by Jess Hill
##These were the precise hours that youth services were, of course, closed. With this data, Maranguka could approach youth services and say ‘these are the hours we want you to work, and this is why’.
WHO CAN I CALL?
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au.
Men who are experiencing abuse (or are concerned about their own behaviour) can call MensLine Australia on 1300 78 99 78.
For 24-hour state-wide help, including emergency transport and accommodation, call:
ACT: Domestic Violence Crisis Service 02 6280 0900
New South Wales: NSW Domestic Violence Line 1800 656 463
Northern Territory: Catherine Booth House 8981 5928
South Australia: Domestic Violence and Aboriginal Family Violence Gateway Services 1800 800 098
Tasmania: Safe at Home Family Violence Response and Referral Line 1800 633 937
Queensland: DVConnect 1800 811 811
Victoria: Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre 1800 015 188
Western Australia: Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline 1800 007 339
If you’re a migrant or refugee, call the Immigrant Women’s Health Service on 02 9726 4044 or 02 9726 1016. If you need a translator, call this free phone service: 131 450.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To my soulmate, David Hollier: for both of us, writing this book was life-changing, expansive, dark and sometimes desperate. Nothing about it was easy. But even as ‘the book’ became a burden, you challenged me to strive for philosophical depth and compassion. Your mission to help men live embodied, emotional lives pushed me beyond the easy polemic, and motivated me to do the much harder work of trying to understand. On the psychology of abusive men, your insights have been invaluable. Your commitment to this project was sometimes astonishing: even when you were shattered by long hours and sleepless nights, you spent the rare, spare hours you had improving these pages, often as our daughter slept in her pram beside you. For the late-night discussions, the weekends sacrificed, the endless housework and solo parenting … for all of our beautiful disasters … I love you, and God Only Knows what I’d be without you.
I began writing this book trying to fall pregnant and finished it with an almost two-year-old daughter, whose wit and charisma thrills us every day. Writing a book with a baby takes an army. To Oma Lynda Hill, for turning up at the drop of a hat, bringing an esky full of random goodies and staying for days at a time, week after week; to ‘Grandpa’ Richard Hill for his Grandpa Thursdays and grandpa squeezes; to Grandma Susan Davis for her unbending support; to Bear Lorraine Symington, for her selfless mercy missions (especially in the final frenzied weeks); to Auntie Prem and Uncle Dasi, for your magical, healing hospitality: I will be forever grateful for the love and wonder you brought to Stevie during this time, and for the hours you gave me to write. This book could not have happened without you. And to my brother, Joel: your joyful enthusiasm for my work has given me so much life (plus, you saved my arse when my computer exploded on deadline). Love you, bro.
To Nick Feik at The Monthly, who commissioned my first essay on domestic violence: you made everything I wrote better, and I am so grateful for your ongoing support and friendship. Thanks also to Chris Bullock, whose steady hand guided me through two difficult documentaries for Background Briefing. Both of you were the solid ground I needed to feel brave.
To Aviva Tuffield, the first publisher who recognised that this was a book that needed writing: you showed saintly patience as I whooshed past deadline after deadline. To my publisher at Black Inc., Chris Feik, and editor Kirstie Innes-Will, your loyalty to this text, your clarity, and your unwavering kindness and support held me together at times when I felt like the book was going to break me.
To the survivors: you have taught me so much, not just about abuse, but about love, commitment and true grit. It’s an honour to tell your stories, and to know you. To the few I can’t name: your dedication to protecting your children, and to supporting other survivors to protect theirs, is heroic.
I’ve tapped the minds of many brilliant people over the last few years, but perhaps none so often as Mike Salter, whose blazing intelligence has been a light in the dark on so many occasions. I’ve also been advised and warmly supported by a legion of fiercely intelligent women, many of whom work on the frontlines: Robyn Cotterell-Jones, Julie Oberin, Magistrate Anne Goldsbrough, Kelsey Hegarty, Kay Schubach, Sherele Moody, Kylie Grey, Susan Scrupski, Moo Watson-Baulch, Tanya Whitehouse, Judy Atkinson, and the world-changer, Rosie Batty.
I was privileged to have people I admire provide vital feedback on several chapters. Respect and gratitude to Hannah McGlade, Paul Daley, Mike Salter, Kristine Ziwica, Eddie Gallagher, Heather Douglas, Liz Conor, Neil Websdale, Martin Hodgson, Amy McQuire, Josephine Cashman, Susan Scrupski, Kay Schubach, Anne Goldsbrough, Julie Oberin, and to my mum, dad and brother, who also brought their razor-sharp minds to some of the text. To Nikki Stevens, who came up with the title – thank you for getting it exactly right.
To Gabrielle Kuiper, Monica Attard and Natasha Mitchell: I can’t tell you what it meant for you to back me like you did. To the crowd who supported me on Pozible; you gave me the strength I needed to keep going, and to make this book the best I could make it.
I owe this book to two other influences in my life. Nonna, you made me believe we could keep the bastards honest, and that writing was the way to do it. I still can’t believe you’re gone. You were supposed to live forever. Mark Colvin, you made the world feel epic, and taught me that there is always something at stake. People, you said; they are the story. I miss your wisdom and warmth every day. I wish you were here to see this.
And lastly, to Stevie, my Fire Rooster: your love and spark kept me from sinking into the many dark holes along this path. You are my sunshine.
ENDNOTES
INTRODUCTION
1United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, Global Study on Homicide: Gender-related killing of women and girls, Vienna: UNODC, 2018.
2Willow Bryant & Samantha Bricknall, Homicide in Australia 2012–2014: National Homicide Monitoring Program report, Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology, 2017.
3Al Tompkins, ‘Sexual assault on college campuses often goes unpunished, study finds’, Poynter, 24 February 2010.
4Rebecca Solnit, ‘Listen up, women are telling their story now’, The Guardian, 30 December 2014.
5State of Victoria, Royal Commission into Family Violence: Report and recommendations, Vol. II, Parl. Paper No. 132 (2014–16), p. 11.
6Clare Blumer, ‘Australian police deal with domestic violence every two minutes’, ABC News (online), 21 April 2019.
7Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, ‘Domestic violence leading cause of hospitalised assault among girls and women’, media release, AIHW, 19 April 2017.
8Courtenay E. Cavanaugh, et al., ‘Prevalence and correlates of suicidal behavior among adult female victims of intimate partner violence’, Suicide & Life-Threatening Behavior, 2011, 41(4): 372–83.
9Rowena Lawrie, ‘Speak out speak strong: Rising imprisonment rates of Aboriginal women’, Indigenous Law Bulletin, 2003, 5(24); Mandy Wilson, et al., ‘Violence in the lives of incarcerated Aboriginal mothers in Western Australia’, SAGE Open, January 2017.
10Australian Housing and Urban Research Institute, ‘What is the link between domestic violence and homelessness?’ brief, 5 December 2017.
11Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety, ‘Every fourth woman in Australia a victim of intimate partner violence’, media release, ANROWS, 20 October 2015.
12Monica Campo & Sarah Tayton, ‘Domestic and family violence in regional, rural and remote communities’, Australian Institute of Family Studies, December 2015.
13Gerald T. Hotaling & David Sugarman, ‘An analysis of risk markers in husband to wife violence: The current state of knowledge’, Violence and Victims, 1986, 1, pp. 101–24.
15Monica Campo & Sarah Tayton, Intimate Partner Violence in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Intersex and Queer Communities, Australian Institute of Family Studies, November 2015.
16Monica Campo & Sarah Tayton, Intimate partner violence in lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex and queer communities: Key Issues, Australian Institute of Family Studies, December 2015.
17Claire M. Renzetti, ‘Violent betrayal: Partner abuse in lesbian relationships’, 1992, CRVAW Faculty Book Gallery, 10.
18Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery, New York: BasicBooks, 1997.
1. THE PERPETRATOR’S HANDBOOK
1Albert D. Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation, April 1955, in Hearings Before the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations of the Committee on Government Operations, US Senate, 84th Congress, 2nd session, 19, 20, 26 and 27 June 1956, Washington.
2Albert D. Biderman, ‘Communist attempts to elicit false confessions from Air Force prisoners of war’, Bulletin of the New York Academy of Medicine, September 1957, 33(9), pp. 616–25.
3Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation.
4Amnesty International, Report on Torture, 1 January 1973.
5Herman, Trauma and Recovery, pp. 74, 76, 77.
6Ibid., pp. 82–3.
7Aussie Banter Facebook page, reposted by Clementine Ford, 7 July 2018, www.facebook.com/clementineford/posts/1775390125871407.
8Evan Stark, Coercive Control: The entrapment of women in personal life, Oxford University Press, 2009, pp. 197, 16.
9Evan Stark, ‘Looking beyond domestic violence: Policing coercive control’, Journal of Police Crisis Negotiations, 2012, 12(2), pp. 199–217.
10Interview with Evan Stark, ‘A domestic-violence expert on Eric Schneiderman and “coercive control”’, The Cut (online), 8 May 2018.
11Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, New York: Berkley Books, 2002, pp. 64–5.
12P. Cameron, ‘Relationship problems and money: Women talk about financial abuse’, West Melbourne: WIRE Women’s Information, 2014, p. 25.
13Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation.
14Evan Stark, ‘Re-presenting battered women: Coercive control and the defense of liberty’ in Complex Realities and New Issues in a Changing World, Quebec: Les Presses de l’Université du Québec, 2012.
15Isabelle Altman, ‘A Dispatch Special Report: The last step before murder’, Family Justice Centre Alliance (online), 19 April 2017.
16Survivor testimony in Queensland, Special Taskforce on Domestic and Family Violence, Our Journal: A collection of personal thoughts about domestic violence, Brisbane: Queensland, Special Taskforce on Domestic and Family Violence, 2015.
17Nancy Glass et al. ‘Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women’, Journal of Emergency Medicine, 2007, 35(3), pp. 329–35.
18Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation.
19Herman, Trauma and Recovery, p. 77.
20Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation.
21Herman, Trauma and Recovery, p. 76.
22A.M. Volant, J.A. Johnson, E. Gullone & E.J. Coleman, ‘The relationship between family violence and animal abuse: An Australian study’, Journal of Interpersonal Violence, September 2008, 3(9), pp. 1277–95.
23Biderman, ‘Communist attempts’, p. 619.
24Stark, Coercive Control, p. 258.
25David Livingstone Smith, ‘The essence of evil’, Aeon, 24 October 2014.
26Lewis Okun, Woman Abuse: Facts Replacing Myths, SUNY Press, 1986, p. 128.
27Herman, Trauma and Recovery, p. 83.
2. THE UNDERGROUND
1Peta Cox, Violence Against Women: Additional analysis of the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ Personal Safety Survey, 2012: Research report, Sydney: ANROWS, c2015.
2WIRE Women’s Information submission to the Senate Finance and Public Administration References Committee Inquiry into Domestic Violence in Australia, p. 6.
3Kate Campbell, ‘WA cop Stephanie Bochorsky who saved two girls set alight by their dad speaks for first time’, Perth Now, 20 October 2017.
4Kayla Osborne, ‘Domestic violence cases on the rise in Camden’, Wollondilly Advertiser, 19 June 2018.
5J.E. Snell & Robey A. Rosenwald, ‘The wifebeater’s wife: A study of family interaction’, Archives of General Psychiatry, 1964, 11(2), pp. 107–12.
6Paula J. Caplan, The Myth of Women’s Masochism, iUniverse, 2005, p. 36.
7Glenn Collins, ‘Women and masochism: Debate continues’, The New York Times, 2 December 1985, p. 12.
8Catherine Kirkwood, Leaving Abusive Partners: From the scars of survival to the wisdom for change, SAGE, 1993.
9VicHealth, Australians’ attitudes to violence against women. Findings from the 2013 National Community Attitudes towards Violence Against Women Survey (NCAS), Melbourne: Victorian Health Promotion Foundation, 2014.
10Lenore E. Walker, The Battered Woman, Harper & Row, 1979.
11Ibid., p. 46.
12Ibid., p. 46.
13Ibid., p. 57
14Allan Wade, ‘Rethinking Stockholm Syndrome’, presentation, uploaded to YouTube on 11 October 2015 by the Center for Response Based Practice, www.youtube.com/watch?v=drI4HFJkbCc.
15‘What is Stockholm syndrome?’, BBC News (online), 22 August 2013.
16This analysis draws on the work of Canadian family therapist Allan Wade, and his presentation ‘Rethinking Stockholm Syndrome’, in which he presents his interviews with Kristin Enmark.
17Terence Mickey, ‘#13 The Ideal Hostage’, Memory Motel (podcast), 6 December 2016,
18Wade, ‘Rethinking Stockholm Syndrome’.
19Ibid.
20M. Namnyak, et al., ‘“Stockholm syndrome”: Psychiatric diagnosis or urban myth?’ Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, 2008, 117, pp. 4–11.
21Wade, ‘Rethinking Stockholm Syndrome’.
22Courtney Michelle Klein, ‘Combating intimate partner violence through policing innovations: Examining High Point, North Carolina’s offender focused domestic violence initiative’, John Jay College of Criminal Justice, City University of New York, 2014.
23Paula Reavey & Sam Warner, New Feminist Stories of Child Sexual Abuse: Sexual scripts and dangerous dialogues, Psychology Press, 2003.
24E.W. Gondolf & E.R. Fisher, ‘Battered women as survivors: An alternative to treating learned helplessness’, Lexington, MA, England: Lexington Books/D.C. Heath and Com, 1988.
25Lee H. Bowker & Lorie Maurer, ‘The medical treatment of battered wives’, Women & Health, 1987, 12, pp. 25–45.
26Linda Gordon, Heroes of Their Own Lives: The politics and history of family violence, Boston, New York: Viking, 1988.
27Biderman, Communist Patterns of Coercive Interrogation.
28Kirkwood, Leaving Abusive Partners, p. 61.
29Leslie Morgan Steiner, ‘Why domestic violence victims don’t leave’, TEDxRainier, November 2012.
30Ibid.
31Kathleen J. Ferraro & John M. Johnson, ‘How women experience battering: The process of victimization’, Social Problems, 1983, 30(3), pp. 325–39.
32Ali Owens, ‘Why we stay: A deeper look at domestic abuse’, The Huffington Post, 6 June 2016.
33Investigation by ABC News, edited by Julia Baird and Hayley Gleeson, into religion and domestic violence, 2017–2018.
34Herman, Trauma and Recovery, p. 87.
35Leigh Goodmark, ‘When is a battered woman not a battered woman? When she fights back’, Yale Journal of Law & Feminism, 2008, 20(1), pp. 75–129.
36Australian Bureau of Statistics, ‘People in Australia Who Were Born in Afghanistan’, 2016 Census QuickStats Country of Birth.
37Manpreet K. Singh, ‘Indian women are the largest migrant group in Australia to call family violence helpline’, SBS Punjabi, 7 February 2017.
38Franci
s Bloch and Vijayendra Rao, ‘Terror as a bargaining instrument: A case study of dowry violence in rural India’, The American Economic Review, 2002, 92(4), pp. 1029–43.
39Sylvia Walby & Jonathan Allen, ‘Domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking: Findings from the British Crime Survey’, Study 276, 2004.
40Jennifer Nixon & Cathy Humphreys, ‘Marshalling the evidence: Using intersectionality in the domestic violence frame’, Social Politics: International Studies in Gender, State and Society, 2010, 17(2), pp. 137–58.
41Melissa Lucashenko, ‘Sinking below sight: Down and out in Brisbane and Logan’, Griffith REVIEW, 2013, 41, pp. 53–67.
42SBS World News, ‘Cost of fleeing violent relationship is $18,000 and 141 hours, ACTU’, SBS News (online), 13 November 2017.
43P. Cameron, Relationship Problems and Money: Women talk about financial abuse, WIRE Women’s Information, 26 August 2014.
44Ibid.
45Ibid.
3. THE ABUSIVE MIND
1Heather Douglas & Tanja Stark, Stories from Survivors: Domestic violence and criminal justice interventions, T.C. Beirne School of Law, The University of Queensland, 2010.
2John Gottman and Neil Jacobson, When Men Batter Women: New insights into ending abusive relationships, Simon & Schuster, 1998.
3Ibid., p. 89.
4Ibid., pp. 90, 92.
5Ibid., p. 74.
6Ibid., pp 114–16.
7Ibid., p. 110.
8Ibid., pp. 93–6.
9Ibid., p. 86.
10Ibid., p. 90.
11Ibid., p. 93.
12Ibid., p. 38.
13Ibid., p. 30.
14Emily Esfahani Smith, ‘Masters of Love’, The Atlantic, 12 June 2014.