he looks almost defeated. “I just don’t want you hurt, sweetheart,” he murmurs, pulling me in for a hug. Despite my anger, I relax in his embrace. He gives the best hugs and I’ve always felt safe in his arms.
“Daddy, it won’t happen,” I whisper. I’m making promises that I know deep inside of myself that I can’t keep. But, this is all part of growing up and living life. You have to take chances… especially when the heart is involved. Nothing is set in stone, promises have never been made, but a girl can always hope.
“Yeah, baby, it will. You’re setting yourself up for something that’s likely to crush you and that will kill your mom and me.” I’m tired of this conversation already, it’s time to let go and let me spread my wings. I want to fly and explore, find myself so to speak. I’m still learning who I am and what I want out of life.
“I’ll be fine, Dad. Everything will be fine,” I tell him. I try to sound confident, but I suspect he catches the slight tremor in my voice.
Maxum stands and comes to where my dad and I are. Clearing his throat, he says, “Appreciate the visit, Axe. Think Lily and I need to have a chat now.” Dad nods and pulls away after kissing my forehead.
“We’re here, Lily, if you need us,” he says before walking out the door and leaving me with the man who owns me, heart, body, and soul.
I am scared shitless to hear what he has to say. I have a deep, dark feeling he’s fixing to end things and do what my dad accused him of.
Deep breath, Lily. In and out, repeat.
Maxum walks my dad to the door, and after my dad breaches the doorway and he locks the door… it’s deafening. A sound that I’m sure is a preview of what my life is fixing to become.
I’m feeling a bit lightheaded, but assure myself that it can’t be as bad as I’m imagining… right?
Maxum
The silence after Axe leaves is profound. I don’t know how much she heard, but I don’t care to rehash what Axe said. Taking her hand, I lead her over to the couch. “We need to talk,” I state. I realize that I was an asshole to Axe and I’ll apologize later, but he’s right. She deserves more than I can give her and regardless of how well we get along, I need to cut her loose and let her go. Pain radiates in the middle of my chest and I rub at it to try and get it to ease.
“Maxum, I’m sorry he came over like that. He had no right. I’m perfectly content with the way things are between the two of us,” Lily states.
She’s lying through her damn teeth, and if I were lesser of a man, I’d take what she’s offering and run with it.
“We’ve got a good thing going, you know? We get along, we’re good with each other in bed, and can talk about anything. Hell, you like the same shows I do and we even have the same taste in music!” Her eyes are glistening and my heart sits heavy in my chest at the anguish I see on her face.
Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be. “Lily, baby, he’s right. I can’t offer what you deserve. You should be more than an occasional fuck. You deserve the entire world; the old lady cut, the ring, the house, the kids — every fucking thing. And I can’t give that to you.” What I don’t say is that I want to, I’d love to hold a mini-Lily in my arms. But I’m not capable and won’t even try. I refuse to put an innocent child through what my father put me through. It isn’t right to bring a child into this world and not be able to give them one hundred percent of your heart. I don’t even know if I have a heart. I live as much of an emotional distance from others as I can… I strive to feel nothing.
“Then why did you start up with me, Maxum? I don’t understand! I-I-I always thought things would progress, y’know?” Tears are streaming down her face as she questions me.
I shake my head because when we started, I was driven purely by lust and want. It wasn’t until I got to know her that I realized what a gem she truly was; only I’m incapable of giving her a heart that’s so damaged, it looks like flayed meat. “Because I wanted you.” I know it sounds cruel, but I’ve never lied to Lily and I won’t start now. “You make me hard as fuck and have for a long-ass time and I decided it was time to do something about it.”
“B-b-but we are more than just a fuck,” she whispers. She stuttered a bit and I’m sure she almost said making love, but she stopped herself.
“Because we’re friends, Lily. We just happen to have benefits along with our friendship.”
I see a shudder wrack her body and part of me wants to pull her close but that would defeat the purpose of this talk. I need to finish this before I relent and stay in this quasi-relationship we have going on. It’s not fair to her and while it guts me to think of her with someone else, if they can give her what I can’t, I need to let her go.
But it fucking sucks and I wish I knew where my father was so I could kick his sorry as fuck ass.
“We are friends, Maxum. And sometimes, friends become lovers. I thought that’s what we were.” Her words sound good in theory, but she has to love herself more than what she’s trying to offer me. Her family wants more for her, hell, I want more for her.
“No, we were what your father said.” I take a deep breath before saying the words I’m sure will destroy anything we have. “You were nothing more than a booty call, Lily.” She gasps,
and it takes everything within me not to take the words back, but I need her to hate me enough to leave.
The look she gives me as she stands stabs at me and I resist rubbing my chest again. “I-I won’t bother you again, Maxum,” she murmurs as she gathers her purse. “I-I’ll come into the office and get what I need before you get there, then go work somewhere else so you don’t have to see me. Would you mind giving me the key so I can go around your schedule? Please.”
I reach out to hand her the key; she shakily snatches it from my hand. I stretch out my hand for her, wanting to hold her one more time in my arms, but she steps back just enough that I’m grasping air. “No, Maxum. You’re right. We had fun, it was fun, but now it’s time to be adults. We want different things and regardless of whether I love you or not, it takes two to make a relationship. Take care of yourself, Maxum.” As she walks out the door, I hear her say, “I love you,” so softly it’s more of a whisper.
She’s gone.
It should be easy to say that because we weren’t a real couple, but it’s not. Sighing, I head to the fridge and grab another beer.
4
Maxum
It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Lily, but she’s definitely been around my shop. My office is fully organized and all of my accounts are current. Hell, she’s even set up vendor accounts for me so that I can keep my inventory straight. When I see how far in the black I am, I realize that I needed her in here a long time ago. I’m sitting at my desk signing the checks that she’s printed out when I notice that there’s not a check for her. Fuck that noise; she’s the reason I’ve been able to come in and get caught up on the bigger jobs.
Jaxson found a few people from the local tech school who were near graduation. They work several hours a day, handling basic maintenance shit; like the oil changes that take up too much of my time, and tire rotations. They’ve made my life so much easier that I contemplate hiring them full time once they graduate. Sometimes, they oversee the state inspections that Texas requires. I pick up the phone and call Cara since she’ll know what the going pay rate would be for what Lily is doing.
“Hello?” Her voice is always soothing and I instantly relax.
“Hey, Cara, you got a minute?” I ask.
“Sure. What’s up, Maxum?” Her voice cools slightly and I know I have the shit with Lily to thank for that.
“Well, I’m signing checks and shit and there’s not one for Lily. What’s the going rate to pay someone who does what she does for me?” Even though she’s upset with me, I try to act as if nothing is out of the norm. I respect Cara and would hate to lose the motherly type friendship she offers most of us who are orphaned or abandoned by our parents.
“She’s pretty much your office manager, correct?” she questions.
“Yeah, she handles the filing and shit, pays the vendors, makes sure the inventory is current and places any orders that are needed.”
“I’d think at least twenty-two dollars an hour is fair,” she states. I can hear clicking in the background and grin because she probably looked online.
“She’s working on the website as well so that customers can schedule times for the basic maintenance,” I admit. When Lily emailed me with that suggestion, I talked it over with Jaxson and we decided it would be a great way to ensure we could handle everything. We set up two bays strictly for oil changes and whatnot and put the hours for appointments to correlate when the students are available to work.
“Then you may want to bump it up a little bit,” she advises. “Sounds like she’s pretty much letting you concentrate on the shop, your customers and the vehicles, while she does all the grunt work behind the scenes.”
I nod because that’s exactly what has happened. “Should I write a check or do a direct deposit?” I ask. “Jaxson’s and my pay are direct deposited.”
“I can give you Lily’s information since she does the satellite website stuff for all the businesses. She prefers direct deposit so she doesn’t have to waste time going to the bank.”
I wish she’d said I could write her a check; I miss seeing her smiling face and my chest feels empty since I pushed her away. I resist asking Cara how Lily’s doing. Barely. “How many hours do you think?” I feel so fucking clueless with this shit; Jaxson and I know how many hours each job takes and that’s how we get paid, but Lily is not here, per se, so I don’t know what would be fair.
“I know she comes in every morning around five a.m., scans any paperwork she needs, then proceeds to file it. Then, she heads to the gym and works out, before she heads home. Bandit set up an office for her so she has access to all the files from all of the club businesses.”
“Would thirty hours a week be too much? Not enough? I don’t want to cheat her, Cara.”
“I think thirty hours would be about right, Maxum. I’m sure some weeks she puts in more hours, but there are others where she puts in less. Thirty hours a week is a good average.”
I nod even though she can’t see me. “Thanks, Cara. Can you email me her direct deposit information? I can input the hours and pay rate into the system and set up an automatic payment.” I was so happy when Bandit created the program for me. It allows me to pop in all of our workable hours, does the tax bullshit, sends the monies owed by direct deposit, and then generates a print-out for everyone’s records.
Clicking sounds from the phone tell me what she’s doing just then and she proves me right when she says, “You’ve got mail, Maxum.”
“Thank you, Cara. You’re a lifesaver.”
Just a few more seconds and I can get off the phone without asking about Lily.
“She misses you, Maxum. That’s all I’ll say about it, though. Take care.” With that parting shot, she hangs up.
I miss her too.
More than I should, but despite Jaxson yammering at me all the time to get off my ass and claim my woman, I can’t. I’m too fucked up.
She didn’t seem to care, my subconscious whispers.
Lily
I’ve been avoiding anywhere Maxum will be like the plague. I can’t see him yet; my heart isn’t ready. I’ve cried myself to sleep every single night since we parted ways. My mind races with ways to make him change his mind about me, us, him… all of it. He’s worth it, he just needs to come to that realization on his own. Luca called last night. He wants me to come for a visit and spend time with him and Gypsy. I’m seriously considering it. Getting away seems like a good idea. I could use the space and distance from my surroundings. Everything I see, every place I go, I see him, memories of things we did together. I feel like I’m going mad and my headaches have come back full force.
“Earth to Lily.” Ralynn dramatically waves her hand in front of my face.
“I’m sorry. What was it you said?” I ask, feeling a bit frazzled.
“I wish I could make this all disappear for you, Lily. What can I do to help you through this?” she questions.
“Can you give me a new head?” I’m only partially joking because even with the Bio-TE, the headaches are breaking through. I’ve got too much shit to do to be down.
“That shit not working?” she inquires. “I thought they were getting better.”
“The doctor said it could take a few treatments before my levels rose enough to help. But the headaches have gotten worse,” I reply. “I max out on the medicine every day.”
“I don’t think that’s healthy, Lil,” she cautions. “Have you called the doctor?”
“No, because other than sending me to the hospital for a migraine cocktail, there’s not much they can do.”
“I know this shit with Maxum isn’t helping, either,” she states, giving me a look. “Jaxson has tried talking to him, but he keeps saying he’s not good enough and has nothing to offer you.”
“Rae, I probably sound pathetic saying this, but I’d take him as is, even knowing he can’t give me more, if he would just take me back.” Tears fill my eyes at my confession because I know I sound like a gutless pussy. But I’m not
lying; he’s the only one for me.
“Why does that make you sound pathetic? Seriously, Lil, he’s been different since y’all split up. I know, I know, the two of you weren’t really in a ‘relationship’ with one another, but all of us feel differently. We saw how he treated you when we were all at the clubhouse. He’s attentive and loving, even if he says different.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath at her words. I want to believe them; there’s so much hope there and lately, I feel like I’m clinging to my last knot, which is frayed and raggedy. “I can’t think that way, Rae. He made me happy and I know I did the same, but something from his past is keeping him from turning his whole heart over to me.” Tears are pouring down my face and I don’t know if it’s the hammering in my head or the shattering of my heart that has me crying. Lately, I’ve been more emotional than normal, but the doctor did mention that when my hormones start adjusting, I might experience some side effects. Crying jags are apparently one of them, which pisses me off because I’m not normally a crier.
“We’ve got you, Lil. Maybe you need to get away or something,” she says, holding me close.
“Luca called last night and invited me up,” I admit.
“Then you should go. If nothing else, seeing that crazy ass dog should have you laughing, right?” she teases. I grin through my tears because Gypsy’s dog is a little diva with major personality.
“I think you may be right. I just need to disappear from it all. Mom and Dad are driving me insane with trying to set me up on blind dates. They just don’t get it; I don't want anyone other than him. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe I just need to forget about being with my one and settle for the next best thing.”
“You can’t do that to yourself. Don’t give up on finding the right man. Maybe, now hear me out, Maxum wasn’t your one, maybe he’s just that little girl crush and dream that never went away.” I stop and think about her words, it doesn't feel right, but what if she’s correct?
Maxum & Lily: Rebel Guardians Next Generation Page 3