Shadow Soul

by R. Michael Card

  He shook his head, feeling something cold sink into his soul.

  “Then you can die too for all I care. Just make sure it’s fighting that shadow-spawned wizard.”

  He stalked away.

  32

  Jais’ words sank like a spear into Caerwyn’s heart.

  You can die too for all I care.

  She hoped desperately, that perhaps he’d understand somehow. She had expected him to be upset, but maybe he’d understand what an impossible situation she’d been in and…

  But no, his reaction was just.

  She deserved to die. She’d been a coward. She’d never forgive herself for that. She’d just hoped for some solace. But there would be none. She saw that now.

  Just as there had been no one to comfort her after her birth parents had died. She’d been alone in a vast forest, scared and cold and crying herself to sleep every night for months, curled up into a tiny ball.

  In this moment she felt like nothing so much as that childhood version of herself. She fell to her side and curled up, hugging her knees close. Tears leaked from her eyes, but she felt like she’d cried herself out. Her tempestuous emotions had died down and in their place was nothing, just a void where her courage and strength had been. She was empty and cold.

  Jais was right. She would go and face the wizard and sacrifice herself. That was all that was left to her now. It was little comfort, but it was a direction at least.

  “Caerwyn?” It was Volf. His voice was soft, tentative. There was an equally as hesitant touch on her calf. “What do you need?” After a moment he whispered, “I’m sorry I left you so suddenly. I didn’t know what to do. I fled. I’m a coward. I always have been. I’m sorry.”

  Was this a kindred soul?

  “We all save ourselves in the end,” she said, her voice uneven and hoarse.

  “You can’t believe that.”

  She hadn’t before today, but a few hours could change a person. She was not the same woman who had entered this cave.

  “You did. I did. We all do.”

  “But I came back.”

  “Too late.” Too late to save her from the horrible choices she had to make. Too late to change anything.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “So am I. You’ll need to find someone else…” She wasn’t quite sure what she meant by that. He’d seemed interested in her, but she knew now she’d never be with him or anyone else. Her dream of a child was gone. Who was she to want such a thing when she’d never be able to take care of it, protect it? No, she would have no child. She’d die soon enough. And there would be no one to teach Volf weapons. Perhaps Jais or Barami could, but she wouldn’t be around to do so. Whatever he needed from her, he’d need to find someone else to provide it. She was worthless.

  She heard him sigh, and his hand left her leg.

  “I still believe in you. Even if you don’t.”

  She didn’t have the strength to tell him it was a fruitless belief.

  She heard him walk away.

  Good.

  She deserved to be alone.

  Barami woke famished. Jais must have healed him, as he felt much better than he had. Yet still he groaned as he opened his eyes. Far too much had happened, far too much evil. He looked around, tentatively at first. He needed to know if that wizard was still close by and a threat. What he saw was not good.

  The wizard was gone. There was no body, which he assumed meant the man had vanished once again. The big man who’d been holding him was dead, that was a blessing, but his friends did not seem all that celebratory of this small victory.

  Hildr and Volf, both seemingly lost in dark thoughts, sat around a small oil lantern. The glow wasn’t much, but in the gloom of the cavern after the dragon’s death, it was enough to illuminate a small area around them in dim light. Caerwyn was huddled into a ball farther off. That didn’t look good at all. Jais was nowhere to be seen.

  He rose, tested his shoulder, which felt fine, and walked over to Volf and Hildr.

  “What happened?”

  It was Hildr who responded. “Volf wounded the big man enough for the other man there to kill him.” She pointed at the other body. Barami hadn’t recognized it. Someone else had joined with them? “Jais has said little, but that other man, I think he was one of the attackers on our village. Apparently, he changed sides and turned on his companions.”

  That was interesting.

  Hildr sighed heavily. “Caerwyn tried to kill the wizard but the man disappeared again. She be not well. I know not what to say to her.”

  Volf spoke up. “She blames herself for all of this. I tried to tell her it wasn’t her fault, but…”

  No, it was Barami’s fault. He should have never let down his guard enough to be taken by that brute. He should have sacrificed himself.

  Yet even one look at Hildr told him he couldn’t have. He was so very grateful to be alive.

  But that had taken a toll on another, on Caerwyn. He grunted and moved over to her.

  “Go away.” It was a soft hiss from a trembling voice as he approached Caerwyn. It didn’t sound like her at all. “Barami please, just leave me be.” Her voice was hoarse. She sounded like she’d been crying, but he’d never known her to weep.

  “I am sorry,” was all he could think to say. If he’d been more willing to risk his own life and happiness, Caerwyn wouldn’t have had to go through what she had.

  “Aren’t we all,” was the terse response.

  What could he say?

  He stood there for a while trying to think of something, but this wasn’t his strong suit. He wasn’t one to comfort others. Eventually he just sighed and repeated himself. “I’m sorry.” Then he left.

  “What do we do now?” Barami said returning to the others.

  “Return to the village,” Hildr said. “They must know of the dragon’s death.”

  Of course. Returning to the village was really their only possible course from here, or at least the necessary first step to anywhere else.

  “We should rest first. We’re all tired,” he said. No one objected.

  Yet he felt strong enough for the moment and didn’t feel like resting. Somehow, resting felt like giving up.

  Hildr rose. “Would you like to walk?”

  He’d love to. He nodded to her. Hildr joined him and they moved away from the others. She took one of the few remaining torches and they began a trek along the wall of the massive cavern.

  “Give them time,” she said once they were out of earshot of the others. “They have been through… too much.” She sighed.

  “I know. But they’re all just so still. I feel like I need to move, to get out there and find the bastard that did this to us!”

  “And what if it be me instead of Elria. Would you be so quick to act, or would you need time to mourn?”

  “I…” He closed his mouth. He had only just started to get to know her, yet somehow her hand was holding his as they walked. When he was near her, next to her, the feelings within him were unlike any he’d ever known. If she’d been the one to die…

  “I’d want revenge.”

  “Jais seems to want the same thing, but he watched the one he cared for die. He may need more time to recover.” She sighed heavily. “A cousin I lost today. I still mourn her. I know we need to be moving, but I too feel the loss deeply and would like to have more time to deal with it.”

  “And Caerwyn…” He couldn’t understand her reaction most of all. Yes, she’d been forced to make a horrible choice, but she was still alive and could still fight. Yet it seemed like all the spirit had gone out of her.

  “You cannot see?”

  “See what?”

  Hildr gave another heavy sigh and punched him in the shoulder. It stung for a long moment. She hadn’t pulled that punch too much. “Men be quite blind sometimes.” She hesitated. “Well perhaps it be not men. Perhaps we all can be blind sometimes.”

  “Blind to what?”

  “When in that man’s
grip you were, how did you feel?”

  “Useless.”

  “And how, think you, she felt? Able to fight yet not. She could fight, could win, but could not risk your life. What must that feel like?”

  “Probably fairly useless too?” He understood that. What was Hildr getting at?

  “Yes. Useless you felt, because you could do nothing. She could do something but had to choose not to. Do you see the difference?”

  He did, but he still didn’t understand what she was getting at. “What are you saying?”

  Hildr stopped walking, releasing his hand, and turned to him. “You could not act so you didn’t. It be horrible, but there be no choice for you. She could do much, but at the same time, she could not. She had to choose not to act.” She stared at him for along moment. “In making that choice, she gave up a part of her. She lost her strength, her resolve. She chose to be useless. How do you think that would feel after? You bluster and push onward, but she has to deal with being powerless. That be not an easy thing.”

  “But she’s just as powerful as she was before.” Barami understood what Hildr was getting at now, the greater depths of Caerwyn’s defeat. Yet he still didn’t understand why it was taking her so long to recover.

  “In body, perhaps, but in mind, in spirit, I think not. Part of her was torn away and taken by that wizard. It may still be within her to regain those lost parts, but such a restoration be much harder than what you had to do. Do you see?”

  He did.

  “So, what do we do?”

  “Let her not fall too deep into despair. Keep telling her she be strong until she believes it. But I have seen the spirit go out of men before and, sometimes it never fully returns. I hope, for your friend, that be not the case.

  They continued walking and slowly made a circuit of the giant cave. A little while later, a thought came to Barami. “When the dragon touched you, what did he give you?” So much had happened he’d almost forgotten.

  Hildr nodded. “It be something which involves you, I believe.”

  “Me?”

  “Aye. The dragon sensed my desire for many children, a large family. So many of my kin have died recently. Thinking I had been, of a large brood of children to help us regain some strength. So, the dragon gave me the boon of fertility and ease of birth.” She looked over at him. Her hand sought his and when they met, she squeezed his. “We shall have many children.”

  “Oh.”

  Children.

  It hadn’t been something Barami had ever thought of. He’d never imagined himself as a father.

  “Oh,” he said again, realizing he sounded a little odd.

  She raised a brow. “Do you want children? You never answered me when I asked before.”

  No, he’d fallen into the stream… and they hadn’t continued the conversation after that.

  “I’d never thought of it.” So, he did now. Taking a moment to consider. Certainly, he felt strongly for the woman with him and would love to help her provide a strong new generation for her people. “I think perhaps I do.”

  She smiled and gave his hand another squeeze.

  They continued in silence for a time after that.

  As they began their return trip around the massive circle of stone, Barami saw a great bloom of fire back where their camp was. He took a few hasty steps forward to see what had happened.

  Hildr joined him in moving more hastily back to their camp, but Volf met them soon enough.

  “What was that?” Barami asked.

  Volf glanced back for a moment, then back to them. “Jais wanted to be alone. He took what materials he could find, nearly all of our torches, most of the oil for the lamps, and anything else that would burn. He made a pyre for Elria.”

  “Oh,” Barami said softly. So, that was Elria’s cremation.

  Hildr sighed heavily. Her voice was soft, yet perhaps sympathetic, when she whispered. “It be not our way.”

  Volf meandered off back the way Barami and Hildr had already come.

  When Barami and Hildr finished their circuit of the cave. Jais still stood over the smoldering form. The fire had not incinerated the woman, it had burned hot, but not for long. What remained was only a charred corpse, no longer identifiable as Elria.

  Hildr’s look at Jais was harsh, but only for a moment, then she simply shook her head and knelt to have some silent words with the spirit of her lost cousin.

  Barami returned to the camp and found Caerwyn sleeping.

  They should all get some sleep, to be ready to leave tomorrow.

  “Good night,” he said softly to his friend. Then he found and lay down on his bedroll. That was where Hildr found him. Without a word, she laid herself down next to him.

  She turned to him and pulled him close to her, kissing him with great force and passion. It lasted much longer than he expected and when they finally drew back, he asked her, “Where did that come from?”

  “Life is short. I should take what I can, when I can.” Her gaze into his eyes was intense. “I want you to know how I feel.”

  He nodded. “In that case.” He drew her into a long and heated embrace as well. When finished, he was a little breathless. “I hope that tells you how I feel as well.”

  She nodded. “When we return to the village I will announce our betrothal.”

  Barami was only a little shocked, but it wore off quickly. At first, he’d balked at the idea of being betrothed, but then he realized that’s what they had just proclaimed to each other with their actions. They each wanted to be with the other.

  He smiled. “I can’t wait to see your father’s reaction.”

  She nodded. “It shall be… interesting.”

  They put their bedrolls together that night, sleeping in each other’s arms.

  But Barami was roused rudely by shouting.

  “Wake up! Everyone you have to see this! Come on. Wake up!”

  Barami and Hildr extricated themselves from each other and sat up. Volf was agitated and pointing back in the direction of the dragon’s ashes.

  Barami didn’t know how long had passed, only that he didn’t feel that well rested.

  “You have to see this!” Volf said animated. Once everyone was paying attention he added, “I found something in the dragon’s ashes. I found an egg!”

  33

  Volf’s heart was racing as he led the others back to his discovery.

  He’d felt the need to wander, and had walked the caves for a while, unable and unwilling to sit and rest and sleep.

  He’d explored many of the little nooks and larger caves off this one. It only occurred to him after he’d been doing this for some time that he didn’t have a torch. His night-vision was truly exceptional. It seemed he could see well enough in near perfect darkness. When he’d discovered that, he’d tested his other senses.

  That was when he’d heard — or perhaps even felt — the egg. It was moving slightly, shifting and in doing so was dislodging some of the great pile of ash that covered it. He’d heard the ever so slight tumble and fall of that ash and he’d thought he’d even felt the barest of tremors through the floor of the cave itself. Between those two things, he’d been able to find the egg quickly enough. He’d waded into the ash, which was the remains of the dragon, feeling a little uneasy about doing so, but his curiosity was too great to be dissuaded.

  He had reached the spot only after nearly swimming through the ash. He’d had to move great swaths of it out of his way since the pile was taller than he was at its center. He’d become quite filthy, covered in great black smears of ash. But then he’d reached it.

  Clearing away the ash around it was a nearly heroic task — there was so much — so he’d only cleared away a path to it and uncovered it partially. It was taller than he was, perhaps ten feet from bottom to top and half-again as long in its ovoid shape. Its surface was rough, like coarse stone, and it gave off a faint light, like the dragon had, only at a much lower level. He leaned in close and felt it shiver again. It was warm, an
d it felt like something was moving about within.

  That was when he’d decided to go and get the others.

  They followed him, some seemingly more energetic than others. Caerwyn was still sluggish and seemed little interested. Jais just seemed distracted and the other two were tired, that was easy enough to see.

  But he hadn’t wanted to wait.

  This seemed like something good after a day of so much pain and sorrow.

  “It be glowing!” Hildr said as they drew near. To her eyes perhaps the contrast against the darkness must have been much greater than to his, so attuned was he to the dim light.

  “Gods, it’s huge!” Jais said.

  “So was the dragon,” Barami said.

  “Forgive me, I only saw it for a moment before it died.”

  “There is a lot of this ash.” Caerwyn said, her voice sounding rather dejected. “I don’t think I can go in there. It seems… disrespectful.” She shuddered and stayed back. Volf wanted to go to her, to tell her it was fine and to come close to feel the egg, but he didn’t have the words. She seemed too lost and he wasn’t going to force her to do anything in such a state.

  The others followed him into the ever-shifting pile though.

  Even as they approached, the egg gave a rather violent shake and great heaps of ash fell off from above it, sending a wave of dust in their direction. They all covered their faces, but still ended up coughing.

  They were all filthy now, except for Caerwyn.

  But that last shake had cleared away much of the ashen remains from around the egg. The others followed him, wading through chest-deep ash to get to it.

  “Oh! It be warm!” Hildr said laying a hand on it.

  Jais and Barami had their turns touching and gawking at it before they all just stood there for a long moment looking at it.

  “What does this mean?” Volf asked Hildr. Though he realized only after he asked her, he probably knew more about the life cycle of dragons than she did. Part of what he’d received from the dragon was the knowledge of how they reproduced, creating offspring with a genetic memory of all their ancestors.