TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

  I look at Mark and he’s holding his eyes tightly closed as if in pain.

  “Why do all men identify with that pain?”

  “Because we do.”

  I lay back in silence. My whole life is changing and I’m not ready.

  “Mark, are you asleep?”

  “Not yet?”

  “Do you always tell me the truth?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “The first time I met you it was about your well-defined behind. Then, when I made love to you the purity of your joy and the way you made me feel when I look into your eyes said innocent and transparent. I want the truth from you, so I will always be truthful with you.”

  “Is the sex as good for you as it is for me or is it better for me than for you?”

  He takes my hand and rests it on his very hard manhood.

  “That happened as a result of you asking me that question. I have rarely had sex that’s considered bad. In fact, I’m not certain I know what bad sex is unless maybe it’s masturbation. I’ve had meaningless sex. I enjoyed it while I was in the act, but afterward I could have lived without that particular experience. With Chloe, my ex-wife …” he stops when he hears me moan out loud.

  “Is that her name?”

  “Yes, why?”

  “Eunella versus Chloe, please don’t get me started. Anyway continue.”

  He runs his hand up and down my arm.

  “With her it was also good and then not so good and sometimes a way to shut her up and also to shut me up. With you I feel as if I’m giving you something you’ve never had and just the idea of that puts my brain in it and it’s not just sex, it’s lovemaking like it was meant to be. We swap our souls as we give to each other.”

  “Can you make love to me one more time, so I can go to …?” I stop.

  “What?”

  “… sleep. This is my first sleepover. Can I leave with you in the morning?”

  “You can stay and leave when you’re ready.”

  “No, I’ll leave with you and we’ll take different cabs and I’ll go home and you’ll go to work.”

  “Why don’t you come to work and we can take the same cab.”

  “No. I have to check on my father first, maybe make him breakfast and then I’ll come to work. I need to let everyone know I’m leaving.”

  “Okay,” he whispers.

  I turn to him and he looks up at me and he’s sleepy; I’m still needy. I move closer to him and touch his face. I kiss him and he kisses me and slowly, very slowly I give my soul over to him.

  The morning after, I leave before Mark and head back to Brooklyn. I drop my bag inside my apartment door and walk upstairs to Zoi’s. He’s sitting on the sofa watching TV. I sit beside him and he reaches over, puts his hand on my shoulder and draws me to him.

  “Do you hate me?” he asks.

  I reach up my hand and hug him. “I don’t hate you.”

  We let go and he holds my hand. I look down at his hand on mine and see wrinkles and both dark and light spots along with his veins. I turn his hand over to compare his palm with mine. We have almost the same lines.

  “Can I make you breakfast before I go?”

  “Zoi is still here. I can help myself.”

  “Zoi would prefer if I made the breakfast and I don’t mind.”

  “Okay, Eunella. Would it be alright if I watch you?”

  “You can talk to me. Come on, sit over here at the island,” I say, as I help him up and wait until he’s seated. “Can I get you to call me Nella, Dad? I dislike the name Eunella.”

  “Your mother named you after a flower or a plant. I liked that it sounded unique because you were such a special child.”

  “Okay, you can still use it. Did you get married again?”

  “No. It was impossible with what I was doing and you were always on my mind.”

  “Do I have a right to not forgive you? Am I remembering as a child and therefore have the meaning wrong?” I ask as I show him what I have in mind for breakfast.

  “Good morning,” Zoi says as she sits next to Dad.

  “Good morning,” Dad responds and touches Zoi’s hand.

  “Are you off today, Zo?”

  “I took it off. I didn’t want Dad to be here alone. Are you going to work?” she asks me.

  “Yes, I need to let the staff know next week is my last week and I prefer to do that myself rather than have Mark do it. I’ll come back early to cook or we can go out to dinner.”

  “Sounds good. What were you and Dad talking about before I got here?”

  I look to Dad. “Am I wrong?”

  “No, you’re not wrong not to forgive me and yes, you remembered correctly, but I was a little crazy at the time.”

  “Mom’s death was a shock?” Zoi asks.

  “The biggest shock of my life. She had two children before without a hitch and then she is dead; she is no more. We never discussed any what ifs, we would live and be together forever and rear our children together. I was twenty-six years old.”

  I put a cup of coffee and a bowl of oatmeal in front of him, and a glass of milk for Zoi and oatmeal too. I turn the eggs and butter the toast. I forgot the orange juice, so I get that and their eggs as well. I eat standing at the sink.

  “The man you’re with?” Dad asks me.

  “He’s my boss for the next week. He wants to date me, but I would prefer a black man.”

  “Because of me.”

  “Yes, because of you. I don’t think a white man can give me what I need or can understand what it feels like to be me dressed in this skin.”

  “He seems to be very sweet on you,” Dad says.

  “And he isn’t white,” Zoi adds.

  Dad looks at Zoi. “He’s a mixed fellow?” he asks Zoi.

  “Yes, his mother is from Jamaica and his father is white Canadian. And I agree with you, he really has a thing for Nella.”

  “He should be here when we talk, so he can understand what it’s like to be you,” Dad says. I give him a blank stare.

  “Now that you’re here, is it possible to take back that responsibility you so heavily laid on my four-year-old shoulders?” I ask my father.

  He eyes me, turns and stares at Zoi, then back at me and nods.

  “Thank you. I have to get changed then head to work. If you want to move in with me to make it easier for you that’d be fine.”

  “No, I’ll stay here and maybe help Zoi out by cooking and pulling my weight,” Dad responds.

  “Okay.”

  I kiss them both, tell them to have a good day and leave.

  When I arrive at work around ten, Etienne is waiting for me.

  “Oh my Gosh, what are you doing here?” I ask as we hug.

  “Can’t I just show up to see my favorite person just because?” he asks with a big smile.

  “Yes, you can. Come into my office.” I turn to Kaitlin, “Give me a yell five minutes before I have to leave.”

  She nods. I close the door.

  “So your father called you, right?”

  “Yep. He said you gave him my number. I didn’t know you were in St. Matthews.”

  “I was there from Monday to Wednesday. It’s a complicated story between me and Keith. Tell me what he said.”

  “He wants to get together to talk. I don’t know how I feel or how to feel.”

  “I know. Dad showed up last night. I have not seen him since I was four and your mom doesn’t even remember him.”

  “Wow. What did he say? Where has he been?”

  “Don’t know. I’m angry and hurt because I remember him and he’s still in my heart both in a negative and positive way, so I need time to deal with him.”

  “Where is he now?”

  “At your mom’s. She took the day off to stay with him.”

  “I don’t know if I should talk to Mom about this. She’s pregnant and I don’t know how she feels about him.”

  “Well, it may be the perfect time. She has a father she ha
s never met except for what I’ve told her, and you have a father you’ve never met except for what we’ve told you. Together you can sort it out.”

  “I don’t want to hurt mom.”

  “I know, but I wouldn’t worry too much about that. She was fourteen. Can you remember the name of the first girl you liked or even loved?”

  “Yes, but I get what you’re saying.”

  Kaitlin knocks on the window. Mark is out there too. I check my watch.

  “I’m leaving the company next week, so I called a staff meeting. Do you want to wait here or come with me?”

  “No, I’ll go home and talk to Mom except just seeing me when school is still in session will freak her out.”

  “Then wait here or better still, keep Kaitlin’s company. If I remember correctly, you used to have a thing for her.”

  He chuckles. “I still do.”

  We walk arm in arm out into Kaitlin’s area. I introduce him to Mark, then Mark and I take the elevator down two floors. They’re all there. As I walk to the front of the room, they quiet down.

  “This is not going to be a happy gathering or … maybe it will be.”

  “You’re laying off people,” I hear a voice say.

  “No. Next week will be my last week with the company.”

  I wait for the grumblings to die down. Jonas stands.

  “Yes, Jonas.”

  “Did they force you out?” he asks, visibly upset.

  “No, they didn’t force me out. Sit down and I’ll tell you how it all went down,” I say and they laugh. “I think I made up my mind to leave before the merger was complete. Some of you who know me from day one know that I have not had a chance to take a deep breath in twelve years. I completed my doctorate …” I pause again, waiting for the applause to die down, “… and it will provide me with some choices on where to turn for the next twenty years. So I’m good.”

  As they applaud, Jonas jumps to his feet again.

  “Who will replace you?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “So you didn’t even make sure we were in good hands? Come on, Nella, we trust you. You can’t just leave us without making sure.”

  I look straight ahead at Mark who’s at the back of the room leaning against the wall with his arms folded.

  “I trust Mark, Mr. Gagnon, to take very good care of you. I believe this company is his priority. Whomever he chooses will be good for both you all and the company.”

  They’re silent and disappointed, so Mark walks to the front of the room.

  “Bridgette Dawson will replace Nella,” he says to their applause.

  I smile up at him. It’s a good choice.

  Joe Stone stands, so I raise my hand to let him speak.

  “So when is the party, and what can we get you as a gift?”

  “No party. All I need is a hug from each of you.”

  Three men are standing. I smile and shake my head. I know where this is going.

  I point. “No, no and no.”

  Two more stand up and I repeat the nos.

  Margaret Mason, a heavy set white woman, stands.

  “Nella, face it. I’ve been here before you and the minute you arrived all they have ever wanted was to touch your ass. My suggestion is to pick one of them and get it over with.”

  I avoid looking at Mark’s face.

  “Who do you suggest I pick, Margaret?” I ask. All the men jump up with their hands raised, yelling.

  I raise both of my hands. “Okay, I have a better idea. What if I pick the person who has sexually harassed me the most? The person who wasn’t at all shy about airing their feelings about my behind.”

  They start chanting.

  “Marla, Marla, Marla …”

  I raise my hand again and Marla, a red headed, white woman, who’s a lesbian and has never hidden it, stands. I was afraid of her at first, but she never laid a hand on me and we’re friendly. I wave her forward.

  “Promise you’re not going to try to kiss me.”

  “Nella, I’m not making you any promises. Just hug me and let me do ma thang.”

  I reach up and hug her around her neck while she holds me tightly around my waist. I close my eyes tight and wait for it. She lightly runs her hand over one cheek then lightly over the other. I open my eyes, relax a little and she grabs both cheeks squeezing me up against her. My mouth open wide in surprise but they scream and clap. As we separate, we kiss each other on the cheek. I straighten my dress then wait for them to settle down.

  “Are we good now?” I ask.

  “Yes,” they yell in unison.

  “So get back to work. Put this on Facebook and someone dies.”

  They each hug me as they leave.

  Mark and I are alone in the room. I refuse to look at him.

  “Just say it.”

  “Say what? That I thought you were straight, or ask you if you enjoyed it, or tell you how turned on I am.”

  I finally look at his face as he bursts into laughter.

  “Actually, I really liked it,” I say and hear him gasp as I walk ahead of him back to the elevator.

  Two people are on the elevator, so I feel a little relieved. As we leave the elevator, he holds my shoulders and leads me to his office. I notice the shades are already closed. He holds the door open for me and closes it behind us. He reaches out, takes my hand, walks to the front of his desk, sits on it and draws me between his legs. I focus on his lips and slowly move my eyes upward toward his eyes. His hands rest on my waist while his eyes focus into mine as I kiss him. I hold his head and feast on his mouth. His hands caress my behind making me groan with pleasure. He responds with a similar sound and we just keep kissing.

  Eventually we stop and I hold him close.

  “Dad wonders if you would like to get to know me better,” I say to Mark.

  “Why?”

  “He thinks you’re sweet on me and that being around when I talk to him will help you understand what it’s like to be me.”

  “Do you want me there?”

  “I don’t know. The problem is mine not yours. You don’t seem to have any trouble with my color.”

  “I don’t, but you have some with mine.”

  I look at him then look away. “Yes.”

  “Then I’ll be there.”

  “I’m going to take Etienne home because he has news for Zoi and she will need my support.”

  “Is it bad news?”

  I explain to Mark about Clyde.

  “It’s a week for disappearing dads, huh. Go. When will I see you again?”

  “Call me,” I say doing the phone sign and getting ready to leave.

  “I’m going to visit my kids this weekend.”

  I look at the floor and then slowly up at him.

  “I’ll see you when you get back. Have a nice visit.”

  He nods as I leave.

  As Etienne and I take the train home, we talk about his upcoming summer internship at Darnell’s firm. At first, their relationship was tolerant at best. Etienne thought Darnell was flaky and his mom should be looking for someone better. Darnell realized that no one will ever be good enough for Zoi in Etienne’s eyes, but through patience it worked out. Being away at school and not seeing Etienne every day probably helped.

  “Hi, Dad,” I say as we enter Zoi’s apartment.

  He’s on the sofa reading a book. He looks up, nods and looks past me at Etienne.

  “Zoi,” I yell, “I have a good surprise for you.”

  “She maybe napping,” Dad says.

  “Dad, this is Etienne, your oldest grandson, Zoi’s son. E this is your grandfather, Benjamin Blakely.”

  They shake hands and I see Dad well up, so I move down the hall to find Zoi.

  “Aunt Nella, don’t wake her,” Etienne says in a loud whisper.

  I raise my hand to acknowledge that I heard him and keep walking. Zoi is in bed with her computer and headphones. I sit on the bed hard and she looks up. She pulls the headphones off.

 
; “Nella, what are you doing home so early?”

  “I brought you a really nice surprise,” I say, trying not to upset her.

  “Where is it?” she asks. I know she thinks it’s food.

  I help her out of bed and we walk to the living room.

  “Etienne? What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school?”

  He moves to his mother’s side with a big smile to set her at ease and hugs her.

  “Hey Mom, I see you finally ate the whole house. Can you be any fatter?”

  “Okay, so you’re not in trouble,” she says ignoring insults when she hears them. She sits next to Dad while I sit in the club chair near Etienne.

  “So tell me,” she says.

  He glances at me and I nod.

  “My father called. He wants to see me.”

  “So why do you need me to tell him no?” Zoi asks.

  “Because I’m not sure how I feel about seeing him.”

  “Nella, did you tell him why he shouldn’t see him?” Zoi asks.

  “Zo, I saw Clyde in St. Matthews and I was the one who gave him Etienne’s number. His grandmother died. I told him how I felt and what we know. He called Etienne anyway.”

  “When were you going to tell me?”

  “Now, when Etienne showed up and asked for your help. You’re pregnant, Zo. I would like to see you take this baby to full term without the stress of Clyde. He isn’t worth your energy.”

  “Yeah, Mom. Plus I’m twenty-three, it should be my decision.”

  “So then, why are you here?”

  “To consider your feelings; I love and trust you and I don’t want to hurt you, but I also want to know.”

  Zoi lays her head against the back of the sofa and wipes her brow.

  “Nella tell him.”

  “No, Zo. He’s your son; you tell him. I cursed out Clyde good and plenty, I did my part.”

  She glares at me.

  “Etienne, apparently your father has health issues and that’s why he’s seeking you out. You should be aware of this, so you won’t be blindsided if you choose to meet him.”

  “Is that true, Aunt Nella?” he asks with disappointment in his voice.

  I nod and look at him with sympathy.

  “You shouldn’t let that stop you if you truly want to meet him and see what he’s like. You can always say no if he needs your help,” Dad says with a look of alarm on his face.