Gossamer

by Rebecca Hagan Lee

  Elizabeth, touched his face with her palm of her hand. “They’re there to watch over you,” she told him tenderly. “So you never have to worry about ghosts in the dark.”

  Twenty-eight

  ELIZABETH FELT A movement beneath her face and awoke to find her head on James’s shoulder, his arms wrapped tightly around her. She sighed, knowing at last that she was where she belonged. “What is it?” she whispered as James shifted her from his shoulder to the pillow.

  “Diamond,” he answered, kissing Elizabeth on her brow. “She’s hungry.”

  “Already?” she grumbled. They had made love twice since they’d left the balcony, and James had carefully bathed her before he pulled her into his arms to sleep. But Elizabeth felt as if she’d just closed her eyes.

  “Uh-huh,” he murmured. “And I have to go feed her.”

  “Do you have to?” Elizabeth yawned widely, then cuddled up to him, pressing herself against his body like a demanding kitten.

  James chuckled. “Well, we could wait for the governess to wake up and tend to her.”

  “Hmm, sounds like a plan,” she agreed, closing her eyes and almost drifting back to sleep before she remembered. “I’m the governess.”

  “Uh-huh.” he nodded. “And Diamond’s crying. Do you want to go to her? Or shall I?”

  Elizabeth eyed James and the distance to the door. She was deliriously exhausted and her body ached in places she’d never be able to explain. James, on the other hand, seemed well-rested, wide-awake, and relaxed. “You’re closer.”

  James chuckled, then threw back his head and laughed. He rolled out of bed and reached for his silk robe. Elizabeth rolled to her side, propped herself on her elbow, and admired the line of his back and his nicely curved bottom before he covered it with his robe. She sighed.

  James glanced over his shoulder, read her expression, and smiled. “Wanton.”

  “I’m twenty-five years old,” she explained. “I have years of catching up to do.”

  “Can we not do it all in one night?” he teased. “Not that I haven’t enjoyed every moment,” he assured her, leaning down to give her a proper good-morning kiss. “But I’d like to live to see my children grow up, and at this rate, I’m very much afraid I may not survive until breakfast.”

  “If I were as wanton and insatiable as you suggest,” Elizabeth informed him, “you’d be breakfast.”

  James raised both eyebrows at her in comical fashion and leered broadly. “Sounds like a plan.” He leaned toward her as Diamond’s cries grew louder and more frustrated. “After I go warm a bottle for the little one.” James couldn’t keep his gaze off Elizabeth. “Would you care to join me in greeting our little night owl?” He walked over to the door and reached for the knob.

  Elizabeth slid down on the bed, pulled his pillow into her arms, and snuggled beneath the covers. “As soon as the sun’s up.”

  James chuckled. “And just last night, I was complimenting you on your remarkable maternal instincts.”

  She sat back up. “I have wonderful maternal instincts,” she retorted. “And Ruby’s living proof.”

  “How’s that?” James stopped in his tracks and whirled around to face her.

  “Ruby escaped her bathing last night,” Elizabeth joked. “Because after the chaos she created yesterday, I was far too tempted to drown her in the bathtub.”

  James went completely still. The color drained from his face.

  Elizabeth knew immediately that she’d said the wrong thing. “I was joking, James. I’m sorry.” She stumbled out of bed and ran to hug him around the waist. “James, I didn’t mean it. You know I would never do anything to harm any of the Treasures. Or let anyone else harm them. Nothing bad is going to happen to those children while I’m around.”

  James met Elizabeth’s gaze. “Look,” he said, raking a hand through his hair, torn between his deepening feelings for Elizabeth and his unconditional love for his oldest child. “I know Ruby’s been a royal pain since you got here. I saw what happened in the park yesterday. I’m not blind to her faults. I know how she’s behaving, or should I say, misbehaving? And we both know she’s responsible for Portia’s disappearance.”

  “Portia’s just a doll, James. Of no importance at all when compared to living, breathing little girls. Forgive me for making such a poor joke.”

  James managed a small smile. “There is nothing to forgive,” he said, holding Elizabeth close as his heart resumed its regular beat. “I’m fully aware that there are times when Ruby can test the patience of a saint.” He kissed Elizabeth thoroughly, then turned her around in his arms, and playfully swatted her bare bottom as he sent her back to bed. “Don’t worry about it, sleepyhead. Go back to bed. You’ve a long hard day ahead of you.” He paused as he opened the door.

  Elizabeth winked saucily, then licked her lips provocatively. “Another long, hard workday. Is that all I have to look forward to tomorrow?”

  “You can always change your mind about joining me in the nursery,” he said. “And it’s only fair to warn you that I know several very interesting uses for that big rocking chair.”

  Elizabeth weighed her decision carefully. “Give me a moment to grab my chemise.”

  THE CRAIG HOUSEHOLD ran as smoothly as it had ever run. Although he still didn’t sleep through the night, James slept better than he had in years. And Elizabeth no longer missed dinner. Of course, James’s often exhausted slumber was the direct result of long hours spent in ardent lovemaking. And long days looking after the Treasures, too few hours of sleep, and unusual amounts of night time physical exertion increased Elizabeth’s appetite.

  After three weeks of living with James and the Treasures, it seemed to Elizabeth and to all the other members of the household that she had always been there. With one notable exception. Portia had yet to make a reappearance, and Elizabeth and James had begun to despair that Ruby would never return her or learn to accept Elizabeth as part of the family. Ruby despised her, and every morning in the nursery was a battle for dominance between the governess and the queen bee. Added to Elizabeth’s woes was the fact that Garnet awoke asking for Portia nearly every morning and cried in disappointment when the doll failed to turn up. Elizabeth had begun to heartily wish she’d left Portia sitting on the shelf in her bedroom at her grandmother Sadler’s house.

  “She’ll turn up,” James promised as he sat on the leather wing chair he’d had brought up to the nursery from his study. James hadn’t seen Elizabeth since dinner. He had spent the long hours after the evening meal working. The clock in the downstairs hall had reminded him that it was time for Diamond’s early-morning feeding. James had put aside his contracts and bids, grabbed a bottle of brandy and a glass from the sideboard, and come up to the nursery for his new favorite pastime of watching Elizabeth feed the baby her bottle. Still dressed in his business suit, James sat on his leather chair, kicked off his shoes, propped his feet on the matching leather footstool, and crossed his legs at the ankles. He leaned forward and lifted the snifter of brandy from its place on the floor beside his chair.

  “I know.” Sitting in companionable silence as she rocked and fed Diamond her two o’clock bottle, Elizabeth had spent the last few minutes staring up at the dolls on the shelves, lost in thought. She looked over at James and smiled. “But can we endure it until she does?”

  James shook his head. The rest of the household might be running as smoothly as clockwork, but mornings in the nursery were chaos. Ruby and Garnet were feuding over the loss of Portia and there was very little he or Elizabeth or anyone else could do to ease the tension. Ruby had divided the nursery into two groups—the people she liked and the people she didn’t. Elizabeth and Garnet fell into the latter category, everyone else fell into the former.

  James was amazed to find that, far from lessening his attraction for Elizabeth, the unrest in the nursery had strengthened the feelings between them. He had spent every two o’clock feeding for the past two and a half weeks with Elizabeth in the nursery, takin
g turns feeding Diamond, sharing the events of the day, and oftentimes, making inventive love in the rocking chair long after Diamond fell asleep. He had missed this sharing even more than the lovemaking. He loved the closeness. He loved being able to look at Elizabeth and know what she was thinking. And he loved knowing that she could look at him and see past the millionaire façade to the man deep inside. James had planned to spend his life married to his wife, and when she died, he’d decided to finish out his life by living on the happy memories. He never expected to share this sort of closeness with any woman other than Mei Ling. He hadn’t prepared for it. But somehow Elizabeth had quietly and efficiently become a huge part of his life, willingly shouldering so many of his daily burdens, that James had trouble remembering how lonely and alone he’d been before she arrived. And it was impossible for him to envision a future without her.

  He likened the past two, and a half weeks to a honeymoon. The daily aggravations of life seemed easier to bear now that he had someone to share them with, now that the newness and the wonder of their lovemaking outweighed all other concerns. If only he could keep the outside world at bay a little longer.

  But the demands of family, household, and business had a way of intruding. And James knew that the sleepless nights and the strain of enduring the endless battles for dominance in the nursery took their toll as well. “We have no choice,” he said. “We’ll have to endure.”

  “I wonder …” she mused aloud.

  “What?” The determined expression on her face and the way she was concentrating on the dolls roused his curiosity.

  “What was it about Portia that Garnet liked so much and Ruby didn’t?”

  James smiled at her. “That’s easy. Portia looked like you. All tawny-blond hair and big blue-green eyes and an exquisite bow mouth.”

  “That’s one of the things that drew me to her, too,” Elizabeth explained. “I loved Portia, not just because my father gave her to me, but because she was the only doll I ever had who was a mirror image of me.” She looked over at James, then up at the dolls on the shelf. “Maybe that’s why Ruby and Garnet don’t care anything about those.” She nodded toward the red-haired, the brown-haired, and the blond-haired dolls. “Those dolls’ faces don’t look anything like the faces Ruby and Garnet see in the mirror.”

  “Hmm.” James followed her train of thought, then without warning, he took his wallet out of his jacket, removed several bills, and walked over and tucked them in the pocket of Elizabeth’s dressing gown.

  “What’s this for?” She couldn’t quite disguise the nervous, wary note in her voice. Prostitutes were paid. Mistresses were paid. Lovers were not. But, then, James had never said anything about loving her.

  “So you can stop by Kellerman’s General Store tomorrow afternoon and order whatever dolls you think the Treasures might like. Surely, they must have some dolls with Oriental features.”

  “I doubt three dolls will cost that much,” Elizabeth remarked dryly.

  “I thought you might like to buy a few things for yourself, too.” The tips of James’s ears reddened in embarrassment.

  “You don’t have to buy me, James,” she whispered. “I’m already in your employ and in your debt.”

  James began to pace the nursery floor. “For God’s sakes, Elizabeth, take the money!”

  “I’ve been in Coryville for three weeks and so far, you haven’t worried whether or not I had money to purchase a few things for myself. Why are you giving it to me now? As a salve to your conscience?” The angry words were out before she could stop them. Elizabeth knew she was being prickly. She knew she might even be considered unreasonable, but she’d shared his bed for the past two and half weeks, and James hadn’t breathed a word about his feelings for her.

  “Yes,” James answered. “As a salve to my conscience. Because I’ve kept your money on account and failed to provide you with any spending money, because I didn’t trust you not to take the money and run away and leave me and the Treasures.”

  The fight went out of her at his honest admission. She understood fear and doubts. She understood loss. And the fear of losing. “I lo …” She almost said the words she instinctively knew he wasn’t ready to hear. “You know I’ve no place else to go,” Elizabeth improvised.

  “Maybe so,” James said. “But it’s time I let you know I trust you. And I want you to take the money as a gift. Consider it your payday.”

  “Payday,” Elizabeth repeated, a stricken look on her face as she remembered the promise she’d made to Delia. “Oh, James, I forgot I promised Delia I’d talk to you about paying a nursery supplement to her mother and Rose for the extra laundry.”

  “What extra laundry?” he asked.

  Elizabeth repeated the story Delia had told her about her mother and Rose and the seven brothers and sisters running around naked because it meant less wash to do. “I promised her you’d pay extra if she’d use clean facecloths and change the Treasures’ clothes and diapers whenever they needed it.”

  James shuddered, thinking of all those children. “Of course I’ll pay more. I’m ashamed the idea never occurred to me.” He took out a few more bills. “I’ve already paid Delia and her mother for last week, but give Delia this tomorrow with my thanks.”

  “I will.”

  James waited while Elizabeth burped the baby, then leaned down and lifted Diamond from Elizabeth’s arms and carried her into the bedroom. When he returned to the playroom, he paused for a moment, leaning against the doorjamb as he stood looking at Elizabeth as she closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the rocking chair. James wanted to tell her what was in his heart, but Ruby kept him from it. Ruby was the stumbling block he couldn’t go around or climb over.

  How long before Ruby learned to accept Elizabeth? How long before she learned to trust her? To like her? Or to love her? He wanted to marry Elizabeth. He ached to marry her. But as long as Ruby disapproved of her, marriage to Elizabeth was out of the question. No matter how badly he wanted it. He’d made a promise three years ago when he heard her frantic cries and waded into the surf from a beach in Hong Kong to pluck Ruby out of the water. She hadn’t been Ruby then, of course, just another baby girl whose family had abandoned her on the rocks for the ocean to swallow up. But James had fished her out of the surf and promised her that as long as he lived, she would never want for anything, never have to worry that he would place his needs above her own, never fear that her wishes would be dismissed or her welfare placed at risk simply because she was female. And James was duty bound to fulfill that promise. He’d named her for a gem of great value, and although she was only six or seven months old at the time, Ruby had forced him to earn her trust. He worked hard to earn it and to create a safe, secure world for her and for the sisters that came after her. He’d taken Garnet from the mouth of a stray dog outside a refuse bin in an alley in San Francisco’s Chinatown, and he’d nearly run his carriage over Emerald while returning home from work one evening. His Treasures had all been gifts of fate. And James refused to risk their happiness and security for any reason—even if it meant sacrificing his happiness with Elizabeth.

  Besides, Elizabeth had pride. She wouldn’t ask him to choose between his oldest daughter and her. She wouldn’t ask anything of him at all. But sooner or later Ruby’s stubborn refusal to accept her would drive a wedge between them. She couldn’t ignore Ruby. She couldn’t dismiss one of the most important parts of his life. He loved his children and he believed that the best thing he could do for them was to marry Elizabeth and make her their mother. And James knew in his heart that Elizabeth wouldn’t agree to marry him unless all the Treasures wanted her. For Elizabeth it was all or nothing. She wouldn’t settle for less. He sighed. Although he wanted to declare his intentions, there was no hope for it. Not until Ruby capitulated. There was no reason to put Elizabeth through that agony of waiting. Of knowing her future hinged on the stubborn whim of a three-and-a-half-year-old child. So he kept his feelings to himself and endured the agony
alone, very much afraid that now that he’d found Elizabeth, he was destined to lose her.

  She opened her eyes as if she’d felt his presence and smiled a welcome. “Did she wake up?”

  “No, all four of them are sound asleep.”

  “But we’re wide awake,” Elizabeth said softly. “What do we do now?”

  James walked over to the rocking chair and stood towering over her. “Are you still angry with me?”

  Elizabeth shook her head. “I wasn’t angry with you. I was—surprised—confused—I don’t know.”

  “Angry,” James insisted. “And you had every right to be. Sometimes I have no tact.”

  That was a massive understatement, but Elizabeth refrained from pointing it out.

  “I should have thought about your feelings, about how you’d feel when I handed you cash without warning, especially after …” He let his words drift off.

  “I don’t know what’s expected of me.” Elizabeth met his gaze without flinching. “I don’t know who I am or what lam to you. A very convenient governess? Your mistress? Your who—”

  James knelt down and placed his fingers over her lips to stop the words, then followed them with his mouth. “My woman,” he breathed against her lips. “My own.”

  She closed her eyes and gave a trembling sigh as she heard James answer her most fervent prayer. Tears stung her eyes. She couldn’t stop them. Since the night she had allowed James to carry her to his bed, Elizabeth had promised herself she wouldn’t build castles in the air. She promised herself that she would take whatever James offered and not wish for more. She told herself that she could live for the moment, that she could survive in a state of limbo, but Elizabeth had known all along that those promises were impossible to keep. She simply wasn’t a moment-by-moment person. She’d spent her whole life searching for a way to belong. People to belong to. But James Craig was the first person in her life who had ever taken her in his arms and made her feel as if she belonged there.